Hi All,
I have just finished an IC session and I felt like writing here.
I want to stress it's still early days for me, but this week I start noticing a shift in my perspective. And I think it's a positive one (feel free to call me out if not)
When things blew up, I reacted like many waywards. Blame-shifting, trickle-truth, minimizing, resentment, anger. I didn't even feel I had an A. Just something "dodgy" and inappropriate, but definitely not an A (because I wasn't in love with AP and "only" kissed him and made out).
I then took responsibility for the A, but I still felt I wasn't exactly responsible for all of it. Still lot of anger.
Somehow I was stuck in this perspective: "I was in pain and alone before the A, I was in pain during the A, now I am in pain again and my BS' feelings have priority again. When is my pain going to be addressed?". I genuinely felt my H should give me a free pass, acknowledge that I could have done much worse and start giving me all the affection I felt I missed.
At some point in January, I found this forum - despite my 2 months "efforts" to fix things, the situation kept getting worse, so I turned online. This forum was the turning point. I finally realised what I had actually done. I finally realised the gravity of my actions. I started absorbing what I was reading on here. Started reading books.
My mindset didn't shift straight-away. I still struggled with trickle truth, but I got the resentment under control. I started to take accountability.
In April, I started IC.
Last month, I could fully see how Marriage problems and Infidelity are two different things. It wasn't easy to get it though.
I had been saying that for a while (because I read it on here and I believed it), but didn't fully feel it straight away. After a while, I could "grasp" the concept but couldn't fully separate the things yet. In May, I finally saw it.
Today is 2 months of IC. Still nothing really. But this week, I realised how my "reasons" for the A were... stupid. There were stressors, and a lot of them. And I think the planets really did align against me (so many different negative things at the same time). But now, I think: why did I have to have an A? I genuinely don't see those stressors as a justification anymore. And what I triggered with the A is so so so so much worse than what was going on in our lives pre-A.
Was I unhappy pre-A? Yes. I think I had emotional exhaustion, if not some depression.
Was my H perfect? No.
Was I perfect? No.
From my core, I don't blame my H anymore. I should never have.
IC is helping me also to understand why I occasionally over-reacted towards some of his actions. Nothing to do with him really.
This forum is still my main compass though. I am still surprised of the "ignorance" around infidelity. Many of my mistakes in my first two months post DDay1 were simply me behaving by what I knew of infidelity from films and environment. If I landed on this forum earlier, I'd have done a little better a little earlier.
My therapist is great for IC. For infidelity and how to deal with it? Not so much. My situation would definitely be worse if I didn't know this forum.
This is not to say I am R material or that my BS is happy with me right now. It's just I finally fully feel and understand some things that I read here 3-4 months ago.
Reading this forum in January was incredibly painful. Like horrific. No way I'd landed my family in "infidelity". Yet, I am glad I stayed.
I occasionally wonder if some waywards would do better if they also found this community or a similar one.
As for me... I will probably be posting again in a few weeks (likely in a more desperate mindset). Even if this post may sound "positive", the reality is still very hard. I still don't know if my M will make it. I know my own healing and fixing myself is separate from R and whatever outcome is ahead of us. I just wanted to clarify this is not a (self)celebratory post, just some scattered thoughts.
Thanks for reading
