SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all, I am brand new here and unfortunately brand new to the experience of becoming a BS.

My WS voluntarily disclosed an EA to me, and today is DDay + 3. I think the reason I’m here is that above all I feel confused about the ‘severity’ of the EA and therefore what action is most helpful (if there is a scale - I’m sure this depends on individual feeling and boundaries). I guess I’m just looking to connect and share, since I have no idea how to tell anyone else in my life. I will keep details brief as this is new and I don’t want to share anything I later regret, but…

In short:
- WS had a 2-3 week EA
- AP had previous feelings (1 year)
- messaged on work chat and messaging apps, phone calls while commuting
- Several ‘dates’ for lunch and dinner
- No sex but WS has confirmed romantic physical contact e.g. hand-holding, long hugs
- Exposed vulnerable information about mental health, sexuality
- discussions to the tune of ‘I wish we met under different circumstances’

Because the timeframe was short, and because WS voluntarily disclosed, I thought I could cope well. But it seems to have been a very intense entanglement and I feel very confused. WS hasn’t sent a NC message yet. It feels like we’re going through the motions just trying to get through each day. Both mentally shattered. WS seems afraid to hurt AP's feelings. WS feels manipulated and helpless, but yesterday expressed more accountability and seemed to come to realisation of his responsibility. WS is a self-conscious person who feels very deeply - I'm blindsided and somehow also rationalising it away.

We have both expressed desire for R (M was previously very positive, open, communicative, and WS means the world to me), but right now I am really hurting. Any thoughts on how to get through these first few weeks? I just don't think we can afford MC. Thank you.

Read about limerence. It’s the honeymoon stage of anything that’s new and exciting. The problem is you assume that it is the real deal. You get the same feeling if you buy a car you’ve always wanted. You get the same feeling if you’re given a job you’ve applied for. Or made a new friend or bought a new house. Anything new and exciting gives you this wonderful euphoria. Limerence is the feeling that this is the one and only. It’s unreal. What he’s dealing with right now are feel good hormones flooding his brain, but they’re not going to last. In the meantime, he might just screw up a perfectly good relationship.

He probably felt the same way when he met you, but the difference is Limerence went away and reality came in and now he is looking for that new and exciting thing. He has the love of a perfectly good person, waiting at home for him. But that perfectly good person no longer gets those wild hormones floating around in his brain. All you can hope for is that reality sets in fairly quickly and he realizes that he made up a whole lot of this stuff in his head. If she chased him, it just felt so good to his ego.

I’m sorry you are here TSS. You will get much needed support.

First is to maintain your health as much as possible. Stay away from alcohol or unprescribed drugs. See your physician if you are having trouble sleeping. Try to exercise, even if it’s just a walk for fresh air.

Read the pinned posts here as well as in the wandering spouse page. Do not feel this is up to you to fix. Your spouse figured out how to have an affair. If he is truly committed to you and your marriage he can figure out how to fix this.

Now….. while it is a positive that he confessed…. this is not an emotional affair, but a physical affair. Meeting for lunch/dinner, hugs, etc., using marital funds when on a date, the emotional conversations all go well beyond an emotional affair.

Also, most people will confess to the bare minimum. And why did he confess-likely she was already wanting more if she has been crushing on him for a year.

Adults do adult things when alone. Long hugs, without a kiss??? Hand holding without touching a knee???

Most of us will strongly suggest you do not have the full truth. Until you have that, reconciliation doesn’t come close to starting. Plus a full written timeline of the affair.

Take care. Post often. Do you have a trusted friend or family member to tell for support?

And do not do MC right away. Your marriage did not cheat. He did. Individual counseling for both of you is urged. Plus, for you an IC that specifically is trained in infidelity trauma.

TSS

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Infidelity is a terrible form

of abuse. Right now I am guessing you are in shock. Any decisions concerning

reconciliation or divorce should not be made by you until your emotions settle

and you have had time to process everything. Forget the marriage counseling, it

really isn't for infidelity issues. Your WS needs the individual counseling. I do want to

warn you about "trickle truth". I can assure you the story you have been told has

been watered down and minimized. I am sure what happened is much worse than what

you have been told. You need to put the pressure on to get the truth. There is

no healing without the truth. Take care of yourself. Eat sleep and avoid alcohol.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 2:17 PM, Wednesday, July 1st]

Voluntary disclosure is a good thing, so you have that.

I'm a little bit confused about a 2 to 3 week EA and a voluntary confession with 3 d days? I'm also dubious about there being no sex when there were multiple lunch and dinner dates with some physical contact. It's possible there was nothing physically sexual, but unlikely if there was opportunity. These are things to think about.

One thing that's pretty consistent is that cheaters lie. It comes with the territory. You can't conduct any kind of an affair without deception, obfuscation, or lies. Its very rare for a wayward spouse to tell the whole truth, the whole story, right off the bat. The fact that he voluntarily confessed is a good thing and might put him in that rare category, but I wouldn't just assume that.

As far as "severity" goes, it can be argued some affairs are worse than others, and if what you're hearing is accurate this affair would register fairly low on the severity scale, but... no matter what happened there was a betrayal. I've seen it said that no matter the type of affair it was, it's always severe to the person experiencing the fallout.

Some people feel that exchanging kisses can be worse than just straight up sex. For instance, a spouse using prostitutes might not be as severe to someone as there being actual romance involved. Hand holding, kisses, and exchanging "I love yous" without sex could be perceived as "worse" than visiting prostitutes. It depends on the person. I personally think EAs can be just as bad a full on physical affairs.

The struggle to send a NC message is a red flag. Worrying about hurting AP's feelings while you, his wife, are bleeding out from the wound of betrayal is a red flag. That should happen ASAP. What's more important? Saving your marriage or protecting AP's feelings? A truly remorseful WS is willing to do anything it takes to save the marriage. No contact is the very first, most basic step in that process. Your feelings should trump all others in this situation.

It's not about getting through the first few weeks. More like the first few months. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. The general rule for recovery is 2 to 5 years, and that's when everything is going as well as possible. My d day was well over a year ago and I'm just now starting to get my feet back under me. I don't think you're even going to begin to start healing until that no contact message is sent and all ties are cut with her. If they're still in contact the affair is still ongoing.

What you need to know is that none of this is your fault. No matter what was happening in your marriage there's never a justification for an affair. You said that the marriage was going well before so I'm assuming he's not pinning any of this on you, but if he is, it's just a load of crap. No marriage is ever fixed or made better by bringing a third party into it.

Pogre once again nails it.

This is not your fault, your feelings and trauma are real. You will need time to heal from this. At least your partner voluntarily disclosed this, but keep an eye on them. Their actions will speak volumes.

Take care of yourself, and don't rush any decisions. I'm on week 7 after DDay and my anxiety, my sleep, my stress have all been all over the place. I've finally started to make a turn for the better (I think) and a lot of it has to do with the help I've gotten here from the kind folks who are sharing with us.

Post your feelings here, don't be afraid to talk here.

Thank you for the quick responses, it's amazing that this has already made me feel a bit less alone.

Read about limerence. It’s the honeymoon stage of anything that’s new and exciting.

To Cooley2here - This has come up in my research, and I'll look more into it. I'm so desperate to understand his mental state as if it might make me feel better or give an 'excuse' for this behaviour - but I know the answers won't come clearly or cleanly. You're totally right about our own early relationship: it was very intense, loving and 'like the movies'. Since buying a house and having a kid, things have of course become more mundane - but I honestly find this stuff so motivating and fulfilling that I assumed we would get through to better/easier days without a relationship crisis. Feeling a bit foolish about that now...

Now….. while it is a positive that he confessed…. this is not an emotional affair, but a physical affair. Meeting for lunch/dinner, hugs, etc., using marital funds when on a date, the emotional conversations all go well beyond an emotional affair.

To AnnieOakley - I genuinely had not considered this, so thank you for sharing your definition. And on your point about the AP wanting more, they did actually express this in a message. AP was careful to say 'if you weren't married', but also sent several clear messages that she cared about WS deeply and wanted to kiss/be more physical. I really, really want to trust him that hand-holding is as far as the physicality went... But I will push for the full timeline written down in as much detail as possible.

Forget the marriage counseling, it really isn't for infidelity issues. Your WS needs the individual counseling.

And to Gutpunch - thank you too! I don't know the first thing about counselling in this context. WS has done some therapy before, so hopefully will be open to it again. That's a topic we still need to discuss...

I think I have a lot of reading to do. Maybe will prevent me crying on the kitchen floor too much

Crying is totally OK. It's a reaction/expression to what's happened and what you're feeling.

I've been going to the locker room at my work and crying at least once a day. Your experience, the trauma from it are real. Don't beat yourself.

Reading and researching things is helpful as well, but I'd suggest both of you talk to a counselor/therapist through this. MC can come later, but the two of you can both benefit from talking about your feelings and mental/emotional states with a professional.

We're all sorry that you're here, but at least you're here with us.