Hikingout asked me: I think maybe the box to start with is what made you accept less than what you should have had?
Xh’s behavior doesn’t excuse mine. I know that. This post might sound like blaming, it’s not. For me, it’s my heavy reminder to not give everything i have away. I never want to experience that isolation and loneliness ever again. I got so overwhelmed by marriage, career, kids, bills, you name it, I carried it all. i moved into survival mode and stayed there for a very, very long time. Surviving isn’t living, surviving isn’t thinking, surviving is putting things on autopilot. I burying the pain so far down it has a different zip-code.
I found this letter when i moved out, and kept it - it helped me rebuild. I will share a paragraph.
"I thought for a long time this weekend about out last conversation and I need to say this and I need you to hear it. First, I think we need outside help, I know you don’t believe in it, but "this" what we do isn’t working. I have faith in you, I love you with everything I am, but I have learned I cannot lean on you. Im falling apart, i can’t, just can’t. The "I can do it all" is a crock of sh*t, is a cover, I do it because there is no other choice, and the cost to me is too high. I can’t continue to look after everything in the house, pay bills, work full time, take care of the kids and your sisters kids without any help. It’s too much.
XH talked a lot about change, I even gave him a list of tangible things he could do, each time his actions showed otherwise. In response I did the I can do it all. Yes, but at what cost. I became a master of hyper-functioning and an empty shell just trying to keep it all together and the thought of leaving was just another check box on an already overloaded plate.
I will hold onto this letter and keep it as reminder.
I am thankful every day that I am no longer living in survival mode.
