I just found out that my wife of 2 years (together for 7) cheated on me with a coworker (who lives elsewhere) multiple times while at a company conference.
For context, we’ve been struggling with intimacy issues and found ourselves going months between sex, not a lot of desire in the relationship. I struggle with depression and was on ssri’s for the last year and a half to help with things. I did genuinely feel better. It caused me to be emotionally flat and less desiring of her. She would bring this up when things got bad and I would try to make changes (planning sex, more dates, more physical contact). But we would fall back into the same patterns. I was also still trying to build a better exercise habit which has been difficult for me. All to say, it’s been many cycles of this.
I finally made the decision to wean off my meds (just completed this in June so the effects are still here), go to the gym more, and play a more active role in working on my emotional and physical connection with my wife. But it was too late.
She had a massive discussion with me early July where she said she was contemplating if we ever had a connection at all. She was thinking about whether she wanted to be with me. She felt I didn’t care about her, didn’t love her. I saw this as a swift kick in the butt and really set my mind to things. I talked about my plan and tried to set some time based goals to keep me motivated and accountable. I asked for some time so I could show I can be better. But she had already cheated a month before and was pulling away from me. I cuddled her more, planned surprises, tried to initiate sex. But she felt disgusted by what she’d done and turned me down every time.
Finally DDay in August where she shared she had cheated but gave no other details other than it happened and was over. She was expecting me to kick her out of the house and end things. But I love her with all my heart and was willing to work through it.
The next day we were texting and I was feeling like I could move past it. She asked why I loved her and wanted to be with her. I said all the things I’ve always said about her. I admire her creativity and passion for what she spends her time on. She takes care of herself and her friends. She’s taught me things that I want for me and she’s just so impressive to me. I ended by saying look it was one time and it’s over and we can work through it if we both choose to. But then I wondered (my anxiety kicked in), "Was it only one time?" No. It was multiple times and it was months ago and I had met the person. I had a face and a name that has been in my head since then.
I’m so unbelievably angry at my WW and at the AP an older married man with kids. I got all this news at work and had to go to my car so I could scream at the top of my lungs and punch something.
I don’t know how to feel because it’s all so fresh. She is the person I pictured my life with. Dreams of kids? She’s there. A house we could call our own? She’s there. Everything good in life, I picture her there with me. But now she isn’t sure she can be married to anyone. Not sure if she can be monogamous.
And now I’m left here and I don’t know where I am.
Then the next day I found out she lied about a lot more. It was both a EA and PA that lasted for 5 months. I texted the AP’s wife and she confirmed that they aligned work trips to be together. I found screenshots of messages between them, pictures she took for him. Disgusting.
And yet, I’m here wondering if it could be worked through. I know we haven’t been married long but we built something. I’m working on finding healthy separation for some time so we can both go to IC and begin to process. But I’m caught in the cycle of will it work or are we done.
