Hi All,
I am feeling stuck (again).
We are 10 months out from DDay (5 months from 2nd DDay). Details in my story.
I feel I am doing all I can. IC, radical honesty, being supportive, avoiding triggers as much as I can. My time is fully committed to my BS and children, with the exception of work (I am reducing my hours at work as well, so I have to go to the office less) etc. I am doing the internal work. I am no perfect, but believe me every fibre of my body is focused on recovering and reconciling. I also try to do pleasant things for us as a couple.
My BS feels I am doing nothing. He says that me being loving and caring doesn’t address what I have done. He sees the same person. Even if I have taken full accountability, he feels it’s superficial. He doesn’t see any radical change. He says I was always nice. That I have shown I can be fully committed for long periods and then betray. He is open to reconciling, but he doesn’t see me doing what is needed.
I asked him what I could do more and the answer includes things like "addressing what you have done", "restore justice", etc.
My BS in a heated moment also told me I behave like I am not the "CEO of reconciliation" but an "employee waiting instructions".
I don’t understand what I am missing. I am willing. I want to do more, I am open to do whatever.
He asked me to get a journal where I write every day what I am doing to reconcile. And things like "being supportive / relieving him of house chores / being nice" don’t count.
And although I feel my mind is overloaded all the time and my time is fully dedicated to the family, if I think about the journal my mind gets blank - like I am really not doing much. Or what I am doing is not "tangible" or visible (e.g. I let go of all resentment..)
How did you move from this?
I know the timeframe is 2 to 5 years. I am not impatient, I am fine with more time as well. But my BS says things will not change by just waiting more. If I don’t address things now, nothing will change.
We do have the occasional nice day. The occasional confrontational days. But now the majority is these "grey days". Cold days.
Please note this post is to help me reflect on my own behaviour and what I can do more.
I know no one here can tell me what to do. But if you have any advice on how to move and grow from this, I d be so grateful. Or if you went through this dynamic.
I admit I am feeling low. It’s like everyday what I did hits me more, and the task keeps getting bigger and bigger. I do feel "paralysed" sometimes (adding this for context)
[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 12:32 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]
