We’re about 9 months out, and I think one of the things I’m struggling with most right now is feeling like my husband still thinks loving me the way he loved me before the affair should be enough. And it isn’t anymore.
I don’t mean that I need endless apologies, constant reassurance, or for him to spend the rest of our marriage making up for what he did. I actually don’t want more "I’m sorrys." The fact that when he says them it sounds robotic and lacks tenderness probably doesn't help. I want to feel that he thinks about me.
I keep asking for him to lead more in our healing... to be proactive, intentional, curious, and emotionally aware. I want him to think, "What more can I do to help us connect relationally?" instead of waiting until I’m hurting and telling him exactly what I needed.
This weekend gave me a couple examples of what I mean.
It was the anniversary of my dad’s death. I wanted coffee and to watch the sunrise at the beach because that was something we used to do with my dad. I was already emotional and to make matters worse we were hosting his younger brother and SIL. On the way there, my husband was talking to his brother about work the whole time and we were bickering and he was just all around not giving me any grace considering the circumstances, getting coffee became an argument because it was out of the way, but that's what I used to do with my dad. When we got there, he was with our boys for a little bit and then went over to his brother. He never came over and hugged me, sat beside me, asked about my dad, or acknowledged what the day meant. It felt like the day didn't even matter to him and like he just wanted to talk shop and connect with his brother more than be there for me on a really hard day.
I ended up sitting with my SIL waiting for him to come over and create a moment with me. My daughter was actually the person who joined me in my grief. She talked about her NayNay and wrote him little notes in the sand. It was beautiful, but I remember thinking how badly I wished my husband had come and sat beside me and held me and remembered him with me.
When I told him how lonely that felt, he said he thought I wanted to be alone. And maybe he genuinely did. But this is what I mean by curiosity. Come over. Hug me. Ask, "Do you want me to sit with you, or would you rather have some space?" I don’t expect him to read my mind. I want him to wonder about me. I've expressed this need so so often. Before we got there I even told him, I'm having a hard time, please just be tender towards me, you keep talking to me like I'm a nuisance and ruining the day but I'm just having a hard time right now.
Then yesterday we were going around the island where we spent a lot of time with AP as a family. We literally parked across from one of her houses where we all used to hang out, and my SIL commented on how beautiful the house was. It gutted me. I was such an anxious mess but I really did my best to not be grumpy and ruin the day. I may have been short and grumpy over something small like him not getting me the lunch I wanted, but I just felt like he was showing me in small ways and big just how little he thinks about me or considers me.
Today I told him how much it would have meant if he had approached me at some point and said something like, "I know being here and passing all these places must be really hard for you. I’m proud of you. I know what you’ve had to carry because of what I did, and I love you."
Instead, he seemed surprised that being on the island would have been an issue. Eventually he shut down and said "I’m sorry," and I lost it, I don’t want another apology. I want him to SEE me. His apologies sound apathetic and empty, no tenderness or care. It's like he's exhausted and just saying it to shut me up.
He tells me he loves me. He is sweet to me. He helps with our family. He does check in sometimes, and I don't want to erase those things. This weekend he became frustrated and told me that he had been sweet and curious and checking in, but I kept making him feel like an asshole who was doing everything wrong.
And I think that’s where we are so stuck.
He keeps hearing, "You aren't doing enough."
What I'm trying desperately to communicate is, "I need you to learn to love me differently now."
I don’t want 50 more checkins because he’s afraid he isn't doing enough. I want him to develop the relational instinct to think about my inner world. I want him to recognize significant days and obvious triggers and move toward me. I want him to initiate connection. I want him to be curious when he doesn't know what I need. I want him to think about what might make me feel loved and cherished and then do it, without me having to design the moment for him first. It's making me feel so unseen and considering we aren't being intimate because I keep telling him I want to connect first, I feel like we are so freaking stuck and just becoming more distant and it breaks me heart all over again.
I want to discover that I was on his mind. I want to feel like he's curious and actively thinking of me and my internal experience without me prompting him.
And when I try to explain a missed opportunity, I don't want him to collapse into "nothing I do is enough" or "I’m an asshole." I want him to be able to think, "Okay, I understand her a little better now. What can I learn from this? How can I show up differently next time?"
I feel like I have explained this so clearly and so many times. He has said he knows what he needs to do but I'm not seeing it. We're 9 months out, and I'm exhausted from feeling like I'm still teaching him how to reach me.
I love him. I believe he loves me. I don't think he's intentionally withholding love from me. I think shame and defensiveness get in the way, and I think sometimes he genuinely believes he is doing what I've asked. But I feel so incredibly alone when I have to keep explaining how I need him to emotionally come toward me.
For those farther along in reconciliation... did this change?
Did your partner eventually stop approaching repair as "Am I doing enough?" and start thinking more naturally, "How is my partner doing, and how can I connect with them?"
Did the proactive empathy, curiosity, emotional awareness, and initiative eventually become more natural instead of something you had to constantly request?
I think I just need some hope right now that 9 months isn't the finished product. That shame doesn't have to keep him stuck here. That someone who isn't naturally emotionally attuned can actually learn this and that eventually I won't have to work this hard just to feel seen by my husband.
Because right now I don't need him to be perfect. I just desperately need to feel like we are moving toward one another when instead it feels like we keep getting more distant. Sorry this is so long but I just feel so stuck and sad.
