SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are college sweethearts, been together for 13 years and married 2 years ago. For months now, I’ve had suspicions that something felt off. Despite not finding evidence, alas I found a text 5 weeks ago. I was completely blindsided. He was in limerance and once I found out everything, what I had in front of me was hard to believe. He not only had an affair behind my back for 3.5 years, he was romance scammed. The crazy part is this woman flew from Asia on multiple occasions. My assumption is that she has multiple men she’s doing this to. Either way, she lied about having cancer, being abused, the whole nine yards. After finding out and making him aware of the truth, he seems to have come to his senses. What I’ll never get over is the premeditated meetings in hotels, it’s beyond me. Days of endless talking on the way home, on the way to work, at home, it’s truly truly beyond me. I’m absolutely devastated. I asked why, he said after the death of his dad, he spiraled and didn’t know how to speak to anyone. And this is what he did, and that grew into something he couldn’t pull himself out of. I will never understand, it will never make any sense.

Despite the fact that he’s remorseful, it doesn’t change anything. He keeps saying he wants to change for himself. All I know is, I’m hurt, I’m devastated, and i’m humiliated. Nothing changes the fact that 13 years I’ve spent with him were not always perfect, but he was my best friend. And for him to throw it all away, I just have no words.

Sorry not much time to respond.

This is a world destroying fear I have as well with my people pleasing wife. I get what You are feeling

Remember – you have options.
If you decide to stay married then it’s your decision to do so.
Don’t be afraid of making demands. Like I would want him to seek IC for his issues. I would want total openness and accountability. I would question how he could divert the funds (I’m taking it a scammer isn’t doing this for free) as well as the amount.

Remember that if he doesn’t comply with what you need you always can file.

If he opens up, then with time you will feel safer. That is a good time to create the marriage you want.

I understand the hurt and betrayal you are experiencing. It doesn’t make sense why someone would do this.

It’s hard to understand now, in the early stages of finding out about the affair. But the choice to cheat has NOTHING to do with you. And everything to do with the cheater.

The cheater cheats for one reason - they want to. They like the attention and ego boost the affair gives them. The other woman or affair partner is available and new. Exciting even. Someone new to the cheater.

In your case it goes deeper because he was also scammed out of money. Just another thing to deal with on top of the betrayal.

Please consider getting some professional help for yourself. Someone who can help you navigate this process and support YOU.

Don’t make any permanent decisions in the first 90 days after you have discovered the situation. You want to be sure you are not reacting but are making decisions for the right reasons.

Please financially protect yourself as well, to the best of your ability.

Continue to post here - you will get great support.

I’m so sorry rn1892. 3.5 years is a long time, what a nightmare. If ever there were a case to prove that affairs are based in fantasy, this is the one. Instead of talking to his actual best friend (you), he talked to a make-believe person. But like you said, the affair was real.

If you haven’t done so already, seek out a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma.

You should also get tested for STDs.

Five weeks is a short period of time, you can stay undecided about your marriage for as long as you feel you need.

What kind of guidance are you looking for?