SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Jeez, what a rollercoaster. Good to see you're growing beyond it...there will always be hard days and doubts and backsliding but just keep at it. It's amazing how much your mindset has changed already just in the course of this thread.

The money, well, that's just wacked. I don't know how things work in Norway, but in many US states marital property is community property. Four grand is a lot of money for most people these days, and I bet OMW has a divergent view of whether her family can afford to bankroll your WW. This affects OMW's livelihood, and I think you ought to let her know now rather than sit on it.

Actually, tthe imp sitting on my left shoulder wants you to take the money and the receipt and mail it back to OMW...and the imp sitting on his left shoulder wants you to just keep it yourself and feign complete ignorance!

Stupid carrying that kind of cash around...

How awful, ozzy. What a piece of work.

If I were the OMW, I would really appreciate being tipped off about this. Since they are still married (and possibly, supposedly in R?) the OMW could be on the hook financially for any expenses your WW chooses to put on that credit card.

Yes, the one positive thing is that I am getting stronger and really don´t care about recon anymore (well, slightly. 15yrs is hard to lose).

This is my wife who 2yrs ago was battling depression, asking me to promise her I would never leave her, shocked last yr when her friend´s husband dumped her (same friend going out with tomorrow), said we would never split, our love is too strong, begged me to finish work early so we could be together, missed me when I went to UK for 3 days yadayada....

Although OM is in a very good job, OMW has all the money, which is why I think he wants recon more than my WW.

Still thinking about calling her, but it may pick at her wound. She has my number anyway. Time to stop doing all the running around.

Yup, thought of ordering sex toys on his card and getting them delivered to his work address. Yup, thought about another holiday. Yup, thought about taking some of the money. Yup, thought about taking all of the money and when WW asks about it, saying "What? You mean OM gave you money in April and you think I have it? Maybe we should call his wife and ask her? Or call the internal auditors at his (Global Blue Chip) company and ask them to audit his accounting and justify why you flew to Norway a few weeks ago!"

Thought of also calling OM and seeing if he knows me and WW have been physically active right up until the end of August. I wonder if she has told him she has not had sex with me in months! THAT would make me laugh. I would be the OM!

But no, I will no longer get pulled down by that crap.

A question: Could it be that OM and WW are back in contact? OM may have initially gone back "with his tail between his legs," but he may still be involved.

My situation was similar to that. They broke off after I told OMW, but restarted about a week later. I found out two weeks after that. One more call to OMW, and guess what?

OM told his wife that my WW was stalking him, that it was all my WW, blah, blah (she emailed my WW telling her to stop ruining THEIR marriage). Hmmm, strange, since they were communicating via a fake email/facebook accts that HE set up with a woman's name.

WW then realized that OM was throwing her under the bus. That broke her out of the fog/fence sitting/cake eating. If your OMW has all the $, OM may have more reasons to do the same.

One more comment: You're still early in this. You're doing well.

WW will pull the "I'm leaving" card on you (and she might), but it sounds like she is doing it to get attention from you (what all WS crave). That's what the 180 is about: giving yourself strength to not cave in by being dependent on her.

She is so confident that she actually left the money in her drawer for months. She told you not to look and you were able to hold out for all this time. You have amazing fortitude to go as long as you have. You did the right thing. The sooner she is out the better. Then cut the communications to the bare minimum. I'll say it again for reinforcement. You are not her backup, ally, confidante, best buddy, servant, worker bee, drone, sexual release, funding source or babysitter. She must be made to see that she has chosen this path and must reap what she has sewn. If there is any shot at her getting her head out of her ass, this is it. Stay strong.

Ozzy, sounds like you're moving ahead as best you can. Good for you! It occurs to me that, if you have credit cards, she could use them and saddle you w/ crushing debt. If you have not yet consulted an attorney to see what is needed to protect your finances, do so ASAP. I wouldn't touch OM's card or the cash; could be considered theft. You don't need that headache.

All monies are considered matrimonial property and have to be listed as an asset and divided equily in a divorce. You are intitled to half of those monies. You need to share the information with the betrayed spouse, it will affect her property split. This man is a thief as well as a cheat and a liar.

Ozzy,

You have to try to adapt a rather Stoic point of view on your situation.

Sort of think that if someone shits all over you then if they spit on you an hour later then things really aren’t any worse.

I want to suggest you make the affair and her decision as real as possible. For one you should clear up the issue of you all being friends and family once she leaves. Be very clear on this. There won’t be together family time.

Split the finances ASAP. Don’t worry about the long-term debt as such. Look into splitting the income for now. IF this leads to divorce then LT debt will be handled there. What is important now is that your joint commitments are covered and your son’s needs.

Avoid giving her reasons to argue. I’m not saying you should give in to her needs. Simply stick to your demands and refuse to enter arguments.

Well, she has moved out. Happy to be free of this limbo at last, and I can start to move on with my life.

Who knows what the future holds. Part of me would still want her back, but I think now instead of accepting a kind of 2nd best (my frame of mind a month ago), if recon happens, it has to be on my terms.

The way she has conducted herself over the last 9 months and now that I am out of my fog shows me that she is not a very nice person at the moment and far from the woman I married.

We have always had separate bank accounts, and if anything, mine hold more debts than hers, so there is no issue of losing money if the big D rears it head. The only real asset we have is the house (and kids of course).

Finances going forward are that we add up her rent, child costs and all of the maintenance costs of the family home and split these 50/50. This seems a fair way in the short term until things are clearer.

Kiss and cuddle last night and her stating "we are good friends and will always be".

I am just keeping my head down and observing now.

The only "nasty" thing I have done is written her a letter inspired by Fallen in the Wayward Side forum - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=373005. A little moving in present I left in the box with her cosmetics.

May not have been the best move if I want recon, but it was good therapy and as my WW still shows no remorse, I think it would be good for her to experience what I am feeling.

All feeling of "how did this happen to me?", "how can I win her back?" "now I am all alone" etc. is gone from me. Just a feeling of a weight lifted off my shoulders and a focus on my future and my children´s.

At least my WW gave me the gift of seeing her for who she is, and by her recent actions, getting me out of this fog.

Have a good weekend everyone, and hopefully now I will stop venting and start being able to offer some advice to newbies.

Living in hell for 9 months is more than most can take. The fact that you can be philosphical about it is very very good.

I don't get why she insists that you can be friends except to make herself feel good. Frankly, I see that as demeaning. You can say anything, but maybe the best way is to simply show her that you don't give a rip. I guess you do that by not always responding to her needs and her calls.

I read the Fallen post. Holy Crapbags!!! If that doesn't get through to her, nothing will. I wonder if she will even mention having seen it. I bet she acts like you never wrote it.

Well my friends, last post on this forum before I move to the separation forum.

Thanks for all your support, BIGGER, I hope you will keep following my story and offering advice, t - means alot and you speak words of wisdom.

WW moved out yesterday. Went to office party, came home drunk, saw she had moved some stuff out and thought I would have my own clear out - pictures of her family etc. WW came by this morning (approved), and said "I know you´re angry, but did you have to take down the pics etc.? They were there so the boys could feel at home". Explained I needed my own home and not reminders.

Needed help finding bolts for dinner table. When I went to her car to look at it, she closed the rear door quickly as if hiding something (4,000usd in cash?). Said I could not be bothered to play games anymore, and walked away.

Came by in pm, felt she expected me to sit down and talk, but I had been to Ikea, got pictures, lamp etc. Said I was too busy to talk, as I had to put up a lamp, pictures etc. She definitely noticed I was moving on.

She asked why am I being hostile. Explained my perspective on dinner table, maybe OM can help her with it.

She said now I have pissed her off and she will cancel cheap internet deal she gets with company. What she does not realise is that I can no longer be threatened.

She asked kids to go swimming, shopping with her. Both refused, other plans, S9 going to cinema with me. Kinda felt like she was feeling the pressure of separation. Having freedom and your own place may not be so dandy.

Nice to have an evening by myself and setting my rules, but still feel nostalgic.

One question - How the hell does recon start? Because at the moment, I cannot see it in the future, I am too raw, she is too proud. We are effectively setting up our own places. What is the magic moment? For now, I am certainly not going to talk abot recon until she does and I just don´t see that happening.

I think that should come from her. Keep moving on, she needs to make the first move, remember in her mind this is all about her. If you persue her she will only feel that you are invading her space. Plan things with the kids, forget her for a while. It has to be her move.

Try Retrouvaille. It may not save your M, but it will get you to communicate more effectively and hopefully without hurting each other further.

I would just start filing for D instead of S. It seems she is just using S to her advantage for soft transition dangling you along. And contact OMW and even her work to let them know of improper use of company assets.

It seems she is the one truly moving on, and despite 180 you appear willing to keep waiting for her. Sorry to say this, but you still look weak to her. No reason to hold punch anymore at this point. Get nasty and mean. Don't be so civil. I am upset to see you trampled all over like this.

Lonewolf, you might have nailed it. S13 out baabysitting last night, agreed with WW I would txt her when he is home. She called at 11.30pm, is he home? No, but woke me up (alarm set for 12am to check). Arguement started. Feels like she was feeling the pressure of being alone.

Came for lunch and dinner tonight, short story is this still feels like limbo to me and feels like she has a game plan to make transition soft. Kids do not seem bothered by separation. Probably because for last 10 months WW has not been part of family. She is, but a "buffet parent" and still has maintained a strong bond with them. I know it is early days, and selfish of me to be a bit pissed that they are not bothered (better transition for them), but I think, if the kids are not bothered, WW is not bothered, why should I bother? Might as well divorce.

Going to move to Separation forum, thanks to everyone for support and advice. Feeling a bit low tonight, and a sense of melancholy. 13yrs of M is hard to let go (although WW seems able to do this).

Spent afternoon by myself, wonderful to have time alone, but felt it would have been better to share things with someone.

Not sure if you have read full story, but living in Iceland without family or old friends around me, and sorry to sound like a sad git, but just feel lonely.

What is the point of experiencing things if you have no-one to share them with?

Filing for a divorce would tell your wife that you are actively moving on and turning your back on her and a failed marriage. Maybe start dating as well.

Not filing implies you are hopefully waiting for possible reconciliation sometime in the future. If your wife believes this she will string you along for months or even years. Just a narcissistic power game to her