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devastatedmomof2, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts, and your reply brought me sense of hope, and tears in my eyes. As everyone else's encouragements and advice, I truly truly appreciate all of you and all of your outpouring support.

I do have a slight conflict in my head, was wondering if anyone can help me out. I've decided to go 180 on her, it does not promote anger, hate, and it's a great tool to minimize further damage. But at the same time I need to put myself in a place where I put my total trust in God, where the truth of her NC does not affect me or dictate my life. I guess my question is...eventhough now I've decided to go 180 on her, should I still bother to be suspecious, check phone records, emails...etc? If she's being truthful to me about NC, great!! If not, she's probably going to be extremely discreet about the A from now on so I won't find out. Should I actively pursue more answer, more proof?

I'm now 2 yrs out...it took a while to heal. But I can tell you that your WW and my ex are cut from the same cloth.

If they are not 100% sincerely remorseful from the getgo...it will never happen.

You can hope, pray, etc, but she doesn't see life the way we do. The rules are different.

It sucks, but you can only control your reactions, not her actions.

I'm in a much better place now than I ever was. Have my kids, a new love...it does get better. Stay strong bro.

I'm jumping into this late, sorry rightbeforebday.

One quick piece of advice; you don't need to justify to your W your reason(s) for contacting the OM's BS. That your W is upset that you did is irrelevent. You're protecting your M...nuf said.

If you have questions for her and can't ask them due to time with DD (or due to any circumstances) then write them down and request replies from her within a defined time period.

Regarding your M; she's either all in or not in at all. She needs to understand that concept, completely.

And hang in there...this will be a long roller-coaster ride so buckle in bro.

Just to clarify, my prayers are for our healings, well being of my child...etc. As for our M, I've let go and no longer rely on what we do or say, truth or lies, or any kind of false hope. I have found a better way to cope with things through faith, and it makes me feel a whole lot better. My feeling matters and I'm not gonna allow my wife's action to dictate how I feel. I'm in a much better place from exactly one week ago when I first discovered the text message.

Just realized it's the one week anniversary of my D-Day, and I'm actually capable of including this in my message.

I have an amazing God.

[This message edited by rightbeforebday at 12:14 PM, November 30th (Tuesday)]

I think 180 is all about you making YOURSELF better, and worrying about you. So, decide what you need. Do you need to know that your WW is NC with OM? In my case, I DID need to know that, and I checked multiple times a day to make sure. It wasn't about him, it was more about protecting myself. I didn't want to live in denial, and I certainly did not want to go about R with a lying, continuously cheating H. I wanted to know that I wasn't wasting my time, you know? So, I had to, for me, continue to check. I still do. Not as often, but I do check out e-mail, FB, phone records, etc.

If it's not something you're worried about, or something that you need, then that's great! One less thing on your mind!

In the end, just do what helps you.

I promise you, in a year and a half, they had sex more than once. She sounds awfully invested in OM.

Also the whole hand wringing about his relationship with OM's BS? That's about HER chances with OM... will he be free? Will he dump your WW?

It's still all about her as far as I can see. She threw you some "remorse" -- but what she's saying and focusing on (her, OM, not you, not your daughter) shows me she doesn't get it.

Also, I'm troubled that she wanted you to lie for her, as I see it. Send a new email to OM's BS clarifying that it was a one-time fuck and otherwise "friendship"?

Huh. Sounds like damage control.

There's worse out there, buddy. I think you're going to find more if you keep looking. I'm glad you have your faith in God to keep you strong.

As the bible says, the truth will set you free... (but first it will piss you off.)

Hang in there. I'm sorry you're doing through this.

I am going to caution you not to minimize the "friendship". Even if they only had sex once, it sounds like they were in a full blown EA. Its not a friendship. Friendships do not cause you to betray your spouse.

My WH told me at first that it been an EA for months, that they had only had sex 2 times. Then came the TT, it was more than 2 times it had been going on for quite some time, etc. I listened to everything he said, wrote in my journal, wrote down the timeline of the A. Checked our cell phone records going back almost a year and finally after 5 months I feel I have the truth. It was an EA for a little over a month and then a PA 10 months and the final month it reverted back to an EA. (WH ket saying he ended it but couldn't maintain NC).

My WH told me intially he did not tell me everything to protect me. Defended the OW, etc. in doing so he protected the A and allowed the A to continue.

There is a mourning period for WS. they are angry, moody, agitated when they are withdrawing from the A.

It is so hard at times to be angry with the WS and hard to see them in pain, because we do love them. In spite of what they have done.

There will be good days and bad days. Eventually the good days outnumber the bad. I am glad you are having a good day. Keep hoping for the best but don't let your guard down. Keep the 180 up. It really helps (especially on days when it feels like you have been blindsided). Remember, there are worse things than the M ending. Living in limbo or having to share your partner is a hell I wouldn't wish on my enemy.

So today being the first day I consciously practice 180, and really so far all I did was skipping my normal usual "good morning, how you feeling?" text.

Last night I went out for band practice and today I took a long walk home in the rain listening to inspirational music(my therapy). Two days straight she continuesly text me asking me if I was alright and that she was worry about me. Deep inside I appreciated it, but I replied with short answers such as "I'm okay", "don't worry".

Today on my way home I missed all of her text and missed her phone call(because I was walking in the rain listening to inspiration music) appearantly she had something important to talk to me about. so as soon as I got home I put on my daughter's favorite movie for her and had a talk with my wife in the bathroom(our office).

She told me that the OM had called her today at 3pm using a private number and told her about the hell that's been raised in their campus. His family, his girl friend's family, all together flying in from all over the world for Thankgiving and she found my message just as the family arrived(secretly I sadistically find pleasure in hearing it). According to my wife, the OM told her that everything is over there and down the shit hole and the horrific nightmare was shared with the entire two families, and he confirmed with her it's the last time he ever will contact her. Then my wife continued on describing him as a high risk suicidal person, and that she's very sorry that I'll witness her being troubled by this guys possible suicidal thoughts. She then re-affirm to me that she'll never contact him and she asked me for forgiveness and my trust. I held in any kind of emotion and told her flat out that it will be hard for me to trust her again, and right now I'm finding comfort on my own faith and I'm at peace with myself.

At the end of the conversation I told her she scored a big point in my trust book by telling me he called, but I still going to have doubts every now and will seek answer.....I then asked her when they screwed and she told me a month ago, then I asked where but she couldn't answer as she was very distraught, I told her I already saw her email and it was done on my bed! She followed that up with a gagging reflex and almost threw up(display of shame?).

At the end of our conversation, she asked for my forgiveness for her current worry about the OM possibly committing suicide(she's a recent suicide survivor who had to cut her own brother off the rope). I told her I'll do my best to understand but don't expect any sympathy from me. I told her at the end that I now find peace and base my happiness and hope on my faith rather than her, and I told her that it's a tough road ahead and we don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. I last asked her to confirm with me eye to eye that NC is definite, and she said "it's done, it's over".

What do you guys think, I think it's a breakthrough on her part, she's trying to gain my trust, she's openly sharing with me what she's feeling(she's not hiding her worries for him killing himself).

I'm continuing 180 and I welcome further advice.

[This message edited by rightbeforebday at 4:31 PM, November 30th (Tuesday)]

I think OM threw your WW under the bus.

I think until you outed it to OM's BS, the affair was still on.

She didn't end this on her own, I wouldn't give her too much credit. Where was her remorse before the shit hit the fan? She's playing you. Sorry.

Make her get rid of the bed.

Watch what she does not what she says. She has to earn your trust back.

My WH went NC a couple of times before it took, the A is an addiction. Something that is not easy to let go of.

She's investing way too much into the OM. I think this "suicide" story is a bunch of crap. If you lay down with dogs....well...

I also don't buy the crap about she's not really his "wife" only his girlfriend. This is just minimizing.

Sex only once? In a year and a half? More horse shit.

And her making you change the letter...sounds like she's trying to match up stories.

I think you're doing great, but don't get too hopeful yet. I think she's still lying to you and I think you are a L-O-N-G way from the truth.

I think it's a breakthrough on her part, she's trying to gain my trust, she's openly sharing with me what she's feeling

Sadly it's not. You asked about where the sex took place - she wouldn't tell you. She hasn't volunteered any information, only confirmed what you had uncovered on your own.

Trust? Uhmmm... that will take years to achieve and only when she becomes open, honest, transparent, seeks therapy....

I'm sorry about her history of suicide but quite frankly she is still entirely to focused on the OM. While she worries, frets, moons, cries, etc.. she is asking for your understanding? Absolutely not.

Who cares what is happening in the OM's household, that is his issue to bear... what did she think would happen? The OM's wife/girlfriend would be doing a happy dance? And as of right now it's none of her damned business what's happening there.

She is focused on him and not on you or the marriage.

Continue the 180 for your own healing, clearly it's working for you and throwing her for a loop.

If she brought him into your home and had sex on your bed, I'll bet you anything they had sex more than once.

Most WS tell the BS when busted that it was only once, probably 99% of them say that only to find it was more, wayyyyyyyy more.

I think this "suicide" story is a bunch of crap.

I agree. I think because of her history with suicide she's playing that against you. I was told OW's H was abusive and violent and don't tell him anything he will explode.

He was more shocked than anyone when I told him that, he's a very nice guy.

.

I also don't buy the crap about she's not really his "wife" only his girlfriend. This is just minimizing

Why was she lying about it? Who cares of he's married or in a long term relationship? Seriously... I think your wife thinks a 'girlfriend' isn't as important as a wife, and therefore is being dismissive of their relationship. Did she tell OM that you are "just her boyfriend"?

Lucky,

EXACTLY. Thank you.

I agree with Lucky. I think she's using the "suicide" crap to take the focus off what she's done. Honestly, how do you even know she's telling you the truth about the OM, and the "suicide" crap? Lots of WS's say that about the AP. Not to mention, at this point she's still foggy, and Foggy WS's are liars.

If she brought him into your home and had sex on your bed, I'll bet you anything they had sex more than once.

Yup. I agree with this one too. Unless your wife is a complete heartless bitch, there is NO WAY that the one and only time they had sex was in YOUR bed. Maaaybeee if they were falling down drunk or something like that.

But it's my opinion that she was feeling pretty darn comfortable with him and had already been in the sack with him several times by the time they fell into your bed.

Listen very carefully to what she is admitting to. Seems to me only the things that you KNOW about. And even those things she is minimizing.

I've been here a long time and I can't tell you how many times I've seen a BS come here with an admission from their WS that it was "only kissing" or only sex once" and it has turned into a full blown affair that went on for years.

As far as that suicide balogna. That is just what I said before. A load of CRAP. She is manipulating you. They (WS's) will say ANYTHING to minimize and keep you in the dark or from comparing stories with the other BS. I've heard things like, "the other BS is mentally unstable, he/she could be killed." or "the OP will lose his/her job" or "the other BS has a violent temper he/she could come after US!!" It's all fear tactics used as manipulation in order to keep the affair under wraps and to keep the details secret or to be able to continue the affair.

Don't be so quick to "see" truth and grief or sorrys from your wife. Right now you're looking for that. Make her SHOW you these things. She needs to PROVE to you that she DESERVES your trust.

And from where I'm sitting, she has a long way to go.

You are going to go through so many thoughts and feelings as you process all this and work your way through it. Don't be surprised if the peace you feel comes and goes. That is normal.

I would like to say that I have a strong spiritual foundation with God and he is where I find my strength as well. With that being said, I don't believe he wants us to lie down and play dead. He will give you the strength and wisdom to deal with every situation, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want us to deal with the situations that arise in our lives.

I would like to recommend a book to you that helped me get through my situation. I think it might help you with where you are at right now. It is called "Tough Love" by James Dobson. I think it might help you come to terms with infidelity from a spiritual perceptive. It helped saved my life.

Prayers are with you, my friend.

so she's in the fog and I'm experiencing TT from her.

I'm confused right now, I like the 180 idea, but at the same time I feel that I'm not being pro-active.

Neither did Elijah brother. Be still.

Silent. Listening. Watching.

That's being "proactive", with yourself!

Her histrionic gagging manipulation of you makes me want to gag!

You listen to these folks posting above me...they are, really man -

some of the wisest people on SI. Saved my bacon.