SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pretty obvious why your wife is dragging her feet - your are her fall-back option. If it all turns sour with the OM then she needs a refuge; a place to come home to.

She may not care for you but a marriage is not necessarily about love, its about security, both emotional and financial, for both her and her children.

Not very flattering being a fall back option, bit degrading actually. She will refuse to cooperate on the divorce since its not in her best interests, and there not a lot you can do except push things along as fast as you can.

It tells you the OM isn't too keen on marrying her and bringing up another mans kids either. If she doesn't feel she has a secure future with the OM why should she let go of what she already has?

As I said very degrading and she's calling the shots.

I don't think it necessarily means that her bubble has burst yet or that she's keeping you as 'back-up' - she seems pretty deep in the fog. Maybe it's just that she's just not going to address it with you in *person* and is leaving it to her solicitor? Get yourself prepared for that - in case you suddenly get hit with a formal and hard line letter from someone representing her.

You have handled all of this so amazingly well and your kids are very lucky they have you.

As a BS and Mother I am beyond horrified by what your WW has exposed your kids to. I started reading this thread last night and was still thinking of you and your children this morning. The situation they are in is worrisome - she's neglecting them. Have you contacted that organization that helped someone else's friend with custody?

Thanks for your supportive posts, all of you. This is the only place I can go where people understand.

I am bracing myself for the letter. It's gonna hurt to read it. She is definitely fully fogged up and she's built a big wall around herself to avoid dealing with her actions. Pos is providing the mortar and ensuring the wall is strong. I still hope that she will allow me to buy her share of the family home although I wouldn't be surprised if she has changed her mind just to spite me. She seems content with the childcare arrangements we have in place but refuses to let me have them more than two nights a week. I've spent the afternoon balling my eyes out and then slept for an hour. It's now time for vodka. Bank holiday in the uk tomorrow so my thoughts will be about my children, where they are and what they are doing. They had a really fulfilling two days with me and my friends and didn't want to go off with mummy. Seeing ww in my home brought back so many happy memories but although she looked the same and smelled the same, she was cold, heartless and couldn't look me in the eye. I held back the tears until she left but texted her several messages exposing my grief and disbelief in her actions. No response, of course. I'm definitely at the bottom of the rollercoaster ride. I look forward to being in a stronger place and being in the front row when her life implodes. I'll catch the kids in the fallout and build a great life with them and hopefully a new lady friend if one comes along.

[This message edited by allatsea at 1:49 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]

allatsea, you sound like a great Dad and I know you will miss your kids tomorrow, but try to focus on this;

They had a really fulfilling two days with me and my friends

You are giving those kids their 'safe place' throughout all of this - and they won't *ever* forget that.

I'm so sad that you are hurting so bad tonight - but you are right, you WILL come through this and grow strong again, and you will still have your kids love and have your integrity intact.

Try to take care of yourself now and don't beat yourself up for texting your WW - there's no need - you are the one acting normally. Expressing your heartbreak is human. She is the one acting like an unfeeling robot. I just know that one day she WILL wake up and realise what a fine man she's lost.

(((allatsea)))

{{{{hugs}}}}

It'll get better, sea. It might get worse for a little while, but it WILL get better.

You're doing a great job as a father. You're keeping them anchored and showing strength. Keep it up. On the other hand, I think you should familiarize yourself with the 180 strategy, which is available on this site. The more times you text her and tell her how bad she is, the more able she is to brand you as crazy in her mind full of lies.

You mention that your wife restricts your time with the kids to 2 days. Wow, I would off to see an attorney tomorrow about applying for at least 50% custody if not more. What a nasty controlling attitude.

I think you are afraid of provoking her anger and driving her even further away. Screw that; she's gone and you need to start fighting for your rights instead of allowing her to walk all over you. Women respect strong men and you have been Mr. Nice for far too long.

Hi Allatsea,

I'm really sorry for your loss and change in your life.

This is very familiar and sounds a whole lot like what my husband did.

I am glad you're able to move toward divorce so soon, it took me a whole year. But I didn't know about the "real deal", he just abandoned us in the middle of the night and never came back.

I have a sibling in the UK I get to visit sometimes and find it a wonderful place. I'm sorry the laws aren't based more on who did something than motherhood or fatherhood, in some ways.

My husband also met someone through a workplace and got let go very soon after, but I don't know if I'll ever get to know any details-and now don't want to, finally.

I wish you luck and hope the 180 can continue-it's very hard for me because so much is unanswered. I find if I know something, I can let it go, but the unknown things haunt me.

I filed for D and my husband is losing the house we built, but he's still thick in the fog and convinced himself that anyone who speaks against his affair is wrong.

I wish you well and much luck with your children.

It seems like they would be better with you as the more stable parent and one with a house and routine and all.

I've questioned why people who leave marriages and turn worlds upside down contemplate upsetting kids lives too, when stability is so important for them, especially in rocky times.

Email from wife regarding my text messages to her asking why?:

"I got your texts on Sunday. I want to agree as much as possible in an amicable way but emotions are still raw and communication thus far has often ended in you sending angry texts. Since I received the letter from your solicitor it rather dictates the way this now goes. I hope we can use the mediation services to come to agreement on finances.

In answer to one of your texts asking why I am doing this - for the chance of happiness. Our 'perfect family unit' worked for you but it didn't work for me. Yes, the boys had familiarity from our foursome but we could have, and should have done so much more. Life revolved around the TV for everyone and we got lost in material obsession. I wanted to make you happy and agreed to most things you wanted to do or to buy, at the expense of my own wishes, and what we should have been doing with the boys. I never felt totally relaxed when we were all at home, whereas now, I do. You think I am doing this for selfish reasons but I am doing it for the boys as well. Whatever the reasons for it, you are doing things with them that a father should with his sons. I don't expect you to agree or see my side.

I want to communicate with you, but I can't engage if you just want to get angry with me and send me endless texts."

And then my reply:

I'm bored of the 180. It doesn't matter anymore. Reconciliation is impossible

"You can use any excuse you want. It doesn’t excuse your behaviour or justify your affair or the disrespect you’ve shown me throughout the whole sorry episode.

If you weren’t happy you should have done something about it - You did nothing to change the status quo. At no point did you address your unhappiness. That was weak and is an excuse. You have destroyed the nucleus that the boys needed for your own gain. The boys are desperately sad about this and you can’t even see it. There is nothing I can do now to rectify this. You are morally bankrupt and broken. All I can do is provide the stability that the boys get when they spend time with me. DON’T EVER CLAIM THIS IS FOR THE BOYS.

You can justify all you want. You saw something, you took it with total disregard, and now you need to find an excuse to tell yourself, friends and parents. I don’t buy it. I look forward to it blowing up in your face, and it will. Your affair comprises two people of dubious morals, one who stole a wife from a family and another who willingly gave it away. What sort of man would happily fuck a man’s wife in his home, sneaking in and parking round the corner only minutes after I left? One of you will cheat again. A man who was cheating on his own girlfriend with you. A man so unprofessional that he sleeps with his staff. Poor Ellie.

Don’t think for a second that I’m trying to win you back. That ship has sailed. The best revenge is to let him have you. The saddest part is you can’t see it yet. The worst part is that you are taking my boys along for the ride.

My texts aren’t angry. Just looking for answers. The mediation services aren’t necessary, in my opinion but if you are paying, then fine. You obviously aren’t happy with the proposal I made which is why you want the mediation. I will be looking for more time with the boys.

I’m not angry. Far from it. You don’t engage - full stop. You haven’t engaged me or anyone in your feelings, opinions, ever. Hence the affair and deceit. Hence the severance letters to your friends.

Don’t ever accuse me of buying things at your expense. Total bull. You wanted the M5, the speakers, the bathroom, the caravan. More blame shifting. Demonise me all you want. It doesn’t matter anymore.

In all of our years, you have never organised a single day trip, event or holiday. I did everything. If you were so adamant that we should have done more, you should have organised something but no, you couldn’t put your phone down and focus on your children. Still can’t from what I hear.

Winters were always tough and the TV takes centre stage a lot more. It didn’t help that you had disconnected from the family since November and were completely absorbed by your ‘lustful side’ (your words not mine).The previous Summer was full of activity, exercise and holidays. What do you suggest we did in an evening once the boys were asleep? Other than email your lover in front of my very eyes?

I had no choice but to engage a solicitor. What option did I have? You’re living with the twat and you’ve taken my children. Should I have just put up with it? Oh, yes, you’re angry at me because I found out sooner than you wanted me to. You allowed me to buy a non-refundable holiday in Spain WHILST totally embroiled in a sordid affair with your manager!

The fact that your mother suggested it was my fault for finding out by snooping. She said “if only you hadn’t snooped, she might have had the affair, got it out of her system and you’d never have known. You could still be together”. What sort of family are you? And you think I’m from a broken home?!

Delusional. Totally delusional.

Obviously, you aren’t going to see my side. You won’t do until your relationship with Dick fizzles out or he leaves you for another. Just remember, you are currently shielding him from the true experience of living with children by doing all of the kiddy care and housework yourself. You then pack them off to bed as quickly as possible so that he can have you to himself. I am then having them for two days of the weekend so he isn’t seeing real life. Keep sucking and fucking and he’ll stay a bit longer"

I know this will just make matters worse but sometimes you've just got to tell them how it is, right?

[This message edited by allatsea at 8:15 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

I think I hit a nerve

I want mediation because of e-mails like this! How can we communicate about finances when you send things like this.

Always about the sex, isn't it. You need some serious help. You really are a mix of the worst parts of both your parents and you disgust me. I don't think you ever loved me. If you did, you wouldn't wish for terrible things to happen and it wouldn't be so obvious that what really gets to you has nothing to do with the boys it has to do with you losing control. Top marks for playing the victim and being so bitter and twisted like your Mum. It's never your fault, is it? You bloody well had it all and you messed it up by being selfish and lazy - you know it, but can't face up to it. Affairs happen for a reason, and I met someone better. Much better. Better for me and better for the boys. He does more with the boys than you have ever done, he does more around the house than you ever did and he does more for me. Nor does he want constant praise for anything he does do, he just gets on with it. Whereas you just refused to do anything YOU didn't want to do. You are not the victim here, you are the architect of your own misery right now. I totally understand how you need to make it all my fault - again, just like your Mum.

You blatantly use the boys to get at me and your endless questioning of them makes them sad and they don't like it. It also irritates them. The boys are sad because you sit there teary eyed in front of them and tell them manipulative things playing 'poor, lonely Daddy' in that shell of a house. You don't understand the concept of putting them first. You should be ashamed about what an absent father you really were. Being in the same building does not a father make. Your own friends' efforts with their kids should have told you how easy you had it, in comparison.

I don't need to persuade anyone about why I've done this. Those who know me realise why and are fully supportive. Eventually you will realise that hassling my parents isn't going to work. In fact it makes you look rather pathetic. I have no interest in putting my side to your parents so you should get some pride and stop contacting them. I really cannot believe you can suggest that my family home is broken, it made me laugh out loud.

As for not engaging help from others. I know how I feel and I know my own mind. I don't need pitiful blogs to help me form ideas or to look for answers. You will be seeking spiritual help next, like your Mum. You just can't handle that another man is better than you and that you no longer have control.

I really don't think you should feel any sense of moral superiority after hacking all my e-mails and facebook. That was inexcusable. As a precaution the old Samsung has been sent away for analysis because it was a University machine and my university email was accessed without my consent.

Further communication can go through the solicitors and mediation.

Wow. That was truly a *despicable* message from her designed to cause you as much pain as she could. I don't think I have ever read a more self righteous, cruel, plain nasty, or fogged message. She REALLY doesn't get it. She's in full blameshifting mode and is not ready to own ANYTHING.

To her, this is all your fault and I think she really tried to hurt you with that message. She's a completely lost cause right now.

allatsea, DISENGAGE. DETACH. **For your own sake**

You aren't going to get anything from her right now but more heartache, more pain.

I'm going to quote the only part of her message I do agree with.

Further communication can go through the solicitors and mediation.

Unless it involves the kids or is an emergency - cut off ALL communication with her. She's literally toxic right now and you need to keep as far away from her and her blameshifting as you can. I really feel for you and I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away. Please, please don't let her cruel words put you off coming here for support and comfort. It's not pitiful, it's a wonderful place full of people who understand where you are at and want to offer you support - don't let her words tarnish this place for you.

(((allatsea)))

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:26 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

According to your wife if we are married with children and someone 'better' comes along then we grab the kids and shack up with the OM, trashing our marriage at the same time. With that philosophy the divorce rate would be near 100%.

It does sound as if your marriage is definitely done from her nasty e-mail. Apparently you had faults which is just not acceptable.

You want to know how to get her back?

Stop talking to her. Don't engage her in any way, except for your sons and move on with your life. Right now she has made you public enemy number one and because you are the enemy, her relationship will blossom. They are focused on you and not on themselves and therefore that common enemy will fuel their relationship to keep going.

Once you remove YOU from the situation, they have no choice but to now look at themselves. Their fire for their relationship is you.... Disengage, detach and do not spend any more time on her. Then just sit back and watch how it all falls apart. It will not fall apart over night, it will take some time once you have removed yourself but once she longer sees you as the enemy, then her focus will turn to her lover, if he hasn't already dropped her. I am so sorry but the only path for you now is to completely leave her alone.

And when I say get her back, I mean revenge. You don't want nor need this person back in your life.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 11:32 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Thank you. I wanted fresh eyes on these emails. I truly am the enemy. In summary, she is justifying the affair because I watched tv. But never said anything. I can honestly say that I loved my old wife but this one is pure evil.

I've made friends with a lovely new lady, taking it slow, but a glimmer of happiness is appearing. He's welcome to her.

He's welcome to her.

You have turned a corner. Don't look back. NC my friend.

((((allatsea and sons))))

I think you wife made a mistake sending you that nasty e-mail. It contains a description of your faults and it appears that you committed no serious transgressions during the marriage or presumably they would have been included in the message. Essentially and tacitly, the e-mail states that you were not abusive, violent or an adulterer etc etc. Your worst sin may end up being that you didn't wash the dishes often enough.

I would produce this e-mail in court as 'proof' that at the very worst you were an ordinary father, with a few common minor faults. Could help with custody arrangements.

Your wife definitely should not have sent that message; an opinion shared by my attorney brother.

Stop engaging with her now.

Only completely necessary communication that relates to kids/finances.

That email was nothing but evil bullshit that will destroy your soul as you come to realize that she really believes the words that she's writing. You don't need to read any more of that type of stuff.

Seriously.

...say that I loved my old wife but this one is pure evil.

You loved your perception of your old wife. Before and after dday are just different facets of the same gem. The seeds of her behavior now have always been in there.

I caution about making friends (even slowly) with another woman so close to dday and D. You are not ready to be a partner to another person, and it is not fair to her or you.

They are focused on you and not on themselves and therefore that common enemy will fuel their relationship to keep going.

True!

I've made friends with a lovely new lady, taking it slow,

Attaboy! Distraction is the key to some sanity here. Be careful though, needless to say, don't take a step further without D completion.

She definitely sounds like my exW. Mine told me " I won't leave you that easily". Yours is acting on it.

Sorry to say this but, from the tone of her trash of an email, I can tell you, even if the fog lifts, there are very little chances of her coming back to you.

That should give you the power and will to look out only for yourself and the kids.