SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WW works for a university where rules are very relaxed. Affairs ARE RIFE and the HR department is afraid.

The university knows about the situation and seem OK with it. I can't imagine what will happen if WW's colleagues start thinking that she is getting special favours or treatment. I want to get the divorce sorted before she loses her job, otherwise I will have to support her!

There are people on this forum who've suffered far worse than me and have arguably seen everything that a WS can do to BS. I don't know what to feel when people say 'your wife is a piece of work' or 'get out while you can' or 'she is treating you really badly'. I mean, how lucky am I that even the (reluctant)'experts' here think she is a bitch!

[This message edited by allatsea at 7:36 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

I would definitely consult an attorney about University liability. If the University management has been informed of the affair by you and takes no action, it may be possible to prove they provided the circumstances to facilitate the relationship and the subsequent harm it caused to you and your family.

Even if the only action taken is a solicitors letter to the university, claiming liability and damage to your marriage, it may be enough to provoke alarm and disciplinarian action.

Through virtually all of the business world affairs between management and employees is grounds for dismissal. This is to avoid litigation.

About time this university suffered some embarrassment.

OK now,

I understand that your advice comes purely from a perspective of helpfulness but I don't want her to lose her job until I get divorced. I don't want to have to pay spousal support! I also have to get childcare arrangements legalised. Also, I no longer want her back and if I were to contact the university and cause trouble, the WS and POS would be even more united against me. In their twisted mind I would be preventing their happiness and everything she thinks about me would be reinforced. They are truly welcome to each other. Why should I be blamed for prematurely ending their relationship? I want her and him to end of their own accord and I want a front row seat!

Tempting though!

[This message edited by allatsea at 2:57 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Just made the mistake of re-reading all their work emails from December through to the day they moved in together. Obviously they have never experienced emotion, love, sex and orgasms like they have with each other. They wish they had met years ago and had kids with each other etc etc. All the normal things one says to a new partner at the beginning brought about by the enhanced passion by being new and illicit. How could anyone forgive this evidence and reconcile successfully? I couldn't do it.

I wish I hadn't read them but I wanted to confirm her hypocrisy when she accuses me that 'it's all about sex with me' and discovered that every single email between them is about how horny they are, thanking each other for the secret night in a hotel or how wet he makes her.

Why did I read them again? I'm such a fool.

Sounds like a relationship based on lust and sex; notice the emphasis placed on the physical aspects. What will happen when the flames die down and its no longer illicit, dangerous or exciting. What will they have but the knowledge of how their affair started; two cheaters who can't be trusted, betraying family and friends. There is no reason why they should trust one another given how their relationship started.

One day you will count yourself fortunate to have lost your wife, and there is no bigger revenge to lay on the OM than for him to take over caring for this narcissistic woman.

If passionate sex was the reason for them to betray then I'm surprised that neither of them is thinking what happens after the passion normalizes.

But again I'm trying to reason out an irrational behavior pattern.

After that what ? Search for another fling ?

Are they planning to get married after the D with you ?

Man, like my ex, your's completely axed her foot. Threw out a normal life.

Run before her passion fizzles out to becomes a regular humdrum/ daily grind.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if they married and had a child. He is only 33 and she is 37. I am pretty sure he would want a child with her and she with him. I'm trying to get out financially and emotionally before it becomes my problem.

You said:

Why did I read them again? I'm such a fool.

and

I wouldn't be at all surprised if they married and had a child. He is only 33 and she is 37. I am pretty sure he would want a child with her and she with him.

I have to say you sound *FAR* from a fool to me. You sound like a man who, even in the midst of all this heartache and pain, still can see CLEARLY. And that is why you will be the one that moves on the most successfully in the end.

Those other two, they have some realities of life coming. Whether they last together or not (anything's possible) they will still have some very HUGE realities coming to them at some stage when the passion and newness dies down.

If she does have a baby with him, especially if it's quickly (to prove their love to the world) then he's gone from nothing to three kids, a wife and all the responsibilites that we all know that involves, in a very short time frame. Who knows what will happen then? Some evenings he may even be tired out from work and just want to watch the tv huh?

allatsea, you are no fool - and here's the proof.

I'm trying to get out financially and emotionally before it becomes my problem.

You've had the rug pulled out from under your life and you're hurting - but *you* are on the road to recovery. That's more than can be said for your WW.

Keep moving forward. One step at a time. ((allatsea))

Sins,

Thanks so much. Your message coincided with getting a politely worded request by my WW asking to take the children on holiday with POS at the end of May. It set me off and I blubbered like a baby. I appreciate your words and I do believe them but I just don't want to be here. My children will be having a fun time in their new family unit for a week whilst I am at home thinking about my loss. It should be me on holiday with my children. Not him. She will ensure that his holiday is fantastic, full of sex and happy days. Life is shit

[This message edited by allatsea at 4:15 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

allatsea, I really wish there was something I could say to make this any easier - but there just isn't. This is all so very hard and heartbreaking. None of this is fair, and yes, you should be the one going on holiday with your children. I dread to think of the hurt you feel today. I wish I could find some words to ease it.

But you've just got to keep going forward - it's all you can do - and remember they are *your* children - and they love YOU - he's never going to replace you as their father.

To help right now, could you manage a holiday for you and the boys for later in the year? (If you can get the time off work?) If you can, save the planning of it for that week they are away - so that you have something to occupy your mind and to look forward to.

There's nothing to stop YOU planning a holiday of happy days just for you and your boys. Something very kid centric with lots of activities they like etc., Or if you can't book a holiday right now because you are solely paying the bills at the house, how about planning a week of (cheap or free) activities from home instead - forest walks - sea shell hunting - books for drawing or painting things - treasure hunts with maps - anything your boys like to do and call it a holiday week - even if you don't go 'away' somewhere. A week completely dedicated to the boys fun. I'm sure the kids would love it, and it will give you a lot to think about and to plan for, it might help you while they are away.

Don't let those two beat you down too far. Your time WILL come. Hard as that is for you to believe that right now, and as easy as it is for everyone else to say it, one day, you will be happy again. Keep planning for it. ((hugs))

Her request to take the children on vacation with her and the OM is out of line. The OM does not have the background to care for and look after the kids outside of his home environment. This imposes a risk for them.

I know from personal experience it takes two active and knowledgable parents to look after children in a holiday setting, far from home with quite a few potential risks present. The OM simply does not have this experience.

Also, this man is a stranger to the kids, he is not supposed to have this amount of contact at this stage; she is married to you and you are allowing her to expose the children to this guy when you know next to nothing about him? What are you thinking?

You wife is pushing you around and dominating you and all you can do is yield and give way to every unreasonable request she makes. This is ridiculous; I would be off to court to get those kids returned immediately to their family home, for their own assured safety. As for allowing her to take them on vacation with this potential pervert; you have to be joking!!

I have no power, legally, to prevent this. I have to play the long game and keep her sweet. If she can see that I am amenable to this, she is more likely to go easier on me when she gets THE NASTIEST LETTER from my lawyer next week. I need to be seen as the reasonable one with the kids best interests at heart. If I prevent this she will hate me even more and their relationship will feed off it and get stronger. I will have my turn later in the year.

Picking my battles.....

did you inquire w/ your solicitor about her and this other man taking your kids, and the legality of it? IF not then ask him.

I don't know the UK laws, but I know here that would not be allowed while in the process of D, if the other spouse opposed it.

Allatsea, I say you are doing the right thing. The quickest way for the bubble to pop to give her what she wants. Me thinks she is only asking this to stir drama and show you to be unreasonable and start a fight. Don't fight. Give her what she wants. A holiday week with children. Use that time to feel your feelings without your kids around. You do need some me to yourself.

As long as the kids aren't being harmed (which of course exposing them to infidelity is emotional abuse), let them go. The holiday won't be as fun as the kids aren't happy with the situation. They are really doing this to get at you.

You are right, your time will come. Don't give them any fuel to make their relationship stronger. Pick your battles and save the fight for divorce time. I hope you can get away from her quickly.

They are really doing this to get at you.

This is what I feel too. I mean at the pace this A is moving.

There was another post by you where she came looking the very best to your house.

But you're doing fine not expressing your pain to them . Very soon the focus will shift to themselves and then expect hell to break loose.

[This message edited by Happydays at 10:41 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

Double post deleted

[This message edited by Happydays at 10:42 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

You have to remember that your wife and the OM are going to bribe the kids and give them every thing their little hearts desire. Obviously children are very susceptible to this and the overall goal is to impress them as to how things will be much better with the OM as 'father'. Make no bones about it, your wife has no conscience about 'replacing' you as a parent. She'll do it in a heartbeat and lose no sleep over it.

Currently the OM sees the children more than you, and together with the aforementioned bribery it could pose a real conflict for the kids. Hope not, but your nasty wife is fighting a vicious war and you may get rid of her, but at what cost? The loyalty of your children?

Just be aware of what she is trying to accomplish with regards to your family. Replacing you.

Arrrggghhhh!

WW has received the letter from the lawyer, me thinks!

She's venting on Facebook. Does she not realise the hypocrisy?

STBXWW updated her status: "If you genuinely love someone, you want them to be happy, even if that is to your detriment. A nasty person who treats others as possessions will say and do anything to cause deliberate hurt to the person they purport to 'love'.That's not love. Here endeth today's lesson."

So in her mind I must be happy for her? I never loved her because I'm not happy for her?

A nasty person who treats others as possessions will say and do anything to cause deliberate hurt to the person they purport to 'love'.That's not love

She just described her own behaviour.

Wow, she really is deep in the fog! Why do they think we should be "happy" for them after they have shit all over our lives and our children? You are doing the right thing; there is no reasoning with this woman.

As to the holiday with the OM, while I can't imagine how bad this is hurting you, traveling with kids is not always fun. If this "wonder guy" does not have children, I think he will be surprised at how much fun a family vacation can be. All the fighting, crying, whining and she is going to be trying to keep everything all "special" for the toad. You know what they say about the best laid plans....