Hi Abbondad. I will admit I have not followed everything from all your posts, but I've read enough to be tempted to give you a few of my thoughts.
Firstly, I'm also in FL, and my suggestion is to file, like yesterday. We were also going to be all civil about it, but that changes very quickly when they realize they are not running the show, they do not have their hooks in us, and we will not be bowing down to all their wishes. But why should they think we would be any different since we have been bowing down and begging them from day one to save the marriage? We were constantly plan B, and they cannot stand the thought of not having us as a backup any longer. This is where they go from confusing and somewhat remorseful to batshit crazy, threatening, angry, bargaining, and blameshifting. Do not expect her niceness to last very long when she realizes you are no longer putting up with her bullshit. This is why you get so much advice to get some things in writing while they are still feeling guilty, because I promise that will all change.
Perhaps this doesn't help, but I do have protection in place in the form of administrative orders, but my STBX STILL breaks the rules. It's just now I have some legal recourse, which you will not have until you file.
For the co-dependency thing, I've had a thought I would like to share. Perhaps not all would agree with me, but I think I could have been a 400-pound, drug addicted, abusive, gambling psycho, but that DOES NOT give him the right to cheat on me. It certainly gives him the right to LEAVE ME, but it DOES NOT EVER give him the right to lie to me, betray my trust, use and abuse me, and cheat on me. I sometimes get the feeling that you think if you could have been different, if you could have handled things differently, if you could just say or do the right thing, WW would wake the hell up and come running back to you, but you have to remember the affair has NOTHING to do with you. These are her issues and her brokenness, and you can't fix her. She has to want it, and at this point, it does not sound like she does. I get the feeling you want her to validate you in some way, to have her see how awesome you are and what she is missing, but you DO NOT need this from her. Perhaps you have issues that you would like to work on. I agree that books and IC would help you deal with your CO-D issues and not let them affect your future relationships (Co-Dependent No More was a great book for me), but please stop trying to get your validation from her. She is only making you feel worse about yourself. To me, this is what detachment is all about, realizing her words and actions should not dictate how you feel about yourself. Please only discuss kids and finances with her (which is even a challenge in my case as FuckTard likes to push any button he can, and the only button he has left is the kids since I refuse any other contact). This woman DOES NOT deserve your emotions on the situation any more. I would say to stop asking her questions about her feelings, about the other man, about anything other than kids and finances. If she ever wants you back (which I highly doubt she will ever be sincere in this), she will be volunteering this information without prompting. Please go completely NO CONTACT with this woman immediately. This is not to hurt her. It is to help you heal.
And I want you to really picture what you will be dealing with if she does come around saying she wants you back. Take a peek in reconciliation and see what it really takes to build a strong healthy marriage after infidelity. Unless you are prepared to rugsweep and take all the blame for her affair, you will have questions she will need to answer a thousand times, she needs to have no contact with this OM and any other men you deem not friends of the marriage, you will have to watch her like a hawk, you will need updates of where she is at all times, she will need to give up all passwords (and you will have to believe there are not secret Facebook accounts, emails, drop phones, etc.) All of these things are required to reconcile a marriage, and she's not even ready to break off communication with this guy..
You do not even have a remorseful spouse, but even if you did, think of what you would have to go through! Perhaps in the future you will get an ego boost by hearing her say that she finally realizes how awesome you are and what an idiot she has been, but hopefully by that time you will have realized that by yourself and have come to the point where you don't need her validation anymore and that you deserve better than her!!
As far as the children go, just to share my experience, my STBX and I agreed to try to tell the children together, which never happened. This was before I realized he had been bringing the children around the OW and her child for over a year and having them lie to me about it (telling them, "Don't tell mom, I'll tell mom, she will be mad if you talk about it"). He now always has the OW and her kid there on his time, calling her a "friend" to them. (Too bad he's cheating on her with another woman, but that's a different thread).
While I think a family talk is a good idea in some situations, in my situation, there is no co-parenting with STBX. It's called parallel parenting, meaning he does his thing, and I do mine. I do not think you need to focus on being a co-parent with this woman. While I agree it is ideal, it is not always possible, and I suggest you look up parallel parenting in case you need it.
I have explained to the children in age-appropriate terms what has happened, and I constantly reinforce to them that mom is always here for them, will always love them, and that I will always tell them the truth about anything they want to know. Your wife's relationship with the children is NOT your problem. You obviously can't badmouth her, but your focus should be on showing them as much love as you can and constantly being their soft place to land when they need comfort. The kids is the most difficult part of this whole ordeal for me. I'm in IC, and my children have been in IC for a few months now. I'm seriously trying to parent with an idiot who thinks the children are fine about everything. When he's pissed at me, he is the classic example of using the kids as pawns, sending messages through the children, trying to change visitation through them, telling them I'm evil and a liar and I can't be trusted, the list goes on and on. I am currently working with my a lawyer on what can be done about these issues, but it is more frustration than I can tolerate sometimes. I hope to God this will not be the case in your situation, but please be prepared for her craziness to start showing up in all forms when you stand up for yourself, including when it comes to the kids. When you have detached enough and she can no longer push your buttons, be prepared for her to hurt you any way she can think of, which might start including the kids.
Unfortunately, I think the kids will have feelings that this is their fault and that they did something wrong, and they need to be constantly reminded that this is not the case. After all the fights my older son has unfortunately witnessed, he still asked me last night if there is a small chance my WH and I will get back together and not go through with the divorce. I had to remind him again that daddy hurt mommy, and mommy doesn't have to put up with it. I also told my son that if he hurts people, they do not have to put up with him; and if people hurt him, he doesn't have to put up with them. I deserve better, and my children do too, and I can only hope that my actions are setting a good example for him.
I will apologize if I have rambled too much and brought too many of my own issues into this discussion, but I wanted to share my experiences and let you know you are not alone, you are amazing, and you will be just fine. Dealing with an unremorseful spouse is hell on Earth, but you will make it through. Lots and lots of hugs to you.
