SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think people may be jealous that you're getting so much attention.

Yes, we're all vying for the coveted Miss Delusional Fuck-up Homewrecker tiara.

Wayward Side isn't about making friends. This is the ER. We'll cut your $200 7 For All Mankind jeans off if it means saving your life.

OP is perfectly capable of defending herself. Nobody drove her away, and unless/until she comes back, bantering amongst ourselves is fruitless gossip.

There is a difference between liking drama and feeding off of it. I would be willing to bet that SS17 is accurate in saying that she doesn't like this drama.

Hi SS17

I get a sense from your posts that you tend to be rather manipulative.

I don't think you get off on the drama per se. I believe it's more about control of the drama.

I'm sorry that you all seem to feel I've become the drama queen of SI. So I'll just back off.

As soon as the drama is out of your control because the players aren't sticking to their assigned roles, you don't like the drama anymore and move on to the next 'plan' to stay in control.

Aubrie made the 'mistake' of not sticking the script

I "get" there are issues. I "get" that the villain is trying to ruin everyone's life. However all that aside, where are *you*?

Do you want to change this aspect of your personality?

RE: Damage-- Just put on some good music and zone out for a while. All is not lost. Things have a way of working out eventually.

No need to run from the scary voices/opinions on SI. I'm all about standing these days. Be open. Embrace the differences. Be confident in who you are while staying open to things that challenge you.

I'm confident you can heal!

I personally think there was nothing wrong with what Aubrie asked. Everyone who is a remorseful WW knows that this is a ton of internal work as much as it is with working to help heal our spouses. I have not seen one post where SS17 has asked for help or advice on internal work. It's so important to do this! Pointing this out does not make Aubrie the bad guy, it actually shows her concern.

SS17-

There have been several times that I've felt I've needed to step away and the last time, I posted about it. I'm glad I did. I was able to see different views from many posters. Why not ask for help if you need it rather than running away. It may help to start a new thread that covers the topic of what you currently need help with to get away from the undying responses that seem to not help or ask a mod to close the subject of it's too much. It's ok to do that!

SS17 , when you mentioned in this thread about stepping back, I hope you can take a step back and look at why you responded that way. Find your boundaries. If it makes you feel uncomfortable or doesn't represent you, don't run away from it. You can say what you feel. I encourage you to be open with your emotions rather than just posting about just your day to day events all the time.

Don't give up on yourself. You deserve a better you. Don't run away when it gets tough. You'll find yourself grateful that you did the hard work and changed your repeating pattern.

Still cheering you on,

Wdig

I haven't gone anywhere, just needed a break. I can't control anything. What you all think, what BH thinks or does. I have no control over what xAP does or did. I can't control how or what my kids feel or say. The only thing I can control is me.

I'm sorry that my posting appears to be drama, manipulation or what ever you feel or think it is.

In the past have I lied, manipulated, coerced my BH? Without a doubt. I readily admit I disrespected him, used his good nature and affection for me against him. I had done that to him from day one. When I wasn't "happy" I made excuses to be mean, when he would defend himself, I would cry and whine he was being mean. It always worked and he backed off so would I and things would be great for awhile. Then I would start it all over again.

That is the past. I've ruined everything with my stupid attitude and games. I never expected he could really love me and I always was "testing" him. I needed to know how far I could go before he stopped loving me.

Well I've pushed too far. Seems I finally got my wish and now I know. He now cares for me but I'm fairly certain the love isn't there. I don't know why, my IC says it is something from when I was young, but we haven't found the cause

Hi SS,

Good for you in recognizing the need to step away but coming back.

There are some very wise people here...Aubrie being one of them. They'll continue to help because they do care.

I hope you continue to stick around. You'll be glad you did.

Welcome back.

There was a police officer shot and killed the other day.BH was devastated and destroyed the garage, walls,doors and he left some blood.

BH has been very busy and of course our issues have been (as they should be) placed on the back burner for now. BH is refusing any help from me and my family. Several spouses and other families have been taking food and drinks to the local stations and to the officers family. We have as well, but BH will not see me or the kids. He talks with us on the phone, but will not see us in person and told me to not attend any of the services or funeral. I did see him from a distance yesterday and he looked so tired.

Right now I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I want to help him, but I can't. He will not allow it. I know him and I know what he is doing. He has entered his soldier/cop mode. He is doing what he thinks needs to be done and will not stop until ordered to or he feels everyone is safe. But I worry about him, is he eating, drinking enough or sleeping. I also know he isn't the only one acting this way. It is what so many of them do. I'm scared, not for me or the marriage, but for him. He is the strongest person I've ever known, but everyone has a breaking point. He has suffered so much in his life, he needs some relief.

I realize that our situation just seems to keep getting worse. Just when it seems we have moved past an issue or in this case tragic incident, there is another one right behind it. That is completely my fault. If I hadn't made the decisions and choices I did, we wouldn't be where we are today. I would have the right to be standing next to him and holding him. I would be able to stand in front of him and ask him what he needed from me. I would be able to tell him that I love him. Now it just seems needy and selfish.

I'm sorry for all of that. I promised myself that I wouldn't post every little thing we were dealing with. But I know BH is going to be MIA for awhile and I thought you all should know why.

I am sorry to hear that, my condolences to everyone. Thank you for letting us know!

How are you feeling/doing?

How are the kids feeling/doing regarding the absence of SWAT? I just wanted to point out that even if they seem ok, they might not be. When I was younger, I often tried to put on a brave face because I didn't want to further burden my parents, even though I desperately needed them. So make sure your children get plenty of attention, care and love from you and your family. Make sure you mention this to their therapist/counsellor, so he/she knows to adjust the treatment.

Best wishes!

It's NOT your fault that BH is choosing to "suffer" through this alone. It sounds as though you were/are available to him-- that's enough. He could have invited you to join him for support, but he chose not to. Please don't *punish* yourself.

Best of luck in your healing!

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 9:24 AM, September 7th (Sunday)]

My greater concern is that he is shutting out everyone, not just you. This is not healthy. Friends and family are important support systems. He needs to learn to accept that support. It doesn't have to be from you per se, but he does need help. He deal with these things alone.

SS,

Unfortunately SWAT's feelings for you have changed and there is nothing you can do or fix about it. It is something he has to work through on his own.

Focus on working on your issues and helping the kids deal with all the drama at home. That is the only thing you can do that will help him. And that is the most important thing you can do for him.

It is not your job to save him. He doesn't need saving. He has to work this out on his own.

Keep working on you.

k9

How are you feeling/doing?

I'm doing alright. Sort of, okay maybe not. It changes every minute. I hate that I'm angry because of this. What happened is every cops spouse worse nightmare. I've lived with this fear for a long time. Now seeing it up close, I'm angry he is choosing to do this job. I'm scared, What if it is my door they are knocking on next? The phone calls he was hurt just about killed me. I feel useless because there really is nothing I can do. But it is him, 100% to the core. What makes him do the job, is what makes him who he is and I do love him.

The kids are alright to. They understand he was busy at work. DD understands more than the boys. Swat had been in contact with them by phone since he left. He is home now and after pizza and a movie, they are all sleeping on the couch. He promised to take them to brunch after church in the morning. The kids therapist already knows and has called to see how they were doing.

My greater concern is that he is shutting out everyone, not just you. This is not healthy. Friends and family are important support systems. He needs to learn to accept that support. It doesn't have to be from you per se, but he does need help. He deal with these things alone.

I agree 100%. However due to our current situation he isn't willing to seek or allow my support or from anyone in our family. This current situation he is trained for, I know he will be alright.

But when it is over and everyone else's lives go back to normal, he won't forget. He never forgets these things. It will be another tattoo and a name on his calendar.

Unfortunately SWAT's feelings for you have changed and there is nothing you can do or fix about it. It is something he has to work through on his own.

Focus on working on your issues and helping the kids deal with all the drama at home. That is the only thing you can do that will help him. And that is the most important thing you can do for him.

Yeah, I know. Consequences of my actions. I'm working on me everyday. The kids are getting better too. I hope he sees it, not for our marriage, though I want to save it. He has lost all respect for me, I believe he still loves me and will stay but he doesn't respect me anymore. That hurts just as badly. Respect has to be earned and I'm working at it. Love can only get you so far. I don't want half a marriage. I don't want him staying because he feels he has to or for the kids. I want him to stay because he trusts me and wants to stay married. This isn't gonna happen anytime soon, I know that. But I do hope he sees that I have changed. I understand it could take a very long time and there are going to be mistakes, but that is what they will be. Mistakes not choices.

I'm not an expert, but it sounds like PTSD...all that anger in the garage. He's overwhelemed with hurt from betrayal (from you, from AP, recently from your family....and now I wonder if he is angry at God for all of the above PLUS the death of a colleague).

He is carrying the world on his shoulders and not asking for, or allowing, help.

Will he be seeing IC soon? I'm worried for him.

I'm not an expert, but it sounds like PTSD...all that anger in the garage. He's overwhelemed with hurt from betrayal (from you, from AP, recently from your family....and now I wonder if he is angry at God for all of the above PLUS the death of a colleague).

He is carrying the world on his shoulders and not asking for, or allowing, help.

Will he be seeing IC soon? I'm worried for him.

He hasn't missed a session with his IC since he got sick last time. He is angry at the world right now. He has every right to be and most of the anger is my fault. He gave me a letter this morning. That letter was pretty painful to read. Reading the pain he is in, what my family and I have said and done to him. He wrote a lot of things I never knew about and looking back, I should have seen them. But I was too wrapped up in me to notice. How does that happen? When we were dating it was all about us. Then DD and marriage, still really good and we are working together. When and why did I allow it to change? Because I did allow it. I slipped back into playing childish games and attention seeking.

My IC thinks that I have some self esteem issues from childhood. Never smart, pretty or funny enough. Being the baby I was coddled and sheltered too much. Everyone protected me and wouldn't allow me to learn some lessons on my own. IC also believes I resent some things about Swat. I can admit I did a little. I once posted he was "perfect" and I was called on it. I brushed that aside then because I was in panic mode. In no way am I blaming him for this. But I did resent his generosity. He is always giving to others. Giving his time, support even money. Sometimes at the expense of time with the family. I did resent him doing such a dangerous job. That is more my fear of losing him. I resented the fact he was so well liked, and I was just his wife. I was an accessory, not a good place for someone who liked to be the center of attention. Again nothing he said or did. Things I came up with, but never had the guts to talk to him about. I invited so many other people into "our" marriage and not once asked or talked with him about it.

The little man and I are sick today. So if that makes no sense, I'm blaming the germs.

Thanks for the update. I hope the illness has passed.

Have you talked to the counsellor or thought about DD picking up your behaviour patterns vis-a-vis SWAT/in general? If I remember correctly, you said that you noticed that her manipulative tactics reminded you of yourself?

I know now this is not your priority, but perhaps it's a place to start to lower the odds of your DD trying to manipulate SWAT by acting distant etc. I imagine that at this moment he needs all the love he can get from his kids. Have you talked to the counsellor how to make sure the kids are a source of love and not of stress for him at the moment?

I hope my message doesn't come across wrongly, it's meant with the best of intentions.

Best wishes

ditto to what Hobbes said.

You're going to be re-setting your old habits for quite some time. It took a long time to hone your techniques, it's a lot of work, I'm sure, to look deeply into yourself. But you keep doing it. No matter how painful, you are working so hard to change yourself. You may not be all the way there yet, but I certainly notice how self-aware you are becoming.

With Swat, he's truly travelling on the roller-coaster that follows a d-day. He does sound like a wonderful man. Nobody is perfect though, so don't get messed up in comparing how good he is versus how bad you are. Just keep working on yourself. Swat emotions are all over the place. And sometimes he is very aware of how hard you are working on yourself, and he's proud of that. Other times, not so much. Pretty normal recovery under extraordinarily non-normal situation.

So I log onto Facebook this morning. Something I don't do often and I hadn't been on in three weeks. Ten friend requests from men I knew in high school and later in life. I've got messages from people I "knew" and were Facebook friends with. Requests for coffee dates, bar dates, you name it. "I'm gorgeous, my husband is a fool, when is the divorce gonna happen?, do I want no string or a relationship?" Just a few of the quotes. I only replied that I'm married and not interested. But I'm livid. I'm taking every picture I have off the internet. I know they never go away, but there will be no pictures of me on any social media ever again. And another thing, why does everyone have to be so "suggestive"? I USED Facebook for lots of things mainly sharing organic gardening tips, mothering sights and some environmental things. I had lots of pictures. Me, the kids, dogs, horses and BH. While I never posted many of him, or mentioned him, they are still there. He always said to keep him off social media, "It's a career killer for cops" and "I don't like those things, they just cause people problems". I'm closing my Facebook account along with all my other social media.

I know BH has seen them. He hasn't mentioned them but he has all my passwords. I'm not hiding them and we will discuss this in a little while. I never mentioned my affair any where on the internet, except for here and one other relationship sight. Seems everyone really does know.

I realize you didn't use FB for your A(?), but with this type of *interaction* wouldn't it be better to shut it down?

Why leave an avenue of approach open?

Why do you talk to other men about dates and what going on between you and your husband ?

Look where it got you the last time, don't repete the same mistake sosorry

[This message edited by sazart4 at 12:41 PM, September 11th (Thursday)]

I'm livid

Why? I'm not questioning your anger, it's completely valid and understandable. Feelings are created by thoughts. What thoughts are behind the anger? I ask because analyzing and owning our feelings is critical to the WS recovery process.