SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

william,

It varies and there is no real pattern. Probably 50/50, he will stay and let me comfort and talk with him versus his leaving angry and working out. But in the past it was no where near 50/50, so I'll take it. His demeanor even when angry has mellowed, and it doesn't seem directed at me. Or at least that is how it feels.

Everyday seems to get a little better. Or rather everyday things are a little clearer.

* I know he can leave at any time and it isn't my choice. It is a consequence of my actions.

* Everyday I thank god he is still here and is willing to give me another chance.

* I look at my kids and see three really good children who love us both. But I have also seen some of the damage I caused to them.

* I'm painfully honest with everyone. There are no secrets.

* I have let go of some fears because they were toxic to us. Swat is never going to intentionally hurt me. He will always remember this pain and he could never put someone through this.

That is just some of the things I recite every morning. Sometimes other thoughts but they are the most common.

Sorry if that is jumbled and doesn't make sense. Swat is sleeping for a while and we are going to the tattoo artists (bh friend and his wife, they do all his ink) at noon. I'm a little nervous, the design is pretty big and its gonna hurt. But it is a small price to pay if it makes Swat happy and the more I think about it it will make me happy to. Its symbolic as a design and it will "erase" (cover) what causes Swat immense pain, but it will still be there, partly visible to me as a reminder of how horrible one person really can be to another. Swat will be getting two tattoos. The mirror to mine, just smaller and "forgiveness with love" and my name on his wrist. He "jokes" that he needs more ink to cover how ugly he is now, he says that when talking about his scars. Well I need some ink to cover my ugly too. Mine just isn't scars.

Wow:

The mirror to mine, just smaller and "forgiveness with love" and my name on his wrist

That is seriously cool. You both earned it.

His demeanor even when angry has mellowed, and it doesn't seem directed at me. Or at least that is how it feels.

That would be the last of your defensiveness dissipating. Good work!

Wow...this freaking hurts, but two more days and it will be done. The artist (the wife) was very gentle, but my pain tolerance is wimpy and she had to stop a few times.

I've gotten tattoos before, two hours for the largest one. This is gonna be close to 10-12 hours. I never really understood why Swat did it, it can be very painful. But today I think I understand. His have meaning, they are a memorial to his friends, his family and country. He said once that he never wanted to forget those he lost.

The artist and her husband know Swat fairly well and have been a part of his circle of friends. I have known them for years. I'm ashamed to admit I was kind of dismissive of them. I'm not sure why other than maybe they just looked too rough and maybe intimidating. They have tattoos everywhere and they are very visible. But she was really nice, and doubles as a therapist. We talked for almost the entire time.

Today, I really looked at her. Past the black and purple hair, piercings and tattoos. She is a huge Swat fan and let me know it. She isn't beautiful or pretty, she is stunning. Body, face, eyes everything is stunning. I should be jealous right? She knows a lot about MY husband. Nope, she gently reminded me of who Swat really is and you could see how she feels about her husband.

I feel so stupid for how I thought about them before. They are people I want to see again and hopefully be friends with.

Look who's learning so much! :)

She's stunning, she likes Swat a lot, and still she is not a threat to you. Not everybody is a threat.

Actually in the case of Swat, NOBODY is a threat, as he will not cheat on you. And, you are getting that. A big step.

Sorry the tat hurts so much. I'm not into tats myself (though one son has a few, and my daughter has one...fortunately only visible if she was wearing a bikini). It's a mariner's compass...she loves the sea.

You are growing. And I think that "sometimes" you actually are aware of that. You're not finished, and you will take steps backwards sometimes but your hard work is showing.

I've not seen anybody on this site who has had to do SO much work...and even when it felt like the pain could be no more (because of AP's antics), you shook in your boots, then you pulled those boots up and walked.

I want you two to make it. Lots of people here are wishing the same. You've been very public with your sharing. That is not always a good thing...but I think in your case it was very good. You had flawed thinking. You were called out on that. When you screwed up, you were told.

Amazing. You deserve to be proud of yourself. I'll bet Swat is proud of you too, even when he's sent whirling into anger/sadness, he comes back and remembers it is not you.

Now, your kiddies, that's another roller coaster ride, and less controlled by you. Tough love and counselling and age appropriate explanations, again and again will be needed. I feel for the kids. It's a shame when they find out.

But, remember, in the long run, when your kids look back at this year they will remember that no matter how hard it seemed to be for you two, you stayed together (assuming that's the case down the road). Kids don't have perfect parents, no kids do. Keep loving on them.

I found out earlier today that xAP has been arrested again. This time it is a felony charge and it has something to do with Swat. I don't know what exactly as he hasn't been around much today.

While I was cleaning I found his gun safe open, inside I also found three large envelopes with only some dates on them. I probably shouldn't have but I looked. I had never seen the envelopes before and I was worried. They were filled with several hundred pages of printed texts, emails and photos. All sent to Swat from xAP, started on dday and the last one was two days ago. I had no idea it was that bad. Again, I probably shouldn't have but I started reading some. I had to stop it was so bad. It starts with "love and soul mates" ends with "I'm a whore, only good for f'ing, pretty but stupid, not marriage or mother material but good in bed." Some of it was blatant lies, but it just goes on and on. It was all to hurt and belittle Swat and it just didn't stop.

I feel so dirty and worthless right now. I don't care what xAP's opinion is and I know it was early, shortly after dday and Swat was hurting badly, but reading some of his replies made me sick. Because for a short time at least Swat agreed with that assessment of me. I think those envelopes where Swat's evidence and ammunition for the divorce, so I put them back and closed the safe. I could have taken them and destroyed it but I won't be that person.

I know that right now Swat doesn't feel that way. He loves me and shows me just how much everyday. Swat hasn't given up on me and I will not give up either.

Just feeling down for yet another way I have hurt Swat.

(((SS17)))

This situation has just been awful for everybody.

Just know that the words you saw from SWAT came from a place of hurt.

Can you get into contact with SWAT and make sure he's okay? Make sure this guy didn't assault him or something?

I probably shouldn't have but I looked.

Hmm. This is tricky. I'm not really sure if he meant to keep these hidden from you or not. The gun safe seems like an odd place to have these so I'm guessing these were meant to be hidden.

I think you have a trust building opportunity here by exercising some radical honesty and just come forward to SWAT and mention that you saw the envelope, read some of the contents, and apologize for bringing this crazy man into your lives.

Might wait for someone else to 2nd this thought though...

SS17,

I would tell him. If you are going to live an honest life with him, there is no need to hide the fact that you looked into the safe. He may be angry but at least he will know that you are being honest with him and not hiding anything. Once you start hiding things again, you start down a very slippery slope. Please don't undo all of the hard work that you have been doing on your relationship. Honesty is hard. Honesty is sometimes painful but it is the only way to have a solid relationship. The bright side to being honest is that you won't have to work hard to keep the lies straight.

I'm glad the dumbass xAP got himself arrested. The sooner he is out of your lives the better.

Best of luck to you both!

Oh, yes, I would DEFINITELY tell him that you saw those papers. Maybe he'll be upset, maybe he won't, but the important thing is that you're being honest and keeping no more secrets.

BH with similar dday to yours.

I agree with this:

I think you have a trust building opportunity here by exercising some radical honesty and just come forward to SWAT and mention that you saw the envelope, read some of the contents, and apologize for bringing this crazy man into your lives.

This really is an opportunity. Slip-ups (like reading things that you maybe shouldn't have) are expected. SWAT knows you are human. Lies, even lies of omission (like failing to disclose what you saw) are MUCH worse than slipups.

This is a chance to add a chit to the credibility and trust bucket. It is also an opportunity (by lying) to dump the bucket out and be hoping and praying for yet another chance to start filling it again.

I have talked to Swat on the phone and he is fine. He did say that xAP has been charged with stalking, criminal mischief and reckless endangerment (I think that is what he said) all felonies. I have no idea what happened and Swat isn't talking about it and likely won't say anything about it either.

I didn't plan on hiding the fact I read that stuff. I will tell him when he gets home. If he ever gets back he's been gone almost 24 hours now.

and apologize for bringing this crazy man into your lives.

No one knows how sorry I really am. I'm not sure there is any apology that can make this better. Its scary to think that xAP had me fooled. He was a "friend" to all of us for so long. I knew he could be a liar and manipulator and that is why my brother stopped being his friend. But in my screwed up mind, I was better at it than him. We could talk and get my "drama and ego fix". I lost complete control of it and myself. When Swat got hurt, I'm sure he knew or strongly suspected the affair. Just not the details. I had so many chances to confess. I saw how xAP and Swat were acting. For almost a year I was watching the train wreck that was now my marriage unfolding in front of me. I buried my head in the sand and did nothing. Dday and after I lied, manipulated and did all sorts of stuff completely wrong. I did notice that xAP had literally gone nuts and I was really afraid he would hurt someone. Yet I still meet up with him one last time. How does one apologize for that? Is there any way to make ammends? Rhetorical questions, but just thinking of everything that has happened because of my choices and god forbid what could have happened.

All you can do is what you have been doing, which is making sure you work on yourself and let SWAT know you love him and are fighting for him.

You must know by know how desperately SWAT wants you to succeed. The more you can show your honesty - and this is an opportunity for that - and the more you can prove you will be there when things get tough - the more you will know how much you mean to him.

SWAT deserves honesty and someone who will never give on him no matter what. Over the last month you are showing you can give what he deserves.

Be proud of yourself.

I do hope that these latest charges get him put away for some time. But, seems to me that this idiot, when released, could become a problem again. He is off the wall nuts.

SoSorry, you know what is scary about him (over and above the obvious)...he was a policeman. He held people's lives in his hands in times of crisis. That's a lot of power. When in the hands of a person with integrity (Swat) then things go as well as they can. With the wrong person, one who craves the power, one who feels omnipotent because of it, can do a lot of hurt to people. Thank God he is no longer potentially able to do that to the public any longer.

I know first hand what can go wrong when the wrong police person(s) arrive at your door. Many years ago my husband had just gone on anti-depressants. It is known that before they kick in fully, a depressed person may become suicidal. This happened to him. He drank a lot then took a lot of pills. I called 911. They misunderstood and thought it was a domestic dispute. I promise it wasn't. Not sure how they got that impression. BUT, they sent the police ahead of the ambulance I called for. They rushed into the garage where my husband sat in his car, motor running, hoping to kill himself that way. They had their flap jackets on. They were very aggressive. I told them he needed an ambulance. They arrested him and threw him in the drunk tank.

About a year later, and a ton of legal bills, the matter was thrown out.

I was so scared of policemen after that. Never have had to call police before (except when I witnessed things on the street, maybe 2x in my 62 years of life). I did not know if I had an emergency whether to trust a 911 call. I hated the police after that...for many years.

Since then, over time, and watching good police saving lives and helping people in trouble. I've calmed down. But if you put me one on one with the instigator of all that went wrong in 1998 to me I'd give him a real earful.

He was a bad cop. And bad cops don't admit mistakes. They cover up....and their police friends often stand behind them.

I wish it was somebody like Swat who had arrived at my door that awful night.

SoSorry, how's the self work going? Are you in IC? Where are you at on fixing the internal issues?

You have a ton going on. Yet underlying all of the drama is the sense that you are somehow enjoying all this. You love attention and drama. You're a self proclaimed Drama Queen. It always has to be about you. I'm sure if you had it your way, all of this would happen without SWAT suffering so much, but this is the way it has to be. You have two men and an online community fussing over you. I feel you get off on that. It's a continuation of the past. Only since you aren't cheating, it's a "healthy" alternative. I believe the Drama Queen in you drives you to update about the fluff and chaos, while excluding or ignoring the very important self work.

I "get" there are issues. I "get" that the villain is trying to ruin everyone's life. However all that aside, where are *you*?

Aubrie - I don't see that at all.

Aubrie, I think that is unfair. I think where SoSorry17 "is" and the progress she has made is evident in the evolution of her posts.

Aubrie, while I agree that it would be great to hear some more about what topics has she been addressing in her IC etc., I don't see the lack of it as a sign that she's somehow enjoying all of this.

I find it hard to believe that she would enjoy hearing her daughter saying that she hates SWAT etc.

In general I agree with lots of your posts that I read, but in this case, I disagree, at least until/if I see some other signs of her actions pointing toward her enjoying the drama.

Best wishes as always, SS

Have to say, I get the same vibe as Aubrie.

To each their own. All that matters is what SWAT thinks and sees every day when it comes to SS17. He's mentioned more than once that he can see her effort and see the positive changes. I just don't see SS17 as someone who would get kibbles from seeing her DD tell her father she hates him.