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I'm so sorry ((((TG))))

What gonna said.

Being all in, to me, means taking care that you don't hurt the other spouse.. Sure you are, but is he? Where's the vigilance?

I thank for sharing this incident, particularly from my wayward self as I need to always check in with myself to see if I am making, daily, the right choices.

It is probably scary to some to read. But indicative that recovery isn't smooth sailing...

He knows that he started off his new job a year ago with very hardcore boundaries and somehow ended up here. He isn't sure how. I am not sure how.

I am just so devastated and sad.

Blakesteele, that is the second time in a week you have brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your post.

he started off his new job a year ago with very hardcore boundaries

IIRC, and just to keep you honest......I'm not sure that this is a true statement.

very hardcore boundaries and somehow ended up here.

I agree with Gonna, how does he define boundaries? I also agree with her earlier post, he talked a good game. Blinded by overconfidence?

He isn't sure how. I am not sure how.

Gently, it's his job to find out, while you can help, it's not on your shoulders.

Strength

He knows that he started off his new job a year ago with very hardcore boundaries and somehow ended up here. He isn't sure how.

Usually, it happens when you decide to move a boundary a little, so he has to figure out when and why that happened. I don't know why he's not here, but I wanted to let both of you know that we (and I think I DO speak for most of us when I say this) want to see your M succeed, we want to see you overcome and heal from this, so I DO hope he'll decide to come back.

You are right gonna. We had the incident at the very beginning of the job that set me back.

His boundaries at the beginning were good. I knew there was going to be trouble though when I realized that his entire dept was women. That is not a good environment for him. Too tempting for him to engage in an unhealthy way. And that is what he did. I picked out the one that was going to be the problem early on, and I was right. Amazing how you can pick out the ones with no boundaries.

Right now he is saying he is not coming on here. I don't know how much of an issue to make it. He has already left messages for IC appts. So that is good.

TIKY,

I just had that conversation with him. How he moved that line little by little, and look where he is now.

Right now he is saying he is not coming on here. I don't know how much of an issue to make it. He has already left messages for IC appts. So that is good.

Okay. You can't make him do anything, we can't make him do anything. Just know that we're here in support of your recovery and please pass that along to him, since he won't be here to read it.

he moved that line little by little, and look where he is now.

It's usually that way, but that doesn't make it any less difficult to watch, when it happens. Since he's not going to be here, it makes the most sense to turn the focus back to supporting you. How are you feeling tonight?

Right now he is saying he is not coming on here. I don't know how much of an issue to make it

I am sure that he is not proud of himself right now. He was quite the mentor before he stopped posting and it has to be a huge *kick in the pants* for the mentor to come back and say "I fucked up." But, really, isn't that humility defined?

I'd be inclined to insist that he come back here, though, maybe with an agreement that you won't read his posts.

Calling around to IC's is a *good* step on his part, but there are so many people here that *know* and truly care about you guys. Imo, I think he needs to come here and answer to the likes of MJ, Aub, and the others.

His boundaries at the beginning were good

God, I feel like a shit, but....keeping you honest, NO they weren't.

And now I'm going to add to my shittiness because something is really bothering me about your situation. Are you more prone to *overlook* HL's boundary-breach because this person is leaving the company? What if the g2g was just a random dinner and you heard about HL's behavior.....would you be so willing to 'work through it' if you didn't know that the target wasn't leaving?

I just can't stop thinking that the universe has smacked you in the face. If she hadn't been leaving and having the going-away party...you would have been *in the dark* about this.

Oh she isn't leaving the company gonna, she is just leaving the dept, and just to add to the fun, HL just interviewed to move to the dept that she just moved to. However, he will be a few pay grades above her so apparently the chances of them being near each other are small. According to them. I guess we will see.

He was including me in everything when he first started there. When I started noticing the big problem was when he started teasing her and he wouldn't quit when I asked. I realized that he was paying attention to her, a little red flag went off, I ignored it. I have been asking him to go back to IC for about 7-8 months. He wouldn't go. Another red flag ignored. He has had some old behaviors, when I brought them up he pinned them on me, another red flag ignored.

So yes, I was letting a lot of stuff go. However I was keeping it all in the back of my head knowing that something was brewing. What happened I guess didn't surprise me as much as it makes me sad. I couldn't change it, you can't force someone to do things. He has the choice now to change or I will leave. He has to stay in IC until this is fixed. I got him numbers from my IC months and months ago. He has had them, he called them today. My IC asks about it all the time. I told her it wasn't my job to force him to go. And it wasn't. Yesterday, I told him he had a choice, go or I leave.

He is still processing the fact that he has done this. I think he is having a really hard time with it. That is why I haven't been able to get a read on him.

Do you think there's more he's not telling you or do you think you caught it before it went too far? I don't love that he's posting for a job in her new area. That's a no go in my book.

What's HL saying about all this?

HL just interviewed to move to the dept that she just moved to.

Huh. That seems way too coincidental.

He has had some old behaviors, when I brought them up he pinned them on me. I was letting a lot of stuff go.

This isn't *like* you. You are very good at recognizing what is *your* shit and what isn't because you have done a shit-ton of work on yourself. What made it ok with you to let a "lot of stuff go?" Was it the "I'm *in* and we can work through anything so long as no more physical cheating occurs"? Did you anticipate, when you made that bargain, that he would keep pushing the boundaries?

I think he is having a really hard time with it.

Well, too bad so sad. Consequences for bad behavior suck.

I believe this whole thing got blown up by what was said at the party. Do I think that he had a clue that he was sliding down that slope again? No.

He isn't saying a lot. He is still processing this.

I am not sure how I feel about the job either now.

Do I think that he had a clue that he was sliding down that slope again? No.

Well that sucks and is extremely disheartening.....

I've been sitting here for a couple of hours just staring at the words and unsure of what to say or maybe just how to say what I'm thinking. I've had problems properly articulating what I mean in the past, and I'm trying not to repeat that and also trying not to put too much of our situation into this- and it's difficult because the situations are strikingly similar.

This isn't *like* you. You are very good at recognizing what is *your* shit and what isn't because you have done a shit-ton of work on yourself. What made it ok with you to let a "lot of stuff go?" Was it the "I'm *in* and we can work through anything so long as no more physical cheating occurs"? Did you anticipate, when you made that bargain, that he would keep pushing the boundaries?

It was only about two months ago that I went all in with him. This has been going on for the past 7-8 months. Every time I brought up what I was seeing and asked for him to get to IC, I got the he was stressed from the new job, and doing a master's program, and couldn't add another thing. I got that it was me seeing things.

I have been working hard on me since we moved, and I have had some real serious health issues. It became a thing of me not taking care of his side of the fence anymore. If he fucked up bad enough I knew I would leave. I was hoping he would hold off long enough to finish school and then I could push him harder to get into IC. He finishes next month.

I am confident that this thing with this chick was not emotional, not physical. It was more a weird type of validation that he has learned how to get. He says they have never had any type of inappropriate email contact or texting. I believe it at this point. I don't get that vibe from the whole thing.

Even if you don't get a vibe that he was engaged in an EMA manner, there is some deliberate behavior on his part that is being written off.

You noticed him engaging in behavior with her that made you uncomfortable. You asked him to back off. He didn't.

He knows what the slope looks like, and you pointed it out to him. He deliberately chose to continue what really really really sounds like flirting.

Do I think that he had a clue that he was sliding down that slope again? No.

I disagree, but I know how scary that is to face. In your shoes, girl.

I am confident that this thing with this chick was not emotional, not physical.

That really doesn't jive with

he wouldn't quit when I asked

He's getting enough from the relationship that your needs(wants/desires) are being placed secondary to him maintaining the relationship.

she is just leaving the dept, and just to add to the fun, HL just interviewed to move to the dept that she just moved to.

That is a huge red flag when looked at in conjunction with your stated level of discomfort with their relationship. Did he give your concerns any thought when he applied for the transfer?

The other women were joking around that now that she is leaving who is he going to harass and tease and make laugh now that she is gone. It was said more than once

Evidently, others see a relationship also.

(((TG)))

I've been holding off commenting because I come off as being very harsh, and I'm afraid my opinions will not disappoint anyone. Just remember-they're my opinions.

Anyone, including HL, who says they 'dont't know how they got to this point' is full of shit. When you cross a line, break a promise, whatever, you know exactly how and why you're doing it--because you want to. There is nothing unconscious about it.

Your letting his movable boundaries slide--that's bargaining with yourself:

If I let this go, we won't argue.

If I let this go, I can use it as a bargaining chip later.

If I let this go, (insert your reasoning)

I really boils down to your not wanting to let go; not wanting to hold his feet to the fire for fear that your world will explode--but yet, it did. So, you slid your boundaries along with HL. I'm NOT saying you got what you deserved by any means. I'm saying that this should not be a surprise to you. Even your loved ones will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

Moving forward from this point will not be easy. Hell, moving forward AT this point is probably inadvisable, but at some point you are going to have to make a decision. I just wish I could give you a big hug. You deserve better.