SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Jimmy. I'll keep saying it until you hear it. You need an Indivdual Counselor just for you that has an expertise in infidelity. You need to work through these questions on your own with that therapist.

And your wife needs her own IC to work through why she did this and how to help you work through it.

Jimmy, here's another person telling you that you need individual counseling. You and your wife both need individual counselors - preferably counselors who specialise in infidelity. You need help to get through this, and she needs help to tell you why she chose to do it. OM is not a part of this process.

I am up-and-down like a yo-yo. But I've came to a conclusion. I love everything about my wife, except her old boy toy! There is so so so so much good and so little bad. I have to make this work out.

I have to make this work out.

No. You both have to (try to) make this work out. Your wife should be doing much more than writing lists, swearing on kids lives and trying to be nice.

She needs to be in individual counseling working out why she chose to do this (OM did not make her do anything). She should be being proactive. She should be researching infidelity and how to help her partner heal from it, she should be buying and reading books about infidelity and recovering from it, she should be looking for individual counselors to find out why she did it, and, imo, she should be proactively booking a poly. Is she doing any of those things?

I have to make this work out.

No. You both have to (try to) make this work out. Your wife should be doing much more than writing lists, swearing on kids lives and trying to be nice.

She needs to be in individual counseling working out why she chose to do this (OM did not make her do anything). She should be being proactive. She should be researching infidelity and how to help her partner heal from it, she should be buying and reading books about infidelity and recovering from it, she should be looking for individual counselors to find out why she did it, and, imo, she should be proactively booking a poly. Is she doing any of those things?

I think that if you and your wife has had a great life and marriage for the last 20 years then it appears to me that she has done the work to make to make a good marriage. True it is 20 years ago for her but today for you. She has carried a dark secret for 20 years. That could not have been easy knowing that if you had discovered what had taken place then her world would have blown up and fallen apart. A line from a movie I saw; "Stay with her for the many things she has done right and don't leave because of the one thing she did wrong." You are retired. You and her take a long vacation together and try out some hysterical bonding. I do wish you well.

I need to clear up a few things about my wife for you guys. First of all she never swore on our grandchildren's lives. That was my idea. I wanted her to write up a few facts that she had told me and I told her at the bottom I wanted her to swear on our grandchildren's lives and sign it. That was a huge deal for me to ask and I know it was a huge deal for her to sign such a thing. Those words have never came out of her mouth, ever. She has been very, very remorseful. She wants to help, but neither of us know how. We have been to one counseling session as a pair. The only thing we did in that session was tell our story. She wants to help me in anyway she can, she wants to be fully transparent, she's willing to take classes, do whatever it takes to help me, to help us. She has been reading online, and on this site nonstop for weeks, trying to find someway that she can help. Everyone says we both need counseling, but we do not even know what that means or what it will be. Once I referred to him as her lover, she was so hurt, so remorseful, it really tore her up I could see it all over her. I was sitting in a chair, she came and kneeled in front of me, put her hands on my knees and told me, he was not her lover, he was never her lover, she said she had sex with him, but there was never any love from either one of them, she told me that I was her lover, and only I was her lover, she loved me only. If I'm having a bad moment, which is pretty often, or if she sees me crying, she always runs up and hugs me and tells me she is so so sorry. She said that if there's anyway she could go back she would and not have done it. I know her, she's truly sorry. And she's going to do anything she can to fix this. She has a lot of relief that this is finally off of her chest. Apparently this is been really weighing on her for the past 20 years. I don't know if I told you guys before but I gave her a beautiful gold and diamond cross, and she would never wear it. I just thought maybe she did not like it or it was a little gaudy. She told me that she knows that she is going to Hell, and she could certainly not wear such a beautiful cross, so she never wore it. She is a good girl, she just got a wild hair!

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 7:55 AM, August 27th (Sunday)]

As I said in an earlier post, your marriage is one that can truly benefit from counseling.

You two can make it.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:35 AM, August 27th (Sunday)]

Everyone says we both need counseling, but we do not even know what that means or what it will be.

Jimmy. You need your own therapist to work through this pain you are feeling. Maybe the joint counselor can recommend someone. Or your health insurance company. I'd start by googling infidelity therapists in your town.

While having someone work with you jointly is good to help with the conversation between you two, you each need individual sessions without each other to work thru your individual issues without the pressure of each other being there.

You need it to work through your pain and the steps you need to take to accept what she has done, that is, if you truly want to continue the marriage.

She needs it herself to work thru the pain of hurting the person she's supposed to love the most in the world, she needs to do that on her own. And she needs to figure out how she was able to let this happen; what inside her let her go beyond her vows.

Jimmy, you are conflicted. As you say she's been a wonderful wife for 35 years. But it's impossible for the human brain to comprehend how someone who has been your one and only for that length of time could pursue and open up herself sexually to someone else while supposedly loving you.

You need help sorting that thru in your mind. If you don't, you will explode someday and neither of you want that. So get a therapist with expertise in infidelity. Start meeting with them biweekly at first. Then after a month or 2 go to weekly. Then maybe after 6 months go to once or twice a month. Something like that. Don't rush it. It could take over a year.

She needs something similar.

It's ok to want to stay with her. Its ok to still be in love with her. It's not ok to rug sweep what she has done and just wing it.

You wouldn't try to just put a bandaid on a knife wound to the chest without going to the Drs in the emergency room and then months of recovery help. This is the same thing but emotionally. What she did can cause just as much trauma. Please get it treated.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:37 PM, August 27th (Sunday)]

I agree, 100 percent.

She told me that she knows that she is going to Hell,

Well, I don't know what Christian denomination you guys are, or if you are even Christian, and personally I'm an agnostic-atheist, but Jesus (and most religions that are worth our time) teach forgiveness. Remember Jesus and the 'sinful' woman who repented.

If she really regrets what she did, feels remorseful and is willing to make reparations, she'd go to Heaven. It's the core of Christianity, and despite me being a cynical asshole, nothing beats the message of love that comes with remorse and redemption. At its core, this is what saves the marriages hurt by infidelity.

Hi Jimmy.

She told me that she knows that she is going to Hell,

I get that, still. Even now. And my wife cheated om me more than 30 years ago. Like you I also only just found out recently.

We did not go to therapy and maybe that's why I still struggle so much. But I received great advice here on SI. I posted a bit but I read a lot. That has helped me.

I understand your hurt. I also understand about trying to be loving with your wife and yet cringing, dying inside just knowing she did those same things with another. Even so long afterwards.

Stevsn responded

But it's impossible for the human brain to comprehend how someone who has been your one and only for that length of time could pursue and open up herself sexually to someone else while supposedly loving you.

This is true. From what I have read, it is that your brain cannot have two opposing thoughts about the same thing. Like your loving, adoring wife - and her cheating on you.

I am still learning to accept that and get over my anger.

Good luck. Please keep posting.

You must follow the advice of Stevesn.

It is not possible to get over that sort of pain successfully without professional help. Do not rug sweep this.

Your wife, the one who should have your back, betrayed you horribly with malice aforethought. It is not something you can deal with by your own rationalisations. It really isn't.

Jimmy - if your wife is so wonderful and you are so committed to her that you'll make excuses, blame yourself, and rugsweep her fucking other men then why do you keep posting here? Ok, it's been a week so maybe you've realized it's ridicules to post how much your wife's cheating hurts and then say she's the best and you'll never leave her in the same sentence. But if you aren't going to validate any of the advice you are getting here than I don't understand why you keep this going.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 3:59 PM, September 2nd (Saturday)]

Jimmy - if your wife is so wonderful and you are so committed to her that you'll make excuses, blame yourself, and rugsweep her fucking other men then why do you keep posting here? Ok, it's been a week so maybe you've realized it's ridicules to post how much your wife's cheating hurts and then say she's the best and you'll never leave her in the same sentence. But if you aren't going to validate any of the advice you are getting here than I don't understand why you keep this going.

Great point!!! Why keep this going?

EDIT: My saying, why keep this going? I was referring to the relationship with WW, not that OP should stop posting. I misunderstood the quote I agreed with.

[This message edited by longforgotten at 12:26 PM, September 3rd (Sunday)]

Jimmy,

Please do keep posting. The action of posting will help you get your thoughts in order, and the contradictions you are feeling are 100% typical of the clashing emotions many of us go through in the aftermath of discovery.

How many people are 100% in a single place mentally after discovery? The reason why anyone comes here is because they are trying to work something out, deal with something, or just let something out that perhaps they are not able to tell anyone in their real lives.

So please continue to post.

You are working through this, and that is what this place is for.

EXACTLY what M1965 said. Keep posting.

Hey man just wanted to say that i am sorry for your loss and disappointment. Hope you find healing.

You're not leaving your wife, so get counseling. If you don't, the scumbag

will continue to rent space in your head.

A good counselor is needed now more than ever. Don't let posom rule your life, even from a distance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QaOPSX5-xM