SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just an update from last night... there was no car in the driveway. If there had been I would have used my garage door opener and went in to interrupt what was going on like I've had to do a couple times before. I've never caught him in the act of doing anything but the thought of another woman being where I'm supposed to be sickens me and I still see the vision of them when I'm there. I prayed the whole way there that I wouldn't find anything, so thankfully it went how I hoped.

I really don't understand his mentality, but I do know that he has some sort of addiction. Before me he was married for 20 years(he's 11 years older than me) and she controlled his every move and I think he went a little over the edge in experiencing things that he'd lacked for so long. I don't know how to reel him back in and sometimes feel like it's not possible because he's got used to that lifestyle.

I do know that I love him and I feel like he loves me most of the time but at other times I feel so alone. Even though we're not married I've vowed to support him and stand by his side. I'm not one to break my promises. I've invested so much love, time and energy into our relationship. I know it's only been 2 years, which in the scope of things isn't a long amount of time but I've given my heart to this man. I can't explain the connection I feel to him but when things are good they are amazing. On the other hand when he strays from our relationship it hurts so bad I'd rather be hit by a semi.

@OP initial post

Its like the IRS is ASKING if you would prefer a tax audit every year for LIFE. Uh no.

[This message edited by NewDayforDad at 10:20 AM, September 21st (Thursday)]

Until you get tired of being hit by the semi, I don't think anything anyone says here will help you. You're dead set on staying with a man who openly cheats on you and letting your daughters remain attached to him.

You need some kind of sense of self preservation, and set an example for your daughters on how NOT to be abused by some man. You've vowed to support him? What has he vowed to you? Anything at all? Or does he just get to do what he wants and you put up with it for as long as he'll have you?

It's been so amazing that he's cheated on you too? How much of your 2 years together has that been going on? How much of that time has been spent with you being suspicious, checking places etc? With all due respect, you are a young woman and a two year relationship that has seen you being treated like a constant plan B is no great romance. It's not.

Sure you have your good times but that seems to be all you are focusing on. You need to stop. You need to take off the rose colored glasses and see him and your relationship for what it truly is. For you it is love. For him it is convenient.

Start doing some serious reading on narcisissm. Learn about the phases of a relationship with a narc. Their MO when it comes to being in a relationship, and the different phases involved. I believe you will find it as fascinating as I have and that you will find yourself nodding in agreement with much of what you're going to read.

((((hugs)))) ❤️

Askingwhy, does this man live with you? Who's house, are you dependent on him supporting you?

I see Freeme asked the same question.

I've invested so much love, time and energy into our relationship.

In Texas Hold'm poker, I've bet a lot of money only to realize as the cards are turned, that my hand won't win. At that point, you quit throwing away your money and fold.

Honestly, Askingwhy, ( and respectfully) you sound naive. You're in love with a man riding up on a unicorn in the land of rainbow skittles. That land only exists in your mind, and so does that man. It's time you step back about 50 yards and look at the big picture.

Pretend you are us, a concerned internet stranger that has been through this and start reading you thread from the beginning, objectively.

What advice would you give this troubled women? What do you think is really going on and how can you get her out of infidelity. And be honest.

Look from the outside in, not from the inside out where you are blinded by "love".

Deal with rational facts and possibilities.

Maybe you made a mistake and chose the wrong guy. You are trying your best to convince yourself that is not a possibility, but it is.

[This message edited by twisted at 12:23 PM, September 21st (Thursday)]

He doesn't love you. That's not love.

That's manipulation. It can mask love.

Have you looked up the definition of a narcissist? Having the nerve to ask for a one sided relationship, making you feel like you can't do better than a cheating man... NOT LOVE.

Love requires respect and cheating does not demonstrate respect.

really don't understand his mentality, but I do know that he has some sort of addiction. Before me he was married for 20 years(he's 11 years older than me) and she controlled his every move and I think he went a little over the edge in experiencing things that he'd lacked for so long. I don't know how to reel him back in and sometimes feel like it's not possible because he's got used to that lifestyle.

Or maybe he was a Rat Bastard with his first wife, too, and she ended up trying to control his every move in an attempt to make their marriage work?

Maybe she was trying to control his every move to turn him into a decent human being?

He isn't doing what he's doing now as a reaction to what his wife did or didn't go. He's being himself, the person he's always been.

And you are the perfect soulmate for him because you will justify, argue, defend and explain his every move to make it all right.

Someday I'll tell you the story about the time I went to my DH(at the time)'s boss after he got fired from his job and told him it was all my fault, that I'd been a nag and that's why DH misbehaved and if he'd give DH his job back, I'd leave town so everyone else could go back to normal.

So when I write things here on S.I., it comes from a place inside myself that I remember well and am trying to share with others to they can avoid some of the pain that life is handing them and maybe do a better job of it than I did at the time. And that's the case for every single poster here.

You are making the biggest mistake of your life. And the rest of us are sitting here watching the train wreck coming and we're trying to do whatever we can to prevent you from it. You might think you're different from us but you aren't. And your situation isn't special at all. We could all tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end.

I've probably gone too far with this but I'm so bothered by your situation and what it's going to do to your children, I'm going to go ahead and hit "submit message."

AskingWhy my ex cheerfully told me each and every single time he fucked someone else despite the fact that we were supposed to be monogamous. Despite the fact that he beat the hell out of me for wrong numbers calling because my phone number was literally one digit different from the local newspaper. We got a lot of wrong number calls and he accused me of cheating.

It was more than soul killing. When I finally left, I eventually ended up having a nervous breakdown from all the emotional and physical abuse.

You are still young. There are a lot of great men out there who will be worthy of your love and the love of your children. This manchild is not it.

So basically you feel like you have already invested 2 years of your life with this person so you will continue to invest more time and more energy in a relationship where you are getting diminishing returns.

You admit he has cheated in the past and you've even caught him. Yet you have given your word you will be with him and you keep your word.

You've given your word, but he hasn't given his. He's 11 years older. You've been in a relationship for 2 years and you still live in separate houses even though he sleeps at yours 5 nights a week. He wants a one sided open relationship.

Does this make any sense to you?

k9

When I do my taxes and get done.... I don't ask to do other people's taxes because I invested so much time and energy. To me taxes are painful.

And just as a question for ya... do you think he tells these other chick's that you are controlling?

Before me he was married for 20 years(he's 11 years older than me) and she controlled his every move

Not trying to be harsh, but how do you know the statement above is true?

Even if true, that does not give him the "right" to treat you this way. Think long, and hard about what you want for yourself and children.

Cyber hugs to you ((Askingwhy))

Even though we're not married I've vowed to support him and stand by his side. I'm not one to break my promises.

Not one to break promises? How much more abuse are you willing to take in the name of not breaking a promise? How much more horrible behavior do you want your children to witness in the name of not breaking a promise?

I've invested so much love, time and energy into our relationship. I know it's only been 2 years, which in the scope of things isn't a long amount of time but I've given my heart to this man

You are very young and have a lot of life ahead of you. I know you are scared of being alone. I know that the fear of an uncertain future is helping to keep you stuck. But listen to us all - there is still time for you to extricate yourself fairly unscathed. It is not going to get easier the more time and energy you sink into this miserable relationship. Now is the time to protect yourself and your precious children. Deeper investment = Deeper pain.

I'm sorry... maybe I'm confused... you promised to let this man abuse you and you stick by your promises? Did I just read that correctly?

you need to get out of this relasionship ASAP !!

Honey, gently, it's like you are the other woman. When you are convenient, and he wants you, you are there for the taking.

Cheaters lie. This guy seems like a doozy. I'd bet that he was just as much an asshole to his wife as he is to you. A leopard cannot change its spots. I agree with another poster, maybe his ex was controlling because he wanted an open relationship with her.

As far as last night goes, how do you know he was even home? How do you know that he didn't bring someone into his place using his own car? How do you know someone didn't pick him up and his car was left in the driveway?

Are you able to get yourself into counseling to figure out why you would allow yourself to be abused by this guy? Also figure out why you would not protect your daughters from him, and why you would continue to justify his despicable actions. It sounds as though you have no self-esteem or were previously abused, and you are latching onto the first guy that comes along who gives you a minute's attention. I don't think you really understand how to live in a healthy relationship.

My guess is that his new plan involves not telling you when he is "dating" because he feels it hurts you too much. So, back to cheating...

^^^^THIS

And your promise to your children is paramount to whatever you've vowed to him. I fear you are making excuses to stay because you fear being alone. PLEASE see an IC. For your kids if not yourself.

Before me he was married for 20 years(he's 11 years older than me) and she controlled his every move

Not trying to be harsh, but how do you know the statement above is true?

That is an extremely excellent point. My ex has made me out to be this evil awful person to his family and his subsequent girlfriends. His family that knows me and has been supportive of me over the years know differently and have pretty much written him off. His girlfriends end up contacting me for moral support when they realize that he is an abusive, cheating liar.

I have a child with him whom he abandoned but likes to make himself look like the victim in this scenario because apparently I'm supposed to just pull information out of my ass in regards to where he is living and how to contact him instead of him giving me that information like he is court-ordered to do. So FTG. I know the truth. His mother, stepdad, and sister know the truth. My daughter, now 20, also knows the truth simply by his actions or lack thereof. And his girlfriends eventually find out as well.

Hi Askingwhy. I have good friends in poly relationships that make it work and seem happy. It takes a great deal of emotional maturity, honesty and extreme care and consideration for your primary partner to pull this off. What you have is not like that. It's not a poly-amorous open relationship. Those relationships look much differently from this.

What you have is abuse and neglect. You do deserve better. Alone is better than this. Alone is healthier than this. I hope that you can make yourself and your children your priorities and find enough self-love to not settle for whatever he dishes out.

So to answer some of your questions... my boyfriend and I do not live together, but we are together 5-6 days out of the week.

My bad, I missed this part.

That makes this easy. Bail out! Fold! Punt!

Why in the world would you want to be with a guy that would think that would be an acceptable arrangement.

I've invested so much love, time and energy into our relationship.

Too much! Cut your losses and mark it up to experience. This is a no brainer.

[This message edited by twisted at 2:51 PM, September 21st (Thursday)]

You are making the biggest mistake of your life. And the rest of us are sitting here watching the train wreck coming and we're trying to do whatever we can to prevent you from it. You might think you're different from us but you aren't. And your situation isn't special at all. We could all tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end.

THIS /\/\