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I think you handled the counseling appointment well. You told the truth. That is the best thing you can do. It shows your WW where you are and where you feel that she is also.

Aside from that I'm curious what kind of reaction the counselor was expecting from you. As you said, she is feeling guilt from her bad decisions and maybe the full realization of what a terrible person she had been for your marriage. That is probably difficult for a person to really see in themselves. Were you supposed to comfort her and tell her it's OK? I wonder what the counselor says to her about it. Is the counselor trying to help her fix herself or make her feel better?

As Marz said, focusing on your healing. Do what is best for you.

Skins Her and her therapist want you to feel guilt for getting justice? Fuck both of them and the horse they rode in on. Do yourself a favor, and live single. Period. Do not give your wife a moment of consideration. Go out and have a great time with women that do not have to get butt fucked at work and then come home and ignore you. I am a vindictive son of a bitch and what was done to you is fucking unforgivable. I don't give a flying fuck how she feels now. Oh boo hoo hoo, I wanted him, and now that its over, I want you. Fuck off bitch!!!! For four years she did not give a shit about you, and was willing to take it up the ass to keep him happy. So now that she has given you sloppy seconds, and make no mistake that is what you got. Know what would make complete sense. You finding a new prettier, smarter and richer girl, and you D your ex Wife, and marry and have a great life. She can stick a coke can up her ass if she is lonely.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 2:32 PM, March 5th (Monday)]

Looks like I'll be going back to never having sex again. I just started liking it again....

I don't just think I'll be able to find another woman. I have no social life, no friends and no hobbies that involved people at all. My life is completely isolated and I don't know how to start "dating" or whatever. I must sound pathetic.

As awesome as it sounds to find a younger, more attractive better morally aligned person who is sexually free I just don't think I'll be able to find that for me. It's hard to be optimistic when all you see is shit.

Crazymixedupkid, tell us how you really feel

Just kidding... all valid points and certainly a 2x4 to make skins think a bit on what he expects from this outcome.

But back to skins... make sure you are protected legally and financially during this separation. I don't know what the laws are in your state, or how legally binding you plan to make your separation agreement. But you don't want her to run up debt that you would be liable for, spend joint assets on who knows what, etc.

You can file for divorce... and let her know that it's to start the process to disentangle you two financially, and to take those issues off the table during separation. You are always free to withdraw the divorce petition, or go through with it but then try to R post-divorce. All options.

I just want you to make sure you are protected if the separation turns into a D (which, unfortunately, is where I imagine most of these situations end up).

I live in Florida so there is no legal separation agreement necessary or any type of mandatory separation that needs to occur before D. The agreement is just for us to sort out assets, responsibilities and any sort of communication/relationship we want to continue during the time.

skins, sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate.

Sounds like it is time for you to start looking at hobbies. It really is easier to meet people than you think. All you have to do is start trying.

Skins

Just get yourself out there. Use dating apps. I have clients just like you. Their SO's cheated, and they felt or were made to feel worthless. Your STBX traded sex, and has little idea how to conduct herself. She has even less of an idea how to be a wife. I suggest that you get on a few dating sites and meet people. You need to start going out and getting together with people who share interests with you. The last thing you need is another wife like you had who trades sex for everything and anything. My sincerest wish is for you to find someone who will make up for the despicable way your ex wife treated you. May she come to the realization that she destroyed her life and there is no way back.

Skins21, the last thing you need to do is join a bunch of dating sites. You aren't in a healthy enough mindset for that at this point. Focus on getting healthy, start socializing, and decide if you really want to R or not instead of inviting others into the dysfunction you are currently living in.

Honestly I think she's already come to that conclusion. I've seen her break twice in the last week and read some things she wrote. "skins is her last /only chance at having a family", "I lost my dream home", "no one will ever want me now"

Still selfish thoughts but she's finally realizing the lifelong consequences of her selfish actions. I tell her she should just go back to him. I'm sure he would leave his nasty wife and 3 kids for her.

She cries every time I say that. Do I say it to be mean, maybe but I just think if he was worth throwing her entire future away for then she should at least go back to when I'm gone. She hates him now and realizes all they ways she was manipulated and used. She just craves those fake compliments and couldn't stop herself.

I honestly think our M could be saved because I think she will make some changes and I know that she is still in love with me. I just don't feel that same way about her anymore.

I suck at meeting people. I'm the complete opposite of my brother. He has a large social network of hundreds of people (works as a bartender) and has sex with hundreds of women. We're just wired differently. He's your typical Alpha male who's very physical and hits on every chick he meets.

I just don't feel that same way about her anymore.

Okay, so why not get a divorce then? Separating for 6 months won't help anything if you don't feel the same way about her.

Okay, so why not get a divorce then?

That's probably the path we're on. This is the last ditch effort. We tried working on things together but we are both too broken at the moment. We both need to fix ourselves before we can attempt to rebuild the relationship. It's divorce practice I guess. I'm never getting married again so I guess I'm reluctant to give up on it. Maybe it's just a fools errand or stupid to still hold out hope of someone actually changing for the better after something so devastating.

Ok, but why try if you don't feel the same about her? If you still loved her, then I could see giving things a chance. However, if that ship has sailed, it's just a waste of time.

Ok, but why try if you don't feel the same about her?

Maybe the time away will help me see things differently. Maybe she will change for the better and my feelings will change. Right now things are still too toxic and she's my biggest trigger.

I'm starting IC this week and I hope that will help me mentally too. Getting out of the situation and having someone to talk to instead of her will help me move on one way or the other. I just need to change my perspective and see things from a distance instead of being stuck in the muck all the time.

Crazymixedupkid, you have a PM.

For your social life and developing hobbies/ friends, etc - go to www.meetup.com to see activities of every kind that are local to you. You can then check on additional info for ones that seem more interesting than others.

Do this for you - take that first step towards happiness.

I started IC this weekend for the first time ever. It wasn't as scary as I thought it was. It seems like she is nice and will be an advocate for me and my new life. All I told her I wanted to get out of IC was to learn how to be happy again to stop feeling the way I do all the time.

She said that no matter what else I get from therapy I will at least not feel this way forever and life will get better and we will come up with a plan. Just hearing her say those things made me feel somewhat better.

I started looking for a place to live and should be out of the house house in a few weeks. I just hate how my life turned out but maybe there is a glimmer of hope of escaping this never ending sadness.

Everyone seems to think I'll be just fine and will move on to enjoy a better life. Why can't I believe that or see it? I just see my life as shitty and over without any plans for the future other than more depression and loneliness.

I think that you will find that you were experiencing a pressure situation when you are under the same roof as her. Once you are on your own, the constant feeling of having to account for your feelings and the push that she is desiring reconciliation, actually translates to anxiety for you. That should dissipate on separation. Then you need to concentrate on you. Meditate, exercise, and DO FOR YOU. Make yourself the best version of you that you can. Work on your people skills, learn something new, take classes, everything and anything to salve the bleeding wound she inflicted. In the meantime, let her know that she needs to work on herself, discover what hole in her soul made her make you into something less a husband, more an inconvenience to her. My last hope is that your wife's AP develop a painful penis cancer, that is not caught until his dick falls off, and he discovers it metastasized into his legs hips and spine. Just because I am an asshole.

Thanks Crazymixedupkid, I've never lived "on my own" so maybe I have some fear of the unknown. Financially I know I'm OK but emotionally is where I struggle. This whole situation just makes me feel worthless sometimes, like I wasn't good enough in so many ways.

I will look for new hobbies and get the help I need in counseling. I'm still fixated on revenge somewhat but if we get a divorce then I'll be able to let that go too. I hope the Karma bus runs him over and destroys his life though!

Sir

You are a mensch. Most men would have never even considered trying again. A divorce will free you, and just because I am a total asshole, I hope once separated, you meet the woman of your dreams, and you fall in love and have a child. So that your ex can see you walking down the street happy with a baby carriage. Then she will understand completely what she gave up for a few squirts of semen up her ass. May she get old and very very fat, and flatulent.

Separate, break off contact, if it is meant to go on then you will find each other again one year, 5 years down the road who knows, if not you are better off.

The transition to a single life can be scary but you will get used to it and will probably enjoy the freedom and independence it provides.

Just because your are single doesn't mean you have to be alone, in the beauty of internet, dating seems to be much easier , plus pick out those things you always wanted to do or places to go and do it. Explore yourself, better yourself, broaden your horizons as they say.