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The crazy stops when you say it does, and not until then. Only you can decide when you've had enough. TT is a relationship killer, and a clear sign she is not remorseful.

If you insist on staying on the crazy train, tell her to write out a complete timeline of all A details and that you will have her submit to a polygraph afterward to see if it actually is everything. Her response will speak volumes.

Or, stop the crazy train now if you have finally had enough.

You are trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. Your WW simply does not have the emotional maturity to be the partner you want. She's just not marriage material and probably never will be.

Cut bait.

TT

It hurts too much dude

She is telling you after a year.

I think you should leave instead of keep

Hurting like this.

The crazy stops when you say it does, and not until then. Only you can decide when you've had enough. TT is a relationship killer, and a clear sign she is not remorseful.

I agree with phoenix

Is the timeline idea a waste of time? What should be included in it? I doubt she will remember every sexual encounter considering it's in the hundreds.

Everyone is probably right. She is the only friend I have(had) right now so I'll be really lonely and I've never been on my own before. I guess that's just a new phase of life I'll have to adjust to. I just wish it didn't have to end this way...

have her do the timeline, and then take the poly on the timeline.

Did she ever get tested for stds?

Is the timeline idea a waste of time? What should be included in it? I doubt she will remember every sexual encounter considering it's in the hundreds.

It is not a waste of time IF you want to stay on the merry-go-round with this 12 month lease idea. It should include EVERY.SINGLE.DETAIL. If she truly doesn't remember, then she will have no problem backing that up with a poly. This exercise is not so much to get more information. Rather, it is to determine if she is truly remorseful and the TT ends. Her REACTION is what will really speak to you. However, if she agrees, don't fail to follow thru on the poly (which she may count on you backing down from if you've been given all the deets in the timeline, at least according to her).

My personal opinion is to cut and run because she is not showing an ounce of remorse based on what you have provided. But if you feel you need to leave no stone unturned before you walk away, then this is what I would do before that decision is made. You may get details in that timeline that will change your mind about sticking around for 12 more months of this emotional torture.

And we all understand the feeling of seeing a marriage end. No one WANTS that to happen, but at some point your emotional well-being must come first. You will survive and thrive. I promise. But the road is long and bumpy with no short cuts, and it starts with the first step.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:12 PM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

She is the only friend I have(had) right now so I'll be really lonely and I've never been on my own before.

Newsflash: she is not your friend.

A friend doesn't treat a friend the way she treats you.

Everyone is probably right. She is the only friend I have(had) right now so I'll be really lonely and I've never been on my own before. I guess that's just a new phase of life I'll have to adjust to. I just wish it didn't have to end this way...

Do you have coworkers? Relatives? Neighbors? Time for you to make some friends. If she's anything like a lot of cheaters, she's done things to isolate you from your friends and family. And you will naturally have a hard time making a good decision about your life when you are so isolated from the rest of the world.

What can you do to make some friends? Take a class? Volunteer somewhere? Take up a hobby?

Do you have coworkers? Relatives? Neighbors? Time for you to make some friends. If she's anything like a lot of cheaters, she's done things to isolate you from your friends and family. And you will naturally have a hard time making a good decision about your life when you are so isolated from the rest of the world.

The only friends I had growing up are back in CT. All my college friends are in different states. I haven't made any friends in FL since I moved here 12 years ago. I do have my mom, 2 brothers and a cousin that live a few hours away.

What can you do to make some friends? Take a class? Volunteer somewhere? Take up a hobby?

I started volunteering last month but no one else works in the building when I'm there. I do plan on going back to school after the house sells so maybe that would be a good place to start. I need to start golfing again but my mind is so fucked up still I can't consistently hit the ball.

I started volunteering last month but no one else works in the building when I'm there. I do plan on going back to school after the house sells so maybe that would be a good place to start.

Yes you will make new friends

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:36 AM, January 26th (Friday)]

I read the first four pages of this, then had to run off to a basketball game, so am coming back hours later. If I'm remembering the right thread, you are not interested in IC, though are reading, correct? If so, I highly recommend the book "The Science of Happily Ever After." I usually recommend this book to newly single people who are dating (I do NOT recommend that you date yet) but I know when I read it, I learned so much about my WXH's behaviors. I truly believe that had this book been around in 1998, I never would have dated/married him, and had I read this while trying to decide whether to R or D, I would have filed for D immediately instead of waiting a month.

Here are two passages that particularly struck me, so I wrote them down in my book of things to read and remember when his hoovering was threatening to make me give him another chance at our marriage:

People don't really change, but they can become more aware of how they typically respond to situations and can push themselves to alter their natural responses...When choosing a romantic partner, what you see is what you get. Forever. Why would you go into a marriage relying only upon a partner's willingness to manage their negative traits, rather than choose someone from the start who gives your relationship the best chance of success?

Similar to you, I didn't have any real former romantic partners before WXH. He was my college sweetheart and we married young. He was the only guy I'd slept with and I thought he was my soulmate. Because he's a sociopath and can't interact with others, he wound up being my only friend, as I'd learned that if I had friends, he made life unpleasant for me. I thought I was happy at the time, though looking back I wasn't.

It's hard to divorce, even when you're divorcing someone who is not a good partner for you. Everything you've known is upended. I'd never even gone grocery shopping alone!

In my case, I was single for about 4 years after D-Day. I did a lot on online dating, but luckily never got involved seriously with any of those guys (as I was still broken from my divorce so they would have been a disaster.) During that time, I went from no friends to dozens of real friends and hundreds of acquaintances. I frequently have plans every night of the week, with different people. I am happier beyond anything I could have imagined with WXH. Happier than anything I could have imagined during those first two years after divorce. I love myself now. I bought my dream home. I got a new job, a new certification for work, and have skyrocketed my career. And about 2.5 years ago, I met the man who is now my boyfriend. He is quite possibly the kindest man I have ever met, and is a better match for me in every single respect than WXH ever was. He's better in bed, kinder, more handsome, more interesting, funnier, wealthier, has a wonderful family, etc., etc., etc.

I started a post a few years ago called Fear vs. Reality. We all have fears, but for pretty much everyone who responded, our reality post-divorce was much better than we ever could have imagined. You've got this. You know what she's like. It is very unlikely (to the point of saying it's statistically impossible) for her to change her core personality. You know who she really is. You are so young. Do you want to still be dealing with this in 1, 3, 5, 10 years from now? Though possibly with a damaged child or incurable STD in tow? You are the parent of your future self. What do you want for your future?

That was a really great post! I wish I had read it earlier. I'll definitely be buying that book.

So this week hasn't been good. It's been emotional hell. I went with my WW to meet her IC and sat through a session. All she did was cry and just feel bad about herself. The counselor asked me questions about how it made me feel to see her this way. I was just brutally honest. I said that I can't sympathize with with her emotions because she's the one who created this mess. It's her fault we are both broken and hurt. She knew what she was doing for 4 years and now she's sad. To me she's just sad because she got caught and is now guilt ridden. Her therapist said "see look at how much guilt she has", my response was that it's just more selfish behavior. It's still all about her and now she's playing the victim. I guess I could have been nicer.

Anyways the rest of the week has just been depressing as hell with several arguments and no sex. We haven't gone this many days without sex since before DD over a year ago. I guess HB is over.

We were texting today and she finally has come to the conclusion that we both need space. The house will be on the market in 2 weeks and will sell quickly.

We are going to talk tonight about what the plan is after the house sells. She finally has considered getting separate apartments but the details and finances need to be worked out. I'll keep everyone posted as to what we work out.

I think you called it how you see it. To me there is nothing wrong with the truth. If we spoke the truth more often there probably would be less of these kinds of problems. I would stick with your guns and just keep moving forward. If she wakes up and realizes this is on her and she has to fight if she wants to save the marriage then great but if not then clearly you will know where you stand.

C

After our talk last night we decided to separate. She is going to move out in a few weeks and I'm going to stay in the house until it sells. After that I'm going to get my own place within a few miles of where she is going. We decided to hold off on D for at least 6 months while we are separated. The plan is too work on ourselves but also keep in contact. We are planning to create a separation agreement in the next few days.

After our talk last night we decided to separate. She is going to move out in a few weeks and I'm going to stay in the house until it sells. After that I'm going to get my own place within a few miles of where she is going. We decided to hold off on D for at least 6 months while we are separated. The plan is too work on ourselves but also keep in contact. We are planning to create a separation agreement in the next few days.

Would you remarry her now? That's what R is.

If not why waste more of your life in this?

She had a LTA almost your whole marriage.

Would you remarry her now? That's what R is.

I don't know. If I see changes in her personal growth over the next 6 months while she is on her own I might consider it. If she doesn't change then all we have to do is sign the papers and be done.

If not why waste more of your life in this?

6 months more isn't that much more time to waste. I'm still in the recovery stage so I'm not close to being healed from this anyways.

LTA's are probably the hardest affairs to recover from and there is no best way to do it. All in all if we can't reconcile then it just took me a year and half to emotionally detach from her which was better than ripping off the band aid in my opinion. It gave me time to at least plan my exit strategy.

She's been detached for 3.5 years so don't be surprised if she moves on quickly.

That's possible but she's extremely co-dependent apparently. I just learned that from her IC this week. She is afraid to lose me, it wasn't an exit affair apparently not that it really matters at this point.

Take care of yourself first. Let her do the same.

Sorry you're in this predicament