SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think divorce is my only option. Even with all the truth, I will never trust her.

Especially since the only truth you're getting is probably coming from Dan and his wife and not your own wife. Then again, Dan and your wife are cheaters so neither you nor his wife may never get the real truth. Considering that, divorce will probably be your best bet for a healthy future. Your logic on this is very sound. Good luck.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 11:50 AM, December 6th (Wednesday)]

Sisoon, I have to respectfully disagree with you. You’re coming across as a total wayward sympathizer.

You said:

“It sounds like your W got a lot of good sex. I haven't been in that sitch, so I don't know what I would do if I were in it.”

Wow, I can’t believe you’re making excuses for my wife. It’s really insulting that you would even try to rationalize what she’s done.

I’m not a victim and I don’t see myself as one, please don’t project your insecurities onto me.

I don't think your handling any of this wrong. You found out in one of the worst ways possible. I don't think you owe your wife anything at this point.

Your right you will never know the full truth. The really sad part is once you caught her she still didn't come clean. That shows you who she really is. In her darkest hour and when you needed her the most she still focused only on protecting herself. She can say it was her way of trying to save her marriage but that was no longer her choice. Its yours. This is what most WS's forget. Once they cheat they no longer get to decide.

I personally would divorce her if was me. I walked in on a gf when I was younger. We didn't even make it a day after that. I just cant do that. This is your choice to make and if you feel you cant go forward with her who cares what you full reason is. The only reason you need was already given by her. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Focus on you and your kids. Focus on what your next steps are.

If you do plan on getting a divorce find a good therapist for your children. It doesn't matter how young they are. They will need all the help they can get to get through this.

I did this for my kids. They turned around like they great kids they are.

C

Matt

The good news is only you get to choose what you want. If it’s D, then that is great, that is a path back to happiness.

If it’s R (doesn’t sound like it), then the same is true.

Start the D process when you are ready. It can be stopped any time if you have a change of heart.

You are doing remarkably well. I’d only recommend you also get into IC if you are not as whether you think it or not, you have a lot of pain to work through the next year or so.

Take care of yourself.

I think you've done a good job assessing where the other BS is at right now. She's as devastated as you are and terrified at losing the life she thinks she has had. This will change over time...

I urge you again to find a divorce lawyer and learn exactly what you can expect should you decide to split. There's power in knowledge and you deserve to understand your rights.

wow!! you deserve better. I am sorry

Don't expect the truth unless your ww becomes truly remorseful. Right now, she's just trying to save her ass and the marriage. But even with the truth, that image of him and her in bed will forever be seared in your mind.

Digressing:

How could she oppose getting a full-time job given the circumstances? A remorseful spouse would welcome any opportunity to make amends or please the BS.

The Truth? What's on the table right now that is in dispute?

1.It was either 4 times a week (yeah I know 3-4) or 5 times a week. Do the math on the variance.

2.OM: she was the aggressor. If MIC's W said she was taken advantage of no one would believe her. And a poly would not discern that nuance.

3. OM: it was only physical for me, not emotional. If MIC's W said emotionless PA, or TrueLove PA, we all would be like dogs chasing their tail with generalities based on gender.

4. OM: this was her first affair. Yes, a poly would provide a basis for "trusting" that this was her first affair.

I don't see this putting MIC any further ahead in his decision making process at this stage. I don't see the content of the Truth making him feel better...or worse. Make anything more or less of a deal breaker.

See, I think he has at least 90% of the truth. Enough upon which to make a decision. Right now he is thinking of D. Does not believe her could trust her. Sounds like a righteous place to be at this early stage.

Matt, you made your initial decisions and took your first actions in a way that got your feet under you, gave you a measure of control. Good for you. You now have time. No one here knows how this will unfold. No one here knows what is "best" for you, but damn straight everyone here wants the best for you. Most everyone here has an opinion about what you should do.

Two truths here:

You get to write the next chapters and you will survive this.

It was either 4 times a week (yeah I know 3-4) or 5 times a week. Do the math on the variance.

Reminds me of the saying, arguing about rank among Ensigns is like arguing about virtue among whores.

Matt, the less you need from her, the better. To want something from her is to give her a wedge in your life, no matter how small. Need to know what exactly happened? She can (and will) use that to manipulate things to her advantage.

So if you *know* you are going to divorce, just execute the 180 (look in the Healing Library) and detach, detach, detach.

Sending strength!

I'm not arguing for R, believe it or not. I'm arguing that D is NOT your only option.

For many BS's, if not most, divorce is the only option. It's the default response to a betrayal of their wedding vows. They are true to themselves in knowing they won't or can't get past that betrayal. And even though I am a BS who chose the R path; I don't blame those that wouldn't ever consider R, one iota.

[This message edited by badmemory at 2:08 PM, December 6th (Wednesday)]

well put Badmemory

I will get past the betrayal, it’s just that my wife will not be with me on the other side. It’s not about me, my kids come first. I will not be teaching them what a healthy relationship looks like if I stay with my wife.

I completely understand that everyone’s circumstances are different and some people will stay with a cheating spouse for various reasons, none of which have to do with the relationship/marriage itself (finances, etc.)

MattinC

Divorce and reconciliation are the only paths out of infidelity. If you chose divorce then fine, no problems. That is totally your call and we will support you on that path the best we can.

But please – don’t belittle those that chose to reconcile. If not for any other reason than the fact this site is hosted by a couple that reconciled. And they did it for relationship-reasons rather than financial or other. Not to mention some of the admins and guides – both WS and BS well on their path to reconciliation. True reconciliation has little to do with finances. It’s ALL about relationships.

Divorce if you want to. Like I say it’s your call. There are also guides and mods here that chose that path. It’s a good and acceptable path. But do so for the right reasons.

[This message edited by Bigger at 2:42 PM, December 6th (Wednesday)]

You made a damn good point about teaching your kids the basics.

What would you urge them to do if they faced a similar situation?

If it were me, I'd serve her d papers immediately after her first full time pay check.

Fuck her.

Better still, let the OM fuck her.

t/j

So MidnightRun – are you implying that your host on this site and the resident moderator of JFO are setting bad precedent for their kids? I’m always amazed at the ferocity of the Burn the Witch Gang, considering the hosts and volunteer staff here on SI. It’s like crashing a party, drinking the punch and then craping on the living-room carpet.

I don’t have any issue with MattinCT divorcing and would fully understand why that will feel necessary for him. But I don’t see any need for ANYONE – YOU INCLUDED MR – to be so dismissive and insulting to those that decide to reconcile.

End of t/j

MattinCT-

glad that you are not playing the pick me dance.

You seem to be very decisive.

Hope you find some peace. And get thru the D with a good attorney.

I’m not judging or blaming anyone for choosing to reconcile.

I did not like sisoon’s response, it was very insulting and biased to reconciliation. Another poster said they wouldn’t blame me or any BS for choosing to divorce.

I have to give credit to those choosing to reconcile, that’s the ultimate gift to an undeserving wayward.

Matt, I just wanted to add a voice of support. I'm following the D route as well. I'm sorry you had to see them together. You sound like a strong individual and a great Dad. I've been feeling a bit odd that I don't seem to want to give things another go, that I'm done.

My D-Day with WH was six weeks ago. We have no children together, which makes it easier. We'd been having martial "troubles" for a few months, including a separation and false R. Strangely enough these troubles coincided with the time the A started (I wasn't as savvy as you and only discovered about OW just before I kicked him out for the final time).

I can't picture myself trusting him ever again either. There were so many lies and denials (including at MC). I could *almost* forgive an isolated infidelity but on top of the deception it's too much.

At six weeks, aside from all the pain, I'm actually much better than I was in a faltering M where I was the only one trying (since WH was putting all his energy into a woman young enough to be his daughter). More confident, scared about the future but facing it fully, engaged with supportive friends and family. I feel I have no time or energy for those who don't have my best interests at heart.

Best wishes.

P.S. sorry if that was a t/j...

MattinC

Start looking for a good attorney. Be realistic in your expectations. Your WW infidelity won’t get you full custody and a full paycheck won’t diminish a possible claim for alimony. Start calculating if you can or even want to keep the home. Get cracking at finding an attorney and get the ball rolling.

Until then try to get her to remain where she is staying. Ask that communications be limited to issues regarding the children. Don’t bother talking to Dan or Mrs. Dan since you don’t need the truth. Don’t bother monitoring if the affair is ongoing – you have fired her as your wife and all that’s left is the severance time and package. She can do the local Fire Department for all you care.

Start thinking about yourself and your kids. Monitor your finances, get info from your bank on the status of all accounts and document your spending and your time with kids.

The goal now is to get you the best deal possible from the divorce.