SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Alexis-

How are you today?

What happened after your told your spouse you needed to talk?

Are you Ok?

Hugs,

LizzieJ

Hi LizzieJ

I’m ashamed to say I chickened out and didn’t talk to him. We went to bed and I was going to but then he actually snuggled me instead of looking at his phone. Then, we’ll, let’s just say there was no talking involved. Then I got to thinking how it seems that a lot of the times when I’ve said we need to talk we don’t always end up talking and end up “in bed” together instead. Now I’m wondering if it’s like a way for him to make sure I don’t end up wanting to talk OR maybe I’m just wayyyyy over thinking it. Then tonight he told me he loves me without me saying it first. Most often I have to say it first.

Anyway I will figure it out. I’m just kinda embarrassed I didn’t say anything at all. 😖

Thank you for checking in on me though.

Hugs 🤗

Alexis-

Dont embarrassed for our sake. This is YOUR life...

I do think you' ve hit on something ~ he likely is avoiding "talking" because he knows you know.

I do understand the "chickening out" of the conversation - Its a scarey feeling - I've been there...I mean you " kNOW" What he's done but deep down inside there's a part of you that wants to believe it's all a mistake ... but if he admits it then its Really Real ... but if he denies it you KNOW he's willing to lie to you ... It's a NO WIN for you. But remember HE put you there.

Keep going with getting your ducks in a row :) I still think it's best to have your plan in place before you confront ...

Chin UP & HUGS!!

Lizzie J

Thank so much. I wasn’t going to confront him the other night but rather discuss some of why I was hurting so much the other night when I felt he had no interest in me nor did he even react to my advances. Of course this was on Sunday or Monday night. Idk anymore. I swear my days are just blurring together lately. At least he’s been coming home on time this week which helps me feel better. But not enough so that I can let go of how I feel.

Anyway I have to get back on the phone now & start trying more MC’s to call. There must be SOMEONE in my area that specializes in this, takes our insurance and does evening or weekend appointments. This is so frustrating. I really want to get the ball rolling on this ASAP!

I also need to motivate. I’m not even dressed yet and I’m so tired. Idk. I’m just sick of feeling so tired and non productive. Of course that’s not totally because of this situation with my husband but I’m sure it contributes.

Thank you again for checking in on me. I think next time I have a go at talking to him about anything I won’t text him to say we need to talk. Because once I do that it somehow gets diverted.

Hugs 🤗

Oh and yes I think you’re right about me fearing the reply he gives when I finally do confront him. It’s scary to know either way. Even though I know some stuff I don’t know everything and if he denies it then I know he’s still lying to me which is painful too. Can’t win can I ???

I was in the same boat just a year ago. Lots of men are paying for sex, just check out those websites for men reviewing escorts.

If I have the opportunity to go back to the Dday, the one thing I would do differently was NOT to confront him immediately. I have an intense need to know the truth and it's bugging me that I will never know whole truth. The moment I confronted him, all evidence was deleted.

You will NEVER find out the truth from him. You will never know how much you know and how much you do not know. Ever.

If you want to know the details, it's best if you go full investigation mode NOW. Get a tracker from amazon and put it in his car. Check his cellphone and computer. Retrieve old deleted messages. Put keylogger in. Get access to all his messages and emails.

I know you want to stay with him but it's best to know what you're getting yourself into. You said you spent thousands on makeup. Might be better to spend the money on investigating him and finding out the facts.

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know why you are confronting your husband but I think you should figure out what you want to achieve by doing that. Most of the time, confronting him only serve to get him to delete or hide everything. He might say he's sorry and tell you everything you want to hear. But is he going to stop? Most likely not, not until he hits rock bottom ie face real consequences of his actions.

Hi Linda,

Yes unfortunately I’ve seen/read reviews for some escorts that were linked to phone #’s on my husbands cell phone. I was horrified by them. I think I made the mistake of dropping massive hints I knew but not bluntly saying it. He must know I know but I suspect he’s gotten smarter about it. I think he’s definitely doing it less but it’s still being done because I find other random evidence besides the phone bill which has been totally clean since I dropped my first hint in June. He obviously figured out on his own it was the phone bill. I’ve searched his car but never find a burner phone. Now granted I’ve considered the fact it could just be well hidden or left at work. Idk.

As for not having confronted him yet, after all these months of knowing, I guess it’s because I do love him and want to ultimately fix things and I’m also petrified of all the what if’s and he’s not easy to talk to. He tends to get defensive or irritated quickly and the second I sense that I immediately shut down. So idk. It’s hard. But he did agree to see a marriage counselor with me so I’m trying to find one but I’m finding it extremely difficult to find one that meets our needs. Uhg. I will feel better confronting him in a therapist office. I think having a therapist there to guide the conversation and help will help me. Hopefully I’ll get honesty when that does happen. Idk. I know I love him with all my heart and will go to the ends of the earth to try to save our marriage but he must be willing to do the same and I’ve learned from talking with others here I MUST make him understand he has consequences for his actions and that (as much as I want to) we cannot just Kids and makeup. He has to understand the severity of this and that divorce could be on the table if this continues and believe me that very word pains me to even type. I don’t think I’ve EVER said that before. But I know I need to be his priority. Me and our two children need to be important enough to him to change and be honest with me and fix this mess. I’m beyond scared from this. Trust isn’t going to happen overnight. I compare this to the PTSD I have from something that happened to me years ago. It feels extremely like ptsd to me. Uhg. Just awful. :(

Well I must go for now. Thank you for your reply.

~ Alexis

This is so incredibly sad. And hopeless.

You have been living with unbelievable pain and sadness for 9 years. And all the while time is running through your fingers and life is passing you by.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

You are doing your children no favors by staying.

He doesn’t love you. You actually do not love him either. You love an illusion, a picture in your head of what you dream about, something you envisaged but will never happen.

He probably already has a backup plan and all his ducks are in a row for the day when you finally have had enough and call it a day.

Please be smart. Do not let him toy with you any longer.

Go see a lawyer and hammer out a separation agreement.

Present it to that louse of a husband of yours and be prepared to walk out there and then. Let him fight for you if he can be bothered.

But above else, protect yourself and prepare for a future without him.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but you will be infinitely happier once you stop clinging to him and this incredibly sad and forlorn hope.

Please please please find the strength to help yourself.

😢

Try taking a look here"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=497843

Take care.

I've been following and have a few thoughts.

Your husband is an addict. He does not think like you. While in active addiction, his mind is so far removed from reality that he thinks he has this whole situation "under control". He has separated (compartmentalized) his life with you from the women he is in contact with. Please realize that he probably does not have the capacity to see things as you do so, expecting that you can sit down with him and have a talk and express your concerns with him is in itself a form of fantasy. Yours. I get it tho. I thought the same thing! I didn't know what my SAWH was doing but, I did feel the extreme distance and wanted nothing else than to be close to him.

Like your husband, mine would bow up and get loud when I tried to "talk". It made him VERY uncomfortable so, he just used the same tried and true method to get me to shut up and back off. And, it worked. Every single time.

I think that since you have dropped these "hints" that your husband has probably been able to rationalize to himself that since you already "know", you must be ok with it because you keep allowing him to sweep everything under the rug. I know it's your fear holding you back but, it's your fear that is enabling him to continue on this very hurtful, painful path.

I promise, it won't be until you actually drop the bomb that you know and you absolutely won't live this way that his thinking will be rattled into reality. You absolutely must tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not ok with things the way they are and, that as much as you love him and don't want to divorce, you simply can't live with him screwing other women. He will have to make a choice as to whether he wants to continue on the way he is or, work on becoming a sober and safe partner for you. There is only one choice that is acceptable. This is called "rock bottom". Now he will know that he no longer has control of the situation.

It truly does have to come to that sadly. We all know how painful it is but, if you continue to enable him by allowing this behavior to continue, the monster inside him will continue to grow and consume him and, you. You can't have what you want in a relationship with him until you jolt him out of this fantasy life. It's not easy and it has been one of the most painful experiences of my life.

We all have differing circumstance so, no one is judging. Just trying to help you see how critical it is for you to come to your own reality of how you are stuck in a cycle of your own pain, fear, love and need for a healthy relationship. It happens. You just have to know that you are smart, you know what you know and you won't back down. And, please, don't have sex with him anymore. He is indulging in very risky behavior. Don't allow a permanent reminder to become another heartache to deal with.

One step at a time Alexis.

Again thank you everyone for your help and kindness...

Honestly I just don’t know what to say today... I have good and bad days or rather good, bad & really bad days. Yesterday was more of a really bad day & today I guess I’ll say I’m having something between a bad & good day. I have days or hours during a day that I feel numb to everything and then when the numbness starts to wear off, I’m left sitting here feeling and I don’t like it. That’s where I am at this exact minute. I know I need to motivate and get more things done around the house. I already did quite a bit. I need to exercise. I need to do something. But I’m not doing anything right now. I own my own business (2 online women’s clothing boutiques) and quite honestly I’m sooooo far behind its killed my sales. I have a secret debt of $5,500.00 to pay off from spending $$$ on things to make me feel better about myself & to try to think I’m making myself more attractive for him. I bought more makeup this morning. It’s terrible. I need to stop it. I really need to start buckling down with my boutiques. I need to pay off that debt quickly. I feel so awful about it. The guilt is killing me. But I guess I was trying to make myself feel better. Stupid me. But anyway I’m just not sure how I feel about anything anymore. I have all these questions now. I feel like I’m more in the dark the more I learn from others here about the possibilities of what he’s doing. I just want this to all be a awful mistake. Now I’m wondering if he’s a sex addict. I’m wondering if he has been having an emotional affair as well as seeing escorts. I’m wondering how he’s hiding it better now that he previously did. I’m wondering how I will ever know anything about anything. All I do know is I want things to be ok again. I miss him even when I know I will see him when he gets home. I miss him right now. I am praying he will call me on his lunch break which is over in 10 or so minutes because I asked him to call me on his break via text and when I called him at work today to tell him our older daughter got her first period at school today. (Idk why I needed to call him about that 😬it’s such a girl thing after all....). But no call. He USE TO call me everyday on his breaks but that stopped 3-4 years ago. I took it for granted. I wish I had been more understanding of his needs when he told me how he was feeling but I was feeling depressed from things myself at the time. Still I can’t help but wonder if I had just acted then, would this have not happened? I know you guys tell me not to blame myself. He made the choices he made and when I have felt like my needs weren’t being met I never went and cheated. Never. I’ve said this a million times though... deep down inside I know this is not my fault but on the surface I can’t get past it completely.

Anyway I’m going to go. I have to do stuff.

Thank you again everyone.

* I’m sorry I’m always such a broken record *

I'm worried about you.

You're waiting until MC to say anything to him. But,what if you get an MC who believes his cheating either isn't important, it didn't happen, or blames infidelity on the BS? All of that is possible. I've seen all of that over the years on this site. It is imperative that you meet alone with the MC for the first session, and tell them your plan to confront, and ask them how they will handle things.

You also seem to think once you confront he will either admit all, and then you can work on the marriage. But, the marriage didn't make him cheat. He chose to cheat. He has issues. He needs IC, not MC.

But, from everything you have posted, he will deny it, and you will accept it, and nothing will change. He may lay low for awhile, but he will return to hookers after awhile.

What is your plan when/if he denies it?

In order to save the marriage, you will need to be strong enough to refuse the continued disrespect, abuse, lies,etc. You will need to enforce consequences.

Also, you have to stop having sex with him. Even IF he uses a condom every time, he's having regular sex with hookers. Condoms aren't 100%. And oral sex is very, very,very rarely protected sex. Every time you have sex with him, you are risking your health,and your life. You have a responsibility to protect yourself, for your children. He needs to be tested,you need to be tested, and no sex until that happens.

Eta...ok, he came to you and said he needed more of your attention. You were tired from dealing with small children all day. How much help did he give you with the kids, or housework,when he was home?

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:45 PM, February 1st (Thursday)]

I’m a damn good looking woman, a fantastic wife and mother, hell of a cook, I keep a clean home, am educated, was always affectionate and blah, blah, blah. My husband still cheated. With hookers, coworkers, and random anonymous women on Craigslist. It’s him, not you.

STD test. I can’t express how important this is. Even if you don’t believe it’s necessary, it really is. Trust me, it really, really is.

See a lawyer. Even if you don’t plan to divorce it’s good to know where you stand.

POLYGRAPH. I wasted almost a year thinking my husband and I were solidly reconciling just to find out he’s been hiding details all along. If I could do anything differently, I’d have done it in the first week.

Sorry in advance for the threadjack, but LongSigh, I think I remember reading that your husband kicked you out of the house recently, right? Yet he's the one who cheated, and seems to have serial cheated?? Why did you kick him out? If anything, HE should be the one kicked out! Were you able to get back in and kick him out? Are you going to divorce him now because of this? And how the heck can therapists say it's "both of your faults"?? (see, this is why I think most therapy sucks) I apologize if you already wrote about this on other threads but maybe I missed it.

Many of us have been telling you the same thing but I have a feeling that you think our experiences might not apply to you. We're not a bunch of divorcees trying to break up your marriage. Contrary, many of us are in reconciliation albeit not all are going to be successful.

Bottom line is, he's not going to change unless he hits rock bottom. And for that to happen, you have to be ready to leave him. You have to ask yourself whether you prefer this current cozy but fictitious life or take a risk and find real happiness.

He's not going to change, you'll have to do it. If you can't do it, perhaps it's time to consider changing your mindset to accept this situation. My opinion is not going to be popular here but I think there's no shame in accepting your husband's infidelity. It's just survival. There's no point in drowning yourself in sorrow. If leaving is worse than him seeing hookers, just accept the fact and close your eyes. Embrace your life and pretend that never happen. You'll not be the first one to do that.

Linda2016

I’m just trying to get by and figure things out. I’ve been making my own progress to get there and no I do not think my situation is different than anyone else’s nor do I think that your experiences don’t apply to me. I’ve never once said that and I truly don’t feel that way. :( I’m sorry you feel that’s what I think. Nor am I accepting his actions/behavior, if I were I wouldn’t be here, I’m just working on how I AM most comfortable dealing with it and for me, that will be with a MC. I’m doing the best I can do right now, a day at a time. I will work things out and as I previously mentioned I am very understanding now that he will need to understand there are consequences for his actions and that it’s not something I’m ok with. So Once I am ready, I will confront him & I will get there. Thank you for the input though.

I understand that you need to do things your way.

But please, do not rely on this yet to be found marriage counselor to stand up for you and make your husband see the errors of his ways.

Don’t just “confront” and hope that you can wing it. He is an expert at playing mind games.

You need to have an airtight plan in your head.

Really, you should have a separation agreement, prepared by n experienced divorce attorney, ready to present as evidence that you mean business.

And really be prepared to kick him to the curb and make him understand that he needs to change his ways and fight for you.

I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation. My partner of almost four years has paid for sex at least once, and I suspect more.

I'm concerned about you. I would like to suggest that you get counselling on your own first before going into MC. I'm not sure that you'll get the result you want from MC. The counsellor is not going to just tell him to stop cheating and he's in the wrong. It's more complex than that.

Look after you first. You know like in a plane where you have to put on your oxygen mask first, then help others? It's like that.

Take care.

Alexis I've been following your story, your posts from early on. Im so sorry that you are in such discomfort and still struggling to find an MC.

I don't know where you live but where I live there are literally thousands of people who are "certified" MCs. Very few of them are trained or experienced working with betrayal trauma. They typically help work with "communication" problems. They are not trained or experienced to work with SA type trauma. They do not typically do the kind of disclosure work you are talking about.

There are, however, therapists who do do disclosure work. They are typically therapists who specialize in SA based betrayal. Some have certificates in SA issued by an institute in Arizona that focuses on addictions. Those therapists are called CSATs and they do formal disclosure. But there is a very prescribed method for doing that; it's done after the betrayer has already admitted to certain behaviors, has already said he/she wanted to work for change and is typically participating in SA related 12 step programs. It's done after many sessions and the SA typically is also working with an IC.

I think you are looking for an MC to act as a kind of coach or arbitrator. It's possible but I think you would need to explain fully to any possible MC how you want them to help. Also wondering if you have asked your IC to help with disclosure or if your therapist has given you advice about this.

Alexis, you might try contacting someone through BAN to get some possible guidance in the direction you want to go. S-ANON people are also very helpful. If you at all suspect your H might be SA you could attend SANON groups to get more information about possible counselors that could give good guidance. People in these groups tend to be very helpful and very good at sharing resources. It would also be helpful for you to have IRL contact with others who are also dealing with this type of problem.

Just wanted to say thank you for the support. Not much to say at the moment about anything. I’m just having one of those blahhhh days and have a lot on my mind.

But I just wanted to let everyone know I did read your responses and thank you again for your kindness and understanding as well as advice.

~ Alexis

Well -

To tell the truth - I have stayed off of the boards for months - because whenever I feel compelled to respond to a poster - there is NOMERCY - summarizing and expressing EXACTLY what I would have said.

NOMERCY is an entity that represents ME - except that she can see it - articulate in words - and express it - in a way that I never can.

SHE IS ALWAYS ON THE MONEY - in my opinion. SO - I don't even bother to respond - because she can express my thoughts better than me.

PLEASE - go back to page 3 of this thread. READ HER WORDS AGAIN!!

In my opinion - YOU HAVE A MARTYR complex (look it up). In my opinion - given all of your replies and excuses to continually accept this abuse - and living this type of life - and just accepting this type of behavior - tells me that you MUST be getting some type of reward for this.

So all we can do is feel sad for you - until you get it - if you ever will.

The problem - in my opinion of course - is not HIM - but YOU.

Of course - EVERYONE is trying to tell you this - but you have every excuse in the world to just complain - and do nothing.

So until you decide to do something for yourself - and I hope you don't have any daughters - because what you are modeling for YOU - is what they will think is normal - and will probably be something they will eventually think will also be okay for them.

So - if that is the legacy you want to leave - NO ONE ON THIS BOARD - can help you.

If you can't help yourself - PLEASE - think of your children.

PLEASE - go back to PAGE 3 and REREAD NOMERCY's post to you.

You are SO LOST - in my opinion - and so delusional when it comes to this man - that you have lost yourself - and it is just SAD!!

That's why it is s hard to read your posts. It is just SAD!!

(in my opinion)

Can Not Believe