Update:
FWS's love used to be something I could count on no matter what. It was tested and proven over time and grew according to our own personal growth. It was soul mate love. Deep, from a prior lifetime(s) of love.
Now, FWS has proven to me, that unbeknownst to me, her love soured after a few years. After my overseas trip she assumed, incorrectly, that I had become a liar and a cheater. That I had had an affair and looked down on her as less than me. She married me anyway.
As time went on, this believe wore on her. She refused to tell me how she felt and persisted to make me think she was truly in love with me, despite being with a liar and a cheater, who then continued to cheat with co-workers and lie about it cover it up.
Upon our children coming into our lives, she started to realize she demanded more for herself, but thought I did not love her enough to give it to her. Our fights became more vicious and her doubts about me more embedded.
Enter “Sex at Dawn”, AP and her polyamorous friends, and endless parade of women confessing to affairs. Finally, a way out of her conundrum. She could now join the affair club, thus forgive me, and now make peace with a suboptimal relationship with me, while finding true sexual satisfaction by having two kinds of men vie for her love and attention at the same time, boosting her low self esteem and healing her childhood wounds formed by her mother cheating on her dad. Now she could forgive her, too. Bonus.
Upon being caught, to escape the crushing shame, she tried to keep it hidden, stopping at nothing. No lie was too shameless. To cover up was too far fetched. We’re only friends, became we are friends with tender feelings, to friends with benefits, to affair partners who shared a past life, to I stopped all contact, to I stayed in contact because what kind of person would I be if I did not miss him, to he cheated on me, too, so now I’m REALLY done with him.
And it in the meantime, she will not give up BS or let me divorce her. She will do anything, say anything, gaslight me, just to keep me hoping that she STILL loves me like I used to believe before she got caught. She will fight me, yell at me, plead with me, cry over it, pull my hair, smash my hands into my car, complain to my brother, all to keep the parts of me she truly does still love, so I won’t notice the parts of me she has not loved for years, and that AP comforted me through.
This gaslighting and willingnenss to do ANYTHING, speaks to a lack of courage on fWS’s part to stand up for herself to demand a good relationship for herself and not settle for one she needs a side lover in order to get through. The fact that she feels burned by AP’s lifestyle of multiple side lovers, and burned by the affair club lifestyle, does NOTHING to make me feel I can trust her words now. All it proves to me is that she realizes now how badly she treated me in the face of how good she had it with me all along, and how little she believed that. She feels her sexual desires and intuition betrayed her, and so she feels like a victim, even more so than I do.
So she expects me to try to have faith and trust again, but how? So long as she is willing to do anything to keep me and not willing to risk losing me to choose a relationship that truly works for her, I will remain unsafe with her and thereby settling for less than I deserve.
And so long as I am settling I will not be truly happy, fWS won’t be safe with me and I will always be on the look out for finding what I do deserve, a this is a true love that does not need to cheat on me to work out her issues.
