SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Duplicate post...sorry!!!

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 3:33 PM, January 25th (Thursday)]

LWP, my WW knows how I feel - I've told her point blank. I have not told her "I love you" in years. She says it to me everyday. I haven't bought her gifts, cards, flowers, anything for years either. I don't kiss her and there's no foreplay from me to her anymore. Sex has to be rough and quick or I just can't do it. It has become on demand too.

It did not used to be this way. I wish it was different. I really need to divorce her. I truly don't know why she stays.

Thank you for writing this...it troubled me to see the callousness in some of the posts. But...once again...I can't possibly know what goes on in anyone's mind but mine

W2BH you are absolutely right it is callous. I too hate the way my sex life is now. I never wanted it this way, and I hope that at some point the love and respect for my WW will return. Until then I have to play the cards I've been dealt.

For the present, she isn't complaining, so I'm not talkin'....

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 5:52 PM, January 25th (Thursday)]

If I am to believe my wife, which I don't entirely, it was more her fulfilling his need for humiliating and dom sex rather than her own desire for it.

I think that in the beginning it was new, and as he ramped up what he did, she probably liked it a little less. He was pissed at me and decided to so soil her that if I found out he could have a little win over the guy who turned down his business deal. On some primal level though it must have been ok otherwise she wouldn't have done it day in and day out. she could have at any point ended it and she didn't..

W2BHA, I also agree that after I found out about the affair, and more specifically the acts that she did for him, I was callous in my treatment towards her. It was a double edged sword. I remained angry at her, and that is why the sex turned so cold, but on the flip side, I knew that I was hurting her, and that made me feel shitty also. I didn't like the guy I had become, but I guess I didn't like the way she crapped all over our marriage even more or I would have changed.

LivingWithPain...your posts are really triggering me...but they are what I need to see...so thank you for that . My H said that the last night he was with the adultery co-conspirator he tried to make love to her. He was leaving the next day to come back to the States...and he wanted to give her this "gift" instead of just fucking her . He told me...to HIM...if he could make love to her...then he could "justify" his affair . They were fucking missionary style...and he tried to look at her while doing it...to get the connection. But he said when he looked at her he saw ME. He couldn't make love to her...according to him...so he put his head down so he didn't have to look at her...and finished fucking her. Also...according to him...he had tried this the night before at her house. He didn't turn away though...he wanted to make love to her. But he ended up getting soft...so he just rolled over. I don't know if this could actually happen...can men really get soft in the MIDDLE of the act? I always thought it was a physiological thing. One man on here said he would get hard if the wind blew strong enough . I have read on the internet...on here...and other places...but I don't want to impose or offend anyone. Y'all are being very open on this thread...so MAYBE someone can help me to understand. My H has told me all of these things...even though he knows it hurts me...because I NEED to know everything. But I can't possibly KNOW what erections can or can't do. Even though you love your wife...you can't be intimate with her...or you will not be able to keep your erection? Is this what you are saying? Is this possible?

waitedwaytoolong...I have followed your posts for a while...and my heart breaks for you and your wife. The adultery co-conspirator used HER to give you a big FUCK YOU...and she allowed it . I believe she is VERY remorseful now...but the damage is done. He wins either way...and you both lose . But there is HOPE for a brighter future...without that POS ACC in it...and YOU deserve the happiness you will get .

Most definitely. The first few months after D-day, I could not get an erection if you paid me. Nothing my wife tried worked. I could not have a sexual desire for her. And yes, you can go soft in the midst of sex. It happened to me when my mind thought of her with other men while we were in the middle of sex. It happened a couple of times actually. It took a good six months before sex became normal for me. And then it was "wham bam, thank you ma'am" type of sex. That lasted for about a year. We did not have sex like we did prior to the affair for about a year and a half.

Get soft in the middle of an act? Yeah, happens to me ... but I'm 73, and there are ways.... Is that TMI? (We're sitting around a camp fire, right? And someone asked for a scary story....)

During the first, say, 18 months after d-day, it happened a couple of times when I realized I was fucking out of anger. That just seemed wrong to me at that point. Of course, by that time, my W would have preferred angry sex to no sex, but I just couldn't do it. I think that would have happened even if I were 30.

Man, if anybody had told me I would stop a sex act in the middle, I couldn't have believed him....

Oh my gosh...THANK Y'ALL WilliamM and sisoon. This made me cry. I don't have anyone to ask this to IRL...and I know it is a very personal question. I want to believe my H...but I also need validation...if that makes sense. Y'all did that...and I am so grateful for y'all speaking openly about this...now where are those marshmallows ???!!!

I am glad to help. I would suggest that he get his testosterone levels checked. Mine was very low. Getting them to a normal level will help with libido, mood, energy, and all that crap.

Thank you for that too WilliamM .

biologically- the majority I should say, of men are hardwired to reproduce... hence why sex is enjoyable.

Farting is also enjoyable. Nothing further to add your honor.

LivingWithPain...your posts are really triggering me...but they are what I need to see...so thank you for that . My H said that the last night he was with the adultery co-conspirator he tried to make love to her. He was leaving the next day to come back to the States...and he wanted to give her this "gift" instead of just fucking her . He told me...to HIM...if he could make love to her...then he could "justify" his affair . They were fucking missionary style...and he tried to look at her while doing it...to get the connection. But he said when he looked at her he saw ME. He couldn't make love to her...according to him...so he put his head down so he didn't have to look at her...and finished fucking her. Also...according to him...he had tried this the night before at her house. He didn't turn away though...he wanted to make love to her. But he ended up getting soft...so he just rolled over. I don't know if this could actually happen...can men really get soft in the MIDDLE of the act? I always thought it was a physiological thing. One man on here said he would get hard if the wind blew strong enough . I have read on the internet...on here...and other places...but I don't want to impose or offend anyone. Y'all are being very open on this thread...so MAYBE someone can help me to understand. My H has told me all of these things...even though he knows it hurts me...because I NEED to know everything. But I can't possibly KNOW what erections can or can't do. Even though you love your wife...you can't be intimate with her...or you will not be able to keep your erection? Is this what you are saying? Is this possible?

Well, W2BHA, first off I'm sorry if what I wrote triggered you, but I believe there is value in brutal honesty. To answer your question honestly, I no longer look my WW in the eye when I have sex with her. Back before her A I used to enjoy looking into her eyes when were having sex. It made it feel like we were more connected spiritually and emotionally.

But since we got back together and did the HB, I came to realize that eye-contact did not mean as much to her as it did to me. So now I just keep my eyes closed or eye just look down at myself going in and out of her. If I were to look in her eyes I probably would lose the mood. Not my erection, but just the desire. As long as I am objectifying her I can keep going for a long time and halfway enjoy the physical sensation of it. It's much easier when we are doing it doggystyle and I don't have to look at her face.

Sometimes I have a hard time climaxing even though I'm fully loaded. That in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing, because it allows her to have several orgasms, but I do get tired and it comes a point where I want to end it but I can't. So in order to get off, I imagine she is an old ex-girlfriend of mine who I used to have really hot, kinky sex with. My WW then becomes a proxy. Mentally it's a form of cheating I guess. I dunno, I never really sat down and thought about the moral implications of that.

My WW asked me about 3 years into DDay, "Why does it hurt so much?"

At first I was offended by the question. "Why are you in agony if your legs are run over by a Suburban?" would seem similarly self evident. But she asked it to try to understand.

But the more I thought about it, the more it seems to become a thread I can pull to unravel some things. I am very surprised that it hurts as much as it does. I think most of us are.

Why?

I was watching a movie called "The Little Prince" with my children. It is based off a book of the same title.

The gist of the book is this "Prince" is about 8 or 9 and lives on a very, very small planet. All that is on there is himself and a rose. He takes care of it and loves it. The female rose is very pretty and talks to him and she appreciates him and he appreciates her. The prince sets off from the planet to find something to protect her and take care of her from the cold at night and dry air during the day.

He lands on earth, searching, and much to his astonishment, he sees a whole field of roses. He is saddened and thinks to himself that he thought his rose was one of a kind. Now he knows that it's just one of a million roses. He feels like his rose has been devalued and doesn't feel like returning.

Then he meets a fox. He inadvertently tames the fox (played by Gene Wilder) and he learns from the fox that the world has changed. The fox says he can never go back to being a wild fox again because he's been tamed. That there are millions of people and millions of foxes. But by TAMING him, they are UNIQUE TO EACH OTHER and that makes things forever changed.

So the prince now knows that he must return to "HIS ROSE" because they are different than any other rose and any other person because they are unique to each other.

What my wife did was destroy that uniqueness. We were husband and wife, and now we are just a man and a woman that love and live with each other. In my heart and soul, I know we are no longer unique to each other.

So when I have sex, I am no longer a husband making love with his wife. I am just a man making love with a woman. It is no longer unique and the bond that once was there is no longer.

That is what hurts so much.

What my wife did was destroy that uniqueness. We were husband and wife, and now we are just a man and a woman that love and live with each other. In my heart and soul, I know we are no longer unique to each other.

Just yesterday I told my wife that I used to think that we were special. Now I know that we are not.

So when I have sex, I am no longer a husband making love with his wife. I am just a man making love with a woman. It is no longer unique and the bond that once was there is no longer.

<looking down sheepishly> I agree... I wish I didn't, but yes.

can men really get soft in the MIDDLE of the act?

<Still looking down> This happens to me now all the time. In the middle when I know I am loosing it, I just tell her to finish up before I loose it. Then I just roll over and go to sleep. It's almost always because the A pops into my head. -- Oh look --- a guy that has feelings...

Beer, Truck, Women, Football, Hockey, Basketball, and a big old burp.... Whew! I feel better, I thought I might actually feel something there. Nipped that in the bud.

The uniqueness is destroyed. The feeling of she and I are one is gone because she brought others into a relationship that was suppose to be exclusive.

Even though I dumped my wife immediately after d day, this thread has been enlightening.

I always wondered how a guy could have sex with his wife after she's been with another man.

After d-day, I couldn't touch my wife with a ten foot pole. She became public property.

Triggery. Yes. I am sitting here crying for all of us, for what is lost. The pain that is in this thread—damn.

A few things...all women are different. I would not presume to represent all of us. I do not like being treated like a receptacle. Pre-dday? That’s what he thought sex should be. I wanted connection. That’s where things went wrong. So yes. He treated the OW as an object in porn. She was a fantastic actress. Said she had 20 or more orgasms while they were together. Lord. There was nothing she did not do. I don’t watch porn, maybe saw a few things in my 20s. I knew that wasn’t what I was looking for in a relationship so it never appealed to me. 20 shades either. But the OW was apparently what you all dream about. This is why I struggle. Aumanny made me feel better with the connection comment. It seems whatever works with a couple and creates connection will be different.

I’m not against different or kinky but There needs to be trust for that to be fun. If I feel like I’m not being seen? That it’s all about just fucking? I’m out. And after dday? I suppose I question a lot. So much is in my head now.

Again, that’s me. I’m sure some women are different.

Hearing what you’ve all lost, especially those who loved the connection sex but can’t do that now? I’m so sorry. We all lose after infidelity. And yes, they treated themselves and the APs as objects, but I’m not jealous of that. I’m angry that people have to destroy others to feel they get what they want.

I’m NOT an object. I am a whole person who loves with my whole heart. I dare say I want to be treated as such.

Women don't get it. It's more than just a bruised ego. It's literally saying "You were not good enough to be pleasured in this way... AP was!"

Fenderguy, I do get it. Most healthy women do. It feels the exact same way to me.

Edited to fix quote.

[This message edited by demolishedinside at 10:56 AM, January 28th (Sunday)]

Women don't get it. It's more than just a bruised ego. It's literally saying "You were not good enough to be pleasured in this way... AP was!"

^^^ I agree. Goes back to the fact that women are involved in sexual selection. Men- not so much.

[This message edited by redhorse at 5:11 PM, January 28th (Sunday)]

Demolished-

In complete agreement with you. Please don’t let the narrative here about getting what the AP got, and being forced to objectify our wives after dday Give you the wrong impression about motive, at least in my case. I LOVED the connection prior to dday. I LOVED the love, the reciprocation of intimacy, and the desire I had to care for her. It was the best kind of sex/intimacy and I miss that so sorely. I didn’t like what her affair had done to us. After day It felt like in order for me to enjoy sex or finish, I had to objectify her. To me, when she gave herself to another man, she made herself public property, and not MINE anymore. I didn’t want to view her as a receptacle I wanted to be romantic. I couldn’t. In fact if I tried to be romantic and caring with her, i lost almost all desire entirely. It felt like a disposal of my self respect. It made me feel like a chump. What was once shiny and brilliant to me, I was enamored with, was now tarnished and cheap, pawn shop material... how could I still see her as full value of someone else paid half price? I know that sounds so bad. I really do. And I realized I couldn’t keep going like that. I divorced her for me, but also for her. Eventually she would deserve better too, and it’s could never be me again. That emotional connection, that love and respect? I have it back. But It’s for my new girlfriend, and I couldn’t Be happier.

Demolished- you deserve to be treated well like the loyal loving woman you are, by a man with kindness loyalty and respect. And when you feel that in the relationship, great intimacy is sure to follow, as you are a woman worth the respect.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 5:44 PM, January 28th (Sunday)]