SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

They always get pissed when outed.

Let her deal with the bed she made. This is a good thing.

You stay out of it.

Go silent. Let her go.

Let this be her problem.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:34 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

She said I told you not to tell her.

She cheats and you're supposed to help her hide it?

You see the lunacy here, right?

Don’t do anything. I would tell her she should probably have kept her pu$$y in her pants then there wouldn’t have been a reason to talk to her.

The OBS deserves to know what is going on. Now the OM and your WW would have a much harder time sneaking around. So she left so she could contact him since she left that is Okay in her mind.

I would tell her you have no use for a cheating woman who has sex with other men. You sir have nothing to apologize for. Don’t let her treat you like that.

Oh yeah and tell her to stop thinking with her you know what. You did the right thing!

An affair only works in secrecy and the dark. Now it's out in the bright light. Not so fun now.

You destroyed their fantasy. The best thing you could have done.

Nothing on the marriage can be worked on if that's what you seek until the affair ends.

Consequences are a good thing.

Sorry mrnicehockeyguy:

Sorry you are going through this. You are witnessing how a spoiled, entitled brat acts when her actions lead to CONSEQUENCES. You are under no obligation to hide her dirty little secrets. Actions have consequences. The OBS had every right to know she was living a lie. You did a very good thing. If your WW is so remorseless for her actions that this causes her to file for D, then you have to ask yourself: What are you losing here?

Do not allow yourself to be bullied or browbeaten for doing the right thing. Calmly hold your ground. Isn’t she proud of herself? Look, let her rant and rave but take no shit about this. It’s called CONSEQUENCES!

WW comes back, screaming and cursing. Says it's over. Said I hate you. D. Now. Packs bag for a hotel and leaves.

Sent a bunch of angry texts.

Well, that pretty much tells you that any displays of remorse so far have been bullshit. The mask flies off pretty quickly when we stop playing the cheater's game. Per your earlier post, your WW has been cheating on you for more than a year if you count the ramp up. It's clear now that she wasn't as far removed from it all as she led you to believe after DDay.

I know this has got to be a scary development for you. But I honestly do believe that the WS must surrender their pride and submit themselves completely to the process of reconciliation. Otherwise, it doesn't work. She's getting a hard lesson right now that she's no longer in control. I'd say 180, and if she continues rattling her saber about divorce, split the banking and hire an attorney.

You might check your phone records and online debit card. That might give you insight as to where she went and whether she's alone.

ETA: Also, I'm not buying that she didn't already know that you informed OBS. From what you posted, it sure as heck looks like she led you to the question.

Talking with WW tonight, she says OM mean to her today acting different. Good because he didn't tell her that I told OBS.

Then she asks me, you didn't tell her, did you?

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:06 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

When does it stop? When do you respect yourself?

She left to go see OM and her fairy tail is gone.

Poor baby

So you already have the answer to your question in this thread.

If you go back and read each post you will find the advice is already been given to you. Perhaps you were not ready for it at the time. Are you now? Only you can know.

Here’s some of mine:

You’ll know that your WW (not “formerly”) and the AP are still communicating when she confronts you about telling the OBS.

So what is your plan to stop playing “pick me” and start demanding what you need from your WW in order to even begin down the path of R with her.

Until she’s committed to you and only you it’s best to tell her exactly what you need to see and then begin to move on. See a lawyer. Start with an IC.

It’s her choice if she comes along with you.

Show her you will not remain in a three way relationship.

If she ends up going with the AP, so be it, she just saved you from a life of LIMBO where you try to convince her you are the one she really loves.

Either she does or she doesn’t. You’re not gonna play games to find out.

Honestly you need to stop playing this game with her. All it does is extends her ability to draw out the affair. Tell her:

”I’ll make this quite easy for you I’m worth more than you are putting in to this relationship. He can have you. I’ll start working on mending my broken heart without you because that’s far easier than being forced to share you with him.

I’m no longer interested in discussing this while he’s still in our lives in any way. And that includes you working at the same place.

Once you’ve done the work to fix what’s broken in you, and your interested in trying to begin something new again, give me a call. If I’m at a place in life where I’m willing and interested, I’ll let you know.

I wish you well”.

My friend, until she shows up begging for forgiveness with that plan in her hand to repair the damage she has done, you can only move on.

Expose what she has done to close friends and family. Let them know you will need their support getting thru this and you don’t know if your M is gonna survive or not.

Stop communicating with her about anything but the bills that need paying. Take care of your health during this stressful time.

Find your own IC who specializes in Infidelity and meet with lawyers to know the next steps for D.

I’m sorry your here, but hope is not a plan. You’ll kick yourself later if you don’t take a firm stance and Co trip now.

We may be gruff and harsh, but we do it because we know we’re telling you the best possible path you can take.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:29 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

It is a tough night for her, you exposed to the OBS so the OM is probably trying to put out the fire in his marriage and not interested in your WW problems at the moment.

Her mother knows and probably is not all that pleased with her right now, but she's her mom. Probably told her to cut it ou and gpo back home to her family.

You have showed strength and have taken control out of her hands and into yours.

What can she do but send you pissed off messages and send the POSOM love messages. You both should ignore her. She really has lost control and no place to go.

Maybe the OM will meet her at the hotel after his BS kicks him out. So what, they've been doing that for a year.

There is a pretty good chance she will come back if the OM does the 180 on her while you are doing the 180 on her. It could be a rough and confusing ride for both of you. Prepare yourself.

Keep doing what you're doing, be the dad to your kids, the adult in the room. When she lashes out at you, say "I am sorry you feel that way" but don't engage when she's enraged

PS I bet she knew you told when she asked. OM told her.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:00 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

Oh, so I know that there is not 100% NC because they work together.

As long as there is contact, any contact, the A continues. As long as they work together they are still in the A!

On the other hand, your WW is NOT a good candidate fo R. Next step? Start the process of D and rid yourself of this mess.

She has shown you who she is. She has told you what she wants. If she was that angry at you for telling the other spouse then the affair is still active and you are not what she wants. Believe her. The worst thing you can do to her is to let him have her. The best thing you can do for you is to live well, with or without her. You don't have to burn her life and world down. She is doing a pretty good job all by herself. I do wish you well.

She has done absolutely nothing to show you that your marriage is more important than her relationship with the OM.

She left. Don’t try to get her to come home. Let her stew in a hotel somewhere and reflect on the damage she has caused.

I had a gut feeling that would happen at some point. So far, you have not described anything in terms of her actions that smack of even the tiniest hint of remorse. She is still 100% wayward in her heart; 100% in infidelity.

I agree with the others above. She already knew you told the OBS when she asked her leading questions. She did it that way because protecting the A is still more important than being honest with you. As I said, her default for over a year is to lie, sneak, and cheat. That will remain her default for some time. She will not flip overnight. She is still three steps ahead of you in this game, because she is still being conniving and dishonest (including throwing a little pussy your way to keep you off balance), while you are being honest and loving. She will always be ahead of you until you understand and accept that.

Stated another way, you are a barrier between her and the good thing she craves. Her mind is working 110 mph to figure out ways around, over, or through you. When she looks at you, she doesn't see you. She sees an unwanted object in between her and her desired place.

The point of this site is to get yourself out of infidelity. You have been hanging around in infidelity, hoping without reason that she might "wake up" magically and everything will return to normal.

That is not going to happen. Here is your current reality: she loves the A, and what it gives her, more than she loves you and her marriage to you. Now that the POSOM and his OBS are divorcing, it is quite likely she is pining for a future with him. By the way, a successful future with him is almost totally unlikely, but in her daydreams, that is where she probably sees herself.

You have good advice above. Get a lawyer. Start the D process. This process takes like a year or so. There is plenty of time for her to start showing remorse, and you to stop the process, if it comes to that.

Also, there is the family messaging. I told you to get in front of that so you are the first message to family, before her. You've lost that opportunity now, at least with your MIL. Now, the first message the MIL has heard is the message from your WW, which doubtless is casting this as you being a distant, controlling asshole who drover poor WW into the arms of another man, and then a controlling meddling asshole who is trying to embarrass her publicly.

You're probably too late to be the first message to the FIL also, but since he is your boss and since you are a key employee there, your career probably hinges on your next conversation with him. I would strongly suggest the "man to man" conversation that I described a few posts above.

Friend, my overall advice to you is to stop being passive. It's not a surprise that you are being passive. Most of us posters here are former BH's. We were passive. I did the "pick me dance" big time in my circumstance. I was pathetic. On the day I moved out, when my WWGF was in our shared house with her new BF and I was giving her my key, I was crying and kissing her and telling her she would always have the place in my heart and the ability to come back whenever she wanted. I was a soppy mess.

Don't be me. In your case, your job and livelihood is at stake.

On a small point, you mentioned that when you spoke to OBS, you had a ton of detail, including hotel receipts. How did you acquire all of that detail.?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:33 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

I would upvote every single reply if I could.

She works with him, you are still in infidelity. She gives you the minimum to keep you around while having her fairytale Prince Charming at work.

Next, you tell the OBS (which was a great move). All of the sudden her Prince Charming BF is not nice to her... Why? Because you told the OBS. How dare you break their love story??? Next she leaves, probably talking to her boyfriend trying to fix things, ignoring her annoying BH texts. Then she gets a call from her mom.... You forced her to expose her illicit love story! You are a hateful mean husband ruining her chances at true love! .... And this is Wayward thinking 101.

Your next move? You can’t reconcile with a spouse "in love" with someone else. She asked for D, call your lawyer.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:35 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

mrnicehockeyguy, I can't give you any advice that you haven't already heard. What a shitty situation.

How are you holding up though? Are you eating? Are you sleeping?

Please continue to take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water.

Stay away from the alcohol.

If you can't eat, then try a protein shake. This is pure hell.

See your dr. About depression or anxiety, although I'll tell you, as for myself, when I actually found out about what was really going on with my wife, my anxiety left me. I finally knew I wasn't crazy.

Someone else may have posted the advice that I just gave you.

I just wanted to remind you that YOU are the only one that can take care of mrnicehockeyguy!

Oh and you should probably keep the OBS informed, maybe the OM had to "take a walk" last night...

Dear mrnicehockeyguy,

The affair is still in effect as I mention in my earlier post. I do believe she is three steps ahead of you in her thinking and her implementation. She has left the marriage, and I would bet she is has discussed her next options with her AP and is seeing her attorney. My opinion are the following…

1.) Take the next two days off.

2.) Contact and meet your attorney and discuss your options ASAP.

3.) Meet with your in-laws and let them know the real story.

4.) Surround yourself with family and friends.

5.) Inform the OBS of the latest conversation with your WW

6.) The last option will get some push-back from some posters. Report the activities to the HR department of their employer.

7.) Start the 180 ASAP and move forward

Your WW has left the marriage and verbally told you she want a divorce. Remember, this is only my opinion

Good luck,

Bigheart

Next steps? Easy.

When they want to be with the other person, let them go. If she has moved out, file immediately. Press your advantage while you have it.

You deserve better.

I am surprised you have to ask that question. She wants a D. Oblige her.

She has shown you nothing that says she is interested in R. Her reaction tells you all you need to know. She is not interested in helping you heal from her A. She was only concerned in herself, protecting her lie. She wanted to rugsweep the A.

If you haven't contacted an attorney yet, do so immediately. Protect yourself.

Now that the POSOM and his OBS are divorcing, it is quite likely she is pining for a future with him.

It's too early to say whether the OBS will follow through with her threat to divorce. Certainly, I was all about divorcing on DDay when I confronted my own WH. Our kneejerk reaction isn't always reflective of the choice we eventually make. Anything can still happen here. Even if this is what's on the WW's mind, her AP might be all about trying to recover his home deal. That's something which would add toxicity to the affair dynamic as the WW pursues and the AP retreats.

For your purposes, Hockey, it's important to step back a little and take a clinical look. This is kind of like the way cockroaches scuttle when you turn the light on. There's not a whole lot of planning to it and it's not really an indicator of anything but frenzied flight. They're still pretty much locked into their fantasy life at this point and looking for ways not to disrupt it. They don't want to wake up. They're being forced to, and they don't like it.

What's more, their fantasies might not be the same. Your WW might have fantasized about starting a new relationship with the AP and monkey-branching right into a new life. His fantasy might have been about a guy who keeps his family life going but has a girlfriend on the side. We don't know yet. They're still scuttling. Give it some time. What you're seeing today might not be reflective of the truth.

Work your 180, and observe. Be a planning step ahead in case she really decides to push you on divorce.