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After 48 hours, WW is still super mad that I broke her trust by telling OBS.

Cheater logic is astounding. I guess your trust doesn't matter much.

Nice job on exposing this. Many live in fear (which is a liar) and sit around paralyzed which is the worst thing you can do.

Funny thing is I talked with the OBS again and we are so similar and get along so well...

I hope you are trolling. Why the trail off at the end? "get along so well..." and?

I’ll give a slightly different opinion on this one: You don’t need to reply with anything. She’s you STBXW and whatever she says doesn’t matter. She’ll continue to spew nonsense and you need to focus on your healing.

Block her on your phone. Tell her not to contact you anymore unless it has to do with the children and then, by emails. Written communications is better if she threatens you.

Don’t be Me nice guy, she doesn’t deserve it and you don’t need the aggravation of listening to her.

After 48 hours, WW is still super mad that I broke her trust by telling OBS.

... and is telling you that this is why she wants a divorce. This is very common on SI. Try to think about it rationally, she is cheating with a married coworker, having sex with him and refusing her husband but... it's the trust your broke by telling the OBS that has her unable to reconcile. Very messed up right?

You did the right thing in telling the OBS. This was never going to work with the two of them working together and the OBS oblivious to what was going on. You would have gone through a few more Ddays if you had tried to continue under her "rules".

Right now WW is probably being thrown under the bus by OM. He is probably trying to "fix" his own marriage and either ignoring her or telling her it's over (for now). Either way it's not the fantasy she had envisioned. THAT is what she is angry about.... but rather than blame OM or herself she is pushing all her anger at you. Your best bet right now is the 180 and moving forward even if you still hold a small hope to reconcile. She can't get her anger out if you seem fine with it and are moving forward. When she can't put the blame on you anymore she may realize where it should be placed...of course she may not but 180 and moving forward is your best bet right now.

She’s mad you broke HER trust!!!!

Does anyone else find this hilarious??

Typical cheater mentality BTW.

I hope you have started to tell both sides of the family of your WW behavior. You caught her cheating and that she is upset that you broke her trust..... what BS. Let her family deal with her after you tell them the truth. Your family can be a great source of suport for you also. IMO, I'd let friends know also. I'm an actions deserve consequences type of person. A lot of people say not to go to her HR department si center she wants to D. I am of the opinion, burn the bridges. If she loses her job, she is a doctor, has the ability to find another job at the same earning g potential so the argument of you having to pay support to her should go out the window.

See a few lawyers of the next couple of days. Think if your going to have an amicable or a contentious D. Look for references and comments on the lawyers your interviewing. Choose one that is going to be there for you and show you the way through the mind field of D. Learn all your rights , responsibilities, obligations, and expectations going forward. Wish you well on your journey out of infidelity.

I agree and echo all the sentiments being expressed about broken trust. Your WW is ridiculous beyond all comprehension.

I just wanted to add, I caught that little bit at the end of your post about your bonding with OBS. I strongly recommend that you not go there. You are both train wrecks right now, focus on your healing as a whole person. Allow her to do the same.

I agree with SMSA. Don't find solace with each other. You can share information but anything more would be detrimental, IMO, emotionally and might harm your negotiating power for the divorce.

I don't remember if you've covered your financial position. Would you be eligible for spousal support given that your WW is a doctor earning substantial income? Maybe you don't care but could that also give you negotiating power?

I just wanted to add, I caught that little bit at the end of your post about your bonding with OBS. I strongly recommend that you not go there. You are both train wrecks right now, focus on your healing as a whole person. Allow her to do the same.

I don't agree with this. You and OBS are both survivors of the same shit-storm. It's natural that you share an affinity, sort of like two survivors of a plane crash. Just be clear-eyed about what it is you share. You can exchange information, provide moral support and a listening ear. But you do have healing to do. Be careful not to use her as an anesthetic to your pain.

I think ShutterHappy makes an important point above. What is to be gained at this point from ongoing discussions/emails/talks or however you're communicating. Your WW is deep in the fog and certainly sounds a lot more interested in whether she can pry away her POSOM from the OBS. Let her have him. He sounds like a wonderful guy.

You're taking good care of yourself from what you've reported, shone some well-needed light on the situation for the OBS and begun the process with a lawyer. It's time to put your head down and get those papers filed. The only communication you should be having with your WW at this point is anything necessary involving your children and paying bills. The attorneys should be handling the rest.

Likewise, I echo the fair warning you've gotten about your in-laws: mine were understanding at first too when they found out their daughter was a serial cheater, but my oh my how things changed quickly. Turns out I'm the bad guy after all. Who knew?!

After another two weeks now since day. One month total.

A weekend apart form WW. Kids spent a lot of time with grandma. Me and WW are only talking about kids and logistics of live like groceries etc. we have agreed not to talk about relationship. She is going to sleep in the guest room.

The key indicator for me is that she is most concerned with her job. Not the marriage, not the kids, not our whole lives together, not even the affair! Her damn job.

Her job is the most important thing to her. Sad!

I'll continue to do the 180. Not sure how long I want to wait for her to wake up. Maybe she never will.

Don't delude yourself. She's a grown married woman and knows exactly what she's doing.

Most in your position want to think this just can't be them. They would never do this. That's called denial and won't help you at all. This is part of who she is. You may not want to see it but it's there.

All the planning, lying and hiding. It takes time and thought on her part. It just didn't happen.

Mrhockey

Until she actually starts working on the M and trying to repair the damage she has done you continue down the path of detachment which without a change from her current trajectory will lead to D. You can’t make her wake up realize what’s truly important.

The job shouldn’t be. The AP shouldn’t be. But right now those are 1&2 for her and you and the kids are Way down the list.

A Remorseful WW would be saying, “ I’ve f*cked up our lives. I’ve hurt you terribly. I will spend my life trying to repair it if you’ll have me. I’ve applied to 5 new jobs. Here are the applications. If I don’t have a new one in 4 weeks I’ll leave mine. In the meantime I’ll facetime you every lunch and I will find a female mentor at work to work with. I know you are hurt by this probably beyond repair, but if you’ll let me help you heal, I promise It will be worth your while. “

You have heard none of that. So don’t try and do the work for her. Keep on the path you are on. Get out of her cheating life and work to heal yourself. It’s the only way to go right now.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:44 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Does she seem like she is thinking clearly? Or in some sort of weird fog where the job is the only thing for her to fix?

Is there a real chance of her losing her job?

She gave up on the M a year ago, when she started the affair, maybe the job is her only anchor point left. If the family is gone and the OM tossed her under the bus (for now) the job is the last thing she thinks she can control.

I hope my commentary won’t hurt you... I believe she worries about her job because she looking at her future and you are not part of it.

It’s best to communicate in writing. If her narrative shows that she doesn’t care about h children, it might help you in court... A lawyer would be able to tell you.

Take care of yourself and your children

Not sure how long I want to wait for her to wake up. Maybe she never will.

I think she is awake, and she is concerned about her job because she will need to support herself after your divorce. Frankly you should be concerned about the same thing.

Friend, she has been checked out of your marriage for a long time. On your anniversary she openly denied you sex, told you to go to a bar, then phoned her sister to discuss her affair. Even after you confronted her, she again denied you.

Her messaging about her desire for you has been consistent since then. The only strong emotion she feels for you is anger over outing her to the OBS.

She is telling you, in clear and unambiguous terms, what she wants and feels.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:15 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Here's the thing. She is either not going to wake up or if she IS she is going to have to do A LOT to make you feel safe in the marriage. Waiting around and then folding at her first of hope isn't going to work or help. It's going to bring you more and more D-days with the same other another man.

Your best chance at getting out of infidelity is to do the 180 and keep moving forward with the divorce. Waiting around is only going to establish a new normal for you... and prolong the limbo. It's going to take her believing she is about to lose everything to wake her up if she is indeed in a sort of fog. If she knows and doesn't care what she is about to lose, the marriage never had a chance anyway. This isn't about you not doing enough it's about her being a broken person.

She thinks there is something wrong with her and that she is a horrible person.

She is. You're almost there - serve her with the divorce documents and get ready to move on with your life.

You will be so much better off without her.

Mr. Hockey, any updates?

Today's update:

The WW and I are only talking about kids and household topics and barely that.

I called the lawyer and told her to draw up divorce paperwork and to let me know what documents are needed. I calculated that I can afford to stay in the house without her financially.

I've talked to the OBS and we both think that WW and OM deserve each other and should go for it.

I had another IC session, have still been eating healthy, exercising and taking care of business at work and home.

I'm beginning to envision a new life in my future...