NiceGuy,
I'm kinda late to this thread. Sorry you're still going through this.
As I understand your wife had an affair with a married Colonel decades ago.
You found out and it ended because he dumped her.
You choked down your feelings because you loved (love) this woman and wanted to protect your family.
You thought this was way back in the rear view mirror, then 5 years ago she prepares a birthday card for him, written in her own hand. Never sent, but all you have is her word that she wouldn't have sent it and that she hasn't been in periodic contact with him before or since.
Also, like most players, when he's done, he's done. On to the next conquest. Lather, rinse, repeat.
However, she behaves like an 'Alpha Widow'...a woman who was with what was in her mind an Alpha male and, although she doesn't mean a thing to him, still pines for him.
You've gotten no closure or assurances from her and she never discussed the affair even after all these years.
Am I right?
Okay, I get you don't want to divorce. It's expensive and painful and, even when the parties agree on things, you give up half or more of everything you've worked for.
You have no debt and the courts and lawyers would be licking their chops at all your assets. I totally get it.
But my question is:
Has she ever faced any consequences?
You may have answered this and I'm sorry for being repititious. You never told your kids or your congregation about what happened so she never faced the music.
I'd advise you consider telling the kids and maybe some close family and friends...WITHOUT WARNING HER.
I get the early stages when your kids were young, but they're grown now. You'd only be protecting them from the truth...at your continued expense.
I feel the only reason she still pines, despite what your couselor says about her 'hating' him, is that it never smacked her in the face. She always had you shielding her and was confident in her position.
In the early stages, did you fear she would leave you for him or just divorce you? I don't think that's a concern now. I think she's very reputation-conscious and, once exposed, will move heaven and earth to get her 'good-girl' credentials back. Hopefully, this would mean she'd be open, honest and show true remorse and empathy.
Besides, she'd have more to lose in a divorce than you anyway. Would she be able to live the lifestyle you have now without you? Even if you had to pay alimony the financial drain would cause a serious hit on both your lifestyles. I don't think divorce would be an option for her, even if she was otherwise all for it.
You're only 70 years old. Worst case scenario, if you are in fairly good shape and are otherwise heathy there are lots of women (younger) who'd show you an interest with whom you could spend your time and your wife knows it. (Women talk) I doubt she, at her age has the same options.
So, no. She won't leave and I think she'll finally put her efforts and emotions where they should have been all along.
Whatever you decide, I wish you all the luck in the world.
If she tries that religions stuff again, hit her with this verse:
Matthew 18:15-18
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
Good luck!
[This message edited by hatefulnow at 4:02 AM, October 19th (Monday)]
