SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just now read through this thread and I just wanted to let you know that I did have to leave in the middle of the night with my kids and just what I could fit into my car. My Ex was barricaded in the house with a handgun threatening to shoot me and the kids.

I took them to a battered woman's shelter. We stayed there for almost a month. We could have stayed longer, but my family helped us out.

While we were in the shelter I and my children got free counseling to deal with what we'd been through and what we were going through. It was the first time I realized that I was actually a battered woman. I'd fought against that title for so very long but I finally saw that it truly WAS me. I also saw that domestic violence and emotional abuse cross ALL socio-economic boundaries. There were society women in the shelter with me as well as poor women and everything in between. We ranged in age from 17 - 70. All with varying levels of physical and psychological damage.

A shelter will help you with whatever you need. Food, clothing, a job, a place to live, social services, whatever. They will help you find a way to support your children. The BEST thing for me? The location was secret. There was no way for my Ex to find us and make me pay for running away. He was never able to abuse me or intimidate me again.

It's been 10 years. I and my kids are still dealing with the damage of all the years of psychological torture he put me/us through. You may think you are protecting your kids from him and you may think that since he isn't directly abusing them that he isn't hurting them. You are wrong. Kids see, hear, sense and SMELL the poison his is emitting. They will pay the price.

Please, please look into your local shelter. You can call them and ask them any question you want about their services and what they can do to help you. Please take this step. You will never regret it. I know I don't.

(((((HUGS))))) to you.

I sent the underwear out to forensics. H already has a horrible attitude. :(

That is because you called his bluff. He might have acted like he wanted you to send them but that was just to keep you off balance.

"You just want my money, you're not attracted to me, me, me!!!"

And what are you to him? His maid/housekeeper/nanny/sexual release/emotional punching bag......

Here is the basic question(s), and think hard before you answer them.

Are you afraid of him? Of his reactions? Do you change who you are because of the reaction he may have? Is there some things you just. don't. say. because you know what the results will be? Are you allowed to be a grown up? Are you allowed to be yourself? Do you want to live like this forever?

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:15 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]

Are you afraid of him? Of his reactions? Do you change who you are because of the reaction he may have? Is there some things you just. don't. say. because you know what the results will be? Are you allowed to be a grown up? Are you allowed to be yourself? Do you want to live like this forever?

No, I'm not afraid of him physically.

Yes, I have changed who I am because of his reactions. I've been invited to hang out with one of my son's friends moms, but I haven't gone because I know he won't sit with the kids.

Are there things I just don't say? Probably, but I tend to fight with words. I let him know how I feel and how this makes me feel.

I'm not who I was when I married him, but 1. I wasn't a grown up when I got married, I was 16 and 2. My personality changed, but is it because of him or because I am older and would have changed anyway?

As a 15/16 year old kid I was always easy going, I had tons of friends so that was never a problem like it is now. I was looked up to by other kids my age, I was copied(A true sign of admiration in a teens world) I could go on.

As an adult I feel that I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. I have no friends, I don't feel special, I'm not proud of who I am a lot of the time. I think that I've been "hobbled". I don't know who I am anymore.

Do I want to live like this forever? I don't know any other way to live.

I'm having a horrible day. I'm crying I'm not having a strong day.

My personality changed, but is it because of him or because I am older and would have changed anyway?

Honey, a change from this -

As a 15/16 year old kid I was always easy going, I had tons of friends so that was never a problem like it is now. I was looked up to by other kids my age, I was copied(A true sign of admiration in a teens world) I could go on.

To this -

As an adult I feel that I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. I have no friends, I don't feel special, I'm not proud of who I am a lot of the time. I think that I've been "hobbled". I don't know who I am anymore.

Is NOT a normal progression of personality as one ages. His abuse HAS impacted you and the way you feel about yourself. Can you see that? Because once you see that, you have to acknowledge that he could have the same impact OR WORSE on your kids' development.

(((((itsovernow)))))

I let myself fall into the same trap, and in the end H hated me for it. He'd fallen in love with someone much different than who I became, but that was more my responsibility than his.

Access the bank accounts. Find out how much money has been coming in and going out. It might be that the bills are soaking up most everything. It might be that he's been spending/saving money that you don't know about.

If there's money to spend, use some on yourself and the kids. YOU decide whether you do that. You might be worried about his reaction and whatnot, but you're still the one making your choices.

When the baby is old enough for you to feel comfortable, get a job outside the home. Even if it just pays for daycare. You need to be around more people. That's the thing coming out more than anything - you're isolated, like too many sahms become. Only you can change that for yourself, hon.

Your H sounds like a complete A-hole.

I did take a look at the photos and IMHO the material and color is about right for red construction chalk, just FYI.

TR

I must admit that Wikipedia's definition of Gaslighting sounds like it was written about me!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

He constantly tells me he didn't say something that I know he said 5 minutes before. I'll say something about the past when he used to hit me or other things and he'll tell me it never happened.

One time when I was about 17, we were arguing and I wanted to run away. It was freezing out and I ran outside and hid under the porch. He came by and he found me after calling for me. When he found me he kicked me with his black steel toed boots(I'll never forget those) and told me I could stay under there like the "troll I was". This was really traumatic to me, but he denies it. He was ultra abusive back then. It was about the same time and he said that he was having some friends over and that he wanted me to go to the closet and stay in there while they were over. They never came over, thankfully. He said that never happened. He threw a religious candle at me and it broke and cut my arm, (age 18) He kicked me in the right side in the front yard by the mail box. My mom called the police and he went to jail, but I denied the charges so he could get out(age 18) Stupid me. I had at least one broken rib because it wiggled and was painful for a while. He denies that. He would back hand me, kicked me and threw me around while I was pregnant at 18. I will never forget the humiliation of being kicked in the rear end and falling over when I was like 7 months pregnant. He then threw the laundry basket on top of me. I think the most disturbing of all the incidents(too many to even say) was when I was 17. We moved to Florida for a short time and he used to get angry at me if he thought I was looking at someone. I hated going to the beach because no matter where I looked, there was people. I never was looking at anyone. He argued with me all the time. One night, Halloween '94 he took the shot gun and pointed it at my head. I was screaming and scared to death. He kept saying he was going to kill me that was it. I don't remember if the gun was loaded or not but I thought I was dead. He denies this

!! That hurts so bad that he doesn't remember this or that he remembers it but denies it.

I have since then doubled my age. I'm 34 now. I honestly can assure you he hasn't hit me in about 9-10 years. However, looking back, I think I'm traumatized. He says that even if this stuff happened, it was so long ago it doesn't matter. I disagree because I was with him during some of my formative years. I was still a child. This was child abuse. I really am traumatized. The more I talk about it and think about it, I realize that I may need to talk with someone, not just about marriage, but about the stuff that has gone on a lifetime ago.

(((itsovernow)))

Yes, you should talk to someone. He is dangerous.

One night, Halloween '94 he took the shot gun and pointed it at my head.

If I recall, that's a 3-year prison sentence in FL if convicted.

He's different now. Its been so long since that incident and so long since he hit me.

I believe that he psychologically abuses me, lies to me, and plays head games with me. Maybe its because no one can see those things. It also seems to have more of an affect on me then the physical abuse had.

I should have kept running that night. I ran out the door after that and down the street, and he got scared and started being apologetic, only to ask me where I was running to(a guys house is what he was thinking). I never knew anyone, he made sure of that.

(((itsovernow)))

Goodness sweetie you really are unearthing a lot of horrible stuff. It sounds like you have been concealing it inside you for a long time.

My XH used to do abusive things (though not to the extent you went through), and it was like he suffered amnesia. Just because he won't or can't admit it doesn't mean it didn't happen OR won't happen again.

Please get some help. You and your kiddos are worth it. You just might find the rest of your life can be happy and fulfilling in ways you never knew!

I believe that he psychologically abuses me, lies to me, and plays head games with me. Maybe its because no one can see those things. It also seems to have more of an affect on me then the physical abuse had.

After what you have been through it's probably hard to sort out what is personality and what is abuse, KWIM?

Have you ever read this? (please excuse the site name)- http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

This is the first time in my life that I felt ok about sharing it. I had been thinking about it a lot lately and it dawned on me that even though I was married, I was still a child and his way of life was put on me, if that makes any sense. He is almost 40.

Keep digging, you are doing great. We all can come on like a bulldozer and if someone is not ready they are not ready. But if it at all starts to get you to think about things, to re examine what kind of abusive situation you are in then thats all we can do for you right now.

My WS at the time was not physically abusive but my IC at the time really made me look back at how our relationship started and what it was like and I too started to admit to things and started to uncover some pretty bad things that I had closed down inside my head, treatment I wanted to forget about but kept is so far under that it took awhile to get it to surface. My IC at the time probably thought I was crazy as I would usually email him 2 or 3 days after an app't, when I was able to admit or think about some subject we had talked about and I would write and write and write...it was like so cathartic to just spew it all out...he would respond back with 1 or 2 sentences but it was a great way to just unleash things I needed to get out.

I think IC for you would be great, I had to face these things to be able to move on with my life and I think you need someone to help you along also. But be careful...your WS sounds like the type to not want you to get educated. He likes you to feel "less then" and have no friends. Then no one can take you away from him. Typical abuser mentality.

This man has completely isolated you so he'd have complete control... He is a control insecure man.....this is probably why he's kept you pregnant too...., I'm gald you found SI......I second what another poster said... Once you are no longer breast feeding find some type of work outside the house, I'm not sure hos you survived this long, oh wait I know why, bc you are very strong....

Something else thought about the stain may be the caulk/chalk or whatever... He could have pulled his underwear down for a blow job, my ex never wanted anything on him...he took underwear, pants, & shirt off just for a BJ....,so your ex maybe right its not lipstick but it doesn't meant a woman didn't suck his cock....

Take care.

I'm proud of you for sharing all of the horrid abuse you have endured. Keep sharing. I will keep telling you that you are strong and to dig deep, believe in yourself. This man is not a man. A man doesn't EVER treat a woman like this. You deserve more and better. Your children deserve better, so much better. He has beaten you down and now you don't believe in yourself at all and that's what he wants. It's all to keep you in line, submissive, afraid, and property. I'm a mom of three young children. You deserve to go out and socialize and be a human. Your husband really pisses me off. Bottom line is he is really fucking out of line! You do not deserve this shit!!!!

Big hugs and keep posting.

Girl, they make movies on the Women's Channel about situations like yours! This guy's behavior is classic abuser. He's controlling every aspect of your life. Refusing to sit the kids so you can have some time for yourself? His actions are right out of the abusive husbands hand book, "How to totally destroy the person you married and remold them into your simpering slave." He can't get away with breaking anymore ribs or manhandling a pregnant woman without going to jail so he's decided to beat you to death verbally and emotionally! I wish you could be in our shoes reading your postings. See the change in your life from pre-husband to now! It's TERRIBLE how you are going through life. (if you can call it that)

He is psychologically unstable and DANGEROUS to you AND your kids! He will not change and will only get worse with time.

PLEASE, take the advice here and get to a secure women's shelter. I don't want to read about you in the news!

a question...how does his father treat his mother?

[This message edited by cuckhold at 3:46 PM, May 25th (Friday)]

He's different now. Its been so long since that incident and so long since he hit me.

he doesn't have to...he's already scared you into submission with physical threats and then moved on to the ever-effective emotional abuse to make sure you know your place and that you are lucky to have someone like him who doesn't hit you anymore. plus it's harder to get arrested for words than blows.

(((itsovernow))))

my heart breaks for you. this isn't living and this isn't who you are.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 3:49 PM, May 25th (Friday)]

ION,

Why are you with him? Just because you don't know how to leave?