SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Knightsbff..I agree completely. I am not sure why, yet. But to have the two women I admire most, slap some sense into me. Meant a lot, especially since they figuratively held my hand at the same time.

Right now I want to call IC and book her for 2 weeks straight, 24 hours and seven days. What ever it takes. Possible..nope, but a girl can dream.

I struggled with joining here. I had joined another sight previously. That sight shall remain nameless, because for almost a month, the advice I got was to not tell him anything. Everyone said if you love him, do this say that. Well look what that got me.

I totally expect his behavior to change. I know this morning could be and is likely a fluke. But god damn he is awesome. I have been the worst class A....insert what ever you want to call me. But that totally awesome SOB, made me my favorite f'ing breakfast, even after everything I have said and done to him. I screwed up more than you can ever know. I know why, know I have to figure out how and what caused it.

I am sorry if I seem like a spaz today. I didn't get much sleep and was expecting a lonely hang over day. But even after one of the toughest nights of my life and after everything I have made him suffer. He made me crepes. Sound so stupid I know, but today is maybe one of the best days of my life.

Year before last, I would have "expected" and probably arranged and demanded something special for MY (mothers) day. I am selfish and entitled ya know....Last year I was having an affair and blaming him for every bad decision I made. This year, well I was a whiny and spoiled brat who didn't get exactly what she wanted and pouted. This mothers day my family was separated and I was and still am broken, but I'm working on it. After all that shit...he made me f'ing crepes (seriously bawling here)

Wow..ok. I promise to watch my "language". (No more f'ing crepes) Is there a swear jar in wayward forum, I owe a lot today.

I had to start one at home DD started saying "crap, shit and hell." Got to love public schools. Cause seriously, she didn't get it from me.

I haven't looked back through the thread to see yet but have you purchased and started reading any books yet?

Yes I have. Not just friends, Surviving an affair and Affair proof your marriage.

But reading and posting here has probably helped the most. After d day I almost acted like a BS. I checked his phone, email and browser history. I checked phone and bank records. I saw he was looking here and some other sites. When I saw how much he was reading, I started to get an idea of how badly he was hurting. When I saw he joined and made his first post, my heart sank. I always knew I had changed our relationship forever, but seeing it typed out for everyone to see was difficult. Swat is normally a very private person and for him to put himself out there and admit his feelings was heart breaking. Before joining I read everything he posted and am ashamed I now know I used some of it to sway him. Again manipulating people...I am working on that.(I promise) Swat has been honest with me since day one and has told me how he feels most of the time, it was "I'm fine or I'll be alright" I could see he was struggling, but he never let on how badly. His first few posts in his last thread (OM wins) scared me. For the first time in my life, I thought there was something he couldn't handle and he was going to hurt himself. I could literally feel his pain.

I'm a more touchy feely kind of person and reading how people feel tends to have a bigger effect on me than, "clinical" this is what bs will be feeling talk. If that makes any sense?

It makes perfect sense. I have had to use a lot of my reading to figure myself out though. That for me has been much more difficult than "getting it", meaning understanding that I caused knight more pain than he has ever felt or ever thought he could feel in his entire life.

I would also recommend, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair".

And then really turn your focus inward to figure out what allowed you to give yourself permission to cheat. That's tough. And fixing it takes going even deeper which is even tougher.

So Swat suggested that while the kids are out of school.(weekend) We should be together as a family. But evenings I will be staying at my parents. We haven't discussed exactly what and when we tell the kids about our separation. He said he is going to need some time alone.

Today after church there was a short memorial service for police officers. Swat was in a dress uniform and looked very nice. There are a lot of officers that work with BH that attend our church. I was kind of upset because there was a woman flirting with him. I don't know her and she is younger than me. The good thing is he was clueless she was flirting. Or at least he ignored her flirting, I'm not sure.

We went to my parents for dinner and we went home. The kids got ready for bed and are upstairs getting a story. I'll be leaving soon. I'm not sure if I should mention her or not.

I was kind of upset because there was a woman flirting with him

Why did this upset you?

I know it shouldn't upset me, but it does. I know that I ruined our marriage, but seeing him even though it is innocent does hurt. He is honorable and I know he would never do anything to hurt me or the kids, but I cheated on him. He may never forgive me and that is something I have to live with.

But I know there are people that we know that are pushing him to divorce me. They know we are separated and think he should be dating.