SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Deserta, good advice. I used that almost word for word. I told her that IF I even decide to work through this with her that any lie, no matter how small would result in immediate divorce, and that each day she is honest will delay my decision another day.

She has agreed to show me the house. Still have to do it though.

I think I'm going to FB the OBS after my 1st IC session in an hour or so. Although from her FB wall, she is not all that active. I'm sure she'll get the FB msg soon enough though.

I also like the idea of writing it down in timeline format.

& as you guys have advised, I will not send him his own dick pick back

Also, she had told her sister we were getting divorced (when I had made the hard stance), she came by to comfort her. She only told her half the truth though, just the sexting. I told her that that was BS, bc she only told half the truth, so she'd only be half as embarrassed. I told her she needs to tell her sister the whole story & own it. I did let her know that I told my parents everything, & that we weren't going to lie to anyone about what happened. She's agreed to talk to her sister & give her the rest of the truth (how far it really went). I'll be checking with my sister in law afterwards to make sure.

Part of me now feels like I've been too harsh / not forgiving enough to this person who has been my wife/best friend/lover for 10 yrs.

upsidedown1

Is she really that person? Would that person do what she did to you? With friends like that you don’t need enemies.

You’re so young. You need to divorce her and start over. Your lawyer is right. Tell the other man’s wife as soon as the divorce is final.

If your wife is smart she will get pregnant. Please, please use condoms.

Someone referred me to "Walloped"s thread.

In that thread someone Eric1, was telling him how easy it was to retrieve deleted texts and emails from his WW's iPhone. Can anyone shed any light on this for me?

I HAVE managed to setup the 'find my friends' on her phone to show me her gps location 24/7. I also purchased an iPad last night, set it up with her iCloud info, so now I see all iMessages that she sends/receives, as well as phone calls she makes/receives as long as she's at work. (She's on the wifi there.) Between this and the phone records, I can see just about everything. Also thoroughly went through the phone for other communications apps (skype, snapchat etc), there were none. She seems to be being more honest now, and has been trying to comfort me, but sometimes I'm just too angry & lash out at her... Any advice to get that under control?

Greywolf; yes I see now that I certainly haven't been "too harsh on her". I AM trying to deal with this as best I can though. Any constructive advice or constructive criticism is certainly welcome.

& yes, half of the time I AM thinking, I'm only 32, no kids etc, should I get out now?

But it is hard to end a relationship I've been in for ~10 yrs.

Am I just being 'too scared' of divorce?

But it is hard to end a relationship I've been in for ~10 yrs.

upsidedown1

Your "relationship" will never be the same no matter what you do. Your wife had no trouble ending it. In fact she had a great time doing it.

Once the divorce is final send the other man the photo of his dick with the caption: “The word on the street is that this doesn’t work very well.”

[This message edited by Graywolf at 11:31 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

I do understand that it wasn't what I thought it was, & will never be the same.

How do you know she has told you everything?

IMO, since dday while she was trying to minimize she contacted OM to match version in case of you reaching her wife.

I believe you need to ask her to take a poly (you don’t have to do it, but tell her you will) and if she fails it you are gone for good. You should tell her that you are going to ask for previous affairs as well.

IMO you should give her a day or 2 to come totally clean, after that line any new discovery is a deal breaker.

Friends, coworker, etc, that known what was going on, enabled, or at least know before you, need to be gone for good like yesterday.

I'm only 32, no kids etc, should I get out now?

But it is hard to end a relationship I've been in for ~10 yrs.

That of course is up to you and how things evolve.

Many times after an affair, the marriage can be far better, mainly because openness, trust and communication improves.

But if those things do not happen, then staying married is a problem. Your wife needs to figure out the why so it never happens again.

And it will take a hell of a long time to fully trust her again if you ever do. That is the hard part, you will never ever forget the feelings you have been going through and looking back at the lies you have been told. And that applies to any woman you end up with...because this causes damage and you will always wonder when she goes shopping or anything that might trigger you.

Most WSs have no idea of the long term damage they cause, and it is mainly the huge deception and the lying.

Well, took councilors advice, called him up, no answer. Called up the wife, told her, she must've confronted him immidiately, he called me, said he's on his way here to kill me...

What now?

Call the cops?

Jesus...

I would call the cops and explain the situation.... and give them his number....

Call the police. Tell them the truth. Your wife has been having an affair with OM, you told his wife, and he called you telling you he was coming to kill you.

The chances that he is actually coming over are pretty small. But..he might. Either way, call the police. They will make a report, and they will tell him to stay away.

You did the right thing telling his wife.

It always amazes me how these cheaters get caught, then try to blame everyone else around them for their actions. He's been fucking your wife..and he's mad that you made a phone call to his wife?? Fuck that noise.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:18 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

You did the right thing by telling her. I am so proud of you! That was one of the kindest things that woman will ever experience in her lifetime, someone (you) giving her the freedom and truth in her life, and a chance to control her life.

Now go call the police and get a restraining order against this miserable excuse for a homo sapiens!

WW will be home any minute. I wonder if she has any idea. Kind of think the OBS was going to call HR on them...

If she gets fired am I going to owe her support?

Have a VAR on you in case ww decides to get physical or threaten you or call the cops.

I'm not sure what it's like in all 50 states and around the world, but in many countries, alimony is based on earning potential, so even if she'll pehaps lose this job, she'll still have the same earning potential. Also, some countries take into account the reason for losing the job, i.e. if the spouse asking for alimony lost the job of his own guilt, he's less likely to get alimony. HOWEVER, you really should talk to your lawyer who has knowledge of the law and case-law in your state.

I would like to point out that even if this will temporarily hurt you financially, I think it was well worth it. Your dignity and integrity of knowing you shined a beacon of justice and compassion into OM's wife's life and that you didn't become complicit in the betrayal by not telling her, your saving her from unknown exposure to STDs,..., are all worth much much much more than any potential financial hit from this. Again, man, I'm so proud of you. Like they say, all it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. You did something, you did the right thing! The world needs people who do the right things!

Best wishes!

You did the right thing. And the OM is a loser. Threatening you? Really? Just pathetic. If he gets anywhere near your home or you, call the cops. And keep your temper. No matter how satisfying it would be to kick this dickhead's ass for him, please don't.

Well, took councilors advice, called him up, no answer. Called up the wife, told her, she must've confronted him immidiately, he called me, said he's on his way here to kill me...

What now?

Call the cops?

Call the police and have a report filed, this has to be on official record.

You are saying the OM called you and is on his way to kill you...for what reason will he kill you?

Call the police now and get a report filed, it will come in very handy later on.

It's pretty rare that a man who is clearly in the wrong (he's cheating) will come to YOUR home to confront you. It just doesn't usually work this way. Likely it's all talk - you'll fill us in on that later.

Look, we grow and we learn in life. You've spent 10 years with this woman - most of them probably good. Now she has betrayed you horribly and this scar will be with your for the rest of your life. Looking at her every day prolongs the images of her fucking him and the trauma of this betrayal. Take the good from your experiences with her and leave the bad behind. Move forward and live your life without this albatross hanging around your neck.

Hope you are ok. Tough day. File OOP against OM.

Generally speaking, if they are calling to make threats over the phone, they aren't coming. I hope you called the police and they documented this threat. Leaving a paper trail will help you in the future.

Thankfully no one came to kill me last night... Can't believe I'm typing that one. How quickly my life has gone to shit.

I did opt not to call the cops & file. If I'm being honest here, I also threatened him while on the phone, said something like; 'if I hear he even so much as looks at my wife, I'm coming down there to end him'. His was a much more direct threat, like, I'm coming to kill you, but w/e.

My WW, was pretty shocked I called them both. Think she was surprised I was able to track down the OBS, (it's ALL on the Internet). She Freaked out when she realized I had to call the lady at work, but told her I didn't do this, she did.

She took a long drive (I followed her) she was on her phone the whole time with her sister (I checked the phone), but as I'm driving around following her to see where she's going to go (she really did just drive around to clear her head / talk to sister) I'm just thinking; "wow, I've got some white trash guy whose been fucking my wife, calling me up to say he's going to kill me, bc I told his wife... And I'm following my wife like a crazy person " The whole thing felt very "jerry springer-ish" and I'm not sure I want to live like this.. It's crazy. And I don't want to live life in 'detective mode' forever either..

The counselor I saw is very "marriage friendly", and I wonder if that skews the advice he gave / will give me.

Anyway, very eventful day yesterday... Was gross to hear OM's voice on the phone... Felt bad when telling OBS (bad for her), but thank you all for the support on that front.

Leaning towards divorce again... Wondering if I've just been trying to avoid it to being scared of divorce / starting over. I don't think many couples would make it through all this (I'm sure some have)