SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I assume you have done lots of reading here on this site?

If you did you will have noticed that the indecisive men get trampled on... keep going back for more... and then wonder why they get treated like crap. To be honest venting here, while it might be a feel good for you to get it off your chest and have people offer support its has little value if you do not take the advice given by those who have been through what you are going through.

On the other side of the scale, men who take prompt action to salvage pride and self respect almost always have the WW running back with all sorts of excuses and pleas....albeit a loss of a partner, they are able to have a form of personal victory.

I read your narratives and while I am really sorry you are going through this, I cant help but wonder.. perhaps this is why a lot of women cheat.!.. ie they get no leadership and boundaries set and upheld from the man who should be doing this. Don't get me wrong this is not a violation of your marriage... and no fault of yours... but its seems pretty standard for men who are unable to stand tall and make claim to the respect that they are due. I may get some stick for saying this.. but like many others here I find it strange that you would put up with being disrespected by a cold hearted person and not stand up for yourself.

I think your kids would need to see this from your as well... that daddy is not merely mommy whipping boy who just keeps coming back for more.

A man need not be a bully and get physical, but boldness in mind is conveyed in the way you speak and body language .. and can easily send messages of confidence and prowess. Small victory .. YES but wars are won in these small battles.

I cannot express how grateful I am to all of y'all for your advice and support. You're right - playing the "victim" card is not a good hand to play. I don't want to do that - that is exactly what my wife does - she plays the "victim" card all the time - she was sexually abused as a child on multiple occasions, her mother had 5 kids to 5 different men, and she accuses me of "abusing" her because I occasionally take kratom for my anxiety. She calls me a "druggie" as a result, and she tells me that I abuse her all the time. Admittedly, when I found out about the divorce I punched a hole through the door of our bedroom. I was pissed beyond pissed, but I would never even consider hitting her. She claims that emotionally abuse her and she justifies her actions that way. I admit I, in the past, have called her bad names - "bitch," and I yelled at her about how horrible and controlling she is - or rather I screamed it to her face, but those days are over. As I mentioned I have recorded each argument we have had over the past year just to prove that I refuse to raise my voice to her or call her names as I used to. But she literally uses the past to justify her affair. I never cheated on her, nor would I ever - in fact, I was a virgin when I married her. I'm not perfect, but I truly try to do what's right. But, yes, I need to finally grow some balls - I have made the decision to move on and divorce her. It must happen because I know she will verbally rip me apart again in the near future if she feels like it, and I will again just take it without yelling back like always, but I will stand strong and just get those papers filed. I have spoken to a divorce attorney - I mean, as an attorney myself I have a different expertise than family law, but I know the repercussions of the division of property. My children, whom I love with all of my heart and soul know I love them. They even tell me - "why is mom so mean?" or "Why do you put up with her controlling everything?" This shit is real - I must admit it's not easy to admit, but I've made my decision. THANK YOU ALL.

Glad you are getting out of infidelity.

You deserve better.

Do not back down.

you are not in R. She is not remorseful at all.

Get out for good.

Dang man, I feel for you. My situation has some similarities to yours with the kids and all. I gave my WW a seconds chance and I think it has been in vain. Being a doormat is no joy ride, and neither is being s**t on by the one you loved/trusted the most.

Take the wheel and do what you need to do FOR YOU and the kids. We can only become stronger when we put our foot down and say “Enough is enough”. Don’t let her steer your ship any longer. Prayers to you

Sorry you are in this situation, but I'm glad you've made the decision to remove yourself from it.

Your STBXWW blames you for everything in order to justify herself, her actions, etc. As long as you are the cause of all of her problems, she (in her mind) is still a good person. It is her reality. It is definitely time for you to stop living in it.

Congratulations on taking the first steps in starting your new life. It won't be easy, but it will definitely be an improvement. Things will improve, to start with, by subtraction, by removing that negative from your life.

I hope you have the balls to stick to your decision to divorce.

Your kids are adversely being affected by your toxic marriage as evidenced by their questions to you about their Mom's behavior.

If the affair and spitting in your face is not enough for you to take action, the future of your kids should be.

And they shall be led by the children.

Lawman I grew up with LDS kids and I know a little bit more about the Mormon church than do most layman.

I can tell you that there is not a bishop worth his salt who would refuse you a cancellation based on her actions. Your WW is a vile person. She is an abuser. You are an abused husband.

Send a letter to your bishop that you will be requesting the sealing cancellation process immediately after your civil divorce is finalized.

Hey lawman. I've read your thread and just wanted to say that when your WW is abusing you, she's abusing the children too; they are witnesses to the abuse. I think that filing for D and having her served is a good idea. Her reaction to being served should tell you whether she's worth saving or not. I think it's great that you're not screaming back at her. I do wonder if, rather than just taking it, if you show her the door every time she flies off the handle. Perhaps if you were to say in a sincere helpful way, "If this environment is stressing you, then you can choose to leave."; "The door is open and no one is stopping you from removing yourself from this obviously terrible place."; "Do you need help packing?"; etc. You've probably already been informed about implementing the 180, found in the Healing Library on this site. Keep you wits about you and you'll make it through this. Remember that you are the prize, not her. Sorry about your situation.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 4:37 PM, April 30th (Monday)]

It is so interesting - I NEVER wanted to consider myself an "abused" husband. During some of her rants, she ripped me apart for being a p***y, and she constantly tells me that I abuse her. I began to believe it. I mean, when I told her that I don't abuse her, she pointed to the door with a hole in it (which I have now since replaced) - because yes, I did punch a hole in the door when I found out about the affair. I know we all respond differently to finding out about an affair, but is it really that odd to punch a door? To my wife it is....she reminds me about how I used to scream at her, call her a c**t, a b***h, which I am ashamed to admit I used to do during our arguments over the years. Thinking back, I know I should not have ever used that language to her no matter what, but the in-the-moment justification is that she indeed WAS acting like those things. But, as I said, I don't do that anymore at all. The last time she screamed at me, which, incidentally was my birthday last week, she screamed, "You are a f**k up! Nobody wants you, all you do is f**k everything up! You can't do anything for our family...." and so forth. Then, she came up to my face and spit in it. I recorded everything (not filmed, though). But I literally just stood there, looking down at the ground with tears in my eyes, then I shut the door of my office while she was still screaming at me and I went to sleep. I feel so bad even mentioning this to y'all because I do not want to play "victim"....all I want to do is let others know what I'm dealing with.

Hey lawman. We're hear to help, not to judge. The 180 will help you to deflect the hurt from her words. It may be helpful to keep in mind that she's get mental issues. You're dealing with someone who has a severe psychosis. When you're more clinical about someone's behavior, it allows you to be a bit more impersonal and the attacks have less mental impact on you.

You're relationship reminds me somewhat of my relationship with my ex. For years we both went at each other verbally and physically during arguments. Over time, however, I decided that I didn't like being that way so I started changing. My ex never changed. And as I changed I saw who and what she really was and her verbal confrontations had less and less effect on me. They were just a sign of an individual who wouldn't make the effort to become a better person. It was really kind of sad in a way. Of coarse, she then decided to have a another affair which put our marriage to an end; but that's another story.

It's not a shame to be beaten down by your WW. The shame is when you don't wake up to what's happening. It sounds like you're waking up and that means that her behavior is losing it's control over you. Knowledge of what's going on in your marriage gives you all of the control. She now only has the control that you give her.

Have you ever seen the movies where the husband or boyfriend is calm and collected while the girlfriend or wife is mentally going off of the rails? Or where the teenager is rolling their eyes at the parent who's losing it? That guy or teenager is you now. You have knowledge; you can choose to be the calm collected partner now. Indifference is the key to deflecting her attacks.

Ok.

Decision made?

Calculate your move carefully now. Keep your cards close to you and let it be a complete shock to her.

You have allowed yourself top be manipulated and thus will need to have your wits about you to ensure she doesn't swindle her way out of this. I did not put my finger on it before.. but certainly... you are literally a victim of abuse... and so are your kids. Its terrible. I think they will need counselling all the same.

Your kids need you to get this victory and demonstrate your strength. They need to see what is acceptable in life and what is not.. or they turn out to reciprocate similar behaviour.

You may have been weak ... but not anymore.

Just so you know... punching a hole in the door is ok... at least you didn't punch her.

Continue to be calm and collected and pls do use the phrases someone suggested below:

"If this environment is stressing you, then you can choose to leave."; "The door is open and no one is stopping you from removing yourself from this obviously terrible place."; "Do you need help packing?"

Well she may spit in your face again... but you will have the advantage over the abuser soon enough.

No more victim mentality. The complaining phase is over. Now you need to act.

Strength!!!

[This message edited by VinST at 5:48 PM, April 30th (Monday)]

I NEVER wanted to consider myself an "abused" husband

No one wants to consider themselves an abused partner. It's a little harder for men because of the stigma associated with it, but there is NO shame in getting not only out of infidelity, but an abusive and very toxic M.

God Bless You as you go through your journey. We're here for you every step of the way. Please keep posting, seeing IC, and praying.

Lawman was she always verbally abusive towards you?

Was the abuse one way on your part for the first part of the marriage?

Why did you stop calling her bad names? What was the reason you stopped?

If the abuse has been a back-and-forth thing over the years then what you have is a toxic marriage and a WW full of animosity and vindictiveness. There is no real way to save this unless she agrees to get some counseling and start showing some remorse for her affair.

But from what it looks like she most likely feels fully justified in cheating on you. Then you letting her get away with that cheating has emboldened her to abuse you in other ways. I predict the abuse will get worse as time goes on. She may go from spitting in your face to actual physical abuse.

I take husband abuse very seriously A good friend of mine had a wife who physically abused him, and he did nothing until one night when she hit him on the side of the head with a meat tenderizer while he was sleeping. He suffered a concussion, but he was able to get on his phone and call the cops before he passed out. They came over and hauled her in and took him to the ER. He was then able to get an RO against her and the judge ordered her to vacate the house while he recuperated in the hospital.

He filed for divorce and actually got custody of their kid. My friend was damn lucky she didn't kill him.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 11:46 AM, May 1st (Tuesday)]

I must admit that all during our marriage, the name-calling and verbal attacks have indeed been back-and-forth. I am horribly ashamed that I said horrible things to her, that, at the time seemed justified. I stopped after I found out about the affair because she told me that I deserved to feel the pain I have inflicted on her over the years, even though the things she called me over the years were just as bad and just as common. I have changed completely in that regard. I will not raise my voice at all anymore or insult her back in any way. I simply stand there and record it all in virtual silence, but sometimes I will speak up and say "I'm NOT a loser..." I'm not trying to be passive-aggressive - I told her I won't yell at her anymore. I am fully responsible for my own reactions - I am aware of that, and I am going to therapy myself to help me react properly to her rampages. And, to be clear, she HAS hit me before. She has destroyed things that were mine right on front of me hoping for a reaction. I even said to her a month ago, during one of her rampages, "I release you....you are free to divorce me if you think I'm so horrible..." I don't think she liked that because she lost her control over me - she used to threaten to divorce me at least once a month because she told me how "horrible" of a person I am, but when I told her "go ahead" she's been threatening it less and less.

Also, and this is going back to when the affair started back in January 2017 - but I still cannot get over how terribly she humiliated me at work. I worked at a VERY high profile company that not a soul on earth hasn't heard of....and I would go to work every day and face my boss and best friend, talk about life, our marriages, etc. Little did I know that behind my back this guy was f*****g my wife every day after work, and sometimes I noticed he would leave work in the middle of the day and come back late....I later found out it was because he was meeting my wife in a parking lot and f*****g her, then come right back to work. He was sexting my wife even when I was sitting in his office - they sent hard porn to each other while I was sitting in absolute oblivion. I feel so stupid - so humiliated. I know the sex is bad enough, but this was with my boss - my friend. They humiliated the hell out of me and that hurts worse than anything. And, to make matters worse, my wife absolutely REFUSES to accept any responsibility for the fact that I don't work there anymore - she blames me for having to leave the job - during her regular rampages she screams about how I gave up a good job because I'm "incompetent" or stupid, not because of the toxic atmosphere she left behind even after my boss was fired. It emotionally destroyed me - he would tell others there in the office what he was doing, and they would all laugh at me without me knowing...it really, really hurt. I know y'all know this, but I just needed to get that out.

That is a good point - do I love "her" (the woman I painted in my mind), or do I love "her" (who she REALLY is)...that is a very deep thought and I have not considered that.

Just wanted to say that when I see others come to this point (and it's universal) it's often a big turning point in the process and point from which many are able to spring into action.

I've been reading your thread and I see that your head is starting to go to the right place. This is about YOU healing YOU and what that will mean for both your life and the example that you set for your kids. You are capable of healing from this and you can't control who your WW is or what she does. However, you can minimize the amount of pain and damage she can do to you in the future and eventually even prevent it all together.

Your story is truly heartbreaking and awful.

I dont think I have anything to add to what I’ve already posted. What I and others have tried to tell you is good advice.

It seems you are coming to the realization that having a committed relationship with the person who did this to you and continues to be abusive is not possible.

I only hope you are taking steps to end this marriage so 10 years from now you are not stuck in the same awful situation.

I send you good wishes of strength.

I never do this shyt but phuck it

(((lawman1)))

Your old lady is one messed up chick and it is very clear to me that she "was" bringing out the worst in you. This is how crap like this works....when you find someone normal they will bring out the best in you, but when you get sucked in by some nut job they have a tendency to bring out the worst in you.

Heal quickly brother...there is way more to life then dealing some crazy b!tch WW.

This isn't completely on topic, but I looked up kratom and what I read is disturbing. Multiple reputable sources say it is addictive and that the FDA classified it as an opoiod. My concern is that right now with all of your stress, using that substance might lead you down a really bad path. You sound like a smart guy, so I'm assuming you've done your research and found something credible that debunks the research I'm seeing online but please be careful. You don't need to give her any ammunition in a custody hearing if it comes to that.

[This message edited by hedothprotest at 8:53 PM, May 1st (Tuesday)]