SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There is nothing redeeming or worthwhile about your wife. There is nothing worth saving in your marriage. You need to get out now before she does something worse to you. Amend your will take her off your life insurance policy do it now, today this instant, get your papers drawn up the same time and move out don't waste another day this woman is dangerous.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. If you're LDS, have you brought all of this to the attention of your church leaders? Isn't that usually the way infidelity is handled in the church? And didn't she technically break the seal when she cheated? Won't she have to go through a long process to ever renew that eternal bond with you and your family? Sorry if I've misinterpreted...I have a few LDS friends and I'm basing this on what I've heard them say.

Yes, I'm LDS, and yes, we were married in the Temple for "time and all eternity." You are right, she broke the seal - and I have spoken with my bishop about this and he wants to speak with my wife but repentance is a personal decision - my bishop knows that she must approach him on her own accord but I don't think she has any interest in doing so. I really appreciate all of this advice and perspectives....I know what to do, and I must stop just spinning my wheels hoping to get traction. It isn't going to happen. Things will likely only get worse.

I am here for you sweet pea. You are a strong, kind, loyal man. Never ever let anyone treat you like dirt. Love yourself, because people in this world can and will hurt you. Stand tall and walk away from this mess. Hugs to you sweet pea. You got this...yes you do. You need to wash that flea bag outta your hair and send her on her way. Do the 180, go to a lawyer and tell her to GTFO.

OK. Let’s put it this way Lawman...”you are unequally yoked”. You get the out, Yeh?

To thine Own self be true, you don’t know that dude (that’s You Man!) yet. It’ll take you a minute to relocate “That Dude”..He’s still in you somewhere. He’ll get out, eventually. It’s entropy man, you can’t stop it.

You don’t know it yet, but you’re learning. Knowledge is Power.

Are you eating good? Healthy? Sleep OK? Do you get any exercise?

You know, primary self care routine? It’s a MUST to master these. You’ll need them for NC.

NC is the Narcan to Hopium overdose.

You ain’t Alone Brother.

Oh, ...and. PS,

I’m seriously in Love with my Version 1point0 wife. She died. In my heart when I finally saw “it”. The woman I’m divorcing is NOT who I married. You will see “it” one day soon I hope. It will ROCK YOUR WORLD. Then , you’ll know that YOU KNOW. Thus comes your enlightenment.

Hey lawman, sorry you are where you find yourself but you need to know that you can beat this shit M and you are with the right crowd to help you do it.

Strutter is a good person to lean on here and he and his previous posts can lend you some insights into what you are dealing with that I think you'll find enlightening.

For my own part, I just want to let you know that my STBXW was/is a monster as well. Honestly, your WW sounds like she's an even bigger class of dragon than what I dealt with but I think you should know this. I really didn't have any clue how damn terrible my life was and how truly abusive and toxic the situation I was in was until I forced myself to walk away from it took some time and realized I already didn't recognize the man I was when I was in that situation.

So you've decided that you want out? Excellent, now what steps are you taking to get there? What's your first move?

Hi Lawman

I started to write a response but then realized I was saying exactly what I said 6 weeks ago a few pages back. I reposted it below.

Only thing I would add is this. Are you happy? Are either of you happy? It really doesn’t sound like it. Your kids are probably not happy either. Don’t stay together just for them. They probably would end up much calmer and less likely in fear of their parents blowing up at each other if you guys weren’t living together.

At some points you both have to act like adults and make the decision that you both don’t work well together. That probably there are others out there that are more suited to be in relationships with each of you.

At the very least you’d probably fight less if you were no longer living together.

My friend is Mormon. He tried to hang on so long, hoping she’d turn back to him after her 3rd or 4th affair. But she was 19 when they married, (him 26) and after the kids grew up she decided it was her time and she was going to get what she missed out on when she was young.

He finally divorced her.

2 years he met an acquaintance from years past and they struck up a friendship and then a romance. They’ll be married this Summer and he says they are both in the same place and looking for the same things in life. They get along great and he has had happiness again for the first time in years.

Lawyerman, Divorce her. She killed the marriage. It is done. If you later decide together to casually date, occasionally sleep together, maybe even travel together, if that works for both of you in a non committed way, then great, do it.

But don’t commit to each other again in any way. It doesn’t work. She’ll fail and you’ll end up in pain again.

It sounds like it’s time to start the process. Go back to your D atty friend and get it going.

It’s time to find a path to happiness again. For you, your kids and even your WW.

I wish you good luck.

Hi Lawman

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

Listen, until she tells you that you are the love of her life and she can’t believe how much she hurt you than you really have nothing. Even if she does, you don’t have much.

I gotta tell you, your story makes me angry. She knew he was your good friend. She knew he was your boss. And yet she saw nothing wrong with lusting after him and for years letting him do whatever he wanted with her. And even beyond the sexual aspect of what she allowed, she let him into your marriage, making him as much a husband to her as you were, perhaps even more. That is just awful.

Hey, I am a pro-R guy, but there has to be something redeemable there in order to even try to R.

Lawman, you should have been the one she “lusted” after. You should have been the one to receive BJs in a parking lot. You should have been the one that got they quickie sex on the sly. But instead she gave that all to him, an awful man (how were you even friends with this loser?) who in the end didn’t care one bit about her. He admittedly only wanted to control her via “his seed”.

With that said, what I would do now is find your self respect and move on. You seem to have started to realize this. There are lots of women out there who would cherish you as a husband. Don’t waste any more time missing out on the potential of finding happiness. With her state of mind it will be very difficult to find it with her.

If it were me, I’d tell her something like “You have broken my heart with what you have done. You have given to him everything that you vowed to give to me and you did it without shame. The first day you flirted with him, and definitely the first time you let him inside you, you ended our marriage. And you did it without notifying me. You did it with making a fool of me, the person you vowed to love honor and cherish. So because you ended our marriage, I will be filing the paperwork to make it official. If afterward, you still are in love with me as you claim to be, you are welcome to start from scratch and show me what you will do to win me back. I am the prize now. I am making no promises. Frankly I don’t think you have it in you to even make a good effort. I fully expect you to end up back with that bottom feeder. But who knows, maybe you will surprise me. But it’s going to take a ton of work on your side, so if you are truly all in, then who knows, stranger things have happened. With that, I will speak to the lawyer this week and get moving on the process. It breaks my heart that it has come to this. I will be working on myself to recover from it. I suggest you do the same “

Then Lawman, leave it completely up to her. Don’t expect miracles. I think you need time to completely process the awfulness of what she has done. Take the time to work on yourself.

But I’m being honest when I say, you haven’t had a real marriage in years. Why pretend you do. End this one. If she’s really all in and wants to take the next 5 years to prove to you that she’s a different person, let her try. But make no promises of sticking around while she does.

Good luck my friend.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:31 PM, April 27th (Friday)]

What will it take for you to say “enough is enough”????

Sir, this woman has lived effectively as the wife of another man since the beginning of your first thread. Why would you want a cancerous presence such as her to remain in your life?

If she had spat in my face, she'd have likely wound up in the hospitad, and me in jail. But that's just me ruminating--I'm adamantly opposed to violence.

You have no marriage. File.

Does she still go to the temple?

has she been tested for stds?

She is not remorseful. you are not in R.

Have you told your bishop what she told you?

She is not in the repentance process.

This is not good for your kids.

What did your attorney say about D?

Not all women act this way.

you would want to be treated so lousy for all time and eternity?

Have you been tested for stds?

Sure sounds like she wants you dead.

Lawman1,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I know there are so many here that have so much good advice for you, I don't have much more to offer.

BUT, I am also LDS. I understand the importance of a temple marriage in our religion. It is one of the most sacred things you do in your life. Shortly after my D-day, my husband told me I couldn't leave him because I would be breaking up our eternal family. (This was while he was in the fog, and is no longer there, thank goodness). That seriously pulled my heartstrings because I wanted that eternal family so much. Two seconds later, I snapped back into reality, showed him he was the one that "broke up our eternal family", and if I gave him a new chance, we would have to build a NEW marriage. The old one, dead and broken. Gone. Poof. You would have to make a new marriage.

So my question is, with the knowledge you have of your wife now, would you make an eternal commitment to a companion like her? Would you ever even be interested in someone like her?

She is abusing you. 100% abuse. God does not want any of his children to be abused by the others. Those in abusive relationships like yours can and SHOULD get out. You deserve so much more than that. God expects us to be strong and stand up to those that abuse us, not take it. Being forgiving doesn't mean accepting abuse, it means letting justice go and giving it to him. He will take care of it. But, you need to take care of you and get yourself out of this situation with her. She is not remorseful. She is not R material. You are worth more than this.

What would you tell your child to do if his/her spouse SPAT in their face?

She spat in your face?

Are you kidding?

Oh brother! I'm mad just reading this. You are allowing her to run the ship, and she doesn't care were it is headed and you see you are about to crash with a big rock.

Take charge and please grow a pair,buy them or rent them but is time to take action. Stop playing the victim card, it won't work with her, you have to take charge and respect your self.

I finally read through this. I too am LDS, but to be honest this whole experience has been pretty damaging to my faith.

Our Bishop doesn't have a clue how to handle things with my wife. He gave her TR back while she was still actively contacting the OM. Then she confessed to more sexting, and he told her to keep her TR "for strength." Not sure what planet he is on to think it's temple-worthy behavior. He has only been serving for a few months and is in his mid-30's. It has become abundantly clear he doesn't have the training or experience to deal with this (he's a computer programmer by day).

Then her parents are using the whole blameshifting philosophy on me. Saying if I were to file for divorce, I would be destroying our eternal family. Uh, no ... WW would be responsible for that. Yet they are using their interpretation of religion to absolve their daughter and place the burden on me.

Now I will say we have gone to MC at LDSFS, and that counselor has been really good, with proper perspective.

Bottom line ... don't let people manipulate you with your religion, though I get it's important to you. Separate what is acceptable in any relationship from what is not. Do not put up with stuff just to save your eternal family. If even a quarter of what you wrote about your wife is true, she destroyed that a long time ago.

Get professionaly counseling, whether through LDSFS or someone independent. There are pros and cons to both if you are a true believer.

You are being manipulated and abused and deserve so much better.

The average person wouldn't spit on a dog.

File.

Lawman - I faced a decision 5 years ago. My WH was walking all over me. He had nearly made himself ineligible to ordain our son pre-mission through wayward behavior via online. He romanticized polygamy and rationalized that God had told him he could handle it. He got angry when the stake president held him to a higher standard and asked him to humble himself.

I caught him in another online affair five years ago by accident. I gave him 30 minutes to give me a reasonable plan for reconciliation or he could turn over his phone that he used for cheating and buy his own, since I was paying for that phone. I told him he had to bring in enough income per month while the wheels of our divorce turned to sustain himself. That had to be in the plan too.

The thing that scared him was I was cold. Completely unemotional. I didn't take any blame shifting. I told him that's irrelevant, since the marriage is toast. (We were married in the temple too). I was just fine with how I had treated him in the marriage - I knew I was a good wife and far more patient than most. He could go be with her. I told her that too. But they would not be connected or together on my dime. He'd have to pay his own way. Part of his infidelity with me was under-employment and sullen financial sloth. To reconcile with me, he had to resolve both the sexual waywardness and the financial work ethic waywardness.

It took him six months to completely pull his head out. He was angry that I monitored what he was doing. I told him he had to prove he was worthy to be my husband, and I wasn't convinced, so until I had proof, or until we were divorced and he was completely off my income, I would monitor and respond appropriately. Any further phone contact would result in him losing his phone. He knew I would shut if off and take him off the plan.

It was my lack of emotion. He couldn't manipulate me anymore. I was done. I knew it. But I also needed time to improve my position in a divorce. And he could leverage that time to earn back into the marriage. But I made no promises and made him come up with how he would earn that place.

[This message edited by k8la at 5:07 PM, April 28th (Saturday)]

Teach your kids the importance of self respect, then venture to tell them you allowed someone to spit in your face with no repercussions.

They'd question your sanity.

recently just spit in my face

Not sure of your state's laws, but that's assault where I'm from...

But I am sure you know this.

I have no advice as the others have been giving awesome advice and support.

Please consider D...I'm sure that the Lord would not want one of His children to be treated in this manner because of religious doctrine.

Sending strength...