SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so glad the DNA test was positive for your paternity. But I can tell that you are her true father regardless of genes and will be forever. Maybe your WW will do you a favor and get a sudden “toothache” that keeps her from going. But if she does go be prepared for “love-bombing” in the hope that you will rugsweep everything. Keep using the 180 as much as you can to limit conversation except around the kids. You don’t have to be hostile; you can be quite civil. But project indifference.

So glad you have closure on knowing your DD is yours. Continue being the best parent you can be. Teaching them values, morals, kindness, compassion, attentiveness, etc. Be their rock of support. Always be truthful in age appropriate manners.

Glad you told your WW that her selfishness harm the entire family. Not just you.

Guillermo: I hope you have a great weekend. Focus on yourself, your kids, the beautiful scenery. Take in the fresh air and de-stress! You will need this time to recharge. Also, I think it’s great you have a daughter who sees the truth and is beside you during this time. Your actions will show her this type of behavior is unacceptable, and it may save her from future pain and disappointment. I’m glad you have this friend in her.

You mentioned that you are moving into the apartment instead of your WW. Why? I would prefer my WW move out, which she did during our separation time and at my direction. My thought is since she violated the marriage pact, abused you, and broke your heart, she should be the one to vacate the premises, not you.

So this issue with her moving out is that the kids look for her in the middle of the night.

Otherwise, I’d make her go upstairs.

I don’t want them crying for her, they didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t want to punish them.

I am suffering from extreme depression today.

I’m angry too.

I really just want to crawl into a corner and be left there for a couple of weeks...

She’s acting so remorseful to me today and yesterday.

I cannot stop thinking about what she did.

She had an affair for 4 years and when she broke up with AP1, he was heartbroken. Then she started another affair and AP1 got so jealous of them, that he had them followed. Then outed them both to Ap2’s wife, not even me. Which he claimed we were friends and that he “tried” to tell me.

He didn’t try to tell me. He wanted to destroy my marriage to her, wait for the dust to settle and then swoop in and have her all to himself.

Had he not outed her, she would still be sleeping with AP2.

She never loved me. At least, her vision of love is something I never wanted.

I’m so heartbroken and lost. I gave her every piece of my soul.

I thought I had true love. I thought I had found my soulmate.

My life is a lie. I’m trying to pick up the pieces, but I just keep breaking down.

I think I need to go out with a friend tonight to try and block the pain I’m in.

She never loved me. At least, her vision of love is something I never wanted.

That's an interesting viewpoint on this question. There have been some long threads about whether a WS can actually "love" her/his BS whilst having a PA. Perhaps a better way to frame the question isn't whether the WS loved the BS, but how the WS loved the BS. Most of us who are or have been betrayed, if we were offered straight up the version of "love" offered by a WS during an A, would resoundingly respond "fuck no!"

I truly believe that she did love me and I keep drilling her what happened to make her agree to have sex with this man in the first place? She continually says she doesn’t remember.

Which I find strange, because if I were going to cheat, there would’ve been lengthy conversations and a lot of hemming and hawing. In the end, I would’ve backed out. Trust me, I had plenty of opportunities to do it too. I always thought about the end results, but truthfully, had I cheated, I wouldn’t have gotten involved as deeply as she did.

I mean, she cheated on me, then cheated on the guy she cheated on me with. I can’t make this shit up!

The best part is she’s not giving me space.

So I cannot escape her constant probing for a way back into my heart.

Worst part, sex. I have a drive like a teenager.

This whole thing has been so unfair to me and it keeps getting worse.

I mean, she cheated on me, then cheated on the guy she cheated on me with. I can’t make this shit up!

The facts of your thread are crazy. She cheated on you for years with a dude, and to enable it she gaslighted you so deeply you allowed her to move the dude into your home. For years. And call him friend. As an aside, in terms of intimacy, she was way more intimate with him than you. He, after all, knew the truth and reality. She was authentic with him. You, what you got was the play-acting part, the lie part.

Then, as you say, she cheated on him (and on you) with another dude, while still living in the house with both of you. Just crazy.

Dude, My heart goes out to you.But you have to understand, Nothing you did or didn't do made your wife cheat. There is something broken in her period! She needs to see someone to fix herself. Until then you should not even remotely consider staying with her! If after divorce you want to try again after she has addressed her issues fine. But for now, In my opinion you should focus on your well being and that of your kids.....

I know I’ve mentioned that I’m not a horrible looking man, but I am a very loving man. I’m not interested in sleeping with a ton of women. I just want to be with one person that would love me till I’m senile and would never hurt me like this.

In fact, I told my wife that if she wanted to explore sexually, she just had to talk to me. Instead, she kept it a secret and now she’s soooo remorseful and looks at me like I’m the sexiest man alive.

I can’t even stomach her.

When we were just away, it was a group of 8 people. Other women were staring me down and I loved it. At dinner a table of 6 girls stopped what they were doing and gawked at me as I walked in holding my two youngest kids hands.

I will not have trouble meeting another person. I’m afraid of women, right now. Maybe I do need to just go out and (safely) sow my oats? Lord knows that whomever gets a night with me, they will not soon forget.

Yet, the lawyer in me is saying, “I can be charged with adultery”

I know I’m going off the rails here, but I desperately desire the company of a woman and not my wife.

"If someone betrays you once ... shame on them. If you allow them to betray you again, it is you who have betrayed yourself."

You know what you need to do. File for divorce and end the marriage. If at some point later she PROVES to you that she is safe, you can always reconcile or remarry.

No matter how confident we are, an Affair is a body blow to our self-esteem. No two ways about that. So attention from the opposite sex is noticed more after DDay and certainly appreciated. Just add it to the chalkboard in your head as a pick-me-up. But do not sacrifice your morals. If you separate and file for D you can tell your WW that you plan to date. But wait until you can do so with your head held high that you always honored your marriage vows.

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:22 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

PS: I was puzzled when your thread was moved from JFO to General. Have you been unfaithful yourself?

...I keep drilling her what happened to make her agree to have sex with this man in the first place? She continually says she doesn’t remember.

Which I find strange, because if I were going to cheat, there would’ve been lengthy conversations and a lot of hemming and hawing. In the end, I would’ve backed out.

The thing is, you have been faithful. Your W has not. IMO, it's impossible for a BS to comprehend cheating.

My W can tell me what happened that first time ... I know the facts ... I know she's being honest ... and I still can't fathom what led her to violate all sorts of boundaries.

*****

One thing unremorseful WSes often do when faced with D is to try to suck their BSes back into the M without becoming remorseful. It's sometimes called 'hoovering.'

Your W may be trying to hoover you out of D. She may be truly remorseful.

If she's truly remorseful, does that affect your thinking? If so, how?

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:39 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

You have said a couple of times that you thought you had found your soulmate. I read something a while back on that.

"You do not find your soulmate. You build your soulmates together."

I very happy for you and your little girl.

I do wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 9:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

I truly appreciate everyone’s thought and great advice.

So Years ago I cheated on my first wife. That might be why this was moved.

I never cheated on my current wife, nor did I ever have plans to.

Update, she’s finally admitted that she’s a sex addict. She cried to me about it, but I told her that I knew this already. She displays all of the classic signs. Including lying to the faces of the ones you love just to get that next fix. Including swearing on our children’s lives that she didn’t sleep with AP1.

She will do this again if she doesn’t get help. Even then she might do this again. The pain will fade and so will the memories of it. It’s like that classic line that Tool sang in Aenema, “fuck all you junkies and fuck your short memory”

She will cheat again. She won’t cheat on me again.

She’s acting so remorseful to me today and yesterday.

The key word acting may or may not be real.

Key phrase.... she will cheat again, she wont cheat on me..... You see your reality. Keep looking out for your own welfare. And that of your children. Hold true to your values. Teach your children that actions have consequences. Teach them the lessons of life. Be there for them in their times of need. Teach them by example. Be their rock that they can depend upon. Be truthful in age appropriate ways. They will grow to respect and live you more for it.

Last night I explained to her that she not only cheated on me, but our children too. That she wrecked our future together.

I wonder though if you feel same about yourself. You admitted that you abused and disrespected your first wife for years and eventually divorced her, destroying a family for your eldest kids. You never really had a courage to admit your As, but rather crushed her self-esteem and waltzed off with OW, who became your wife. Do you even realize that you are in your ex-wife's shoes , with two young kids and a cheating spouse.

I am not trying to be mean, but I see that your current situation has roots in the past events. Your wife, who was willing to have a relationship with a married man, showed her true character back then. You were just too busy blaming your exBS for all the problems in M, and too intoxicated with new, child-free relationship with your current wife.

I believe it is important to acknowledge one's own failures for the true healing to begin. AP is the best candidate for the future cheating spouse. No surprise here.

I wish you to learn your mistakes and be happy in relationship eventually.

I understand your point, but making a generalization based off a part of a story is a bit unfair.

My ex-wife was actually abusive. She took advantage of me, stole money from me, and basically tortured me.

The only reason I stayed with her was for the kids.

Until one night, I came home and she attacked me yet again.

I walked away from her for 5 seconds and she took my laptop and smashed it on the ground.

Understand that you can draw the conclusion that she was mean because I was not emotionally there for her, but she began abusing me way before the infidelity. It was her actions that drove me to do what I did. One can say, “no one held a gun to your head”, but in the same breath talk about how I destroyed my children’s lives. When, if I just left, would end in the same results.

So you be the judge of what’s worse. Being abusive back, or looking for love outside of the marriage. I actually give myself credit for staying as long as I did for my kids. It’s easy to paint things in black/white if you haven’t experienced it, or know all the details.

In my second marriage, I treated my wife as an equal and have her all of me. I never treated her poorly and everyone that knows me, knows how much I loved her.

A much much different scenario.

Btw, knowing what I know now, I would’ve still cheated on my ex wife just to get the incredible years I got in with my first two kids. My affair made my home life bearable. The alternative would’ve been just leaving her.