SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you expose do it without warning and do not tell your wife. They normally conspire against you.

I’m doing my best to expose in secret, but I can find him and I don’t want to do it over the phone. I’m actually staked out down the road from his GF’s house. Whom he cheated on her with my wife.

I’m getting ready to out him (her boss) because he was trying to play the good guy.

Have your eyes wide open on this.

First, if your W loses her job and you end up divorcing her, it could impact your settlement. Talk to your lawyer about it.

Second, since your wife is aware you know, you can expect that she may be in damage control mode including spreading lies about you to her family and anyone else. Things along the lines of you being abusive or crazy jealous, etc.

Third, since your wife is aware you know, you can bet the AP is also aware. Be prepared that he is also painting you as crazy and/or abusive to your wife. His relationship with your wife will likely be presented as mentoring/helping her through her situation.

If you choose to out the affair to the AP's GF or at their work, do everything you can to be calm, professional and focused on facts you can prove. Doing so will make any lies told about you harder to believe and the more proof you have, the better.

So it turns out that my wife read the book, “How to help your spouse heal from your affair”

She literally is taking all of the advice from it.

She told me about the second A with her boss and when I went to go confront him, she gave him radio silence.

It was kind of funny, because I went to the Boss’s GF’s house, but no one was home. So I left my card in her door. Her and the Boss found the card and he texted me, “hey are you ok, we found your card in my GF door”

I said, yeah, I’ll be right over.

He must’ve panicked, because he left there and started calling my wife. My wife was on the phone with me, telling me her Boss was trying to call her. She asked me what she should do, so I told her nothing, don’t answer.

He was in a conundrum, if he didn’t go back to his GF’s house, I couldn’t confront him, but if I were coming to spill the beans, he couldn’t let me do it to his GF without being there to deny it.

So he came back. I was already there telling the GF that her suspicions were true, he was having an affair with my wife.

She was dumbfounded, because she thought I was just coming to talk about the other affair.

He went into full panic mode and denied everything. I asked him, why would she tell me she had an affair with you while I was married to her. He said, because she’s a liar. I then asked him, why would she lie about this, he said I don’t know, because she’s a liar.

I told him to never speak to her again, and I pointed my finger at him when I did. He flinched, like the coward he is, but I never raised a fist in anger.

I also told him that he is going to be outed for the sexual predator that he is.

He brushed it off like he didn’t care.

Later today he informed me that his lawyer will be contacting me tomorrow. Coward.

Do you have evidence? If so forward it to his HR department.

If your wife deleted any incriminating texts do a deleted text recovery.

If they work together the affair usually continues.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you've scared him off.

It's early and you can't trust your wife.

Affairs are addictive. They have contact. Boom!!!! It reignites.

Why was your thread moved to General?

To be clear:

1. She carried on a multi-year LTA with her boss. As part of it, she moved him into your home so she could fuck him whenever she wanted, she gaslighted you whenever you asked, she pulled away from you physically when he was around, and she believes he is or may be the (secret) biological father of one of your children.

2. She carried on a clandestine LTA with a COW that only stopped because her boss, feeling jealous and scorned, hired a PI and outed her to you.

So, in sum, for all or most of your married life, she has not been a wife to you. Her "normal" is to lie to you and carry on with other men. Now, suddenly, she has a change of heart?

You absolutely should not believe a single word that comes out of her mouth. The leopard can't change its spots. Lying is so normal to her, and cheating. Every day for years she has awakened in the morning, started lying to you, and continued lying until she went to sleep. Lying and cheating are as normal as breathing. Now that she is caught, do you really think it's possible for her to just flick a switch and stop?

One of the two prongs of R is the WW figuring out what is broken in her moral compass and making herself into a safe partner. If you met her for the first time and she told you how she has acted in your marriage, you'd think: "This woman is completely loco." She needs to do a lot of work to figure out how and why her moral code is so deeply fucked up.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:58 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

Please realize you did nothing to cause this. Her cheating is a reflection of her brokenness.

We can not prevent someone from cheating, no matter how well we treat them.

Please read the healing library. Read the 180. Take care of yourself. Don’t let her blameshift and put this on you.

Be kind to yourself. Healing takes time. You don’t just “get over it” you heal. And most infidelity survivors will tell you it changed them in some way.

Post here as often as you’d like.

(((Hugs)))

Duplicate

[This message edited by Emotionalhell at 5:46 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

I suggest you read Butforthegrace, just above, again.

It's much too soon for a complete make over. Your WW read the book. Now she knows what to do to make it look liker she's completely remorseful. It's much to soon for that. Consistency over time is what counts. A long time. It's been a long time that she's been behaving this way. It takes longer to break a habit than get it in the first place. She didn't finally and in a flash "come to Jesus".

I'm not saying that R isn't possible. R is very hard and it definitely takes two with the WS carrying most of the water. D isn't easy either. However, there is a lot going on here with her moving him into your house for continuous access and the possibility of having his child.

Good luck to you.

Read Butforthegrace again.

Guillermo, sorry you're in this situation. From everything you've said about your wife, I don't see a future together with her unless you resign yourself to her serial cheating.

Think long term. Could you ever really trust her again, knowing how she betrayed you for years? And at how good she is at lying?

You are doing an admirable job working through this trauma. You will get through it and be strengthened.

Your wife betrayed you deeply. If there is any positive news it is that she is responding quickly to the book she read. Many many WS look at it and refuse to get it.... staying wrapped up in the fantasy they have built over weeks, months or years. It takes them a long time to come around or they never do. The fact that your WS is responding right away with positive actions is a good sign for her own soul as well as any possibility of R. Even if you choose to D, it is a good sign for future interactions that will be necessary for the children's sake.

Later today he informed me that his lawyer will be contacting me tomorrow. Coward.

That should be fun. Tell him your lawyer will be in touch, and he should be getting together a list of his assets.

Divorce her as soon as legally possible Guillermo. You don't need this drama in your life. And she's not remorseful; she's in damage control mode doing everything she can to keep you on the monitary hook to take care of her. Now she has a book that she can follow to the letter to try to convince you that she's safe. She's not safe and never will be. She's a serial cheater; that's a character flaw that is seldom overcome. It's not a disease. A disease is out of your control. She has an issue with morals; that's something that can be chosen or ignored. She obviously ignores them. Get yourself free from your betrayer. Don't believe a word she says. Don't be fooled again into thinking that she's worth spending your life with. Take you life back and live it free from drama and pain. Take care of yourself.

Edit: Also, the boss is obviously a sleazebag but don't forget that it was her who chose to spread her legs every time. He couldn't and didn't force her. She had the option to talk to you if there were issues of any kind but she didn't. Instead she dropped her pants for more than one other man and lied to you the entire time. She was the final decision maker and ultimate culprit in all of this.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 11:25 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

After having a conversation with the president of her company, he listened to me and she no longer works for the same man.

A1 is also moving out of the house this weekend.

I am listening to all of you loud and clear. I do think she’s trying to get this behind her as quick as she can, but last night I told her how she destroyed her one and only chance at truelove.

That how I thought she was my soulmate.

That her actions destroyed my future with her.

I went to one of my good friends homes and sat their explaining the entire story to them. They knew about some of it already. Of course, my friends wife couldn’t keep to herself and started telling her friends (before i even got there) what happened and how suddenly I might be available. She said she had 5 women that already want to date me. My buddy told her to stop and I declined, but it made me realize how I was exactly the type of man a woman would kill to be with.

That she took my innocent and naive love and put it through a meat grinder.

I have more to regurgitate, but I’ll stop at this. My WW last night told me that before she divulged A1, but after A2 was found out, A1 told her to be Leary of a family friend (female) and myself. This piece of shit was still trying to destroy my already destroyed marriage and life.

One of the building blocks necessary if R is to even be a possibility is the WW figuring out what was fucked up in her moral compass and fixing it, so that she can become a safe partner. One of the features of your thread is the depth and profound degree to which your WW is a cheater. Multiple levels of cheating. Gaslighting you to the degree that she convinced you to move one of her AP's into your actual home, so that she could live with and fuck him more conveniently. Then cheating on both of you with AP2.

Cheating, lying, sneaking, fucking other men, this is as natural to her as breathing air for you and me. What has she done to figure out why she is this way? Perhaps she is simply a polyamorous person who cannot be in a monogamous committed relationship?

Butforthrgrace, I’ve actually thought that. She cannot be in a monogamous relationship.

She wants to be comfortable, she’s focused on me telling her I won’t leave. I don’t give her comfort in that.

Today she’s coming across as stand offish with me. She’s letting the words of AP1 leak into her twisted brain.

She’s allowing him to influence her, still.

I think this marriage is over.

What I have had to realize in my ordeal is that there are some women ( and men) that simply do not think of "love" like we do, or are incapable of real love as we know it.

For some, sex has become a tool they have learned to use for attention and validation. I've decided that sometimes you can't change them, only they can, and only if they want to.

Changing that appearance only when they are faced with losing it all, simply as a continuation of that pattern of manipulation, isn't the same thing.

Good luck, brother.

Guillermo, please stop and consider what you wrote earlier.

"A1 told her to be Leary of a family friend (female) and myself. This piece of shit was still trying to destroy my already destroyed marriage and life."

I read this, and it made me pause. How can anyone give any creedence to this? First, your WW is a liar. She may have made this crap up as an excuse for her cheating. However, let's assume that she was actually told this. She was told this by a man she was cheating with. So clearly he is not trustworthy, and was likely lying to push her away from you. Beyond that, if she actually believed that there was something going on, she should have talked to you about it.

That whole thing, is to me, indicative of wayward thinking. She is trying to deflect from the disastrous consequences of her stupid decisions. How does she doe this? Lob a grenade at you. It is completely irrelevant. There is almost no chance that there is even a shred of truth to it. And yet, YOU are forced to defend YOURSELF. I encountered similar things from my XWW.

I do hope you are not spending any time on that, and that you brush it off as you should.

I have to agree with others that your WW is not worthy of R, and is not likely to do the work to help you heal and rebuild trust.

How are you doing Guil? From Long Islander to another, you have support around you.

I told you three days ago there were women out there that would kill to be married to you. I said if you were on the market you would be snatched up quickly. You already have 5 lining up and you haven't even decided if you are divorcing. You should have had a good boost to your confidence. I told you, you can replace your wife just as fast, if not faster, as she replaced you. I do wish you well.