SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well she can do that herself. It'll be good practice for her

I get it, you’re pissed so fuck her.

However, I’m suggesting that her mental state may be impaired enough that she doesn’t see a way out of the hole she’s dug herself. WSs, and WWs in particular, have a nasty habit of attempting suicide in situations like this. Are her parents or siblings available to guide her to a therapist?

She's going to be staying with her mother so they can figure something out.

You seem religious. Didn't Jesus happen upon a woman who was to be stoned for adultery. Did he not say let those who have not signed throw the first stone.

I realize you and your sons are angry but she is still thier mother. They need her and you in their life for best success.

Notthere how did you find out? Am I right in assuming that you caught her rather than she confessed? You haven’t mentioned whether this was a one night stand or PA that had been going on for a while. In light of your past it is clear that this was a dealbreaker. She knew this and yet did it. Then don’t waste your emotions and anger on her. It’s not healthy for you. And while you may not forgive don’t let your children swear at her. The last thing you want is a suicidal ex as has happened before and an incident that may scar your children further.

Rambler

That passage isn't in the original manuscripts. How am I casting stones? God says to divorce adulterers. My kids are looking to choose to not have her in their life it's their decision and I even played the middle ground.

Don't do the "Oh but Jesus" just because I'm not being a doormat and forcing my children to have a relationship with their mother. If you read my other posts you'd see that I even told them I'd respect if they wanted to still have a relationship and not to let what I did when I was in their position affect them.

The only thing I've done wrong so far is when I went off on her. I'd say that's pretty good all things considered

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 8:20 AM, Friday, March 25th]

Masti

She confessed. I don't know why she knew I would end it regardless. Maybe she thought that would earn her points in my eyes or something I don't know. It was a one night stand They texted before for a few months. Her deleting messages wasn't a problem since I can look through the provider and see everything. Also yes I do realize she could be lying about it being one time but the texts match what she's saying. It also doesn't matter anymore

I'm also not wasting anything on her. Since Dday in October I've probably said no less than 1000 words to her. My kids also don't swear but have called her a whore, which I've told them to stop doing. I myself have only called her a whore once. The term is accurate yet I don't like saying it or having my kids say it to her.

However my kids will decide like I said about their relationship going forward and I will support it whatever choice they make

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 8:16 AM, Friday, March 25th]

You have been given great advice so far based on very little information.

We know your mother is a WS, and your wife is also a WS now, but am curious in what way is your WW a wayward? What did she do? What were the circumstances? What were the broad strokes?

We do not have any information on your story, and probably have a better idea of your mother's story than yours.

Could you tell a bit more, so that we are able to give more informed advice?

I'll write more about it maybe. I gave some more information in my reply to masti.

What else would you like to know? Not sounding smart, genuinely asking

Thanks for replying as painful as it is.
An ons means she either travels for work or was partying without you. Either case leaves a possibility that it might not have been the first time. Were you guys having martial problems or drifting apart? Sometimes a wayward uses an exit affair to leave a relationship,

OP - what was your WW explanation for voluntarily disclosing the ONS given the obvious that you could never forgive it and D would ensue?

She confessed. I don't know why she knew I would end it regardless.

The why is simple. She had little other choice but to confess. She either believed someone would tell you or she knew for certain she would be exposed. I doubt you would have offered her any more sympathy if you learned of your betrayal through a third party. She liked hoped for some leniency coming to you before she was outed.

Risk of exposure is the only thing that motivates a confession from a cheater. They will attempt to steer the narrative and minimize the extent of their wayward behavior before the truth can reach their betrayed spouse.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 1:31 PM, Friday, March 25th]

Your wife appears to be in a place that could lead to self destruction. Maybe you and the kids can turn down the shaming as you end the M.

Maybe it was the om but I don't know and I honestly don't care. I just want to be rid of her.

After thinking about it all night I think I perhaps should push my children to be in their mothers life. Her life as she knew it is about to end in less than a year and I think everyone is right and that she is on a path of destruction. I'll talk to my kids later and I would like some input on what to say though I have a pretty good idea already

She's getting the house in the divorce and 50ish percent of the savings while I get the retirement and pension. I think that's more than fair especially for what she did to ruin my family and waste half my life.

As a Christian my goal was always to Glorify God and after that it was to get married and have a family. After she said yes I cried so much that I almost passed out I was so happy

When my children were born and I thanked her and when we were just by each other I couldn't have been happier. This was the goal I was working for and this is what I thought about everyday when I turned 18 and now it's gone forever

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 7:16 PM, Friday, March 25th]

He isn't shaming her. He called her one name,one time. If anything according to his posts, he is avoiding her and detaching. Which is healthy for a BS who is divorcing.

The children, who are more young adults than little kids,just found out their mother destroyed their family. That she betrayed their father, and them. They have a right to their anger,and it is healthy for them to express it, rather than play pretend for mom's feelings. He also said he has told them to stop the name calling.

These are the consequences she has earned due to her actions. She KNEW how her husband, and kids felt about adultery. She did it anyway. She isn't a WW who can claim she didn't know how her actions could destroy a family. She knew.

She wasn't worried about her husband's mental health. BS also commit suicide. She wasn't concerned one bit. He is not responsible for her mental heath. She is. Asking him to take care of her because she is fragile,because she is reaping the consequences of her actions, is unfair to him.

She is not the victim.

OP, if she starts talking suicide, call 911. Many WW do it to garner sympathy, and prevent the BH from leaving. Some,however,are serious about their threat. Either way,call 911,and they will take her to the hospital where she will get care.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:33 PM, Friday, March 25th]

Dear Nothere759

You'll see this is my first post, but I have read this site for many years, and only joined recently. I hope you get to read this before it is removed, because criticism and dissent are not tolerated here.

There are some things you need to know about SI.com if you are going to continue seeking advice here:

1. This site is heavily biased towards reconciliation
Despite pretending otherwise, this site has a very clear bias towards reconciliation. It is visible in countless threads where betrayed spouses have to endure constant calls to soften their stance on adultery and give their cheating spouses some opportunity to reconcile. Another betrayed husband here is almost a year out from his divorce, and is still being relentlessly harassed to get back with his serial-cheating wife. I followed the betrayed husband whose thread you mentioned earlier closely back then (you know, the one whose mention earned you an un-subtle accusation of being a troll... ). He was viciously attacked for staying his course of divorce. He was called "pathetic" (I quote verbatim) by other betrayed husbands for not caving to his cheating wife's attempts at hoovering and manipulation. This is never addressed by moderators, because it fits with the site's pro-R agenda. Instead, they made HIM a pariah, whose name may not even be mentioned on some forums (but since he didn't break any forum rules they couldn't ban him, which is what they really wanted to do).

It is evident in many other aspects too:
* Reconciliation books may be freely recommended, but pro-divorce books are immediately banned from being mentioned. Merely naming such books will get you censored instantly.

* Cheaters are always handled with kid gloves, lest they be offended or scared into leaving, hence any betrayed who sounds off even slightly critical or aggressive is immediately banned.

* Euphemisms like "wayward" and "infidelity" are encouraged in stead of adulterer and cheater, because the tone of all discussions here has to be carefully managed to be as accommodating for cheaters as possible.

* The answers in the FAQ are carefully worded and moderated to the point of being fundamentally dishonest.

* Successfully divorced betrayeds will never be allowed to be Guides or Moderators, lest they actually inspire anyone to leave their cheater by example. These roles are reserved only for reconciliation-cheerleaders and adulterers themselves -- several of whom are real-life friends with identical views (and divorce is NOT an acceptable option for them).

* The founders of the site (a now-dead cheater and her husband) are routinely held up as shining reconciliation-porn for others to aspire to. Questioning anything about their fairy-tale reconciliation story will earn you an instant perma-ban. Look for reviews of this site elsewhere on the web, and you'll see it's not merely my own experience, but that of many former members here too.

2. You present a real problem for the people here
Realize that almost all betrayed spouses who come here, do so because they have no idea what to do. They have no plan, see no way forward, and don't even know how to feel about the betrayal done to them. People like that can be helped with some bog standard advice (send a no-contact, get access to all devices and password, get into IC, etc). And for most people, this is a good start. Once they get some control back though, there really isn't much left to tell them. Any real use for this site fizzles out by then.

You are unlike any other BH who comes here: a man who knows his own mind, knows what he will and will not tolerate, and is firmly set in his decision to divorce. These posters don't know what to do with you. They cannot recommend any of the usual steps for reconciliation, because that's all they know, and you are not interested. The sincere ones can only support you and wish you good luck. That would make for a very short thread though. The ones who feed on drama, however, need you to give them more dirty details so they can pull your choices apart and start to make you doubt yourself. Why do you think they keep pressing you for info about your wife's cheating? It's not for your sake, it's for theirs. They can only indulge their hobby (endlessly debating the merits of your decision) if they can somehow twist your wife's adultery as being "less bad" than their own. They will make judgements about whether it is "reconcilable" or not. And be warned: a one-night-stand is widely considered here as a perfectly forgivable form a adultery. They will be quick to tell you about other husbands who have posted here, and whose wives have committed FAAAAAAARRRRR worse affairs than yours, and if they could make it through, so can you, blah-blah-blah.

By the way, the majority of men who posted on your thread never left their own cheating wives. If you're looking for advice on how to leave an abuser, the LAST person you should ask is an abuse victim who is STILL WITH THEIR ABUSER. Which brings us to the next point:

3. This site is dishonest about the abusive nature of adultery
Routinely, threads pop up here that discuss whether adultery is abuse, and posters almost always agree that it is. And yet, hundreds of those same people recommend to victims of adultery-abuse to stay in their relationships ("wait-and-see, give it some time, don't make any hasty decisions", etc).

If a woman complained that her husband was beating her, she would be firmly told to get the hell out of the house, get to safety, and DIVORCE THE ABUSIVE BASTARD. But if that same woman states that her husband is committing adultery (with all the accompanying abuse: emotional, psychological, financial, and yes, physical - think STD's), she is told to hang in there, do the 180, go to counselling, not make any rash decisions she can't take back, etc. Even the thinnest straw of a chance that this marriage may be prolonged has to be grabbed with both hands, because around here, staying married is somehow considered a grand prize worth all kinds of suffering.

4. This site is dishonest about the ugly truth of reconciliation
An entire forum here is dedicated to "Positive Reconciliation Stories". This is where hopeful, naive betrayeds can get a shot of hopium about how their own adultery-ravaged marriages can come out better on the other side. But have you noticed there is no forum for "Failed Reconciliation Stories"? This site is littered with the corpses of betrayeds who have tried mightily in the face of tremendous pain and trauma to reconcile with their abusers, only to be dealt another death-blow by the same cheater months, or even years later.

Google a few of the reconciliation threads from around 2013-2015, and look at the signatures at the bottom of the posts. You'll see a pattern: the betrayed waxing lyrical about how well their R is going in the post, and then in the signature it will say: "D-DAY 2: 2018, Divorced". There are more of those here than anyone can count, but you will never hear about them from the posters on this thread, because they have an agenda to get you to reconcile. If they can get you to try, they will consider it a success for them. They will not hesitate to twist your Christian faith against you (misquoting the Bible and ripping passages out of context is standard procedure here). Guilting you for being "unforgiving" is already taking shape... just watch.

The ugly truth is: reconciliation requires a tremendous amount of shit-eating on your part. You will have to violate every single principle you have ever held about loyalty, integrity and marriage. For people who never had any, that's easy. But for you, it will end in self-loathing and misery. You will HATE yourself for taking her back.

And just remember: when she does this to you again, none of these reconciliation-cheerleaders will be there to pick up the pieces for you. You will be just alone as you are now, only with more wasted years and more pain to deal with. You are right: THIS IS WHO SHE IS. No matter how many times a snake sheds its skin, it is still the same snake.

In summary: use whatever advice you like from here, but be aware that far more people here want to see you stay married to an adulterer than want to see you divorced. Take their inputs with a large dose of skepticism.

One final word: you will be making a big mistake by pushing your children's relationship with their mother. Understand that she betrayed them too. She destroyed their home, their security and their views on love, loyalty and commitment. They need to grieve this loss (please get them a good therapist!). They are also traumatized and any like any trauma victim they need to GET DISTANCE FROM THE SOURCE OF THEIR TRAUMA in order to heal. Please do not force them to interact with her when they are not ready. They will resent you for it, and NOTHING GOOD will come from that. She damaged them, please don't add to that damage.

I wish you peace and healing away from your disgraceful, adulterous, soon-to-be ex-wife.

Nothere

After thinking about it all night I think I perhaps should push my children to be in their mothers life. Her life as she knew it is about to end in less than a year and I think everyone is right and that she is on a path of destruction. I'll talk to my kids later and I would like some input on what to say though I have a pretty good idea already

I agree. Although pushing may be to strong a description. Encouraging, fostering, or facilitating may be better approaches. Something that suggests a gentler approach and that they have a choice. I would explain that what your STBXW did is grounds for you no longer being her H regardless of her remorse, but they are still her kids and her sorrow over her actions should make some difference. Explain her need for support too even though she did the one thing that would cause you to D. Remorse appears to be a distinction between your STBXW and your mom. Perhaps it is something you could build off of? What do you think of that?

As a Christian my goal was always to Glorify God and after that it was to get married and have a family. After she said yes I cried so much that I almost passed out I was so happy

When my children were born and I thanked her and when we were just by each other I couldn't have been happier. This was the goal I was working for and this is what I thought about everyday when I turned 18 and now it's gone forever

I get it, what you wanted and spent your life working toward was destroyed without your agency. It sucks and I am very sorry it happened to you. Truly. Perhaps turning toward your faith and examining scriptural lessons for rebuilding is a way forward?

A way forward without her, yes. I don't want to reconcile. I first came here basically to journal down everything and vent. I'm now looking for advice on how to help my children. Counciling is already planned.

I will forgive her someday however I won't take her back no matter what happens. Playing the Christian card when you don't understand context or anything is really dishonest.

Why would I want to rebuild with a monster? My self esteem isn't THAT low

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 9:08 PM, Friday, March 25th]

You’re certainly within your rights to move forward without her given her A. I don’t fault you for that.

I’m talking about rebuilding your life not your marriage.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 9:09 PM, Friday, March 25th]

Well, I for one applaud you for knowing yourself, knowing that you can't tolerate reconciliation, knowing that you need to move on and divorce her because of her betrayal.

As a teen who went through this with my parent, I have to add that I disagree with the other posters saying you should encourage your kids to keep or foster a relationship with their mother. They are 16 and 17, nearly adults and they know how they feel just as strongly as you do. Pushing them to do the opposite of what they feel will push them away from you. You gave them the absolute right advice the first time you spoke to them. You continued to do so by telling them to stop calling her names. I am sure you are feeling obliterated in some ways but you are handling this very, very well. Keep on being you and take your best path towards the divorce.