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Also how do I quote/reply? All the buttons besides the profile one aren't tapable

Also how do I quote/reply? All the buttons besides the profile one aren't tapable

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Very emotional talk with my wife tonight I don't really want to get into besides when I brought up getting her and the kids counseling which she agreed with. She also wants to do a polygraph test.

She really wants to save this and it's depressing and honestly, a little annoying to hear her remorse and guilt. Where was it when she did this to me? When she knew how my life was uprooted because my mom killed my dad doing the same thing she's doing. It's incomprehensible, I already know why she did it, because she's a bad person. But she still needs counciling.

The biggest things I want to know are if she confessed because she actually wanted to. I already know obs didn't know but maybe om was going to tell me. As well as if sex of any kind was only once. We scheduled it for Wednesday so looking forward to that I guess.

I was advised to share more by this trial online therapist I'm seeing before I actually commit and do it in person so yeah

Nothere 759,

OP, it's your choice of course, but since you seem dead set on divorce (which I agree with completely), why go through with the poly?

I get SHE wants to do it. Have her pay for it then, have it come out of her side of the split of your finances etc.

I mean, she fails to realize that there is NOTHING she can say or have come out of the poly that will change your mind.

I get folks in her position want to grasp at straws, but there are ZERO straws for her to even reach for and try to grasp here.

It doesn't matter if she had sex one time, five times, ten times, with just one AP or three of them etc.

She cheated and THAT is the issue and that will not go away in her poly.

What she wants, which is for you to try and reconcile with her, can't come out of her poly, not unless she can un-fvck that man and that can't happen with her poly.

I'm baffled by her wanting to take a poly. There is nothing her taking a poly can show you, prove to you to make you change your mind and WANT to try and reconcile with her.

She KNEW about your mom and what your stance was about this, cheating and what it did to your father, and she still chose to do this and a poly won't do shite to change or affect that.

So she threw her morals in the gutter, that was her choice and decision and she did it intentionally.

She knows your stance on this, that cheating is a deal breaker for you (it is for me too). Knowing that cheating is a deal breaker for you, she still chose to cheat and she wants you to set aside your deal breaker regarding cheating because she cheated on you and she wants you to try and reconcile with her.

She is the one who intentionally chose to cheat and she wants you to toss aside your personal moral convictions regarding infidelity and it being a deal breaker to you. I can't fathom a person doing either of those things, cheating and then being upset that their spouse doesn't want to try and reconcile when they KNEW, knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that cheating was a deal breaker for their partner.

I can't begin to understand how a person can cheat and then have the nerve to tell their partner they want them to try and reconcile with them when they knew cheating was a deal breaker for them. And she knew about what your mother did to your father and to you on top of this.

My dad took too long to reach the conviction you have early on in this, but when he did reach your level, he lived it and he continues to live it.

My dad has not talked to or seen my mom since 2013. They live almost a thousand miles apart too.

OP, I'm am so sorry your children and you are in this position. My dad, like you, wanted the life long marriage, to sit on the porch swing in their 70's and watch their grandkids play etc.

I'm the only daughter of their 3 children and when I get married, my mother won't be there. I don't want her there. My dad will walk me down the aisle though. My mom knowingly and intentionally chose what she did and she has been and will continue facing the consequences of her intentional actions too.

I'm out of college now, but I haven't been with my mother on a major holiday since my senior year of high school. In college, I spent all the major holidays (Xmas, Easter and Thanksgiving) with my father and I've continued doing that since graduating college too.

My mom had the nerve to be upset with me regarding this. I said she chose this, not me.

Folks, she didn't just cheat one time, but many times, with many different men. She's mean, greedy, selfish, materialistic and on and on. Like I said, my dad took too long to reach his breaking point, but then he did, thankfully.

OP, your children and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Very emotional talk with my wife tonight I don't really want to get into besides when I brought up getting her and the kids counseling which she agreed with.

This is a good thing. It's kind and decent to encourage it for your WS and really important for your children.

It's incomprehensible, I already know why she did it, because she's a bad person. But she still needs counciling.

Yes, I know how you feel. It's incomprehensible. Inconceivable. Impossible. I felt all those things after Dday. Figuring out how to remake your reality around the inconceivable is a big part of the healing process.

I agree that she's a bad person. But she probably hasn't always been a bad person. Even though you rightfully want D, understanding what she discovers about herself in counselling and why she chose to become a bad person might be helpful for you in dealing with this trauma.

The biggest things I want to know are if she confessed because she actually wanted to. I already know obs didn't know but maybe om was going to tell me. As well as if sex of any kind was only once. We scheduled it for Wednesday so looking forward to that I guess.

I think that's a valid question. Confessions of infidelity that are not compelled by discovery or other circumstances are extremely rare.

I was advised to share more by this trial online therapist I'm seeing before I actually commit and do it in person so yeah

I'm very happy for you for taking this step. I know that your experience with therapy wasn't good so I hope that even if this therapist isn't the right one for you that you can find something in it that will lead you to keep looking for the right one.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 5:59 AM, Tuesday, March 29th]

Encouraging it for my wife is more so I won't be burdened further by her if she does anything stupid in the future. She needs to move on and get with the program because it's so annoying. Her why's aren't important, it'll probably be something stupid like mommy was mean to her so she needs to suck dick to feel good about herself. (How original) whatever

Sorry venting again but I'd be lying if I didn't mean it. Filing soon and when I'm free in the 90 days after I'll find someone else and that will be that

Shit wasted life

I see SI as a sounding-board where people can share their experiences and reality, so that others can learn. That’s why I feel a need to make the following claim regarding the impact of infidelity on the divorce outcome.
If you have legal representation suggesting some past events in some estate-dispute at probate court might have impact on actions in THIS court – i.e. the court of your divorce – then I would take that advice with quite a lot of salt. I would make 100% certain you understand what, how and even if that impact is real. I personally SERIOUSLY doubt a statement about your mothers infidelity and it’s effect on your dad’s health made at probate court can in any way, form or factor impact your present-day divorce. Seriously.

In some states infidelity can impact divorce. Maybe your attorney is referring to that. If that’s the case then make sure you have the legally required evidence of the infidelity. However, rule-of-thumb seems to be that the infidelity needs to have cost the marriage in direct financial factors (like giving a lover a diamond bracelet, spending cash on a vacation with AP etc.). I seriously doubt a one-night-stand qualifies. Make sure you understand your attorney on this issue and that you are evaluating what he says correctly.
GENERALLY all infidelity can do regarding divorce is possibly give the BS a bargaining chip: I get to keep my pension and I will file no-fault. If you try to touch my pension I file fault and subpoena the OM sort of threat/pressure.

Her future?
Its not your concern once you divorce. Worrying about her future is akin to worrying about the future attendance of an employee you fired for constantly being late to work. Divorce is not an alternative form of marriage.

The shortest distance from A to B tends to be a straight line. IMHO your A is where you are now, and B should be happiness. I’m not referring to shallow I-just-ate-a-steak happiness, but a sense of calm and purpose.
Imagine this scenario 5 years from now: Imagine you are knee-deep at a lake, casting your fly-rod in perfect weather and hitting a spot you KNOW has some nice brown-trout. At that moment you might want to pause to reflect on your blessings and how fortunate you are to be where you are. You don’t want to be thinking about what a b%%h your ex is, what she might be doing, if she’s happy with her new BF, if your mom is miserable and how the world is all caving in around you.

You have stated repeatedly that you want to divorce. THAT is the road you are taking from A to B. Divorce isn’t the destination – it’s rather the path or mode of transportation. By having her do a poly, by possibly prolonging the divorce… it’s the equivalent of making a stop in NY on your drive from Chicago to LA. It’s not relevant to the process of divorce.

I think you should probably divorce. Way too many issues around your childhood/mom that stand in the way of reconciliation, along with the infidelity which is already hard enough.

You have a very black and white view of the world, and you hold on to anger. You rejected your mother forever and blame her for your father’s death. That’s pretty extreme. How would you feel if your kids did the same to your wife/stbx? Just probe it a little.

I just think you have too extreme a worldview to try to reconcile. I think it would benefit you to be able to see some greys, someday. But this scenario (infidelity of the wife/mother) is way overdetermined for you, it’s just not going to work. Because forgiving your stbx would mean you also have to re-think your history with your mom. And I don’t think you can do that while you are still holding on to so much hatred.

Your current anger is justified, of course. At the same time, your STBXWW's guilt and remorse are both not that common and also a good thing... even with your impending D. Good for her as the mother of your children and for you, so hopefully you can eventually co-parent without anger and animosity. Many waywards never confess, never get to the point where it sounds like your STBXWW is already; I think this will eventually help to smooth your road ahead.

Personally, I think it is better to usually think of a WW as "weak" rather than "bad". What she did was bad but she did it from weakness and failings, not some inner evil core. That seems pretty clear to me about your wife based on her confessing to you and from the remorse you are seeing her display. It's a change in perception that you may not agree with right now but can have a big impact on your outlook and having that post D co-parenting potentially be more successful.

Affairs are just devastating. Maybe it's just me, but I couldn't help but think that Will Smith's uncontrolled anger directed at Chris Rock was somehow a residual of unresolved infidelity consequences in his marriage. His irrational response to come to the defense of his WW wife may be the consequence of some sort of unconscious mechanism to rescue his manhood that he feels has been robbed by his WW's infidelity. I think he would have rather belted the OM.

I think that OP has the absolute right to seek a divorce as a result of his wife's ONS. I don't feel that it is an unreasonable position. If he can't live with it, he shouldn't have to do so. No explanation or justification is needed. Yet, I can't help but think that he is afraid to let his guard down one millimeter, in fear that he might backtrack and change his mind. Most of us that have gone through infidelity I believe feel that we have been caught between a rock and a hard place. I think in OP's instance, it is especially true. His characterization of his wife as being evil is necessary if he is to hold the line on his decision to divorce her. It's probably irrational, but necessary to save his being and manhood that would be sacrificed in his mind if he stays in the marriage. I feel I sacrificed mine by staying after my ex-WW's first affair.

Affairs are just so devastating. We sometimes end up doing irrational things in order to cope.

Well I might as well do the polygraph for piece of mind since everything is almost ready regarding filing.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 6:48 PM, Tuesday, March 29th]

Annanew

Already way ahead of you. What my children do is up to them. I've made it clear I don't want them to be like me, even if I've done nothing wrong. I will respect whatever choice they make. When they leave for California to go to college I'm going with them is something I'm certain of. They want to go right after the divorce but I don't think they understand that you can't just relocate that fast especially since they're still in highschool and it's March. I'll figure it out. House is going to be sold I don't want it.

The only thing I'm worried about now is if it's worse than I thought or if she has one of those manipulative breakdowns you have to call 911 for that cheating wives love to do on here.

Bigger

I realize that however he said specifically emotional distress and PTSD (diagnosed) might garner sympathy and understanding. I don't know, he said it couldn't hurt. Plus, I need all I can get since the kids want me.

Your wife wants to do the polygraph for one reason. She is hoping the results will convince you to entertain giving her a second chance.

You have agreed to do the polygraph for your own piece of mind. Recognize that participating in this process will give her false hope about a reconciliation. It doesn't matter that you have been clear and continue to be clear about your intention to divorce.

Caveat - polygraphs can be fooled. They are far from infallible.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 11:01 AM, Wednesday, March 30th]

OP. Did I miss this? Who did she have the ONS with?

A client

Also it's not my problem if it gives her false hope. She'll understand it when I serve her.

Well I might as well do the polygraph for piece of mind since everything is almost ready regarding filing

I’m not grasping what could possibly be in this for either of you. From what I read her, she’s already done the worst thing to you and your family. It doesn’t matter if it was one time or a hundred times.

From her perspective, how could a polygraph help her? She’s already done something terrible. Will the details matter that much now? What can a polygraph verify that’s positive for her and you? What point or issue or fact is that important?

How is that piece of mind? You’ve made up your mind to divorce.

I just want to know if she is telling the truth. I don't know why that's so weird. She thinks it will give her a chance.

From her meeting with her brother (her boss), is her job in jeopardy because she slept with a client?

Yes. That's why everything is full steam ahead. I need to get this done so I don't have to give her any alimony if/when she's fired. Hope she keeps it so she can give me child support since I'm getting the kids.

Her brother owns the company. Is he firing her for legal reasons, moral outrage at his sister’s breach of company ethics regulations, the client’s wife knows snd is threatening to sue?