SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey LO,

IF your wife was sexually traumatized when she was younger, it is possible that she may have developed Dissociative Identity Disorder

I respectfully disagree. I was a victim of the most extreme childhood sex abuse from both parents, to the point I developed a dissociative disorder. No promiscuity ever in my life. Dissociative disorder and multiple personality disorder are very different. The second one is extremely rare. If she was dissociative, she would not have any recall of what she had done during a dissociative episode, and I presume she does recall all that she has done. I mean there would be a complete blank of hours, totally gone. Like a blackout.

I find it troubling when people look for excuses for terrible behavior. Your wife's behavior was terrible, and she should own it. Period.

But, she is my wife, and she said she did this to hurt me, and she said the experience with the OM were better than me, and maybe it was the adrenaline but there are some facts that make it difficult to ignore she wasn't just saying it to hurt me - she was being honest.

Likely she did not INTENTIONALLY want to hurt you. They don't know how to react when caught/found out etc. She's mad you know, so she is going to say something hurtful. Many of them do. H has had many incredible excuses (in the beginning) he actually told me he did it because "I was TOO SMART and used big words" (you can't make this Shit up)... My response (after seeing her picture) "You fucked some coworker that is fat, ugly, covered in moles, just had a kid AND is STUPID?" (where was Charlie Sheen then "#winning"!!! )

Which leads to

So I am competing with other men, with my own wife! And losing! Besides, we've all been through this here, right? Does someone telling you "it's not about you" helpful to any of us? Okay, so let's just accept that it's not about us; does it make the pain go away? At all? Not really, for me at least.

NO!!! someone telling me it was not about me did not make the pain go away... but as I REALLY began to look at that (combined with ALL the help I was getting at SI)... I stopped beating myself up. All I can say is... "It's not my fault, I am not the broken one". I focused on healthy me. Mind. Body. Spirit. Not easy in the beginning when you just find out and every emotion is raw. But KNOWING it was not about me, helped me to know it was OK to love me and do good for me... even when my self esteem took a direct hit.

For everyone the experience is similar, how it ends? varied. There are happy R, crappy S, False R, Bitter D, and D that makes happier BS's.

IC and MC is a healthy place to begin.

(((LO)))

~SSTS

SSTS - You know what's funny - my wife was complaining about me to all the different men she met with, telling them I was "too smart" too. One guy, the one she was having the deep EA with, even asked, "well how smart is he?" She quickly shot back, "smarter than you," and he kind of gasped, taken aback.

She said whenever we argue I always win "because I'm like a lawyer." I know that's not a compliment, sorry to all the lawyers here - btw - I'd love to sue some of these OM if I could - I think I'd have a case against a big company for paying one of their employees to brows craigslist all day and meet with other men's wives as he cheats on his, and give tips to married women on how to cheat, and meet at hotels on company time, and when I tell the CEO of the company they keep him hired, and I get things in the mail with quotes from the very guy who had sex with my wife and they won't do anything about it...!!! Rant over.

NO!!! someone telling me it was not about me did not make the pain go away... but as I REALLY began to look at that (combined with ALL the help I was getting at SI)... I stopped beating myself up. All I can say is... "It's not my fault, I am not the broken one". I focused on healthy me. Mind. Body. Spirit. Not easy in the beginning when you just find out and every emotion is raw. But KNOWING it was not about me, helped me to know it was OK to love me and do good for me... even when my self esteem took a direct hit.

Very well said, and I think I understand what you're saying and how I need to look at it.

Thanks again so much.

So I am competing with other men, with my own wife! And losing!

Not exactly competing with other men. Competing with a fantasy. Nobody can win that.

Besides, we've all been through this here, right? Does someone telling you "it's not about you" helpful to any of us?

No, not until you believe it. When you believe it, it will prevent any more self inflicted hurt over this.

It's the wierdest thing for me sometimes to read the stuff you are living - so similar as you report it.

(I am so tired - was in the mountains for 3 days - I am a beach person - and it was so beautiful with snow and flowers and sun...)

About my wife, he said, "she must have been abused" and "she has some major issues"

The behaviour stood out to say this early, definitely. She is recreating a dynamic that was horrific but also a turn-on. Sex fantasies are "imprinted" like left-handedness.

Frankl's book has been in my sig line for years, LO. It was important to me.

My wife treated most of the AP's like sh&t, LO. She even told the LTA guy she would never date him if she were single and that he was ugly and dumb compared to me.?.1?

She said whenever we argue I always win "because I'm like a lawyer."

Could be verbatim from my wife, dude. Stop that. There has to be a better way to communicate and I suspect it is to stop protecting yourself with intelligence and learn more about what you feel, and say it.

I'm too tired to do a good job of this, but: I believe that, as a coping mechanism for the SA, your wife limited her "awareness" and diverted much that was intolerable to the "compartmentalization." It doesn't mean she's dumb. It does mean you can use logic to "prove" she's "wrong." LO, a man will be true to his word, a woman will be true to her feelings. Both are true.

Hers may be pathological or may not, but their her feelings. To lose that would feel like going insane to her. Remember, you are thinking "if-then," and she is thinking "yeah-and"

Must sleep. Hang in LO, and take care of YOU.

Edited to correc the worst typo. Bien Nuit

[This message edited by idealist at 12:45 AM, April 29th (Friday)]