SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, count me in as to him gaslighting you and making it all about him. No one said cheaters are the most altruistic people on earth after all.

"He is still so wrapped up in his own "self healing" that he says he is struggling with how to help me and help himself be a better man at the same time. "

Hey, I've got a suggestion that will accomplish both and someone already made a blueprint for him. Have him read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" It's a thin book, larger print, can be downloaded off the 'net and read in a couple of hours. Then have him follow up with "Not Just Friends"

Good luck & keep listening to your gut, no one said this crap was easy!

I've read this book and agree that it was very helpful good luck!

There hasn't been so much interest in finding out what is in there ... since Geraldo opened Al Capone's safe.

Not making fun of the situation at all but I would have already been IN that locker!

i dont find it plausible that he would rent the locker BEFORE his friend passed away.

unfortunately, im not sure if you will EVER know the truth now about what is in the locker. he will have had sufficient time to either take things out or move them in - in either case you wont know. you will never know if what you see or dont see in the locker was there all along.

i have to admit that i also have a morbid curiousity about what is in this locker

[This message edited by william at 4:47 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]

@ william,

Ashamedly, a lot of us are curious. We do get an emotional connection to some of these threads and the stories as the develop. Some are funny and some are tragic, but there's nothing worse than not getting the good parts, like somebody tore the last page of the book out.

I realize that would sound cold and uncaring if we all hadn't been through it ourselves. More than once we all have wanted to reach through the computer and grab somebody and shake some sense into them, or give them a hug.

[This message edited by twisted at 2:59 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]

He is hyper-focused on his relationship with the lord and church

Mine is paying lip- service to this, yet continues to commit adultery. When I challenged him on this, he said that God wants him to be happy, and OW makes him happy, therefore she was brought to him by God.

I also want to say, gently, that when I read your update, all I could see was you rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him so that his story would be plausible.

I only see that because it takes one to know one. Since I have stopped doing that, the reality of his behaviors has started slapping me in the face on a daily basis.

Be safe. Be strong. File.

Mine is paying lip- service to this, yet continues to commit adultery. When I challenged him on this, he said that God wants him to be happy, and OW makes him happy, therefore she was brought to him by God.

I also want to say, gently, that when I read your update, all I could see was you rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him so that his story would be plausible.

I only see that because it takes one to know one. Since I have stopped doing that, the reality of his behaviors has started slapping me in the face on a daily basis.

minor t/j to the bolded--- end t/j

I have to agree with this post. if I found out my WH had a secret storage locker, I would have been there immediately after the discovery, bolt cutters in hand, and be damned with the legal consequences. Honestly. and if I had found nothing of meaning, my response would be "oops, sorry, my bad, but maybe you shouldn't be hiding stuff from me."

gently-- it's really hard to face some of the truths we BSs have to, but the only way to the other side is thru, KWIM???

at this point, any "evidence" is probably gone,but you really should pack everyone in the car and get to it. make him open it for you and go thru it with a fine tooth comb.

((((()))))) stay strong.

Hi honey. How are you doing?

(((((Dyinginside21)))))

In an effort to stay sane and really absorb all that has been going on I had to take a break from the site and all the noise for a while.

While I totally feel that most posts are coming from a place of strength and support, I needed some time to consider all of your suggestions and well as my own needs.

I cant keep re-explaining myself. It's starting to take the focus away from my hurt and more on the juicy mystery of it all. My last post laid out my needs based on my gut and my heart. I have been stifling my gut for years when it comes to him and my marriage.

I didn't give him 30 days to meet my demands. I gave him 30 days to decide if he were going to move back home. Agree or disagree, I was comfortable with that time frame because as the one who was willing to R, I didn't want to file on impulse. Everything I am reading supports that and I feel it makes sense. I don't want a D. I would prefer to R, but only if he is willing to do the work.

If I change my mind before those 30 days, then I would have no problem filing.

I have to consider how my actions affect me and my children. He hasn't been doing that EVER, so I need to keep doing it for them.

If my situation was just about the A, then maybe I could do the cookie cutter process of handling the situation.

Im trying to work with the therapist and take advice from her as well. My WH is so beyond broken that Im not sure HE can be fixed, let alone our M. I just don't want to regret any impulsive decision.

For those only concerned with the specifics about the storage unit:

1. Friend #1 died in 2012

2. Friend #2 died in June 2013

3. Friend #2 held furniture of Friend #1 in garage (I was aware of this fact)

4. When Friend #2 died, WH moved furniture from Friend #2's garage to storage unit in July 2013. (I was NOT aware of this fact.)

5. He was paying for it through his individual checking account debit card and/or cash. (I am now on that account as of two days ago).

6. The Ledger sent to me by management matches WH timeline. Management sent it via email within 2 mins of my request.

If there is anything else in the storage unit other than said furniture, I do not know. He hasn't had access to it since confessing to it, unless he has a clone.

My gut tells me that what is in there is no more a threat to my M than anything else. The problem isn't what's in it, but that he kept its existence from me.

This is typical behavior for him outside of any A. It wouldn't have to do with the A for him to keep it to himself. He has issues, this we know. He can justify not telling me because it didn't concern me, because everything is about him. His friend. His furniture. His decision. His way of thinking.

Only child with unhealthy mother/son relationship. She is more selfish than he. But that is a whole other Oprah!!

He wants help, via the therapist not me, to help stop being so selfish. Admitting to something he has always denied gives me some encouragement that he wants to change. I cant make him do it, but I do feel like I need to give it some time to see what can happen before rushing to file.

I have to live with my decision so it has to feel right. I know myself and when I know it time, I'll know.

He has written NC letter, but he needs to make some edits because it was not to my satisfaction.

Seeing the therapist again today.

Hoping for the better, but prepared for worst. Truly, I am.

I'm going to weigh in here and say I think you should find out what is in there but be prepared for the worst. What you find out may rock your world again. In my own awful experience I have learned that what your WS tells you is not, be any means, the whole story.

My heart goes out to you.

Thanks for checking in DI...been thinking about you. I am glad you took a break and took some time for reflection...to mull over your situation.

Take all the time you need to feel better and looking towards a better future for yourself and your child. Your a good mommy.

I wish you strength and clarity in the coming days and weeks.

((((DI & DD)))))

Gla to hear from you again DI. you seem to have found some clarity a some strength. Know that whatever you decide we will always have an opinion and encourage you to do what we feel will save you from further hurt.

I get giving him time to decide and not rushin into a decision. The reason we push for sooner than later is it often takes a shock of losing your M for the WS to wake up and start to really do the work of R. There's a phrase here of needing to be willing to loose the M to save it. I am a firm believer and proof of it.

The problem isn't what's in it, but that he kept its existence from me.

Exactly. I can't imagine that the issues that lead to that behavior are going to be resolved in 30 days.

I know you don't want to file. I get it. I didn't want to either. For SO many reasons.

When you found out about the A, did it take you 30 days to know you wanted to save your marriage?

Please know that the advice given here comes from a place of caring and experience. Know too that we will always support YOU, even if we don't agree with your decisions. We've all btdt and insisted on doing it out own way, at some point, to the great distress of the veterans here on SI!!

Take care of you. Don't make decisions from a place of fear.

(((Hugs)))

Hugs for you

Everyone here has their different experiences. For me, I completely relate to not wanting to act on impulse. I stayed with a friend for about two months while my now ex and I decided whether or not we were going to stay together. At the end of that time, he was unwilling to change his behavior, and I got my own apartment. Even then, I gave it a full year before I brought up filing for divorce. And then he wanted to go to counseling, which we tried. We finally just filed for divorce, five years later, once I was finally at peace with that being the best decision for me, and he and I are on good terms now, even though we're divorced. The way we handled it gave us the best fighting chance we could, exhausted all possibilities of staying together, and ultimately finding peace in the decision, for both of us, and saving both of us from a nasty split because we could be amicable and recognize that this was indeed the best solution for us and our future happiness. I'm not suggesting you wait two months, a year, five years, whatever, just agreeing with you that you know what you need for yourself to make the best decision you can, for yourself, on your timeline. Big decisions don't need to be hasty, some of us can make them right away, some of us need more time, haste is subjective and relative. Keep doing what you need to do.

I admire you for putting your story out here, and taking in all the different opinions which are often what you dont want to hear.

My confusion with the 30 day timeline is this: is the 30 days for you or for him? I mean, you state you want to R. So in effect you are giving him 30 days to decide if HE wants to R? I would be wary of the fact that he is wishy washy and not 100% committed to R off the bat. To me, that is his choicek in ither words, his indecision/inactivity IS a decision (that being, not to commit)

I dont think you've addressed this, but I assume he is still in contact with OW and actively in his A? Is that true?

Why was his NC letter not acceptable to you?

My concern is you by giving him this time, could be doing yourself a big disservice if he is planning (secretly) to divorce. And the fact he wants the therapist to help him, not you, seems like he's distancing himself which does not bode well for R. Im not trying to be harsh, just give an objective viewpoint based on his actions as relayed by you, in the hope you can protect yourself and children from further damage by this man. I do fully understand you love him, and how confusing it all can be.

The poster above made a great point - how long did it take you after Dday to decide your preference is R? Why is it taking him so long to decide?

Hugs

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 10:37 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

My concern is you by giving him this time, could be doing yourself a big disservice if he is planning (secretly) to divorce.

This is *exactly* what happened to me. I thought we were R and he was just struggling with ending the A, going NC, etc. Then I found the email that said, "thank you for supporting my plan to leave Nekorb.".

It was all a lie.

Just be cautious, ok?

ShiningAutumn8:

The 30 days was more for me. I needed to really take my time and be comfortable with my decision. I may not need it, but I put that out there as my max. It sounded good, I guess. I've been doing a lot of reading and most of what I have been reading (books mainly) suggests 3 to 6 months before deciding to D based on their experience as MC therapists. Im NOT waiting that long!!!!

Im trying to save myself and my kids the extended trauma of filing once, stopping the D if things change and then possibly starting it up again.

Im still in shock. Still so in pain some days that I need the time to really get my head straight on this.

With regard to his still being involved with OW. He says he has had no contact with her since the day he told her he was going to come clean to me, which was a couple of days before D-Day. I have no evidence to the contrary, but taking everything with a grain of salt. His last date of physical contact was Nov. 2013 according to him.

My reasons for not being satisfied with the NC letter was because it didn't address the A specifically or me. He was offering way too much explanation for why he needed to end it and it just sounded all wrong. It wasn't what I had hoped for.

I cant fix him. Only he can with the help of a therapist. That's all I meant by saying that only the therapist and not me can help him. He never said that. I did.

He has been running from me and the idea of true intimacy for years. He is trying to learn how to stop running from everyone, including me. Especially me.

His therapist wants to get him stable (back on his meds and maybe add one more) before she recommends that we start MC, which she insists we aren't ready for. She suggested IC for each of us for a while longer, which we are both doing.

In my experience with him he goes through life just doing what comes next, without a plan or without a goal. Typical for untreated/improperly treated ADHD. He also does this without regard for how it affects others. He has a lot of narcissistic traits, but therapist is confident he doesn't have full blown narcissistic personality disorder, which would be a no-brainer for D. She believes he wants to change and she is trying to help him.

But because we are dealing with such unhealthy personality traits, it makes the steps that need to be taken to help me heal that much more difficult and unorthodox.

He has committed to moving back in and working on the M, but he understands that the conditions need to be met first.

I cant compare my decision making skills with his. He chose to have an affair. I chose to remain faithful.

Hugs DI21. Just big hugs.

have you looked into this storage unit yet?

and as oldtimer said below - yes, i want to know how YOU are doing too. you have been through alot!

[This message edited by william at 3:39 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)]

Not just the storage unit, but what about the decision after 30 days?