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Him: I'm going to "get right with god."

You: Glad to hear it because you need to. Now get in the car and let's go have a look inside that unit.

Him: (opening his mouth to waste some more oxygen)

You: (don't notice because you are sitting in the car waiting on him)

Gonna you are just awesome! That is exactly what he needs to do!

Yeah, I agree with the others.

How was he paying for this unit without you seeing it for over a year? And the unit was rented BEFORE the death of this supposed friend whose furniture is in the unit?

Red flags are flapping all over the place.

You should have NEVER tipped your hand. That unit is now being cleaned out at record speed.

I hate to sound selfish, but I HAVE to know how this ends and what's in that storage box!

Yeah, I agree with others. So he miraculously decided to let you know about the unit the day after you called about it? If he had it secret this long, he quite probably even had an agreement with the office to notify him if anyone called about it. He could give all kinds of sob stories, my ex wife is crazy, etc.

Ok and anyway, this female friend whom he says he stored it for, do you know her? Why would he do a favor of this magnitude for ANY woman behind your back?

I hate to sound selfish, but I HAVE to know how this ends and what's in that storage box!

heck I'm right here too.

In light of the fact that it's right near his work, he obviously has been paying in cash.... I wonder if this is a little independently owned place and they let him know. Heck it could be a side business of someone he works with, or owned by a friend or relative of one of his co-workers.

Also this whole "he had to remind me about how we had talked about it, and explain to me that I forgot" thing is just screaming out LIAR. Wouldn't you have remembered when you found the key then?

My concern for the OP is he is going to divorce her, period, and it looks like he fully intends to have the jump on her, and she just can't believe that her own husband would be so cruel so she is in denial while he calmly gets his ducks in a row. By the time she can see clearly the whole chain of events she might be left in poverty.

OP, go out there by yourself, with your children, without them, it doesn't matter. Please stop saying you cannot figure out what to do with your kids for just one afternoon. Do not even take your husband with you. He will never allow you to see the inside of that storage unit.

Get the key off his keyring and go. If there was a million dollars in there free for the first person, could you get there first thing in the morning? Could you go right now?

Old-timer here....I get it. I sooo remember how badly I wanted to believe the stories I was handed too. In my head, I could construe it just enough that maybe...just maybe...he was telling the truth.

He wasn't. My heart of heart knew that - just took time for me to fully get it.

I hear a lot of my ex in your WH. The forgetfulness, etc. They only forget (or say they told you) when it benefits their story. Ugh. Makes my stomach/heart hurt.

Forget going to the storage unit with him. He knows you knew - anything sniffing of proof has been removed.

Please keep reading what these folks have to say. I clearly remember what ppl told me four years ago that helped me have that 'light bulb' moment so I could get out of that endless circle with my own WH.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:01 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

^^^^Me too EK. The lamest stories, dash of crocodile tears, sprinkle of therapy jargon, bake at 350 and I was good to go. Till the next crisis.

I didn't want a divorce, and I didn't even have children, so with little ones, I can't even imagine.

Anytime the W starts in with the "forget" it's bad. "I forgot" or "I told you but you forgot"

Worse than lying is gaslighting.

Old-timer here....I get it. I sooo remember how badly I wanted to believe the stories I was handed too. In my head, I could construe it just enough that maybe...just maybe...he was telling the truth.

He wasn't. My heart of heart knew that - just took time for me to fully get it.

^^^^ This. We want to believe what they tell us. We want to believe they are being honest. We look at their faces and hear their words and everything in us screams that this must be it! They must be understanding! We're going to be safe!

It's a common emotional response. You're used to trusting him. It's a hard habit to break. But you should not trust him now.

You could also have him backup his words with Actions. I thought I remembered reading that he has had the storage unit for a while, (would this be longer then the A?)

Have him pull the bank statements and prove it, Does it go back to the time of the friend passing?

With the comments about how do you pay for it and forget or don't remember... going to say it could be quite easy, if it was setup on an automatic payment.

That said... you still need to verify his words with physical proof, like looking in the storage unit.

[This message edited by spond at 1:21 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

Hey everyone,

I had to go back and re-read my update cause I think I confused some of you.

He didn't volunteer the info about the storage unit miraculously.

I'll keep it short, cause I am long winded...

I pressed and pressed at him that I knew he was keeping things from me. I listed as many scenarios as I could muster: Is OW pregnant, Is there already a baby? Are you gambling? Are you doing favors for friends? Are you spending $$ that I don't know about? I said, "If you were to drop dead tomorrow, what or whom would show up at my door asking for anything?" I reminded him that he has been leading a double life so obviously there are things I don't know that I have right to know.

It took awhile, but he said, "The only thing would be the storage unit for Mel's stuff."

I acted shocked and outdone and he proceeded to explain. I was aware of the furniture, but the original situation was that he was keeping the antique furniture at his friends house (the one who committed suicide last year). This I knew about. No gaslighting. Im not that dumb. Once that friend died, he moved the furniture out of his friends garage and into the storage unit which is why the billing begins one month after suicide friends death. This is what I DID NOT know. And what he then apologized for.

Again, anything is possible. At this point I am so over the covert, spying that I can't think straight.

I wrote him an e-mail this morning giving him an ultimatum.

If he wants back into the house he must:

1. Write the NC letter today

2. Give me all passwords to all accounts

3. Give me access to our wireless accounts

4. Make no more financial decisions without me

5. Show me contents of storage unit before then closing it out by months end.

These are all things he CLAIMS he is willing to do, but hasn't yet.

Without commitment to all 5 conditions, he has 30 days to get his shit together or I file for D.

No more talking, no more discussions. He hasn't paid a single price for what he has done. He is hyper-focused on his relationship with the lord and church and he is forgetting me and our family. Im not playing second fiddle to god. I've been playing 3rd fiddle to his mother and OW for far too long. Im done!

I've already seen an attorney and she has everything in place and ready for me should I need to file or even before I file, to get a court order to access his accounts, both joint and individual. She knows the whole story and assured me what my rights are and what I am entitled to. I'll keep updating her and am giving her the info for the storage unit. I have a pretty good idea about what my support would be for a while. In the meantime I can take my time before moving closer to my mom with the kids and finding a job.

Ball is in his court. Im done talking. So, so done!!!

Since he's claiming the Lord's name, I urge you to go to A Cry For Justice's website & read encouragement for YOU. As an example, here's what they put on their FB page today:

10 signs you're being gaslit:

1. You're told something is normal that you can feel deep in your bones is not. Say your husband (or partner or boyfriend or even friend) does something you find strange. Like ask you to lie for him. You don't think this is right. You say so. He comes back with something like, "Every wife would do this. We're a team. I'm in trouble and I need you. I can't believe you don't think that this is normal. There is something wrong with you!"

2. You're told you are paranoid, too sensitive, or stressed out. Again, something strange happens. Your husband is seen out with a woman you don't know. You ask him about it. He has some vague explanation but then tops it off with, "Really, honey, you are totally paranoid to think I'd be cheating on you. Are you hormonal? Maybe you need to see a therapist."

3. You start to exhibit "crazy" behavior. You find yourself doing things that you couldn't imagine doing before you were with your man. Like questioning every time he goes out; accusing him of things that may or may not be true; going through the garbage to find "evidence" that he's lying to you again. You may find yourself desperately scouring the aisles of a grocery store, determined to get the right kind of pasta sauce so you don't "disappoint" him again, and end up having a meltdown when you find they're out of Classico.

4. You mistrust your perceptions. You're constantly being told that what you're seeing, hearing, feeling isn't what you're seeing, hearing, feeling. You tell a joke at a party and everyone laughs, but your husband later tells you you weren't funny. You look in the mirror and see someone who is thin, but he tells you you've gained weight. You've always thought you were smart, but somehow with your husband, you always feel dumb.

5. You begin to accept his perceptions, even though they don't seem true. You were at a restaurant with your husband and struck up a quick conversation with the waiter. Your husband tells you were being flirtacious. "Was I being flirtacious?" you ask yourself, even though that wasn't your intention at all. "I must have been and don't realize it." You ask what you think is a reasonable question only to be told you are harping. "Am I harping?" you think. "Maybe I am a nag."

6. You start to feel like your memory is terrible. Your husband is always saying something to the effect of, "I never said that, did that, promised that," to things you're pretty certain he said, did, or promised. He might tell you that he "never" gets on Facebook, but when you see him on Facebook and mention it, he says, "I didn't say I never went on Facebook. I just hardly go on it." Then you see him on it the next day. And the next.

7. You start to feel like your spouse has a terrible memory. You can have a deep conversation one night about something important to you, only to have your spouse say later, "We never talked about that," "I definitely never said that," or "Did you dream this?" You might get tempted to record conversations just so you can keep them straight.

8. You start lying. In order to avoid all of the mental abuse you'll know you'll get if you say a, b, or c, you start to lie. You were never a liar in the past. You don't lie to other people.

9. You begin to think you're crazy. You have thoughts like, "Maybe he's right and I'm just totally overreacting. I am always overreacting," or "There must be something wrong with me that I'm always on him about stupid things."

10. Depression. The end stage of being gaslighted is that you feel depressed, anxious, unsure, and hopeless. Does he care or not care? Are you oversensitive or do you have a right to complain? You end up getting so confused and disoriented that you check out into depression.

I wrote him an e-mail this morning giving him an ultimatum.

If he wants back into the house he must:

1. Write the NC letter today

2. Give me all passwords to all accounts

3. Give me access to our wireless accounts

4. Make no more financial decisions without me

5. Show me contents of storage unit before then closing it out by months end.

These are all things he CLAIMS he is willing to do, but hasn't yet.

Without commitment to all 5 conditions, he has 30 days to get his shit together or I file for D.

No more talking, no more discussions. He hasn't paid a single price for what he has done. He is hyper-focused on his relationship with the lord and church and he is forgetting me and our family. Im not playing second fiddle to god. I've been playing 3rd fiddle to his mother and OW for far too long. Im done!

I'm glad you have drawn a clear line for him. 1 day is plenty of time to write the NC. Anticipate he may come up with a gazillion excuses. Also anticipate he will clean out all his email accounts before giving you the password, as well as possibly the storage unit (will clean out any incriminating evidence) before taking it to you.

My concern over all is that he has not been putting you first, b/c you ARENT first to him, nor is the marriage a priority for him. I think he has the OW lined up to be in a Relationship with him and is basically just waffling back and forth unable to decide.

Make sure he knows its up to him to sufficiently prove to you it the NC letter has been sent. That is not your job. But just seeing a draft of it and an email is not really evidence its actually been sent, so keep that in mind. I would not at all put it past him to concoct some fake email thread purporting to show it was sent to OW when in fact it wasn't.

He does not need 30 days to give you passwords and show the unit. That's way too long. Give him 2 days to give all that to you and show you the unit, or you file for D.

Again, you cannot control what he will choose to do. But YOU have made the best choices in regards to what YOU can do a result of his choices.

Stay strong!

Give him 24 hours to provide you with what you need. If he fails..file.

I totally, 1,000% agree that 30 days is unreasonable to do the simple things you outlined. One day, maybe two, is all that you should be allowing at this point. And my vote would be for one. Of which that one day is already half over.

But I don't think you should still be negotiating and begging him any longer, which truly is what you're still doing. I understand why you are, though. I was once like you, completely foggy & blind to my reality. I know what it's like to have the truth staring me in the face, but not wanting to see it or act on that knowledge.

We all have to walk our own paths. (((HUGS)))

I have to agree that 30 days is far to long for a few of the issues, and gives him more than enough time to wipe the slate clean.

I would tell him you rethought things and want all of those things in 24 or 48 hours. No more. You have EVERY right to change your mind, and it may be a very good lesson for him to learn you no longer are going to be led by him, but that you choose to lead yourself.

If you have the lawyer all lined up with the info to file, why give him any time at all?

Don't give ultimatums...Just do it!

Calmly tell him that you have changed your mind. Ask him to do your 5 requests NOW. And if he balks then you know what his real answer is and how he really feels about you.

This is war. You gotta play dirty! Don't tell him of your moves. The element of surprise will give you the truest answer of his real heart.

Please act soon...with confidence and strength. And please protect your heart.

I am extremely happy to know that you have seen an attorney. Good.

He does not need 30 days. I have dealt with so many school assignments.... this would be like me not turning in anything all semester long, asking for an "incomplete" with some bs excuse, and the professor saying ok but you have to turn in your assignments within the next 12 years.

Everything you listed can be completed within a matter of 3 hours.

Tell him that because he hasn't done these things already, you're seeing the atty in the morning. See if he changes your mind.

Sometimes I can't help myself so I'll apologize in advance. How about selling this one to the people who do those storage locker bidding war/disappointing results shows?

On a serious note, he is lying. No man keeps antique furniture at the tune of $150 per month. It just doesn't make economic sense unless the furniture is solid gold!

My guess is that there is a hobby you don't know of or approve of in that expensive locker like a being built classic car, a boat for fishing,or some other " man vice" in there.

Or he is planning for D and wanted to hide things from you and a lawyer and the court. Side job equipment that is valuable?

Again, how was he paying for it?

He is hyper-focused on his relationship with the lord and church

I don't think it was God hiding this information from his wife. If God was paying attention, somebody should have had his ass smited ( smoted?) by now.

All of the things you asked me can be accomplished inside a few hours. Why would you give him 30 days? 30 more days to lie to and gaslight you? Why?

NC letter tonight.

All passwords to ALL accounts tonight

Access to ALL bank accounts tonight

Access to wireless phone accounts tonight

Put kids in the car and go to storage facility tonight.

...or he leaves and you file. Don't you want to know one way or the other? Why drag this pain out 30 more days?

It took awhile, but he said, "The only thing would be the storage unit for Mel's stuff."

Deception 101, admit to a plausible half truth in order to sound as though you are fully disclosing a fact, preferably using a cover story that will elicit sympathy.

I'm sorry Hun but I too believe that he is lying to you. He's admitted to the storage unit so that if you find evidence or someone calls the house in relation to it he can explain it away. He's given you a sob story about a dead friends items to make you feel like a jerk for even questioning him and now he has 30 days to move his things to another location..what's the bet he "sells" the furniture before the end of the month.