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I agree completely that he manipulates me. But his Dad has always had some kind of power over him and he manipulates him. My husband wants to make whoever he is around at the time happy. He can be talked to anything, when he is with them. When he is with me, he is different. It is hard to explain.

The Al-Anon meeting is tomorrow. I plan on attending.

I realize that he is pulling me back into his crazy and his drama and I know that I need to step back. I know I need to stop reading the texts. But that is so much easier said than done.

Have you made an appt to see an IC? Along with your meeting, you need to get yourself into therapy.

You need to find out why you don't think you deserve anything better than a lying, cheating, abusive, drug-addicted criminal for a husband.

You act like he's some kind of prize. And besides the cheating, the lying, the abuse, the drug use, the legal problems, being a deadbeat dad, not having a job, the drinking, he's really a wonderful guy.

Really??

I am sure that is where is home plan is. With her and her parents, in their basement. Don't forget, my husband is a 35 year old man and his whore is 33. And living in parents basement. Nice.

Don't forget, the only reason your WS had a home at all is because of YOU. Imagine where you could be in your life if you had a true partner. Someone who WORKED a job in like you do. Someone who is responsible. Rather than this boat anchor you call a husband who has been doing nothing but dragging you down, while you keep trying to prop him up.

This will NEVER GET BETTER if you keep talking to him. Get to your attorney now. File for divorce. Make sure he and his meth-head g/f don't get custody/visitation with your son in the meth house.

Yes, I understand it is easier said than done. That is why I am afraid to pick up the phone,in case he says I love you. I will cave in again. I absolutely understand how hard it is not to read the texts. Could you just buy another phone, let him keep that phone number of the old one, do not give him the new number. Give the old phone to a friend to read the texts, anything important of a practical nature she/he could tell you? I do that sometimes, it helps me to detach.

I think I recognise what you mean when you say he is manipulated easily by others, but not by you. I think that is because he already has you, he does not have to please you. He has you eating out of the palm of his hand, and he knows it, on whatever sub-conscious or conscious level, he knows it. I see the same in my abusive relationship. You are not alone!!

Don't be ashamed of the back forth back forth. You are struggling, you are in this fight to detach. It is a fight, within yourself, and it is a struggle.

What do you hope to find in the texts? A word of love? A bit more of the truth, another lie? Figuring out what you hope to see in those texts may help you to detach. It helps me.

You can do this. You can grieve. You can let go.

You can do this.

BBM- I have been reading this thread and the previous thread from the beginning. You've received so much great advice here.

BBM did you notice you started to feel stronger a few posts ago? I noticed it and so did many others. You had not been hearing from him much and therefore gaining a tiny bit of your power back. Engaging with him takes away your power. You have to stop and stop this now. You are a TOOL to him-point blank. As soon as he got out of jail he didn't come home, he ran to his girlfriend and was cruel to you in texts and constantly lying to you-why? Because he wants to be with his girlfriend and the drugs and he was "free" for a little while before his house arrest starts. He had to throw you some bait here and there just to be certain plan B (you) was still waiting and anticipating by the phone. Each time you are it reinforces to him that he can do whatever the hell he wants to you and there is no line he cannot cross and not come home to you. He is with another woman, and addict, he is using Meth, he isnt supporting your or his son at all-what more can he do to you?

You are a tool just in case he needs that home plan to save his ass and nothing else works out for him. STOP TAKING THE BAIT. You are noticing the lies, and you know exactly what he is up to-you know he is with another woman. If you cannot get strong and pissed and stand your ground for you then please do it for your son. This situation is so damaging for him. The confusion of is daddy sick, is daddy coming home,etc is too much. He needs stability and strength and protection because his father is a meth addict who has zero, ZERO care about him. This is the kind of person we warn our kids to steer clear of. He is not a safe person for your son and it will lead to so much pain, heartbreak and emotional damage to your son if you do not put and end to this cycle now.

He gives you "glimmers of hope" because he worries he might NEED YOU for his selfish reasons-like saving his ass. You cannot love him, or nice him home and make him be the man you DESERVE, your son DESERVES because he is an addict and a cheat who doesnt support you in any form or fashion, who doesnt support his son or his child from a previous relationship. Is this the example you want to set for your son? No, you dont because you are a good mom who loves her son and we all know that but you have to break the cycle now-today.

By being available to him, answering his texts-you are enabling him to continue to devastate and confuse you. You are allowing him to throw you crumbs.

Stop-STOP ANSWERING HIS TEXTS- do not answer another text from him. It is hard-we've all done it and the first few days are very hard but as you go you start to find your voice, your strength and it will get easier and easier to not engage-I promise. Yes, not engaging with him will make him mad as he starts to see that he is losing his power and grip over you, that you aren't there to take the bait and be his safe spot, backup, plan B. Watch and see-don't answer his texts for a day and watch what he does. He will either get so angry and belligerent or he will start throwing out what you want to hear to suck you back in, or he might do both but watch and see. But do not reply.

You and your son deserve more then to be someones backup plan. Stop allowing this. Stop engaging with him, stop the communication and start focusing on you. You have the chance to live a totally different life, a great life. Give your son a great life. Your husband will not stop cheating on you or using drugs until he is forced to stand on his own two feet, to suffer the consequences of HIS horrific choices-choices he made alone. He has to stand alone on this and come to his own realization that he wants to change, get clean, and be committed man. Without that it will never happen and you can take the whole situation and just wash, rinse, repeat. Dont set your precious child and yourself for a lifetime of this confusion and misery. YOU have the strength within you, you have the ability to stop this now. It ends when you say so. Stop being his backup and start loving yourself and wanting more for you.

Im sorry if this sounded harsh as it is not my intention. I just see absolute disaster down the road if you continue to allow this man to have this kind of power over you, and keep taking the bait. You CAN do this. You deserve more.

I haven't made an appointment to go to IC, I know that it is something I need to do. Actually, where I work will pay for 6 therapy sessions but I have to drive over 2 hours to the appointment and right now, I just don't have the funds. I am borrowing money to get to work daily. My husband says he has a job and will help me. Yeah right. Like he has been these last 2 months? I don't know why I feel like I NEED him. Everyone is right, he has nothing going for him right now. Everything he had was because of me and he has lost EVERYTHING.

Jomarion- I have also been reading your posts and I am sorry that you are going through this. I agree with what you are saying about the manipulating me. He already has me, he knows what to say and when to say it so that he keeps me where he wants me. He knows I love him unconditionally so he doesn't have to work as hard. Which is also why I don't manipulate him like everyone else. Does that make sense? I think I just want to know that he is still thinking about me. That I do cross his mind. And yes, I do want to hear that word of love. Silly, I know. I still have questions for him. A lot of them. But at this point EVERYTHING he says is a lie. He can't even keep up with his own lies. It wasn't always like this. I really did have a good husband AT ONE POINT. Those memories are what is making it so hard to let go. I think his texts yesterday were more emotional and mental abuse, the abuse I didn't see until recently.

Hopetosurvive98- Yes I was feeling stronger. The no contact with him or the minimal anyway helped me. If he had not contacted me or I had not read the texts, I would be even stronger today. But I want that communication so bad. I understand completely that I am Plan B. He needs me when everything and everyone else is gone. That is when he will want his family, his home, his wife and his son. That is why he needs to keep me. That is why he may go days without texting and then I get the poor me, I'm so confused texts. Your post was not harsh. It hit the nail right on the head.

BBM- I know how badly you want to hear from him. I understand so completely that I can still feel that feeling from back close to my own Dday. It is awful and I think all of us on the site can relate. You are normal for feeling that way and you know-really know-that you are his backup plan. I will tell you after my own dday my husband was gone, he left and it was like in the blink of an eye everything changed, and it had. In the first few days I answered every text, every call, and even met with him 3 separate times (each time I was to be getting the truth)and I found that I was hanging on to that and it was killing me. I felt so helpless and so so weak. It was only when my then 5yr son started to ask why I was sad and ask about his dad that I got damn angry. I realized that this prick was just going to hang out being a single guy doing who knows what while I stayed home caring for a 5yr old, 3 yr old and a 9 month old. I set myself aside and got pissed for my children. I got really, really mad (did I mention i was really mad?) and it was at that moment that I chose to take my own power back. I joined SI and got good advice and felt I had some backup. I took one last call from him and laid out what R would look like and told him this was his one and only chance to tell the truth or I was GONE. He told me he had to "think about it overnight." I told him "Ok" and I went and started the D process the next day. I was so terrified and felt like I was dying but it had to be done because until that moment I felt he had power over me and he KNEW he held power over me. I knew I could NOT live like that. Worrying, wondering, limbo. I was done. After I retained the lawyer I texted him and told him to get an atty because I retained one and let him know I would see him in court and only contact about our kids. That flipped a switch in him. I dont want to go on and on about my situation but I want you to see that it only stopped when I said so. When he realized that I was not anyones Plan B and neither are my children.

Find that. Its in you right now to stop this insanity. It starts with that first text which will come. That first text ignore-delete it and go do something, anything else. Clean, grocery shop, call a friend, play with your dog (or any animal you might have, exercise, do anything but engage him. Repeat for the second attempt and so on. With each time you ignore the more power you gain and you will feel it. Just take it one step at a time. Just start with that first step today. Do this for your son, do this for you. We are all here for you and we all know you CAN do this but you have to start the process by stopping the communication. Post here instead.

I do want that communication so bad it hurts. And I hate that he has that control over me. I did good on Saturday when he texted, I responded but only about him getting his things. Yesterday was just totally different. He was different. But I see now he needed to be different so that he could suck me back in. I haven't heard anything from him today. Surprise, surprise.

My son continually asked if I was sad and even now when he calls from his fun vacation, he asks if I am okay. I hate that he has to worry about me! It breaks my heart. I have been doing my best to fake it. Fake it until I make it, I guess?

I asked him yesterday about marriage counseling and leaving her. No response. That is something that needs to be done for any hope of R. But it is obvious that isn't what he wants. At least until he has no other place to go. And I am sure that will happen. Probably sooner than later. If he ends up back in prison, which is VERY likely, he will want to call us then, too. Again, just so he has me where he needs me.

I have yet to get mad and stay mad! That is so unlike me. I get mad at him but it fades. I don't know why I can't get mad and stay mad, especially after everything he has done to us! I should be mad about the fact that he hasn't seen his son. But it just makes me sad. So much makes me sad.

The anger will come. Eventually. And that is when I will know that I AM DONE. I am over this treatment.

I am going to try the 180 AGAIN. No contact unless it is about our son or finances. Neither of which he has been concerned with for 2 months, anyway. And no emotions. It seemed to work before. Wish me luck. I definitely need it.

I haven't made an appointment to go to IC, I know that it is something I need to do. Actually, where I work will pay for 6 therapy sessions but I have to drive over 2 hours to the appointment and right now, I just don't have the funds. I am borrowing money to get to work daily.

You HAVE to make this a priority. Your son is going to be home in ONE week now. And you have done nothing!

My husband says he has a job and will help me.

This is an OBVIOUS lie.

Yeah right. Like he has been these last 2 months? I don't know why I feel like I NEED him.

But see? Even though you KNOW this is a lie, you want to believe him so bad, you are willing to overlook the facts and cling to false hope. WHY??

Everyone is right, he has nothing going for him right now. Everything he had was because of me and he has lost EVERYTHING

.

You are missing the point. He hasn't lost everything. He never had anything. He was a BUM when you met him. YOU were the only good (and your son) in this equation.

I think I just want to know that he is still thinking about me. That I do cross his mind. And yes, I do want to hear that word of love. Silly, I know.

Don't think he doesn't know this. And about the time he needs to be sure you're still sitting there waiting on him, he'll call, text, etc and wisper his sweet lies of bullshit.

I still have questions for him. A lot of them.

And what on earth makes you think that if could ask these questions, you would get a straight or honest answer? Hell, I still have questions I'd like answers from my X-POS-WS too. Would I ever ask him? NO! Not in a million years. One, I would never give him the satisfaction of ever speaking to me again. And two, he is a pathological LIAR, just like your WS. So what is the point of asking?

I really did have a good husband AT ONE POINT. Those memories are what is making it so hard to let go.

NO YOU DIDN'T. Any man who dodges paying child support to the point of losing his driver's lisense, going to PRISON, etc, is a horrible person.

You have been so abused and so brainwashed you can't even see the facts. Please do NOT skip the meeting tonight. And PLEASE find a way to get to IC.

Anger will come but you have to stop being victimized first. Stop letting his random lies and texts confuse and cloud your judgment because when you stand back and look it is obvious that you clearly see what his agenda is. Be angry for your son. Just like I said in my own personal experience I had to make that choice to set myself aside which were my FOO created fears of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of being a single mom, and the list goes on. I had to set it aside for my kids because when I realized what my husband was up to I had no choice but to be damned angry for my kids and I was not going to allow this to continue and harm them. It stopped when I said so and I felt so much more in control of my own destiny.

You should be so angry that your sweet child has to be worried about you. Who caused that?? Your cheating, drug addicted, deadbeat husband did. Get mad. Do not let him rob your son of his innocence and childhood dealing with grownup issues.

He wants to keep you in your place and continue to use you and you can see that clearly and you know that he will call upon you when you are needed-the nerve!!! Stop being abused today, stop being his favorite and most reliable tool in the toolbox. He will not get better ever until he is forced to stand on his own two feet, and frankly that's not your problem.

BBM lets just handle today first. Do not answer his messages. It only serves to harm you. Lets just start with that first text and go from there. Even if he texts about money or your son I think it is just a ploy as really has he had any interest in his financial obligation to his wife, to his child? No. Has he had any concerns over his sons happiness and well-being? No. Actions over words and his actions speak loud and clear. His actions scream of his priorities and that is drugs and drug addicted girlfriend. So now your priority is to drop him off the priority list and make you and your son number 1. So, one step at a time-focus on today and 180, 180,180. We are here.

Reading that about your son pisses me off frankly. Quit being a Victim. You know when things change? When you CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Hell we have given you information on ways to get help with bills, food, IC, Meetings etc. You still have excuses, because your fear of being an independent woman who doesn't tolerate less than she deserves scares the crap out of you for some reason.

You son should not have to play the role of KISA. Get your shit together if not for you for him. Fake it til you make it? NO Get your shit together and quit this wallowing. You are an educated woman capable to taking care of yourself. Do IT.

I know that I would never get HONEST answers from him. He has pretty much came right out and said he is afraid that if he doesn't say what I want, it will have bad consequences for him. That goes back to blaming me for my family friend doing HIS job. That is why I haven't asked him all of the things I want to. Truthfully, I don't think I could handle actually hearing the truth. Even though, in my heart, I already KNOW.

His actions definitely speak louder than his words. And his actions are focused on him. He isn't concerned about what he has done to his child. It is all about him.

Tushnurse- I just spoke to someone at The United Way. I received a disconnect today for my water and I am sure the electric bill disconnect will be coming. However, there is nothing in my area for utilities. There are no funds. I did apply and receive food stamps.

I am TERRIFIED of being alone, being a single mom, and yes my list goes on too. He may not have been the best provider but our bills got paid. I didn't have to beg and borrow to get gas money. It was tight and we didn't have a lot for extras, but we had what we needed. I don't even have that now. That scares the shit out of me.

As for today, I do not plan on responding IF he texts. But Ibwould bet that I won't have to worry about that anyway. It will be a few days, at least, before I hear from him again.

I know that I would never get HONEST answers from him. He has pretty much came right out and said he is afraid that if he doesn't say what I want, it will have bad consequences for him. That goes back to blaming me for my family friend doing HIS job. That is why I haven't asked him all of the things I want to. Truthfully, I don't think I could handle actually hearing the truth. Even though, in my heart, I already KNOW.

His actions definitely speak louder than his words. And his actions are focused on him. He isn't concerned about what he has done to his child. It is all about him.

Tushnurse- I just spoke to someone at The United Way. I received a disconnect today for my water and I am sure the electric bill disconnect will be coming. However, there is nothing in my area for utilities. There are no funds. I did apply and receive food stamps.

I am TERRIFIED of being alone, being a single mom, and yes my list goes on too. He may not have been the best provider but our bills got paid. I didn't have to beg and borrow to get gas money. It was tight and we didn't have a lot for extras, but we had what we needed. I don't even have that now. That scares the shit out of me.

As for today, I do not plan on responding IF he texts. But I would bet that I won't have to worry about that anyway. It will be a few days, at least, before I hear from him again. I will have those few extra days to get back to where I was BEFORE he texted yesterday.

Hon, he is all about himself. No where in your posts is he even thinking about you and your feelings. He could have come home when he got out of jail. He didn't. He went to OW. He isn't concerned about you or your son. He doesn't care how or if you pay your bills.

He wants to be with OW because he wants the lifestyle. Drugs, no responsibilities, just all about himself.

Continue to try the 180. You want him back, but you aren't really dealing with what that truly means. He isn't the man you think you know. He is making his own choices. He choose to go to OW. He choose to leave you adrift. He chooses to lie continually to you. You have to face this is who he is now. No wishing and hoping on your part is going to change him or the reality of how far he has fallen. You can't carry him. You can't make him better, you can't make him want to put you as a priority, you aren't and haven't been for some time. Doesn't matter that he wants to please the person he is with. He chose not to be near you and he isn't trying to please you, his wife.

Please, stop turning yourself inside out trying to believe in him and his ability to straighten himself out. Without intensive help, he will not change. Currently, he doesn't even want to change. So there you are. Out on your own. Find the strength within yourself to actually deal. Your son, isn't a factor for him. So don't go there in your thinking either.

You will get through this, one way or another. You should be choosing a way that holds a better future. Only you can find that path for yourself and your son.

[This message edited by momentintime at 5:26 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

He has pretty much came right out and said he is afraid that if he doesn't say what I want, it will have bad consequences for him. That goes back to blaming me for my family friend doing HIS job.

This is more WS-feel-sorry-for-me-I'm-the-real-victim-here BULLSHIT. He is lying because he CAN. And because you take his calls & find some limp excuse to respond to his texts.

Get to an attorney. Get some support lined up. And I do mean "lined up". Because I'm sure in order to get anything out of this "good husband & father" of yours you will need to garnish the shit out of whatever is left after the tax man, the other mom, & the local government & whoever else might have gotten in line before you.

Move out of your house. Move in with your dad. Take on a roommate. Get a second job. Do anything. Do something! Just stop doing nothing.

Do you see the train coming down the tracks? It's heading right for you. It's been blowing the whistle for months now, yet you're still sitting on the tracks making wishes.

Oops! Double post.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:40 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

I am proud of myself RIGHT NOW and feel like I should brag on myself....my husband texted around 5 and said that he was trying to find a ride over here to get some things he needs. He said he isn't driving because he doesn't know who is watching....blah blah blah. Instead of texting him back, I went outside and weeded my flowers. Big step for me!

2nd- my "friend" who lives by the garage, texted and told me that he was over there teaching his whore to ride the 4wheeler. She even sent me the picture. But I have really crappy service so I was unable to download it, I would have to do it tomorrow on my way to work. But instead, I deleted it. I don't need to see it, I already have enough hurt. Oh and when he was over there teaching her to ride (a 4wheeler I helped pay for, by the way!) it was around 5. The same time he was "trying" to find a ride. Deleting that picture was another big step for me!

I guess he still isn't on house arrest. He basically got a slap on the wrist for violating parole. It will all catch up to him, eventually. Karma is a bitch, even if I haven't been...

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 7:40 AM, July 17th (Thursday)]

BBM- that is a positive step forward. I know it's a big step deleting that photo and ignoring the text. I know it's hard. I can tell that you got a bit of yourself back though and will continue to do so as you stop taking his bait. As you stop engaging him you stop allowing him to hurt you, control you, manipulate you. Continue to do this each time he texts-find that alternative for yourself and ignore it. You will get stronger and stronger. Keep moving forward now one step at a time.

That makes me smile BBM! I hope you are seeing how good it feels when you start to take the reigns of your life back into your own hands! I expect him to ramp it up when he starts to notice that he is losing his power over you so, be prepared! Wash your car, take a nice walk...you get the idea. I'm proud of you!

BBM, you are fighting back!! It is like pregnancy, the baby is growing inside, but nobody sees the baby, it is not ready to come out yet. Like when you are fighting, struggling inside your head, unable to take much action, but when it is time, the struggle in your heart and mind will allow the action to come out - you are healing enough for the action to become manifest.

Every step you take, be proud. These are muscles you are using you have not used in a long time. But as you use them more and more, they will become stronger. YOU will become stronger.

When I was growing up, we had no heat or electric as my drunken dad had run off with the money. I was a kid, I survived, I got past it. It was sort of an adventure.

I do not think it is silly you want that word love from him. You gave him your heart, your love, you gave him yourself - of course you want your heart, your love, yourself to be acknowledged, to be accepted and seen.

But he is in too much of a mess to see it. I know that hurts, but he is just in too much of a mess.

Try to be a mother to yourself now. Try to give yourself the love, the care, the gentleness you want from him. Start to love and care for yourself.

I know how painful it is to watch all the things you have given,bought for somebody then be used for another. Believe me, I know that knife.

I helped him and his kids get their first house. He promised never another woman. Six months later, he is fucking the OW in the very house I helped him to rent, in the same bed I helped him buy. In the same room he said would only be for him and me. I helped my WBF purchase his first car in his life.

Then I learned his kids didn't even want me sitting in it! He was on my insurance to make his lower! If it were not for me, his kids wouldn't have had a car for him to drive them everywhere in (a bus? never! We are too good for bus transport! Must have dad drive us everywhere,no matter how exhausted he is after work and would help him by using public transport!) But nobody knew that! Once I was used, I was discarded. This second car is the same. I helped there too. But when he talked about the car to a stranger, it is all about how HE got the car, completely forgets how much I helped, he couldn't have gotten it without me.

Yes, I understand how hard it is to let go - you are letting go of yourself in a way - all the care you gave him, all the time - you have to let it go. It is like a death. Accepting death. It is so hard to do.

But from death there always comes new life. It has happened since the world began, new life comes again. And it will come to you again too. And new life is beautiful, wonderful, exciting, fresh. It will all come to you.

Giving you strength, BBM. Giving you strength.

Positive steps. Very good.

You know, we all only have so much energy each day. Would you say your H has been a drain on your limited energy? Would you say that you and your son have been negatively impacted, as a result his tasking away of your energy?

Gently, I suggest you try and understand just how negative he is for your son. I don't see that you will change this for yourself, but It's really time to accept that your son is not benefiting. You OWE your son more than this.

Lose the obsession with this selfish, broken loser of a husband. That's what he is. He's hurting you AND your son. Show your son how someone should respect themselves. Dump your husband. Focus on your son. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but raiding your son to be healthy is something you still have a chance to do right.