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I recently found out that the ankle monitor for house arrest costs $420 a month! Add that to the $600 for child support and his intervention fees, he will never be able to pay it. He will not be able to get a decent job, he is a convicted felon and lost the one he had. He has nothing now. No home, no job, no vehicle, no family. But he has his drugs and his whore. I hope it has all been worth it to him. What a prize she is getting: a married, lying addict

Yeah, this is the kind of guy I cross the street and walk on the other side when I see coming. It just gets no lower than this.

Some of them never, ever get any better.

I know a guy whose 62 and he's still as big a loser as he was back when he was 20, 30, 40 years old - because he was a drunk back then and he's a drunk to this day. He lives in a dilapidated trailer in the woods, gets minimum wage paying jobs when he's able to (which is rarely), hasn't driven in 20 years due to multiple DUI's and having lost his license (and couldn't afford a car, anyway), he's STILL a dysfunctional drunk living on his own because his kids no longer speak to him and his wife left him years ago, and he's every psychiatrist's wet dream because he's such a complete f*ck up.

It wouldn't surprise me at ALL if your H ends up the same way, 30 years from now.

You're a smart lady for deciding you want better in life for you and your children. And you SHOULD want better.

Dear BBM,

I know several POs and NONE of them would tell their parolees to not address marital problems with the spouse.

He's lieing to you......again. But that's nothing new is it?

k9

NeverAgain2013- I didn't even add in the child support that would be ordered (but I would never receive!) for our child. But he claimed he was working yesterday. I didn't even question that. He was just trying to bait me into an argument.

K94ever-I am well aware of that. Just another excuse to not discuss our problems. But that is okay. I am done discussing things. I am done begging for my marriage. It isn't worth it. I deserve better than anything he has to offer. OUR son deserves better.

That doesn't make me miss the man I married any less, BUT this is NOT the same person. That person is dead. He will never be that man again. Even if we tried, I could never move past these last few months. He has absolutely crushed me.

BaseballMom

Do yourself a favor. Compare your most recent post with any or all of your earlier posts. Think you're doing better? Stronger? More self esteem? More focused on you and your son?

Sure, it doesn't feel good, but you have now recognizd in print that your WH has gone around he bend and isn't coming back,as,you'd,like him to be.

And that is tremendous,progress for you.

I second Schadenfreude!

You sound so much stronger. How amazing.

As bad as it hurt me, actually seeing the whores car at the shop was a turning point for me. He had led me to believe thar he was taking this time to get his head straight. I guess I wanted to believe him so bad that I did. Even though, deep down, I knew better.

Not talking to him is helping, too. I still want to text him but I am not. It is hard. But it is my new reality. I just keep repeating all of the bad stuff to myself. I can't afford to support him! He will just bring me down and cause me to struggle for everything. I can not put my son through that. I have worked too hard to lose everything. I love him. I miss him. But I have to move on.

As bad as it hurt me, actually seeing the whores car at the shop was a turning point for me. He had led me to believe thar he was taking this time to get his head straight. I guess I wanted to believe him so bad that I did. Even though, deep down, I knew better.

Not talking to him is helping, too. I still want to text him but I am not. It is hard. But it is my new reality. I just keep repeating all of the bad stuff to myself. I can't afford to support him! He will just bring me down and cause me to struggle for everything. I can not put my son through that. I have worked too hard to lose everything. I love him. I miss him. But I have to move on.

Turn off your phone or put it in the other room if it helps with no texting. CVhange his name in your contacts to something like 'DO NOT REPLY BASEBALL MOM, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, STOP RIGHT NOW'. Except maybe shorter and punchier

Get fallbacks in place, too. Call friends instead. Call your son. Take a shower. Clean the yard. Go take care of your horses. Anything else.

I have been trying to follow your story.

Seems to me that your H is lying constantly to you.

I would bet that he has a long criminal history.

Be careful. I've heard many times of felons cutting their ankle bracelets off.

If he gets to three felony convictions, then gets another felony, he will be a habitual felon. That carries with it a very long prison sentence.

Look out for yourself and son.

My story is hard to follow, it confuses me and I am living it. Yes, he has lied continuously for the last few months, if not longer. I honestly don't know what the actual truth is anymore. It has been such a mess.

He actually doesn't have a long criminal history. Maybe he has just been lucky up until now. I just don't know anymore.

I haven't heard from him today. And I haven't contacted him. He was supposed to meet with a new po today. He may have received his ankle monitor, I don't know. I guess I shouldn't care.

BBM, I'm so encouraged by your tone. I hope you are believing what you are saying because its all true. Please start putting your faith into yourself and, continue to see him for who he is and the tortuous path this man will drag you and, your son, if you LET him.

Stand firm. Don't fall back into your comfortable codependent behavior. It hasn't worked to date and it is not the way to have a true, healthy relationship.

I'm sure you don't feel it right now but, you are moving in the right direction. Keep going. One foot in front of the other. Right, left....breathe.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 9:21 PM, July 14th, 2014 (Monday)]

BB Mom - You are starting to see him for what he really is. This can only help you distance yourself from him and his poison. Do NOT allow him to manipulate you into being sucked back in. That will be horrible for you, and send a terrible message to your son.

Stay strong. Keep reading on breaking the cycles of abuse, and becoming independent, not Codependent.

You got this girl, and we got your back.

(((and strength)))

My head believes it and I know it is true, he will just bring us down. My heart is still having trouble believing it though. I miss him so much. Especially at night. And of course, that is when my mind races with all of the images of him and her.

I am still not really mad at him. I feel sorry for him. I shouldn't, I know he created this mess for himself but I do. And I am worried about where he is and what happened with the PO yesterday. But I have to try to push that out of my head. It isn't my problem now.

Right after I found out my ex was a lying, cheating bastard, I changed his name in my contacts to "that asshole"

His new number, you know the one that he said was his bosses phone, is in my phone as "Cheating Bastard". I still have his old number as "My Love" but that number is gone along with the man I married.

Hold your head up! Today is a new day! Just keep telling yourself that you are doing what must be done to ensure a better future for you and your son. You really do deserve someone who can love you and make you feel safe. I hope you can believe that! That is doubly true for your son!

Good for you, BBM. One minute at a time.

Get yourself to an alanon meeting and get your future in focus!

I am taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. My feelings and moods changes in the blink of an eye. But I do feel a bit stronger each day. Nights and evenings are really hard, especially since I am home alone. I am not used to all of the silence!

He texted today. He said we need to figure this out and that HE can't do this anymore. He says he has enough stress with the parole and he doesn't know who he can trust. He wants to stay out of trouble an do the right thing. He is supposed to start house arrest tomorrow morning. He will have to check in 2x a day and do a UA 2x a week. I texted back and asked him what it was that he thought WE needed to figure out. I also asked where he was doing his house arrest. I told him not to lie because I knew he was still seeing her. He hasn't texted back yet. I guess he just needed to know that I was still waiting.

I shouldn't have texted at all. I should have just ignored it. Shit. But I agree, things need to be figured out. But I don't think I am the one who needs to do that. If he is doing his house arrest with his whore, it seems like it is already figured out. If not and he really is going to try to get clean and figure things out, is it stupid of me to have that little glimmer of hope?

I guess he just needed to know that I was still waiting.

This is exactly what he is doing

I shouldn't have texted at all I should have just ignored it. Shit.

Yes, you should have. But that's ok. You're getting there and doing so much better.

But I agree, things need to be figured out. But I don't think I am the one who needs to do that. If he is doing his house arrest with his whore, it seems like it is already figured out. If not and he really is going to try to get clean and figure things out, is it stupid of me to have that little glimmer of hope?

There is no "we" in figuring this out. The only "we" or "us" in this equation is you and your son. Period. Your WS can say all day long that he is going to, that he wants to become "clean and sober." But please don't let his empty promises and words (lies) give you any hope at all. You are at the point in this situation where he needs to have COMPLETED an intense in house substance abuse program and be months, if not a year sober before you even consider having a "glimmer of hope."

Please remember, he is an addict and a cheater. First rule of both; They lie, they lie, they lie.

*edited because I HATE my auto correct*

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:21 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]