SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My Heart goes out to you and your Children , I can't believe she gave up a good life , home etc for a stupid affair . Well she's made her bed now let her lay in it . Take your Children , keep Your Home and wish her well . I want to see you with Full Custody of your Children and your Home . She thinks she'll get it simply because she's female but not when she destroyed her Family . When she gets none of it and has to go to work ... it will hit her . I wish you and Your Children Happiness and Joy . Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to you . I know you'll have a Good New Year . I will keep you in my Prayers and everyone who goes through this .

The talks earlier continued. My meeting was arranged with Lawyer for Wednesday but I need to postpone it. Makes more sense to have it now for signing our agreements into a document.

She has agreed on 50/50 custody, in the form of 4 days / 3 days per week which I accept.

She has also agreed that I will live in the house, however she will retain her stake. We will sign agreement that neither of us can borrow onthe house and she cannot move back in at will. I have conceded the car which tbh is important for the kids anyway. Keeping that would be harming them.

I will also continue to pay off the loan which was for car/cosmetic surgery even though I no longer have the "use" of either. That agreement sweetened the house deal to make it appealing. By doing so I wont be £1000+ out of pocket on months rent etc.

There is 0 chance of R, she has calmed a lot and apologised for her recent actions. She loves me but cannot see us making it work. Apparently im a great dad and husband, on paper I am perfect, but the feelings are no longer there.

Just need to get agreement written and find a good flat for her to rent. Its in my kids interest that she finds a nice place, so I will help look and get them moved in etc.

Apparently im a great dad and husband, on paper I am perfect, but the feelings are no longer there.

Her feelings toward you may change when the reality of the new situation hits home. Whether you'll still be interested in her is another matter. Be prepared with a list of requirements for R should this happen. Write them down now so you don't forget, and tuck them away in a safe place. The mind is a tricky thing, and it's all to easy to forgive and forget when things settle down.

Consider yourself a least a little fortunate you are not stuck in limbo and are able to move forward, even though it is not where you would prefer to go in an ideal world.

So what happens in the future if she does decide she wants to either move back in or have it sold? What's your protection? Talk to your lawyer, it sounds very ambigious and without protections for you, and it could cost you lots of attorney fees in the future etc.

Good news, don't delay. Strike while the iron is hot. Get it in writing then get your lawyer's advice and get it done. Don't be fooled by her temporary calm - she has filled her life with chaos and she could erupt again at any time.

Figured I would post an update to where I am at.

We are still living togather at the moment, she is trying to find a rented place, in fact was meant to move out today had it not fallen through. As she doesn't work, landlord doesn't want her in.

She still messages and at times sees her new man. It drives me crazy. I am trying 180, but must admit I fell off a couple of times. But trying I still am.

We sleep is separate rooms, both my boys have commented to their grandparents about it and also said mummy keeps crying when she talks to daddy. So they know something is not right.

At a weaker moment, i asked if she would attend MC if i booked it. She said yes, to assist you with separation. She does not see it as a means to repair the marriage. She still very much thinks she loves her new guy.

I am trying to go out, driving range/golf and work. I had a huge blowout argument and called her things last night. Total fail at 180, but back on it today. She was getting ready to go see him and I didn't manage to contain it.

so yeah, it continues. We have our first MC session this Friday. I've read in some places to delay her moving out until MC, as it could change things. Do you agree? Is it likely they can convince her she is going through infatuation? Or should I continue to help her move out fast?

[This message edited by generic at 10:30 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]

Generic

Get her out as fast as you can. MC is absolutely worthless when one partner is still in the affair. And you will not go through what you went through last night again and again.

Right now she has no intention of stopping her affair and you do not need to be witnessing her preparation for every time she goes to bang him.

Her new world will not be reality until she is in a tiny apartment and her and her boyfriend are trying to figure out how to pay their bills since I am guessing if he has three kids and left his wife he is not going to be rolling on an abundance of money either.

The only thing that you will accomplish by delaying her departure is more pain for yourself. You do not want to be living like you have to leave your home and find something to do just in order not to see her getting ready to go out.

help her find a place to live and get rid of her. And do not have any conversation with her about anything but kids and finances.

Here is the thing, you and your WW being in the same house while YOU stay home and watch the boys and SHE goes out to see the OM is out and out CAKE-EATING.

Like nononsense says, she needs to move out to see the reality. Is it an infatuation? More than likely so. Some women think that because they are sexually attracted to a man that it means they love them. Your WW cannot tell the difference, especially now since she is CAKE EATING whether she realizes that or not. Regardless, its all about her right now and she could give two fucks about how you feel. Therefore...

Tell her she should to pack her shit and move in with the OM. Tell her you and the boys will be alright without her and it would be much easier for her to stay in one place with the OM instead of constantly going back and forth between two households. Sell this idea to her as best as you can and then you won't have to force her out of the house at all. If she leaves voluntarily then you change the locks. After all, she is having sex with this guy whether she lives in your home or not, then rubbing it in your face every time she steps out so she might as well continue the affair out of sight and out of mind.

I'm willing to bet this will all come crashing down when your WW and OM start arguing about who pays for what, who has to watch all five kids next (one who is autistic), who's cooking dinner, who's doing the laundry, etc. Pretty soon the OM keeps asking your WW "when are you going to get a fucking job and help pay for all of this!?!?" and the resentment starts setting in between the two. The mere logistics of keeping the unicorn fantasy bubble from popping becomes too overwhelming to the point they barely have time to keep the romance flame alive. Hell, I'll bet the minute she shows up at the bar with her fucking luggage next time to meet this OM at the bar (or where ever ever they rendezvous) and says "Guess what? We get to live together!" He will excuse himself to the bathroom...permanently.

I've read in some places to delay her moving out until MC, as it could change things.

Without NC in effect with OM, NOTHING CHANGES.

MC is an absolute waste of time and money at this point. Hell, your WW may be bipolar so MC would be pointless without addressing her root issues. You have to let go of the outcome and focus all of your love and attention on your two boys. I know it is hard. I had to do it. Many of us BS with kids had to do it. You have to think of this as a dry run on what to do if your WW had passed away suddenly. What would you do in that situation? That's your plan, except you have a divorce attorney instead of an estate attorney.

[This message edited by Jduff at 11:55 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]

I see no reason to expect her to change. She seemingly ignorant of reality and what is going on around her.

The problem I see is that there is no way she is ever going to be able to rent a place to live without a job. No landlord is going to rent to her without an income and proof of income.

Does this OM have a job and is he going to rent with her?

Is it likely they can convince her she is going through infatuation? Or should I continue to help her move out fast?

I doubt anyone can convince her that her feelings are not true love. Right now she has the stability of your home, family, finances, and her other man, too, and she thinks it will be exactly the same after she moves out, if not better. If she stays like she is now, nothing will change. Her moving out will give her a dose of reality. Please accept that she may not come back to you no matter what you do. But if she is going to come back, it is going to be because she realizes she is giving up someone she loves, her family, her life with you that she took for granted, for someone who is something less. You being too available makes her more confident in her choice to explore with other man, because she knows she always has a backup plan available in you. That is a safety net for her that I think prolongs this whole process, one way or the other.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:01 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]

Its a good idea to quickly separate your finances and get a separation order. She isn't going to come to her senses quickly enough to help with the current situation. She is infatuated with the OM and it will probably be months before reality begins to set in.

Get her out of the house so she isn't blatantly flaunting this affair in your face. Your children have some disabilities which take maturity and patience to cope with. How is the OM going to handle your family? There is little chance he will remain interested in your wife for very long, but if she does eventually return make sure there are consequences for her disgusting behavior..

Her plan is not to move in with him. It's to rent and live on benefits. My sons disability will get he quite a lot.

She has agreed the OM cannot meet the boys, for first year anyway. So she would only have 3 nights a week to see him due to split custody.

Only way I can get her out really fast is to put my name on lease too...sounds like a bad idea though

At a weaker moment, i asked if she would attend MC if i booked it. She said yes, to assist you with separation.

To "assist you with separation".

You need to re-read that. Repeatedly.

She has agreed the OM cannot meet the boys, for first year anyway. So she would only have 3 nights a week to see him due to split custody.

This is like watching a train crash in slow motion. She has a plan that is doomed to fail, but no one will be able to talk her out of it. She will have to crash on her own. Unfortunately, this will hurt your children and you, too.

Where will OM be living during all of this?

Detach from this woman who inhabits your wife's body.

Found this in another section, thought it was well said and absolutely spot on, read it and have a better understanding of where you and more importantly she's at.

I spoke with my counselor about it. Asked him how she could be so cruel to me, etc.

My counselor said that cruel was the wrong word. That she was not trying to hurt me. Instead, she found something else that was more important than me. He said cruelty implies some sort of malice. She does not have that. Instead, the counselor said that at this point, I am merely an obstacle to her. If she can get what she wants without hurting me, she will. If she has to hurt me to get what she wants (by leaving me, for example), she will. The point is, we all tend to live at the center of our world. We see actions in how they relate to us, when the other person frankly is no longer thinking about us.

But the counselor said it is not about me, that I am still holding on to the notion that I am the most important thing to her. That thinking that way tends to make it feel like her actions are directed toward me. The counselor said they're not - they are solely directed toward getting her to what she wants now. Whether what she wants now is good for her, etc. is really beside the point.

He also said that nothing I think about her, them, the situation, etc. is going to change her mind or bring her back. That hoping their relationship won't work will not make a difference. That thinking about them at all (whether it is rage at the new guy, sadness about her, etc.) is wasted energy, because none of it will change anything.

We don't want to admit that maybe our ex will be happier with the other person. But we deny reality to assume that could not be the case. I guess the end result is that it does not matter if she is or is not - either way, she is not coming back to me. To want their lives to be terrible just leaves the door open for more hurt if they turn out happy. I am better focused on myself than on what happens to them. Focusing on what happens to them just means that she keeps hurting me after she has moved on.

My sons disability will get he quite a lot.

This is meant to support your son, not her cheating lifestyle. I'd report her ass to the authorities if she misappropriates these funds for her personal use.

P.s She's obviously not trying hard enough to find her own place. A nice comfortable bed, food and she gets to visit OM and be the center of both universes, quite an ego trip.

I agree with the others, get her out, let her pay for her own stuff and see if OM will support her and ultimately the kids.

My sons disability will get he quite a lot.

In the rental market where I live, there is not a landlord around that would lease to her under these conditions unless she is getting section 8 money for housing.

She needs to get started with that right away.

I'm glad you have posted an update yet sorry that things are moving so quickly in this direction.

In the circumstances perhaps your WW would be best to talk to a local authority adviser or housing association. ..they're experienced in finding suitable accommodation for those relying on benefits to fund it. If she is entitled to claim it may make your own financial situation a little easier which could help when you have your children staying with you.

Only way I can get her out really fast is to put my name on lease too...sounds like a bad idea though

EXTREMELY BAD IDEA!

unless she is getting section 8 money for housing.

I think this guy is in the UK, so I doubt that applies here.

Suggest her boyfriend sign on the lease. Lets see how serious OM really is, Start pushing those buttons. If he really loves her that should be no problem, right? You need her gone, gone, gone!

Cannot she just sign off on the divorce? You need to start acting like you can't wait to get rid of her.

MC seems useless and a waste of money if she has no intentions of R.