SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

NP5

I went thru the samething.But I confronted this issue right out of the gate. This was a dealbreaker for me.Either she goes, or I go. My WWs BF was the enabler. She even went as far as to find men my WW could sleep with.

I had to post because its funny, I did EXACTLY what your IC told you to do, without ever hearing that advice. I mean, I said the same things to my WW. Its logical ( im glad to see im not alone in this way of thinking and to find its backed up by a DR )

I hope this works for you, as this one thing alone improved and otherwise completly broken situation.

One last thing.....I think they call that kind of BF a "toxic person".

Anyway, Im pullin for ya bro.Real shit situation man. I feel your pain. Hang in there.........as long as ya want to.

Until and unless you find yourself with a remorseful spouse willing to move heaven and earth to heal the marriage and family, the LAST place you or your children should be is in any form of therapy--MC or family therapy--with her.

Therapy with a still-lying, remorseless WS is emotionally damaging. If you want to subject yourself to MC, fine. But please--don't subject your kids to therapy with her, in the name of preventing "separate camps" (something infidelity, by definition creates---and something that ONLY the WS's remorse and hard work can change). Not until she demonstrates she is safe for the kids, as relates to repairing the damage done.

Until SHE decides you're not in separate camps, stick with separate IC.

And please--don't wait for the kids to get IC until your WS is ready for family therapy! That day may never come--and they may need IC right this very minute. If you have questions about whether they'd benefit, discuss with THEIR doctor.

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:10 PM, March 28th (Saturday)]

Oh dear God. These poor, poor children. My heart just breaks for them 💔

"She responds "No thanks -- it's not appropriate to discuss your private life with me"."

And yet she was more that willing to not only discuss your M and private life with your WW, but also to help her betray your M with POS.....up to the point of facilitating the PA in the hotel room, which I would be surprised if it wasn't a full blown PIV PA.

And I'm sure, as your WW's collaborator, she knows the private details of everything that went on in that hotel room....which your WW is gaslighting and TT'ing you on IMO.

But she has the gall to act offended that YOU want to discuss the private matters of your M with her?

You are 100% correct....she is NOT a friend of your M.

She is a toxic friend who has to go for both encouraging the A and helping WW to cover it up.

Protect your children. That is your job. Please don't facilitate their abuse by this woman by turning a blind eye to it.

(edited to delete hurtful comments because I didn't read through the whole thread and see the warning from the mod) Mea culpa

[This message edited by EasyDoesIt at 8:37 PM, March 28th (Saturday)]

I wonder if you're wondering why your R's have failed? Because there are a lot of essential things that need to take place and you're not doing them. Attempts at R will continue to fail. You have to expose. That's an absolute must. What you're doing only causes the cheater to be more careful. She just broke NC again last month. No way you're ready for R this soon after that. She still belongs to him because you haven't crushed the A and killed it for good. Exposure will do that. Every expert on the planet will tell you the same thing and all the BS's here will tell you the same thing. You can go against that and try your own thing but your wife isn't unique. She's following the exact same pattern as every textbook cheater. Please listen to the advice here for your sake. Expose. Expose asap and expose far and wide. Kill this A right now because I promise you it's still going on.

HoustonDad,

I have read here at SI that you should be very careful with whom you expose the affair. You can't unexposed.

I exposed the affair to the school director in order to facilitate separation of OM from my family during functions.

I could expose the affair to many of the other parents, which would deeply embarrass my wife and children. It is a small world and very quickly everyone in the small Catholic school we attend would know. This would impact her business, as a dentist, as her employees as patients would lose respect and result in declining referral rates. My children would know that all of their friends would know. That they have stable families that love each other and maintain fidelity, while my children get to overhear whispers of, "her mom had an affair..."

It may seem that in this world there is no stigma left, but in my corner, it would be a huge scandal. For me, my wife, and my family, we would always live with that knowledge that people knew and talked about us.

So no, I am not going to do that. If I do end up divorcing, then yes, I may let the word out. Because a divorce would shatter our world and the affair would explain to everyone why, which for me is very important.

The potential of disclosure to others is an incentive to end the affair. The fact that all of our immediate family knows is embarrassing enough for her and my family. I already used that leverage, and it has helped some.

It is true that exposure has taken some of the "elicit fun" out of the affair somewhat. Still that has not deterred her like it has others.

I saw mention earlier of a polygraph. I imagine this never happened, right? I'm not that surprised she agreed to take one, but I don't think she has any intention of actually going thru with it.

remember when you were going to make her move in with her parents? (i think it was her parents) remember how mortified she was? she begged and begged. doesn't that clue you in just a little bit about how to act? has being nice the past couple of years helped?

I absolutely agree with your IC's advice on how to handle her BF...because (1) it makes sense, and (2) it is the same mentality that many members here have been trying to pound home---you do not control her, but you do have control over yourself.

Does Edith want to keep her best friend? Sure, she can, but there are consequences(at least I hope that there are). And to add to this topic, I think that it is very important to let BF know EXACTLY WHERE YOU STAND on this. You can tell her that she may be your WW's good *friend*, but currently is nothing more than an enabler of her bad behaviors in your eyes. If she wants to try to make amends to you, that is her choice, but as it stands right now, she is by no means a friend of yours...or the marriage.

But NP, ultimately you will need to make some decisions on how things will move forward. The one thing that I can see...from a very limited amount of posting, is that Edith is NOT remorseful. Her posts say so. Your posts say so. Her actions say so. Her lack of actions say so.

I don't know if you really see this or not. Her resentments toward you are huge. In this sense, I can really relate. Some may have been warranted, but I am sure that many are not. And until she works to release this attitude, your marriage will struggle along...with any real chances of R getting further and further away.

I hope that this does not happen.

I hear you, I do. I want you to hear me too though. This A is still going on. Even if not physically it's still emotionally. In her heart and brain she's still his, not yours. You can only break that connection if you crush this affair. Kill it permanently. You absolutely can not do that if you keep it all secret. In your response to me above you talk about embarrassment for the family but you also say the alternative is divorce. Now ask yourself something. Is some temporary embarrassment worse than divorce and splitting up your family? If it was me I'd say a little embarrassment is far easier to deal with than splitting the family up and divorcing.

I agree with you Houston dad but I think not perfect 5 has resigned himself to enabling his wife's misconduct by not exposing properly and not demanding accountability in wake of his serial cheating wife's actions. I fel badly for him but me can't help him if he won't help himself. He needs to file for D and try to get custody of th kids imo

Western, at some point the benefit of leaving for an AP will outweigh the benefit of safe boring hubby at home. Then it'll be her leaving and dictating the terms not him. I'd love to help him not end up that way. I guess we have to remind ourselves that we can only show people the right path but we can't make them take it.

HoustonDad and Western - This is notperfect5's thread for support of him and his situation. Please do not talk about him like he is not here. If you are too frustrated with his situation or this thread to post constructively, please stay off of it.

Houston and Western,

My wife is making progress. I know it doesn't look it, but the rage that was once there is no longer. Is there disappointment and frustration, some. But the OM is NOT a viable option for her long term. Everything she dislikes about me, he has way, way more of. He would drive her crazy (in a bad way). The only thing he has are poems and music and a vegan lifestyle, and smooth talking nonsense.

She has admitted that the "relationship" was toxic for her, for him, for me, and for her family. All around toxic. She knows this yet she still has a twinge of regret for that high she used to get getting a text from him and seeing him play, etc. etc.

What I am dealing with now is aftermath.

Today I got a text from the polygraph company. I went off into my car to talk to her to set it up (so my kids wouldn't hear). My wife knew something was up and hunted me down in the car and asked who I was talking to. I told her. Later she told me that "You should be happy now." I looked at her confused, "Happy about what?". She responded, "That I have been good for a while. I haven't done anything wrong."

Yeah maybe a few weeks. I might be happy 5 years from now. Maybe 3. But not 4 weeks. She doesn't have a clue how much it's hurt and going to hurt for some years.

BF came over and they are going for a walk around the circle. I'm taking the kids to church. We'll see what happens...

NP5

notperfect- This is what you are allowing to confuse you.

Later she told me that "You should be happy now." I looked at her confused, "Happy about what?". She responded, "That I have been good for a while. I haven't done anything wrong."

This is not progress. This is a sign of the absence of progress. She is not making progress and it's evident to everyone but you. How I wish we could get you to understand that.

good work NP5. schedule the polygraph. once you find out for certain then you know where you stand. it's also more than just that. it shows you are finally taking control of the relationship. this will pay dividends. it's humiliating for her to have to take a polygraph, but it shows that there are consequences to her actions. hopefully, you have the full story already. for your families sake, follow through. don't back off and make a bunch of excuses to yourself. forward progress.

also - it's obvious her bf isn't a friend of you. that's ok. just remember, never trust her. she may not be a fom.

Glad to hear that the polygraph is being set up. Make sure she doesn't weasel herself out of it.

Keep strong!

Best wishes!

She tosses out crumbs..you call it progress.

This is the same woman who told you..a few days ago..that she was in IC to learn how to tolerate you.

She has had zero consequences for her behavior.

Your children, however, continue to pay the price.

"...I've bee good for awhile..."

Man that hurts.

FWS told me the same thing during Dday. He was talking about a three year period where he didn't have any affairs. Then he ratched up his actions and proceeded to have one every year.

It's a hollow statement. Don't put much meaning to it.

k9