SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@ sisson. the d/s sections are self selecting. but so is the r section.

otherwise i agree with you 100%. i dont know if i ever told you this ... but your posts are ALWAYS wise and i learn from them. ty!

This thread giving me many reason to go ahead with the payback. Basically some points are triggered me enormously..Time to give back the gift she gave me..

T/j

Just a note on HPV Confused ... men don't get off so easy ...

Oesophageal cancer - it's the 8th most common type of cancer, kills 3 times as many men as women and the fatal variant is linked strongly to oral exposure to a partner with ... HPV.

It kills men too - get your sons vaccinated too.

End t/j

(Also, I'm so sorry about your daughter ... that sounds terrible)

[This message edited by drownedman at 5:35 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

Both of my younger children...DD12 and DS14 have gotten the shots to protect them.

Thank you.

I made the gross comment. I considered the comment crass, uncouth and debased the actions of so many of our male membership. It insulted them - at their core-for making a private decision based on what they felt were valid reasons. I felt the poster's intent was to shame the OP into divorce.

I didn't argue it in more depth because I (erroneously) thought it was a "dingbat" post, a one off lurker from some Reddit subforum with their blue pill red pill obsession. I felt it would be better refuted by the men - and while there were some eloquent responses (I connected with 5454's and 1985's rebuttals), I was quite shocked and confused by the number of BH's who CHOSE to R agreeing with it. I still don't get it - are they standing up and saying "yeah RB - we're not real men - PREACH!"

So I simply stated how it made me feel - it was gross...like when you see someone picking their nose - you don't draw everybody's attention to it by calling it out but you can't help but cringe...

[This message edited by sassylee at 6:13 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

reconciliation is a gift. its voluntary from the bs and is given or not given as a choice by each bs. bh are sometimes pressured to r with a 'remorseful" ww. i cant remember ever seeing a bw getting this pressure.

TOC was repeating called out for being mean to her WH and not giving R a chance as he was clearly remorseful.

He said there were two types of men. Strong confident that would NEVER (and he emphasizes the finality) reconcile and then the other type that is (quote) “a pathetic display of manhood in reality“ (unquote).

He doesn’t state that this is how others would see you, but as fact: Divorce and you are strong, reconcile and you are weak.

End result? Original poster that was seeking help decided he wouldn’t find it here

And that is the sad part. Instead of starting a separate thread to discuss his ideas on R and D RB stated this in the post of a BH who was drowning in pain and confusion of a recent DDay. He thought he had found a lifeline in SI and instead of helping him he was told he wasn't "man" enough to get on the life boat.... and that is absolutely devastating to me.

I remember SI being my life line when I found it just after DDay and the fact that a person in desperate curcimstances was scared away is the real issue here.

And isn't it interesting to think had the OP been a woman not a man would the same kind of comment been made - that is a double standard in its self.

[This message edited by HardyRose at 6:50 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

stayedforthekids

Redbaron's post was poorly worded, but if it gave you and Mr. Spock the kick in the pants you need to file for D, then it did some good! It's interesting that you took a different message from it than most of us who are reconciling, but it's great that it helped you. R just isn't working for you and that's ok.

I saw the original post this thread is referencing the other day, and I saw this thread. My first reaction was "here we go again." I've been meaning to sit down and write something, but it's been a real bitch of a week and it's only Tuesday and I'm just coming off a full work day today after a 20-hour day Monday.

About two and a half years ago, three days after I found out what my wife had been doing the last almost 10 years, I stumbled across SI after googling "How do I get over my wife's affair". I signed up the same day, after reading a while, and posted my story, hoping for a little advice. I got it, and in spades. I don't think anyone in those first few months tried to tell me what to do. They were all concerned about helping me. No one pushed me towards one path or another and that resonated with me from day one. There was no hidden agenda, no "you must forgive your wife and move on," no "you must divorce your wife and kick her out." That wasn't their place or their goal. It was to give me the tools and knowledge to decide what I wanted. Of course, every poster's advice is based on their personal history -- How could it not be? -- but the advice I was given two and a half years ago was to get me out of infidelity.... to Survive Infidelity... whichever path I ended up choosing for myself.

I suspect that if I had been met instead with a constant barrage, a chorus of "Just imagine what your wife's been doing with those men. Here, let me describe it to you. How can you stand to touch the bitch?" Or "You must divorce your wife if you're a Real Man (tm) because, trust me, you're never going to get over this." Or "If you don't divorce your wife right this minute then you're nothing but a beta cuck... Unless you're into that, of course...." (and I have seen all those crop up in the last year or so, in various forms) then I too probably would have been one of those poor three-posts-and-gone guys that seem too common these days and Bigger was lamenting a few posts back.

But no, I was met with caring advice, with people who were willing to put up with my whining, my ranting and my indecisiveness until I was able to figure out how to get my head straight and do what I needed to. My path led to D, but I was more than willing to give R a shot. If my WW had done even one thing to make me think she might be serious. Instead she decided it was easier to leave than fix herself and left me no choice.

I guess since I ended up in D, I must be a Real Man (tm). If, on the other hand I had attempted R, would that make me one of those "beta cucks" I see referenced all over the internet these days? How could I be both? A man who was willing to try R, but ended up in D? I don't believe I'm either (nor do I want to be either). I am just an average person who found myself in the same shitty situation as the rest of you here. And I'm OK with myself.

SI not only allowed me to Survive Infidelity, it allowed me to cope with it in on a level I didn't even realize was possible. I'm not "healed" but I "Survive"d.

Oh, and SMS, can I please say "fuckity fucking fuck" in my every day life? I like it.

but your posts are ALWAYS wise and i learn from them. ty!

Hear, Hear!

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 7:35 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

It is good to know that some posters would be too offended to go on a girls weekend, have a girls night out, hang with girlfriend's, or watch a rerun of the Golden Girls.

I do not see a double standard, I see a difference in how men and women communicate and respond.

I appreciate that a good number of men come here because they cannot go to friends or family because they will get the same advise I am giving.

I do not push D, I push a call to action.

We do have to realize that each of us have different backgrounds thus different styles. All I ask is that no opinions even those who wrongly disagree with me are driven out.

It is good to know that some posters would be too offended to go on a girls weekend, have a girls night out, hang with girlfriend's, or watch a rerun of the Golden Girls.

Context determines a lot. I think this "girls" thing is something that women can use, but men can't. Kind of like the word that Black people can use but White people would be wise to not ever use that word.

I'll just say 'the g-word' from now on.

Don't tell me you are watching reruns of the Golden Girls. Seinfeld did an episode based on what you are saying. The guy who converted so he could tell Jewish jokes.

"TOC was repeating called out for being mean to her WH and not giving R a chance as he was clearly remorseful."

Maybe one person said that. The rest of them/us, went on for pages about how she was a rock star for knowing what she wanted and doing it.

I think this "girls" thing is something that women can use, but men can't.

That's funny shit to post in a double standards rant thread

You were just arguing to argue. You don't even understand what a double standard is.

stayedforthekids, you underestimate me. I knew exactly what I was posting and I see the irony and felt it was amusing. Relax, dude!

Some of the male posters are whining like girls and you girls are taking it all wrong!

^^^ ^^^

How dare you Bigger! I am certain your gender checks the not allowed to use box for the word "girls".

I say again, how dare you sir!

SMS, I really found that funny as fuckity fuck! It's even funnier that no one else caught it.

This thread is a fucking trainwreck. We've all lost sight about the original dude and his point. It's devolved into a men vs women thing. Wars, wage gaps, HPV, white knights, redpill, cuckholds, paternity issues, good grief. What the fuck we're we talking about again? Poor Spock will likely never return.

I'm pretty sure the men won and the girlz lost though. William's post tipped the scales in our favor (cheers William). Oh, and I just made an arbitrary rule that I can use "girlz" and SMS can't. Please respect these standards and don't use girlz because I'm sure my panties will get all bunched up or whatever else happens when someone doesn't adhere to a double standard.

There are 2 kinds of people: people who think there are only 2 kinds of people, and people who don't.

Thanks DeadMumWalking. Spot on. You are amazing.