SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

IIT, it is time for you to start focusing on YOU!

Your W may or may not be having an affair (all indications are that she is). However, she has not done a lot of things:

1. She has not acknowledged or showed concern for your feelings, quite the opposite.

2. She has not taken steps to establish trust, quite the opposite.

3. She has made any effort to improve your relationship.

Is this the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Whether or not she has or is going to have an affair, she is not a safe partner for you. What she's doing is intentionally belittling you. It is a form of abuse.

You can't force her to stay in or work on the relationship. It is time for you to take the steps you need to in order to repair yourself. It can be scary, but do you want to live in fear or start taking steps to make things better? It will get better. We have been where you are, so we know. It will be a struggle, but it is worth it. YOU are worth it.

I would go back and challenge the MC and have him explain why it is ok for a married woman to go on a trip to see and ex BF (at least that is what I get from this) and why it is okay for her to ignore your concerns. Maybe when he has to explain it he might see it for the absurd crap he is spewing!

Man her smugness is suggestive that she thinks she has something going on. I like m1965's advice. If she goes what have you really lost? Don't you deserve a wife that respects you and your concerns however unfounded she thinks they are?

Stay in your home.

Many lawyers offer a free consultation.

Retainers are expensive, but so is your current arrangement.

Lawyer up and go cold 180 on her.

She can leave if she wants but do not move out.

If you want to make it tough, quit doing 70% of the household work and quit paying for her shit!

She can get a job

I'm definitely staying in the home

However I don't quite know what to make of this I told her last night she should plan on paying the extra bills such as the cable bill and her own phone bill They all need to be paid basically today because today is my payday I expected her to be very upset especially about the phone bill She was not. As a matter of fact I called to try to remove my name off the cable account and found out that the bill has already been paid. She definitely does not have any money I handle all of the bills and we literally live paycheck to paycheck My biggest fear is that the OM it's just going to come in and start paying her bills and it seems this may be happening I am doing the 180 not speaking to her at all but I feel like my world is crashing down around me

So she is for sale and the other man bought your wife

My biggest fear is that the OM it's just going to come in and start paying her bills and it seems this may be happening

Then you can save a little money, I'd find out from the cable company how is was paid, by check, by phone, by EFT, and can the email you a receipt.

What else has been mysteriously paid. get receipts and save them, they may come in handy later.

...I am doing the 180 not speaking to her at all but I feel like my world is crashing down around me...

Sounds like she's doing that to you know as well.

But I suppose it's for the best. The relationship seems to have ended.

You might want to think about getting this new financial arrangement into a document right now while she is so sure of herself. Write up something that says what bills are hers to pay, change account ownerships, split of assets, child issues, etc. Get it all done now. If her A goes South she might stop all of this and put you back on the hook. This is all tough I know but right now is probably the best time for you to get the best deal you possibly can financially. I hate to be harsh but you should look out for yourself right now. If somehow this turns around and you reconcile this won't matter but later on if she isn't happy with the OM and he isn't taking care of things you'll get a worse deal than right now when she thinks everything is going to be taken care of by him.

Maybe someone knows the answers to this because this is one of my fears What are the repercussions if she up and takes my children out of state to live I don't know if this matters but three of the four are older. They are 17 15 13 and 7. I have been trying to read this online and it seems if she does leave and go out of state the burden is placed on me to bring them back which can be quite expensive

IIT, I doubt your wife can unilaterally move your children away from you. However, you need professional legal advice not pseudo legal advice on an Internet forum. She has been planning a break with you for awhile now it seems. You need to accept that and get quickly caught up to your new reality. Knowing your rights will help you do just that.

What are the repercussions if she up and takes my children out of state

This is just one of the many reasons you need to see an attorney.

However I don't quite know what to make of this I told her last night she should plan on paying the extra bills su

Are you kind of resolved to what would happen? If so Why are you focusing on small things like this. How about looking at the total picture. It seems you have still not mentioned to her the possibility of D if she go ahead. Bond more with kids in her absence if she eventually go on the trip. I think kids are old enough to choose whom they want to be with.

Find out how the cable bill was paid. It was probably paid by her banking account. It would be a pain for the OM to have to log on and start paying her bills online, he would need passwords ect. I suspect the OM, her friends, or her family are depositing money into her checking account. They may have given her money to hire an attorney as well.

It seems things have taken a big turn for the worst. Where there is smoke there is probably fire, and the daily communication with the OM while she is at the park with your youngest is a huge red flag. There is no reason a married woman should be texting and talking to her ex-lover on a daily basis, and pre-planned times. This is an affair, maybe not PA yet but absolutely EA. Your wife finding the VAR in the car was enough evidence of abuse by you to win over support from her friends and family to justify her betrayal and wanting out of the marriage. You have to be very very careful when you go down the road of secretly recording your spouse without their knowledge. Actually that is illegal in my state.

IMO you must not leave the house, my attorney told me that at the beginning as well. The only chance right now of saving the marriage is doing a hard 180 and filing for divorce.

From your posts she has checked out of the marriage. You should ask yourself why or how you could stay with her as she is now. If she became totally transparent and started working on rebuilding the marriage then you have something to work with, but that is the complete opposite of how she is.

Stay cool, I know it is hard, but be cool, do the 180, don't be mean, just do your thing, stay in the house, find a lawyer and file.

This is most definitely an exit affair. This is one of the cruelest forms of infidelity in my opinion: if you really don't want to be in the marriage, just leave! Why bring about torture along with it?

PLEASE GET TO A LAWYER, IMMEDIATELY!

I would definitely find out how the cable bill was paid. Maybe she has a secret account.......good news for you because if she doesn't list that in the D that is fraud......LAWYERUP man...sorry about shouting, but I needed to be heard above the many people saying the same thing. Good luck and please keep us posted. We are in your court. The marriage right now is over.

[This message edited by theaterguy at 9:11 PM, June 2nd (Friday)]

Is it true,

How are you doing? Be strong, I know it's really tough but you will get thru this. Better days are in your future. Hang in there.

I'm sorry that your W has responded so negatively, I think she is up to her eyeballs in a delusional FOG.

This will all end very badly for her because the chance of this guy being her soul mate and their stars being aligned are less than zero, but that's probably the way she's thinking right now.

There's nothing you can do to stop her going on this trip so now it's all about you: eat well, exercise, re-engage with friends, see an attorney, protect your money, look for further evidence, especially while she is away [WS are never as smart as they think], and spend time with your kids.

This is a horrible time but it will get better - right now you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there.

Isittrue......how are you doing??

Shock her into reality and out of the fantasy--tell her divorce papers will be ready to sign upon her return.