SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So there are some behaviors to which your moral code of "eye for an eye" does not apply?

Of course. If I'm at a zoo and a monkey throws his poop at me, Ill be very upset but I'm not going to throw my poop back at him. After all, I'd like to think I'm a gentleman. But there are certain things I don't have moral codes for, one of those treating someone that cheated on me with a modicum of respect. Frankly, I'll do what I want to do, nonviolently of course (no whore is worth going to jail for). I wouldn't do the whole RA thing again, only because I now know infidelity is a huge dealbreaker for me, so I'd just get rid of them first. With no plans on any more kids, it should be relatively easy.

Because an honorable man does not do this. Ever!

With the exception of a child, if you hit me with intent to harm me, you had better be prepared to get hit back.

The reality is that this topic is always divisive and we aren't going to agree. I do want to say that feelings do change. You may not feel bad or regret it now, but maybe you will.

I felt horrible massive self loathing, regret, and misery over what I'd done. My husband told me pretty much what you said, he didn't feel bad about it. In time, We've both moved to the middle. I don't hate myself anymore and he feels bad about what he did. We both regret it and wished it hadn't happened.

I know a couple who doesn't have a lot of money. When one would buy something for themself, a new ipod or new clothes, the other would run out and get something and justify it by saying well, he got something, so should I. They are now so far in debt that they will likely never get out. I see affairs the same way. The person buying something is getting a thing they want, but hurting not only their relationship by themselves as well. So you go out and have sex with someone and feel momentarily better. In the long run though, it just leaves you empty and worse off. Hate, regret, and bitterness aren't a good way to live. I am glad my husband and I have made it through but if I was looking at a marriage where we continuously cheated on each other with no guilt, I'd rather be alone.

I regret the $150 I spent for a crappy handjob...does that count? Even after my 'RA' I felt cheated...

I totally get the idea of why an RA is so attractive. I felt so violated from my wife affair and the loss of dignity and the unfairness of the whole thing. She gets after 25 years to have a sex vacation and my prize is getting to go to an MC who tells me this can make our marriage stronger. Not to mention having to get to replay what they did in my mind every single day. I came very close to doing something, but never did. The unfairness never left me though. I suffered with this for five years.

Finally I told her we were going to get divorced then got talked into a separation. She knew full well that I, and her were free to see other people in a sexual relationship. Did I feel better? You bet I did. But at least I was 1500 miles away and separated. I was also very upfront with the women I was with that I was out of a 30 year relationship, separated, and not looking for anything heavy. All of the women said they felt the same way too, although some kind of reniggged on the deal. She was not happy with this, but agreed anyway. Not that she had much choice.

The thing is if you do something like this, it shouldn't be while you are still in a relationship trying to heal. It does cause problems. I know my wife was hurt, but not worse than me. And at least I was honest in my actions. HP was none of those which makes what he did so bad.

BTW I would never hit a woman either.

I think I'm in the wrong business.

I am not condoning a revenge affair. It certainly would not be right to use an unknowing person in an affair for revenge. (yuck, that sounds disgusting)

And I do not especially like the term madhatter either. I suppose it has to be called something.

I feel that as a betrayed you honored your vows, you did not cross the lines, you stuck to your promises, you did your part, you did what your partner expected of you, and you should feel good for all of that. Your spouse however tossed you to the side. Your spouse took the most precious things in your life and gave them away. Your spouse changed your history. (anyone here besides me think a lot of their life was a lie?)

Has anyone here ever had anything meaner, more despicable, or more hurtfull done to them by anyone? For me, the worst, by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life was done to me by the person that I loved and trusted the most. I put all of my eggs in one basket, the wrong basket.

I feel that after your spouse has had an affair, if you want to work it out however you can, great.

If you want to have an affair, go for it! Do not have a revenge affair. Have a REAL affair. Find someone that you really like or even love, and go have a great time together. And do not worry about getting caught, you do not have to sneak around. If your wayward asks where you are going, tell them anything that you want to. You can tell them the truth, you can tell them a lie, or just tell them it is none of their fucking business. I personally feel that I would say "I am going to have a fuckfest but don't worry it will be meaningless and I barely know them, and it is about me not you, I won't use condoms but she is clean so you don't have to worry"

Jimmy, that post just made me incredibly sad. If you feel that way about your wife, It's probably time to end it. That's no way for two people to live. And I don't just mean the WS being cheated on. It's not good for the original bs either. You can't be in a healthy place if that's how you feel about your spouse and your motivation is basically screw you, I don't cafe how you feel, I'm going to do what I want to make myself happy. The issue is sex never fixes things. It doesn't in monogamous relationships, It's part of many aspects. And it certainly doesn't when your goal is just to have sex with whoever whenever until you feel better.

You just sound like you're in so much pain and I hope you find some peace.

I'm with Randy here. After d-day, the BS is the judge, jury and executioner. As Randy suggested, they can divorce, rug-sweep, choose to have an RA, etc. All bets are off. Cheating creates a fundamental paradigm shift. The WS has a lot of options his/herself. They can leave, divorce, go be with their AP, etc.

But what a BS does and what options the BS gives to the WS is entirely up to them. Everyone is different. Having an RA(s) is what allowed me to mentally be in a place to offer R to my W. Things are going fairly well. I would not have been able to attempt R but-for becoming a MH. My W, knowing this, is on balance happy that I did what I needed to do to be in a place where I'm willing to give R a try. At this point, my W and I expect each other to act under the same set of rules in terms of what is appropriate, but for a period of time, she unilaterally lifted all rules and boundaries, and those were only reinstated when I was ready and willing to try R.

The difference here is that I never lied to any OW. That is, as Randy himself points out, a very, very shitty thing to do.

Humans are consumed with justice, blood lust, etc.

That's just human nature.

You can choose to be a slave to that thinking or you can accept that getting your rotting pound of flesh does not in fact make you even. The two things there is no justice for are murder and infidelity. I have experienced both multiple times.

I choose to accept my grief and live well. Me getting a pound of flesh just prolongs the process and makes a mess of things.

my husband drives a brand new Lincoln. I drive a Buick. I should change that i guess because you know, if he gets it I get it. so very mature.