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I honestly don’t understand why it even matters if he cheated or not. The intent is there. The disrespect is there.

He’s turned your life upside down due to selfishness.

The things he said to you are awful.

He’s not a safe partner.

Your life can’t go back to how it was before all of this.

Please take steps to make sure that you’re safe and your interests are protected. He doesn’t sound stable right now.

I dont think I would even want to be married to a dumbass that would spout this stupid shit. Once they get this stupid, is it even worth the effort of trying to unstupid them? Serious, what are you getting from this relationship anymore? My X started spewing equally ridiculous tripe. It was so bad, that I was embarrassed to even repeat some of the dumb shit he said to people IRL. I realized after the divorce that he was probably always that dumb, but it didnt matter if he was or wasn't, I was too good to be dragged down with him.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts when they do this. Please know you deserve better, though. Detach and file. If he gets his head out of his ass sometime along the way, you can stop the divorce proceedings or get remarried. But you might find that you dont want him back. And please reenter your focus on you and try your best to stop trying to figure him out or to help him help himself. That's his job. If he doesnt make the effort, then any changes won't be genuine and won't stick.

Sami,

How are you doing?

Why is it that cheaters believe they can replace us as lovers, but that their own grand selves are completely indispensable?

Ha ha all of this ^^^ It's so true!

Thank you for asking, Odonna. I’m feeling numb and going through the motions of being normal. I saw a counselor but did not like her. I have several other appointments with other counselors. I have been watching the same videos online my husband has been watching (coach red pill), and the overall message is so delusional, so anti woman. It is quite grotesque.

My husband has been the sweetest, calmest, happiest, most helpful, most supportive man since this all broke. But he will not wear his ring and insists he WILL be with other women “if the chance ever arises” because, hey, Anthropology 101. He’s a man in his prime with needs. He actually said to me: “you are like a dog with a bone. You won’t eat it and yet you won’t let anyone else eat it.”

I can’t unhear this stuff. I cannot be the beloved mother of his children, while he has sex with other women. I told I’m just not happy with this. He got a look on his face like, “oh, you poor thing, you’re so cute” and hugged me tight and said,”ooohh, honey, you’re making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. It means nothing for a man to just have casual sex. I want to be with you. You are my life partner. But you just can’t be everything to me. Nobody can be everything. You are most, but not everything.”

My sadness is turning to anger more and more every day. I want to see his face when he gets served with divorce papers.

He actually said to me: “you are like a dog with a bone. You won’t eat it and yet you won’t let anyone else eat it.”

Ok, I don't condone violence, but if a meteor were to come out of the sky and land on him I would not be in the least bit sad. That is so fucking offensive. What the hell is it with WHs and their dog metaphors? My XH was upset about how focused I was on trying to get pregnant and told me "I get it, it's that time, you're in your early 30s, you're like a bitch in heat."

”ooohh, honey, you’re making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. It means nothing for a man to just have casual sex. I want to be with you. You are my life partner. But you just can’t be everything to me. Nobody can be everything. You are most, but not everything.”

This makes my blood boil on your behalf. Good for you for getting your ducks in a row. Shock the hell out of him with those divorce papers and don't look back!

Try out as many counselors as you need to in order to find the right fit. Good for you for setting up several appointments.

My suggestion, try not to watch any more of those red pill videos. I know you are desperate to try to put the puzzle pieces together right now, but that drivel is obviously nonsense, and it's just poisoning your brain. You have all of the time in the world to sort that out later, but right now while you're still having to live with it, try to minimize your pain as best you can. Try to watch something that doesn't require much thought, a comforting sitcom that you like, a comedy special, an animal documentary. I also highly recommend Sudoku puzzles when you can't seem to get your brain to stop focusing on all of the traumatic stuff.

Good luck!

I would try reverse psychology. Tell him that you are going to be with others, too. Act very confident and fine sbout it. And continue the 180. I am very worried about your mental health if you don't get away. Do you have family to support you? Can you stay with them? This situation is not good for you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:28 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

Well, tell him that he can do whatever he likes, just not as your husband. You will not accept other women in your marriage. He cannot pick a vow to break and expect you to stay. So while you love him very much, he has clearly articulated his willingness and resolve to cheat, and you must get yourself out of infidelity for yourself.

Right now he is betting that you will tolerate this. Show him that you won’t. You can always stop divorce proceedings, you know. But every day you let him think he has the power to make this decision and you will still stay is another day that he gets more entrenched.

Please stop engaging with him. Every time you try to get him to see sense you are actually reinforcing his belief that he is "the man" because you are fighting so hard for him. That's why he's so smug, in his mind you've proved he's right.

See your lawyer and serve him without telling him, you may be able to shock him back to reality but be warned he could already be too far gone. The people you have to concentrate on now are you and your children, you are the priority here so make sure you are protected first and foremost. If he does come to his senses then take it slowly but remember protect your future at all costs.

[This message edited by Carissima at 7:23 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

Agree with Carissma.

Stop engaging with him.

Get your ducks in a row.

He's delusional if he thinks you will tolerate his bullsh*t.

Sami,

You must make a decision about how you want to spend the rest of your life. Make that decision NOW. It hurts, it really does hurt but you will feel better in the long run. As others have said, stop engaging with him. Stop telling him how you can't deal with this or you don't like it. He doesn't care. Take the steps necessary to get out of this relationship.

I know my ex wanted to stay married & be with other women just like your WH; mine just wouldn't admit it. I had to decide what I wanted in my marriage and being with a man who won't be faithful to me is not a marriage that I want.

I will concur with the advice to stop watching those videos. You are trying to understand something that isn't understandable to a sane person.

Why are you both still in the same home? Can you kick him out? Can you leave?

At the very least, like others have said, stop engaging with him. Serve hom with D papers.

Good advice, everyone. In my heart I know what the next step HAS to be. It’s hard to get used to the idea that my life and everything will change but, as one of my friends pointed out, hasn’t everything already changed? I just know I can’t live like this regardless of how nice he is being right now.

You are my life partner. But you just can’t be everything to me. Nobody can be everything. You are most, but not everything.”

He's right, nobody can be everything. But a healthy, sane person realizes that someone who fills 80% of their needs in a relationship is amazing, and it's their job to fill up the 20% themselves. Not with casual sex with strangers.

Sami. Please. We know this is hard. But your current path of trying to reason with him is not going to work.

PLEASE trust us, as people who've been there (hindsight is 20/20), that the two best things you can do right now are exposing him and filing to either legally separate or divorce.

It will either snap him back to reality, or it won't and you'll already be in the process of detaching from this insanity.

PLEASE trust us, that regardless of the outcome (reconciliation or divorce), the posters that take a strong, definitive stand and say, "I will not tolerate this in my marriage. I am the prize in this relationship, not you. Catch up with me or GET OUT," fair much, much better than the ones that try to reason with their WS's, do the pick me dance, or wait for their hearts to catch up witb their heads.

We KNOW this isn't easy. We KNOW you still love him. We KNOW how hard it is to expose. We've met with lawyers and cried in their offices, not wanting to file, but feeling like we had no choice. We've made the tearful phone calls to in-laws and friends.

But we want you and your children to get through this, with as little damage as possible, and the way to do that is to expose and file. ASAP.

Also, do you have sons or daughters? Is your WS spouting this rhetoric in front of them?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:42 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

Sami I am sorry that he is putting you thru this. My father did that same thing to my mom. She hung in there but it really messed her up. She was bitter and angry till she died. My father chased young women for a year or two them came back, but the damage was done. My mother became a alcoholic and years later she screwed one of my fathers friends. My father went berserk and divorced my mom. (he could dish it out but he could not take it!) They divorced but never separated. My father cried for a year when she died of cancer. He used to tell her he hoped she would get cancer all the time after she screwed his friend. If you ask me, he had it coming to him.

I just know I can’t live like this regardless of how nice he is being right now.

Here ^^^ is where I really worry for you. If you do the 180 and he keeps being nice, you then stop discussing it and the days go by. But then one day he doesn't come home on time or answer his phone, and when he rolls in late with a wrinkled shirt and reeking of some chick's bad perfume, you lose your mind and break down. I am afraid what would go on between you two, what the kids would witness. It is only a matter of time before this happens. His "being nice" is manipulation to keep you there so that you will accept it when it does happen. You have to show him that the videos are wrong, not just try to tell him.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:53 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

Sami, I know that it isn't the same, but I do know what it's like to marry one person and wind up with a completely different one. I married a sweet gentle responsible man who had worked at the same job for years, had good credit, paid his bills on time or early, spent lots of time with his family, and several years later found myself married to a crackhead who slept with prostitutes. I know the confusion and the desperation to understand just WTF happened. You won't, though. Watching that stuff is like a black man attending KKK rallies to understand a racist. It isn't going to enlighten you or help you understand because it is not reality-based in the first place. It's hateful, stupid and cruel.

You're probably right, there's no coming back from this. You discovered that your husband thinks of you as a lesser being not worthy of respect. That is a dealbreaker for the sake of your sanity and soul. I am so sorry that you're going through this, that he's putting you through this. See a lawyer, file for divorce, and cut him loose to ruin his life the way he wants to. He won't wind up happy, but that's on him.

My husband has been the sweetest, calmest, happiest, most helpful, most supportive man since this all broke. But he will not wear his ring and insists he WILL be with other women “if the chance ever arises” because, hey, Anthropology 101. He’s a man in his prime with needs. He actually said to me: “you are like a dog with a bone. You won’t eat it and yet you won’t let anyone else eat it.”

Sami, honey, no. Just no.

His sweetness, calmness and niceness is all pure shit. He is feeling emboldened because he has incredibly told his wife it is his right because he is a man to go out and fuck someone else if he so chooses and if the opportunity presents itself.

The opportunity is more than readily available because the world is filled with dumb whores who simply do not care or actually get off on fucking a woman's husband. He will have no problem finding one of them.

So because he has a penis that entitles him to stick it wherever he wants? To top it off he expects you to accept that.

You have the power to stop this. Now. Cut this toxic asshole out of your life. What is there to hold on to? Are you waiting to see if he will follow through? We have a saying around here that if someone shows you who they are, believe them. He is not only showing you he is flat out telling you. There is zero respect towards you, your marriage or the vows he took. Think about the possible health risks to you that he could bring home after his self annointed open marriage rules.

Get away from him. Get him out. Tell him he can do whatever and whoever he wants but you are not going to remain being his wife and being in a marriage he is so blatantly disrespecting.

You are worth more than that. Much more. This little asshole needs a good hard dose of reality. You need a good attorney and a plan. Do not for one moment believe his niceness is genuine. It's not. It's him shutting you up and callously laughing inside that he, lord and master of his dick, has decreed he will do as he pleases and you are still there. Pop his bubble. Fast and hard.

You can do this. Your strength is there. Get angry. You should be furious at a husband who has said such things to you. You deserve better than this caveman you're married to.

My husband has been the sweetest, calmest, happiest, most helpful, most supportive man since this all broke. But he will not wear his ring and insists he WILL be with other women “if the chance ever arises” because, hey, Anthropology 101. He’s a man in his prime with needs. He actually said to me: “you are like a dog with a bone. You won’t eat it and yet you won’t let anyone else eat it.”

Of course he's happy. He's getting what he wants. He's so important, so primary to your existence... that he can announce his intentions to cheat, insult you, treat you like a possession, and he believes you will comply due to his extraordinary awesomeness.

I can’t unhear this stuff. I cannot be the beloved mother of his children, while he has sex with other women. I told I’m just not happy with this. He got a look on his face like, “oh, you poor thing, you’re so cute” and hugged me tight and said,”ooohh, honey, you’re making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. It means nothing for a man to just have casual sex. I want to be with you. You are my life partner. But you just can’t be everything to me. Nobody can be everything. You are most, but not everything.”

That's not love. That's nowhere even close to the neighborhood of love. It's not even a good offer. Basically, he's demoting you to housekeeper/nanny and saying he intends to treat you like a valued employee.

So yeah. You should be angry and you should be booking attorneys before therapists. The longer this goes on, the less likely you are to get this guy's respect. And frankly, I just don't see any other way. You are his WIFE, not his dog and not his employee. You've got to act like it; get his respect and keep it. Not next month, not next year, but NOW. Every day which goes by, he is emboldened to pile more pain and more damage on you. This builds up a MOUNTAIN of disrespect which eventually becomes insurmountable.

Most of us feel paralyzed in the beginning. It's normal. The thing to remember though is that inaction is also an action. Inaction has consequences just like action does. The immediate consequence of inaction just now is continued disrespect. The results of continued disrespect will be acrimonious divorce or a life spent living in servitude to an absurdly vain man.

You got this Sami. It may not feel that way, but you have all the tools you need. You're smart, way smarter than he is. Use it.

((huge hugs))

Sami

He has told you that he will be cheating on you, it is just a matter of time. So when he does he will expect you not to be surprised or hurt...cause he's already forearmed you.

Give up on him now. He is not in his right mind. Since you are still there he is ok, nothing in HIS life has changed. His wife is home and he's just waiting to f**k someone else.

What I do to get a out these guys is, eventually all the ladies who they will be with will want a relationship. My dad isn't a red pill guy but after his divorce from my mom he has said no woman will ever control him or move into his house. If they dont want to do what he wants..they get kicked to the curb. He is going to die alone.

Get out now!