SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a reminder.

Don't allow your wife to fill your kids' heads with misinformation.

Mat, how are you holding up? I wish you well, cheers.

Matt,

update ?

"I haven’t seen Dan or his wife. I’m not buying that he’s a predator, it takes two willing partners to cheat."

Precisely. A very clear-headed statement. I've noticed that many men have been programmed to be the white knight that always saves the damsel. That programming clouds their ability to see the woman as a willing participant or even the predator. The programming causes them to place most if not all of the blame on the OM. Logically and at a minimum, the woman is an equal participant in any affair. The only way the woman could be less than an equal participant is if she was forcibly taken. Then, of course, in that case, the OM would be on his way to jail.

In my case, my ex was the aggressor. She was hanging out with apparently several guys at her work and enjoying the attention. Then when things started getting questionable with one of the men she chose to continue. She could have, at any time, said NO, gathered her things, and left, never to see the OM again. She had the final decision at all times. So, why did she continue? Attention, flattering, excitement, thrills, infatuation, etc. It was solely her choice all the way. How would most men react if what they consider a pretty woman asked them to lunch and then let them know that she wanted to be more than just friends? Yes, the guy's a jackass for accepting a proposition from a married woman but he's no more responsible than she is. And in my case, if it hadn't been him, it would have eventually been one or more of the other guys.

You're doing good. Glad to hear that your in-laws are supporting you.

The only situations where the predator issue is an issue is if it’s rape.

If Dan forced himself on your wife then yes – him being a predator would count. But it sort of loses credibility as any excuse or mitigating factor when or if he has sex with her repeatedly over a longer period. How he got into her pants isn’t really a big issue. The fact he GOT into her pants is the issue.

MattinCT – Sometimes when a poster just drops away it can be because he has second thoughts…

This thread has been quite clear in that your best option is divorce. It’s easy for us to stand here looking in the window and making our calls, it’s harder to be inside the room dealing with the issues and the consequences. If you are having second thoughts or are wondering what your real options are then it might be hard to come back to where you are pointed firmly in one direction.

I want you to know that all the advice offered so far has been directed at getting you out of infidelity. As is – and based on your answers – that direction has been divorce.

This site is all about surviving infidelity. Do it alone, or do it with your wife. Your situation isn’t unique, it isn’t the worst, it’s definitely not the “best”. We can guide you along a realistic path no matter if that path is D or R.

Remember: The goal is that 6 – 12 – 18 months from now you always feel like there is progress in the correct direction.

Bigger,

I am not having second thoughts. The majority of the members posting on my thread have been supportive of my decisions and I truly appreciate that.

What I don’t respect is sisoon, a so called “guide”, sympathizing with wayward spouses and making insensitive comments and then ignoring my post when I call him out.

You make a lot of assumptions and you’re biased to reconciliation. I’m not sure why you keep posting on my thread...why not focus on the members who are desperate to win their wayward spouses back?

Wow Matt

I do agree that I am pro-there-being-two-ways-out-of-infidelity but I don’t think I have been aiming at R in your case. In fact, I think I this sentence sort of makes my opinion clear:

“I can fully understand your decision to divorce”

But anyways, have a great Christmas and I truly wish you the best.

Matt,

I think they try to give different voices. So people don’t just hear they cheated dump them.

I am sorry you feel disrespected. I personally can not image reconciliation if I walked in on it.

Keep posting it is a rough time. I would suggest you take what you need from here and leave the rest.

I've said all along to support Matt in his decision--from the get-go.

Some posters needlessly chew the fat, despite a clear decision. They go on and on. And on.

Sisoon, I have to respectfully disagree with you. You’re coming across as a total wayward sympathizer.

You said:

“It sounds like your W got a lot of good sex. I haven't been in that sitch, so I don't know what I would do if I were in it.”

Wow, I can’t believe you’re making excuses for my wife. It’s really insulting that you would even try to rationalize what she’s done.

I’m not a victim and I don’t see myself as one, please don’t project your insecurities onto me.

IIRC, you asked some questions. I answered, and I thought I made it plain that I was either sharing my experience or sharing my opinion.

How do you get 'wayward sympathizer' from “It sounds like your W got a lot of good sex. I haven't been in that sitch, so I don't know what I would do if I were in it”?

How did I make excuses for your W?

What I don’t respect is sisoon, a so called “guide”, sympathizing with wayward spouses and making insensitive comments and then ignoring my post when I call him out.

And how did you call me out? You disagreed with what I said. I didn't think that needed a response, since you're as entitled to your opinion as I am to mine.

You also missed my point, which was that you're letting your emotions take control, when a little critical thinking can really help.

I said and I mean: D is not your only option, and you'll do better, whatever you choose, if you realize you have several options right now.

I do my best to refrain from telling people what to do.

If believing WSes are human beings is 'sympathizing with wayward spouses', then I'm guilty. Hell, I believe WSes hurt themselves more than they hurt their BSes. That's JMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:52 PM, December 20th (Wednesday)]

It sounds like your W got a lot of good sex

How did this comment help Matt? Was it a 2x4 meant to motivate him to do something, more than he has already? You got off easy that Matt only called it insensitive.

Sisoon, your pathetic statements aren’t worth a response at this point.

Your wife is a lucky woman to have a doormat like you.

Decision to D would be quite understandable. I doubt anyone on the site would say you are doing the wrong thing. You will often hear that you shouldn't rush to a decision, especially if you are emotional.

Have you seen your attorney? Has your WW started working yet? Hope your kids are doing well. It is always difficult to go through this, I would imagine the holidays make it much harder.

Matt,

Take what you need and leave the rest of the shit alone. You already have enough to deal with.

How are the kids holding up?

MattinCT,

We do not seem to speak the same language.

I do apologize, though. If I had realized you wanted a response to your 'call out' from several days ago, I would have responded then.

TimelessLoss,

My paragraph was: “It sounds like your W got a lot of good sex. I haven't been in that sitch, so I don't know what I would do if I were in it.”

I'm unable to distill surviving infidelity down to one sentence.

Matt- I would be doing what you are if I was in that position. I was tempted to post about this the other day when this came up but didn't. I think you misinterpret what sisoon meant. What I got from what he said was- My wife's affair wasn't that enjoyable for her. From what you said your wife enjoyed hers. You will probably have a harder time with it than I did. Your situation might be worse & I'm not sure what I would do if it were me. When he said "it seems like she got a lot of good sex" I think he meant what you meant when you said she enjoyed sex with the OM.

I don’t understand why any of you are making excuses for sisoon’s bullsh*t.

He doesn’t get it. He’s making assinine comments in the JFO forum about how waywards hurt more than betrayed spouses...what a load of nonsense. He thinks I’m upset because he didn’t respond, when the fact is he made really ignorant comments about my wife enjoying another man’s dick.

He’s questioned my intelligence because he’s assuming I haven’t used “critical thinking”.

Plain and simple, I will never trust my wife again. The type of affair or how I found out doesn’t matter. I will not and cannot spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t trust.

This is my last post on this website. I wish you all the best.

Matt,

You may already be gone so I’ll keep this short. If you found the balance of feedback you received on this site to be helpful you might want to reconsider leaving. Sometimes to get the most out of his site you have to read around some posts, and that varies with the reader and their goals. I happen to agree that the sentence you found objectionable was insensitively worded, but ultimately it is a small offense in the overall scheme of what you are experiencing. The irony is that poster frequently chastises others for being insensitive...

I’d encourage you to continue reading other BH/WW stories; particularly, those that choose D to see if you can gain any insights into the path you’ve chosen. Good luck to you as you unwind this M.

I'm sorry to see you go.

One of the downsides of the site. Lots of posters offer great insight, but also plenty of doormats that suggest R and only R.

If anything, I admire your decisiveness in handling this ordeal. Reminds me of SpaceGhost007's thread. He decided immediately to divorce and yet there were still posters who kept trying to convince him to R for a good amount of time despite him already having made his decision.

People with your kind of decisiveness are rare in this site. Read a few threads around and you'll see what I mean. Plenty of people taking no action at all, just rug sweeping the affair. There are also others who accept a few crocodile tears from a WS as "remorse" and immediately choose to R.

There are also some posters who try to rationalize all sorts of immoral behavior to justify their decision to R. And these posters, convince others to R just like they did to validate their own decision to R.

Some people simply cannot forgive forgive betrayal, I understand you because I am one of those people. I wish you all the best in the future

The millions who are decisive rarely come to this site, which offers support to those left bewildered after discovering the betrayal.

I was decisive.