SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Frk,

I'm sorry you are here. It sounds like you are frustrated by the advice being given here, but these people have all been in the same boat as you although some of the circumstances are different.

I did not find this site until a year after my first DDay. I wish I had found it before because my thinking was similar to yours.

However, when I finally could not take any more of the cheating and lies, I left my WH after 5 months of pure hell.

It wasn't my intention to change his thinking, because everything else I did was fruitless, but it somehow did. I was GONE and didn't even tell him where I was. He finally broke off his involvement with the OW and we agreed to try to R afterwards.

Do what you feel you have to do, but I think (as others here do too) your best chance of getting this nonsense to stop is to tell the OBS and have your WW face consequences.

Something else to consider, this is a workplace affair and I'm willing to bet coworkers of your wife and OM are privy to this tawdry affair. They may think other people don't know but that is part of the delusion of being in fantasy affair mode.

All it would take is a coworker with an ax to grind and blowup the affair in public therefore ruining chances of your wife or OM career advancements. I watched this exact scenario play out in my own school district where the high school principal had eyes on the superintendent job, but once his affair with a teacher was exposed, it all blew up. Needless to say dreams of the superintendent job went up in smoke, as did his position as principal. Affairs have consequences that you, your WW, or OM cannot control.

So far, your WW and OM have not had their lives imploded like you have experienced. If you think she does not visit the principals office for a supposed meeting about a student, etc. I think you were being naïve. Of course they have legitimate contact in the workplace every single day. There is no way you can possibly monitor her every movement in the building during the day. She has a perfect excuse to continue contact with her OM.

And just as a personal experience, the other BS in my case also called my husband. Guess what happened, my husband showed remorse and sorrow and promised no contact, blah blah blah, just like you got from OM. Because I was left in the dark, of course the affair continued, it just went underground.

The only way to remove yourself from infidelity is to let the other BS know what is going on in her life as well. I am so angry at the other BH from never reaching out to me and letting me know what was going on in my life. Had he tried to contact me instead of my husband the affair would have been blown up that moment. As everyone has been telling you here once the BW becomes aware of the affair the OM will immediately toss your WW under the bus because now he has to focus on saving his own ass. Just as you do not want to split up your family, finances, assts, etc and everything that goes along with the divorce neither does he.

Please give it serious thought to inform the BW. It truly is a kindness.

Aside from telling the OMs wife, have you noticed anything odd with your wife recently?

Have you been snooping or tracking where she is at lunch and after work. DO you think believe the affair has not started up again?

FRK,

Again, I'm not going to add more to the disclosure advice. They are all correct.

but you still have not said what you are doing to monitor the conference and her whereabouts and transparency. You rejected the VAR ( I know its illegal and you are an attorney but I also know she ain't spending the money to sue you). So you are basically flying blind with her at work seconds from him all day.

And a few days ago this woman told you "She loves him" and not you."

if you are not telling his wife and not using all the tools available to verify anything, you are asking for trouble.

You are too smart not to know that.

I haven't posted yet on this thread. I think most of the advice here is correct but probably very hard for Frk to absorb. It sure was for me when I JFO.

I'll only say that the voices are loud because we know the pain that lies ahead from taking another road. Whether fear, compassion, confusion, whatever the reason, failure to confront and hit the issue square will lead to a world of pain, and none of us BS's needs any more of that.

The risks of making someone mad or a (usually wrong) sense that R is harder after confrontation just don't compare to the guaranteed hurts of limbo and inaction. We've had quite enough pain already. No more, please.

FRK, weeks past, we're still debating this. Why ?

Tell the OBS

Because he doesn't want to see what happens when she is forced to choose between him and her boyfriend. I know, I Was there.

FRK, many of us have been in your position. It's always best knowing.

FRK,

How you doing Buddy?

FRK ... you still with us ??

How are things, FRK?

he's left the field. I just hope he got up the courage to tell OBS or has a good plan to