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I agree with the others that say tell the OBS . I did and what it did was gave me a set of eyes on the other side. He was too busy trying to save his marriage to worry about my wife anymore. In addition it gave me a source of finding more of the truth out. It is harder to take the affair underground when you engage the OBS in sleuth mode.

What the heck does she mean by that, the fact she even said that is a red flag.

She trusts herself not to do anything...like what, have her define anything. Is she actually, in a round about way saying she trusts herself not to have sex with him?

She says she trusts herself that nothing would happen with him even if they were at a convention together, but she's still not going to go so that I don't need to have any doubt. I don't see that as a red flag.

I understand your skepticism - but you don't know what's in her head any more than anyone else. Is it possible? Sure.

That's my point. You don't know either. She just spent months falling in love with a man other than you. Just a few weeks ago she was sneaking away to make love to a boyfriend. Does this sound like someone you should blindly trust?

The suggestion simple is TRUST BUT VERIFY. That's all. You think it's bad now, having this happen to you again will absolutely obliterate both you and your children. There are just some common sense things that you HAVE to do to make sure that she is telling the truth. Telling the OBS is one. Getting a written timline with exact details, then verifying by poly is the second.

Does she have the attitude that she can remain friends with this guy, and trusts herself she wont do anything.

Does this sound like someone you should blindly trust?

I never said I blindly trust her. I only passed along what she said. This is going to take a lot of therapy/counseling and there are no guarantees. She'll need to find a way to get me to trust her again if this is going to work.

I know we have a long way to go, but maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.

It's possible. Almost a year out, I'd say there's a glimmer at the end of this "tunnel." And you're right about having "a long way to go." You have a very long way to go. You'll see it around here often enough: it takes 2-5 years to reconcile a marriage. It seems like a pretty good guesstimation, anyway.

However, before you say reconcile, recover.

The urge to go to marriage counseling is going to be strong, probably more so for your wife, but that's just a bit of projection on my part. The thing is, brother: marriages don't cheat; people do. Your marriage had nothing to do with "why" she came to believe that infidelity was a viable coping mechanism for whatever issues are troubling her. And they're her issues! Deep issues! Deep, as in, probably existed long before you ever met her. FOO (family of origin) stuff--childhood stuff. I know, it's sounds clichéd, but you'd be very surprised, I think, to learn how often FOO issues come up around here!

So, I wouldn't worry too much about MC for a while (a long while). Your WW needs to get into individual counseling (IC) and figure out just how and why she became so lost, so wayward.

As for you, focus on your recovery for a while. Focus on putting yourself back together, emotionally, mentally, spiritually (if your spiritual).

Step-back and detach from your wife. It seems like you're doing that already, and that's good. Watch and observe her actions. Words are easily said and often enough all too meaningless. Actions over words. See what she does. Is the affair over and No Contact established? She will most likely "pine" over the loss of this "relationship." If, and it's a big "if," she can see that "relationship" for what it truly was--a big, fat lie--then she might be a good candidate for R.

If she can take full responsibility for her affair and the issues that lead to it, she might be a good candidate for R.

If she can one day start to explain all of this to you, to truly bare her soul to you, become completely open and honest about herself, her "story," and live an authentic, vulnerable life with you, then....

You get the picture, right?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:50 AM, March 14th (Monday)]

Does she have the attitude that she can remain friends with this guy, and trusts herself she wont do anything.

What is in her head, I can't say for certain. She was not suggesting to me that she's going to be friends with him. She told me she thinks it is unhealthy to have any social contact with him and is ending any contact with him outside of school hours. I saw it as something of a positive that she raised this before I had to.

Since they are together 5 days a week at least, there is always a risk. It seems that for some reason, affairs start up again, if there is continued contact.

Your wife sounds like she is not overly interested in the OM, but they are still together. Feelings usually do not turn off like a light switch.

Has she at least read the book Not Just Friends.

I never said I blindly trust her. I only passed along what she said. This is going to take a lot of therapy/counseling and there are no guarantees. She'll need to find a way to get me to trust her again if this is going to work.

So has she informed the other betrayed spouse yet? What actual assurances do you have other than her word?

My point is that it's a pretty safe assumption that the affair has simply gone underground.

She has trust to rebuild but unfortunately the shit sandwich you were served is going to have to have you lead the way on some of this. And informing the other betrayed spouse, demanding a full-written timeline and scheduling a polygraph is unfortunately something that I've read most betrayeds having to take the lead on.

Ok, so here's how I envision the one-sided conversation going. Some of you seem to think I'm going to be nice to him:

I have no interest in anything you have to say.

I doubt any of this will impact you.

I'm more upset with my wife than with you (she took the vow)

But I'm not some random schmuck to you either

I considered you a friend

I had you in my home

Mother-in-law used to say you were "after" WW when you took such an interest in her career.

I always defended you.

Remember how you used to act like the district superintendent was "disgusting" b/c he cheated on his wife? You're no better than him.

I don't know if I will see you again

Maybe I'll have to fake being civil, esp. if my kids are around.

But don't ever forget what I really think of you.

Now get out.

Gently, NOTHING you can say to this POS is going to matter to him. If you need to get it off your chest, come here and vent. Write down everything you would love to say to him and then burn it. Like other's said, "Saying NOTHING is alot more effective!"

Do you really think your wife was his "first" rodeo? I seriously doubt it.

[This message edited by SpecialK at 10:49 AM, March 14th (Monday)]

OK it definitely sounds like she is in damage limitation mode right now. Whether she has consulted him or arrived at this by herself, it sounds like she knows she would be better off staying with you at this moment rather than blowing up the marriage via an affair with her boss!

As you know, your marital issues have not gone away. She has put these on hold, from the sounds of it.

Its very easy for her (and him) to pretend to be sorry, so you cannot really know if she is truly remorseful and empathetic to you. All you know is that (for the time being) she is doing the right thing(s).

Did she ever say what the connection between your marital problems and her fvcking a scumb@g was ? Therein might be a clue as to what you have to work at and pry out of her. Deep down she may feel that she was entitled to do this because you "treated her badly" not that she would admit that to you at this stage.

So what I am basically saying is there is still a lot of work to do before you know that this can be a real reconciliation. You need to get to the bottom of what she really thinks rather than what she thinks you want to hear.

But you can use this opportunity to put certain boundaries in place and also certain protection for yourself in place too (legally) - it would be very interesting to see how she reacts to that i.e. how sorry she really is.

I wouldn't start marraige counsling... she needs to do individual work to figure out her "why's"

. Talking about the issues in the marraige is just going to anger you (and not be productive).

She needs to leave that job... period.

Frk,

If you 2 are going to try R, telling OBS just became even more

Important for reasons already specified..

R is hard work. Buckle in. Good luck.

The last time you had a heart-to-heart back in November, she said she wanted to work on the marriage, then promptly began cheating.

You can figure out what people are thinking. How do you prove intent in court? That's the same way you can figure your intentions with your wife. Her actions. Just watch her closely. Based on past behavior, her "commitment" to the marriage probably will be short-lived. See how long she can acts she is sorry. The behavior can't be faked consistently over any length of time. You will see it one way or the other within a month.

Try not to take offense at those who are skeptical of these latest developments. You see, we've lived through this and read dozens and dozens of stories pretty much exactly like yours. For the most part, things never turn out to be what they appear and we are trying to warn you that what you are getting from her right now is bullshit. Yeah, we could be wrong but it would be maybe the first time ever.

As far as you defending your wife against the possibility that she's playing you - it is typical. Now you'll say that you aren't defending her and that you are just giving her the benefit of the doubt. Ok, but that is defending her. Why? Tell me, has she earned that benefit?

Go forward with limited/no contact with her and finish filing for divorce. Now keep going on this path. You've seen some immediate results so don't stop the 180.

listen to the Drifter man and stop playing games.

If you are going the R route then the ground rules are simple:

1. Complete transparency on all devices. You have the codes etc. plus, get an app like life360 that shows where she is at all times.

2. There should be no debate on telling the OM wife. Wouldn't you want to know? It took me all of 20 minutes, but the guy was supposedly a friend and so was she, but she's turned out to b just as sleazy. But she has to know.

3. Any douchebag willing to sleep with your wife while calling you a casual friend is not going to give you any kind of good explanation or closure. Some people simply suck as human beings, he's one of them.

4. No contact. Change jobs. If she wants R then it's remorse and sacrifice time.

I appreciate everyone's input. Thanks very much.

My wife was a teacher also. She did not quit her job. Guess what? The affair went under ground and never stopped despite the fact we were trying to reconcile. You can just well imagine how that worked out.

Although my ex and I are no contact and have been for years she did text me once that she was so sorry she did not quit her job.

If you are going to attempt reconciliation my advice would be either she quits or he quits but they cannot work together.

Watching how this is unfolding is like watching how my marriage unfolded.

Do you have a timeline? Do you have access to all electronic devices passwords and all?