SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, have all passwords.

3. Any douchebag willing to sleep with your wife while calling you a casual friend is not going to give you any kind of good explanation or closure. Some people simply suck as human beings, he's one of them.

I don't understand why people keep telling me this. No crap. I didn't ask him for an explanation and didn't expect one. He was unhappy in his marriage and saw my wife as an escape or distraction. I just told him he was a piece of shit and he cried. It felt good. End of story.

I don't understand why people keep telling me this. No crap. I didn't ask him for an explanation and didn't expect one. He was unhappy in his marriage and saw my wife as an escape or distraction. I just told him he was a piece of shit and he cried. It felt good. End of story.

I think the reason people keep writing this is because you seem very bent on protecting OM and your wife by not telling OBS. You haven't posted a reason so it's assumed that you don't want to "rock the boat" and upset them.

I think the reason people keep writing this is because you seem very bent on protecting OM and your wife by not telling OBS. You haven't posted a reason so it's assumed that you don't want to "rock the boat" and upset them.

One doesn't follow from the other. Plus, I told you I'm undecided about telling OBS. MY hesitance, as I've said repeatedly, is that I don't want my wife to lose her job. Even if I didn't care about her (which, God help me I do), I don't want to get stuck with extra child support/alimony. If you disagree, that's fine.

Plus, some of you were saying I shouldn't confront OM b/c he may beat me up, or he may try something else to make me look bad or ruin my life/career. If that's true, how do you think he'll react if I get him fired? Take it lying down? Or is he going to try to get revenge and ruin my life?

In all my time on SI I don't remember any BS that were not the main breadwinner going to HR knowing it would get both parties fired.

You have stated that the OBS depends on him financially, and that they have young kids. A mothers first instinct is to protect their kids and family. I'm most cases she is going to read him the riot act, she wants him to leave the job (or your WW) but with a new job in tow.

I guess it doesn't make sense to me that you think she would go straight to HR without considering her situation. It could happen but I've never seen it before. If they are out of control angry they destroy things, if infidelity is a dealbreaker they go for the pocketbook and seek legal revenge.

Plus, some of you were saying I shouldn't confront OM b/c he may beat me up, or he may try something else to make me look bad or ruin my life/career. If that's true, how do you think he'll react if I get him fired? Take it lying down? Or is he going to try to get revenge and ruin my life?

This one doesn't make sense to me because you already confronted him and he cried. Your saying that if you tell his wife the truth he might change and become a violent person? What normally happens is that the OM is so busy trying to save his own marriage that he throws WW under the bus and forgets about you altogether.

I'm sorry, I just see you being so careful about this that you are going to end up back here in two-three months saying ... I wish I had said something.

If you are not going to make her quit her job you need to at least let the OBS know that her WH is working with the OW. It's the right thing to do and will help you in the long run.

[This message edited by Freeme at 12:19 PM, March 15th (Tuesday)]

Sooner or later, his wife should know, maybe as soon as the school season is over.

At this time, you should be discretely watching your wife, her every move. When she is late from work, takes too long shopping, etc.

Since you have no option other than she keeps working until the end of the school year, you should be watching her every move, without letting her know.

Snooping is really the only way you can be sure she is being honest.

FRK

Ok. Let's leave aside the OBS for a minute . I agree that his wife is not going to run right to HR and lose her meal ticket for her kid but that is your call. You are bypassing the proven quickest way to stop an affair.

What I would next be concerned with is she has told you she loves him, that they planned to be together at this conference and she is still going . She has told you she will not stay overnight if he is there, so my questions for you would be

(1) why would you just believe her when she tells you he is not there ?

(2) what action are you taking to verify that he is not there ?

(3) if he is there what are you doing to have any idea when the conference ends and if she is coming right home or stopping off to see OM.

My point is I hope you are not going to just trust her word that she will be truthful . You can read my threads if you want to . A little different because of the distance . My wife will leave tomorrow morning for a business meeting a two hour plane ride away that he is at but there are a lot of eyes on them and she has passed a polygraph.

My only advice to you would be you better verify what you are told in some way .

The other stuff you seem determined to not tell his wife . If you can live with it that is fine . Hope it does not bite you in the ass

One doesn't follow from the other. Plus, I told you I'm undecided about telling OBS. MY hesitance, as I've said repeatedly, is that I don't want my wife to lose her job. Even if I didn't care about her (which, God help me I do), I don't want to get stuck with extra child support/alimony. If you disagree, that's fine.

Plus, some of you were saying I shouldn't confront OM b/c he may beat me up, or he may try something else to make me look bad or ruin my life/career. If that's true, how do you think he'll react if I get him fired? Take it lying down? Or is he going to try to get revenge and ruin my life?

Frk, keep making excuses for yourself and your wayward wife and you're going to end up regretting it for the rest of your life. These fears are not completely ungrounded, but it sounds a lot more like the plot of a bad LifeTime movie than reality. Stop rationalizing and obfuscating what's right there in front of you, plain as the light of day, that telling Mrs. Principal is THE RIGHT THING TO DO!

But what if this happens...

or what if that happens...

Stop whining about this horseshit and tell this poor woman the truth about her husband, her marriage and the truth ABOUT HER LIFE!

Good lord, man, how the hell can you in good conscience keep this a secret from her?

The truth will set your free, man. Let go of your fears and the illusion that you can control this situation, because shit like that will destroy your soul.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:37 AM, March 15th (Tuesday)]

This is not going to end well for you. There is a reason so many support exposing. It works. It effectively kills affairs. Yes people do loose there jobs. It hurts like hell but it does exactly what it is suppose to do.

You can try to work things out with her but keep in mind while you both are fighting in the night. The Principal will be there for her to lean on in the day. He will do what he has done all along.

Good luck with that.

C

We all bring our history with us to SI. Being a BS I believe every BS deserves to know and should be told. I guess there would be some rare instances where I would think the BS should not be told, at least not immediately.

But in this case there is no reason she should be kept in the dark. Not likely but her life may actually depend on it, STDs are alive and well and some are fatal.

Money isn't everything...esp in the context of a moral issue.

Yes, have all passwords.

"My husband has all of my passwords so don't email, call or text me."

--------------------

The reason everyone here is saying to expose is because the affair is still going on. Her boyfriend put on a show of remorse for you and now they think that they have you swindled. Their relationship may be set to simmer now, but rest assured they're still communicating.

You need to end the affair by exposing it. She will not lose her job unless you make her quit.

Her boyfriend wants to be a superintendent of schools, and she wants to become a principal. Neither will happen if news of their affair gets out, so it's imperative they stop that from happening. Since you are helping them hide their affair from his wife, you're the only person they have to worry about. If you were them, how would you go about appeasing you and keeping you quiet?

I'm not saying it's impossible she is sincere in her desire to reconcile. I'm just saying it's important that you look closely at her motivations. Good luck.

What AnimalDoc said.

One of the reasons you should tell obs, is because it may help your wife keep her job. If you call her and tell her, you can ask that she please not do anything to cause your ww to be fired, because you and your family depend on her income.

It shows her respect and consideration...something neither your ww, or her wh, are showing her.

She will most likely respect your request.

However, if she finds out on her own, she will also find out you knew, and you aided them in keeping this a secret from her. She will be even more humiliated. Here are all of these people making decisions for her, and she will feel as if everyone but her knew.

She will be livid.

She may confront your ww at work.

She may try to have her fired.

But, if you tell her, then she may feel obligated to help you,as you helped her.

Plus,you also are no longer waiting for her to find out. You can control that. Otherwise, it's a ticking timebomb. You won't know when it will hit,it could be years from now, but it's coming.

Yes, have all passwords.

"My husband has all of my passwords so don't email, call or text me."

Yep. The 2nd quote was word for word to OM in my WW's deleted mail folder 5 mins after she turned over all passwords. Add in they were in school together so underground was easy....much like it would be if they worked together...like the situation here.

I feel your pain here FRK...I know it's gotta burn a hole in ur chest every time she heads off to work...I know it sure did for me.

Good luck...stay sharp

She said she was in love with him a few days ago. What does she say now?

My assumption based on memory posted here is that your wife still has deep "feelings" if not in love with other man, but she believes cheating is wrong, she is ashamed she cheated, she thinks you are OK but just not in love, she thinks that given the situation there could never be a "happily ever after" situation with other man, destroying too many lives, and therefore she is willing to really this time, despite her past failures, really try to repair this marriage. She is not overly committed, but she really very sincerely means it that she wants to try. If it doesn't start getting better, she may decide to divorce, but she won't cheat again. That is what she believes.

You also are not overly committed, just saying you will see. You both want it, but will go your separate ways if it doesn't.

Given that situation, you are putting yourself in easily avoidable obstacles of other man wife not knowing and your wife still working with him.

More important is the working together. They have feelings. It is temptation. It is a secret place, who would know? It likely will continue at some point if they see each other at work. Temptation is right in their faces. Reconciliation is tough, she will come into work and want to talk with him even more so because of how tough it will be reconciling at home. I am not saying her to quit or change. I am just saying that is how these things play out. It is not that complicated.

Even if she doesn't cheat, she sees him. Even if she wants to stop thinking about him, she can't, he is there, he is mentioned by others.

Now add in that his wife doesn't know. She is not calling/texting him all day, checking up on him. You threatened, but how will you find out. At first he won't "cheat," he will "talk" because she can see how upset she is. Teary eyed.

Can you see the obstacles? Even if she quit and other man's wife knew, it is not a slam dunk that you would reconcile, it still is iffy.

Add in that you both will "wait and see." Not saying that we will fight tooth and nail and never give up, we will keep working until our marriage is good. Just that we will do our best, if it fails, at least we tried. That sounds good, but look at the temptation and the obstacles.

Moving gears for a minute. I've been close enough with people who are highly sought-after by the opposite sex. Model/athlete types, or ultra wealthy and attractive enough. Married people. They are in temptation every day. There are opposite sex showing availability every day, some more overt than others, but every day. It only takes one bad day. When temptation is there every day, it only takes one weak moment.

This is somewhat similar situation your wife is in with seeing other man every day. If she had good boundaries, then she would have no problem. But she seems weak with avoiding temptation.

I understand your reasons completely, and your reasons are not without merit. All I'm saying is you can't expect ti win if you haven't set up the situation realistically to win. People do win against great odds, we love an underdog, but it doesn't turn out that way often.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 11:39 AM, March 15th (Tuesday)]

FRK .....

MY hesitance, as I've said repeatedly, is that I don't want my wife to lose her job. Even if I didn't care about her (which, God help me I do), I don't want to get stuck with extra child support/alimony.

Ive been around here for several years ...seen several stories very similar to yours.....precisely, the BH reluctance to inform the other BS ....and in MOST of these instances ...as soon as the wife of the OM gets wind of an affair ....the "strange" will get tossed under the bus ...

Most men ...when faced with CS, alimony, division of assets, kids on weekends, etc......they will DUMP the GF...and quickly.....most men enter into affairs with one thing in mind .....having a side chick.....its about getting laid .....

Women on the other hand....usually do develop some level of emotional attachment with their affair partner....and the longer the affair ...the deeper this attachment becomes....

She said she was in love with him a few days ago.

If a divorce between you and your wife is in the future....I guess doing everything you can to end the affair is of no consequence .....and often a divorce is the end result of an affair....happens frequently....I understand....for some, its a deal breaker...

Most affairs will end with exposure.....and some will go underground.....a lot do .....(a second DDay was NOT something I would endure....this happens a lot ....). Several people on here have had numerous DDays...

You NOT telling his wife because you don't want to cause her marriage problems.....Bro....shes got problems within her marriage now ...and it has nothing to do with you.....her H is cheating ....keeping his secret isn't your job....nor is it your responsibility....

Some will tell you that telling her is the right thing to do, wouldn't you want to know ?....I get that. Hell Dude....revenge works for me ......I wouldn't help some POS date my wife ...under any circumstances....

You telling his wife will NOT "push them together" ......2x4, theyre together now!!!. Reconciliation is impossible with any contact .....any contact at all. It is NOT GONNA HAPPEN...

You know all passwords ....great ....burner phone and you don't know "jack" ....Bro ....cheaters will lie...at this point in my Wifes A...I didn't believe anything she said ....and only half of what I saw.....cheaters lie....count on it ...

Until you get a "snotting, crying, blubbering, I'm sorry I hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin apology" ......shes humping your leg..(pun intended)...yeah, shes sorry .....sorry she got caught ...do NOT stick your head in the sand.....

Bro ....you ainnt gonna fix this with a few talks and a weekend of make up sex......you are not gonna "nice guy her back" ......will not happen..

You get her back by doing everything you can to end the affair if R is an option for you, again, if you plan to divorce - ending the affair may not be on your list....keeping her secret for her is not a good way end the affair....JMO..i would do everything I could do to end the fantasy.....but that's just me ...

I suggest you reread all this advice ....we have seen this bullshit time and time again .....keeping her secret will not increase your odds of R.....the sooner the affair is known to both couples ...the sooner it will probably end. Once your wife gets dumped.....her affair fog will lift....she'll realize she was nothng more than a "notch on his belt" ....right now - shes thinking "soul mates" ....rainbows, fairy dust and unicorns....after her fog lifts she may want to come back - with true remorse (very different from regret) and maybe before your "give a shit quits working" ....

You do have the power to do something to end her contact with her BF .....

Dealing with human behavior is about "profiling" ....what works and what doesn't ....(like "criminal minds") ....statistically your odds of a successful R increase when the affair ends - but some shrinks advocate letting the affair die a "natural death" ......and I know of several marriages among teachers IRL that started out as affairs....what I am saying ....if you want to R - you should do everything you can to help the affair die.... and ASAP ...

Bufffalo

Frk, Buffalo has spelled it all out for you. He is correct in every topic he touched on. I suggest you read then reread everything he has said. As soon as you surrender to the fact that your situation is not unique, that proven techniques for breaking your WW emotional attachment to the OM work, the sooner your long term healing will begin. Sometimes the biggest obstacle to surviving infidelity is ourselves.

Buffalo speaks the truth. R requires a bit of an implosion of the affair and lifting that bs love fog she's in. That includes telling the OM wife because he will dump your wife like a bad habit. And he won't be going to conferences. I hate seeing you get lead down the wrong path.